Our first treatment cycle starts - but first, I'm completely crazy

I’m really ashamed to admit how bad things got, and how crazy I’ve been.

I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.

Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.

OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.

Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.

Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.

5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!

So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.

I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.

I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).

L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.

Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.

Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.

I’m infertile.