Life Goes On

I'm not sure what to write about these days.

I feel a bit like a kid in a candy store, not really believing that my parents let me go in. I've googled a few things about pregnancy, like what kinds of medications I can take and how much do maternity clothes cost anyway? I feel clueless, timid, anxious.

I also feel crampy. Which I've been told is normal. It was really alarming for a few days, but now that it's been going on for over a week, I'm ok with it (not that I LIKE it). So far it is my only symptom, though. Who knew that being pregnant would feel exactly like having my period? The only difference is that the cramps are much more sporadic and feel a bit like indigetstion, too. I think I'd rather have some mild nausea.

So the big question - the ultrasound! The clinic originally told me that they'd schedule an ultrasound for 7 weeks, and when I called to schedule it, my coordinator suggested a date that was 7 weeks 6 days - which is 8 weeks as far as I was concerned, and there was NO WAY I was going to wait that long. I actually had to argue with her about getting it earlier, and she gradually moved up the date until it was 7 weeks 1 day, complaining that that was too early.

Whatever. I am not putting up with this clinic anymore, I am telling them what I want and they are going to do it. I paid a LOT of money for that privilege.

The ultrasound is December 3. Two weeks and three days from now.

Another freaking two week wait, but so worth it this time. Of course I'm terrified of something being wrong, or of having crazy multiples (which seems unlikely since my betas were not crazy high), but I'm so hopeful to see one or two little beans.

And in the meantime, I have to try to get used to saying the "p" word.

Beta #2

Beta #2 = 321!

Almost double in about 22 hours, so perfect! I'm so relieved and thrilled and still in shock. Here is the chart I've seen some people use - based on this, there's a chance of twins, but I kind of doubt it.



Unfortunately my lunch did not agree with me today and I've spent the last few hours in bed while everyone at work is worried I've given them the flu. It could be a pregnancy symptom, but most likely it's the greasy quesadilla I had for lunch - well, I'll try to use it as a learning experience.

RE

I'm going to take a moment, in the midst of my amazement and disbelief and happiness, to complain about my infertility clinic. Don't get me wrong - it is now a minor part of what I'm hoping continues to be a big change of luck for me - but it is really annoying nonetheless.

Here was my day yesterday:

8 am-8:40 am - call clinic repeatedly but no one ever answers (to be fair, they have no posted hours, so I don't know what time anyone arrives anyway)

8:42 am - someone answers (not the usual receptionist) and tells me my coordinator is in a meeting, which will be over around 9, but she wouldn't necessarily be able to call back right then. I told her that I was calling because I had a positive hpt, and needed a blood test, which I thought would indicate it was important that I get a return call.

8:43 am - 10:43 am - I wait and no one calls me back.

10:44 am - I call and wait on hold for my coordinator, who never comes to the phone; someone else comes and says she'll check with the doctor about doing a beta and call me back right away

11:14 - the first (and only!) call I actually receive from the clinic all day; my coordinator asking me if I can come in RIGHT AWAY for a beta

11:15 - I race around getting my purse and shoes and things together

11:30 - I arrive at the clinic and get my blood drawn. My coordinator tells me that it should take a couple of hours for the result and promises to call me immediately as soon as she has it

11:45-1 pm - lunch with my sweetie

1-4:30 pm - waiting, waiting, waiting - it's been FIVE HOURS since I was told it would only take two hours and someone would call me right away - now I'm starting to worry that they will close or that my coordinator has gone home for the day

4:35 pm - I finally call the clinic to ask WTF; my coordinator has been waiting to ask the doctor if he wants me to even have a second beta, and so has not yelled called with the result. Yeah, like I would have minded if she had to call me twice, instead of sitting around half the day wondering what the result was. Finally get result!

Today as of noon - This morning at 6:30am I sent an email with a few basic questions, and asking if I can schedule my second beta - I've had good luck with email in the past, and not so great luck with calling them; but no response so far. Frustrating!

I'm obviously thrilled that I'm pregnant, but the cherry on top is that in a few more weeks, if all goes well, I no longer have to work with these people!

Beta #1

Did NOT think I'd be writing this post anytime soon, but here it is:

14dpiui
Beta #1 = 164

At least for today, I'm pregnant!

Um ... not what I was expecting

I must confess that I broke down and tested yesterday after work. And then again yesterday night. And again this morning.

I was in total shock. I still am in total shock. I know it could still be bad - there are numerous things that can go wrong, from chemical pg, ectopic, miscarriage, and so on.

Still, for now, for once, I FINALLY get to be cautiously optimistic.

Still waiting on the clinic to let me know if I can go for my beta today - please let them call me back soon!

One more day

I had a good weekend, and I've kept myself really busy. Cleaning and organizing the house is going well, and I'm really happy with how things look. If only I could get rid of our filthy carpet, I would be so much happier, but unfortunately that isn't something a renter can do. If there was one thing I should do more often around the house, it's probably vacuuming.

But anyway, talking about cleaning houses is boring. I spent the weekend up in the foothills of the Sierra, hanging out with old friends, spending some quality time with my husband and family, and going for a pretty tough bike ride.

Work is getting worse and worse. Management here consists of a lot of fairly stupid people, which in itself might not be so bad, except they are also vindictive, finger-pointing, ass-kissing, insincere idiots. I am tired of working for people who blame me when they are wrong and take the credit when I am right. I am reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know if I can work here much longer. I have five and a half weeks until I leave for Italy, and I wonder if I can find something else by then.

And of course only one more day until I POAS. And even though I know there is not a good chance it will be positive, I will still be very sad if it's negative. I hope my husband understands that I can't help it, that this isn't easy for me, that I've been through a lot, that the last two months have been especially emotionally difficult, and being sad and crying can be cathartic and healing for me. Thank goodness that tomorrow's a holiday - I need a day off.

Ebb and Flow

I saw this on a blog or website somewhere recently, I don't even remember the context, but I thought - that's it! That is something I need to hang on to, this idea that things ebb and flow.

First, it is good to remember that sometimes things will be good and sometimes things will be bad, and they will never stay that way forever. That life is always full of ups and downs, and I need to remember to treasure the ups while they last and bear with the downs because I know that things will be looking up again soon.

But also I like the idea of remembering that time passes, sometimes it passes more quickly than other times, but nonetheless I will get through whatever it is that is bringing me down or making me irritable. Time will ebb and flow and so will my life, right along with it.

I am feeling more at peace. Thanks to all who sent me good wishes. Today is 9dpiui, but it doesn't really matter. Today is Friday, which is what matters. A day to see my friends at work and forget about the crappy stuff that is going on here. A day to think about my future - my evening with my husband, my weekend with friends and family, going to a new crochet/knit group in my town on Monday, a dinner with Italian friends on Tuesday. I'm thankful to be busy and have so many people in my life, family and friends, old and new.

I think it helps that I am working hard on organizing my house - I feel in some ways that it is a metaphor for me. It has been cluttered and disorganized, with half-done forgotten projects, papers that have needed to be filed for a year, things always being put aside because I would get to them later. Just like me and my life - a half-finished project at which I am faltering because I've lost sight of my goals, even my short-term ones.

And maybe I still don't know what the goals are, but at least I'm working on figuring them out, which is a huge step in the right direction. And along with determining my goals, I'm examining my soul, and my prejudices and my preconceived notions. I know it's a work in progress and always will be, but as the days ebb and flow, I hope that I gradually become the person that I want someday to be.

Maybe it's the season, it's paradoxically a time of being social and going to parties, but also of introspection and thinking and stirring up thoughts and feelings as the weather turns cold and we spend more time indoors, curled up in our houses like they are coccoons. Enjoying the beauty of autumn and the quiet of winter while dreaming of new life in spring. We're all really butterflies, getting ready to stretch our wings.