Friday, January 30, 2009

Holy freakout batman

I am completely freaked out about the HCG injection now. I got my package from the pharmacy yesterday. At first I almost had a heart attack when I saw the needles - I wouldn't call them huge, but they were much bigger than I expected. Then I read the instructions and realized that the other needles were much smaller, and those were for the actual injection. The bigger needles are for getting the medicine into the syringe.

But reading the instructions scared me a bit because I discovered that it is an intramuscular injection, not subcutaneous. So I went to Stirrup Queens and read about intramuscular injections, and completely freaked out. I'm still freaked out. And I have at least 3-4 days until I even have to do the injection. Now I'm waiting for Monday with a mix of excitement and total dread.

L told me a story about how his grandmother had to give him a series of injections when he was a kid, and he hated it too. And how one time she was on vacation at the sea, so they went to spend the weekend there so she could give him his injection, and instead of enjoying the trip, he thought about the injection the whole time. I think he was trying to tell me not to spoil my whole weekend, but also that he understood. He's such a sweet boy.

But I'm still freaked out.

I cried last night, both at the unfairness of it all and because we might have to cancel our trip to Italy because of some of L's asshole employees (and probably because of the Clomid, too). And I thought about what a big baby I am, when other people (but eventually maybe me, oh God) have to give themselves these types of injections daily or even more than once a day, and I'm freaking out about a one-time deal. Except maybe it won't end up being a one-time deal. Now I'm freaking out that maybe this IUI won't work the first time (and the odds say "no"), and I'll have to go through all of this again, and then maybe again, and then maybe move onto something even worse. And I know, one step at a time and all that, but seriously. It feels much more real now.

So excuse me while I throw myself a serious pity party.

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