My monitoring ultrasound this morning didn't go as expected. I expected to have one crappy follicle on the left. Instead, on the right, I had one large follice (24x22), one good borderline follicle (around 16), and two slightly smaller ones. The doctor said if it wasn't for the large one, we'd put off triggering another day. She also said that at the size of the three "maybes" there could be mature eggs in all or none of them. So I have 1-4 chances this month.
I honestly was expecting bad news, was braced for it. I am so not in the mood to be hopeful. I've been doing somewhat better with the hopeless attitude of the last few weeks, despite my nearly constant urges to cry. At least I wasn't building up my hopes for a big fall. Which is what I KNOW is going to happen.
I want to continue on my merry way, planning my summer vacation (more on that in a moment), my knee surgery, and my fall/winter IVF. I do NOT (and I WILL NOT) look up a possible due date. NO WAY! This is going to fail, I'm sure of it!
Except, sigh. I'm NOT sure of it any more, and I don't want to feel this way. I want hope to go away and, if not die, at least be comatose for a while. Let me enjoy the beautiful weather and the hopefully relaxing weekends.
As a plus, we're going on vacation! To Alaska! I'm so excited! We were considering yet another trip to Italy to go to a cousin's wedding, and maybe a few days of "real" vacation (i.e. just the two of us, without all the relatives and friends), but it was too last-minute and too expensive and too much time off of work. And we have a friend working up at Denali National Park, and we thought ... let's go! A couple days of hiking, maybe a helicopter trip, a day of fishing, maybe an overnight backpacking/camping trip, who knows? The possibilities are endless.
So ... that's what I'll be focusing on. Planning my vacation. And trying to forget about this stupid IUI.
Just for posterity, and anyone who's curious, today is CD 13, the last day of estrogen, and the day of my HCG trigger shot (tonight at 10:30). IUI on CD 15 (Saturday) at 10:30 am. HCG supplements on CD 16 and CD 19, and progesterone starts CD 19 and goes until the end (CD 29ish).
And to satisfy my curiosity, here's a couple questions for y'all. Do you know (from experience or from reading/learning/research/hearing about it) if those follicle sizes sound good? Is there a chance of more than one egg, and if so, how great of a chance? Is it unrealistic to hope that one big, one medium, and two smaller follicles might mean a higher chance of actually conceiving?
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Um ...?
UPDATED: Test was negative. Of course. I feel suddenly very sad.
Original post:
AF arrived at 4am on Saturday morning, at least 2 days early. I was not expecting it and totally unprepared. I also had a lot of cramping.
This morning (Monday), I got up, prepared for a new week and to call the clinic for my baseline, and voila. No more period. Um ... a 25-day cycle with tons of mid-cycle spotting, followed by a 2-day period? And actually, my last period was only 3 days, too. WTF?
The clinic scheduled me for a baseline tomorrow, but asked me to take a HPT today. Of course, I had just peed, so now I have to wait until I need to pee again to take the test.
I hate this. I had no expectations, this month just flew by, I had a great time. I also spent the last few days eating sushi, oysters, and cheese, and drinking tons of wine. I was ready to look to another treatment cycle with a peaceful heart. I don't want to take a HPT. I especially don't want to wait a few hours to be able to take it. I don't want to have that little bit of hope show up that will make my disappointment so much greater.
OK, I'm being a little melodramatic. I'm still excited about starting a new cycle. I hope I've learned a lot about hope, expectations, disappointment, obsession, and patience from this break cycle.
And btw, I'll post a pic or two of my garden when I get home this evening =)
Original post:
AF arrived at 4am on Saturday morning, at least 2 days early. I was not expecting it and totally unprepared. I also had a lot of cramping.
This morning (Monday), I got up, prepared for a new week and to call the clinic for my baseline, and voila. No more period. Um ... a 25-day cycle with tons of mid-cycle spotting, followed by a 2-day period? And actually, my last period was only 3 days, too. WTF?
The clinic scheduled me for a baseline tomorrow, but asked me to take a HPT today. Of course, I had just peed, so now I have to wait until I need to pee again to take the test.
I hate this. I had no expectations, this month just flew by, I had a great time. I also spent the last few days eating sushi, oysters, and cheese, and drinking tons of wine. I was ready to look to another treatment cycle with a peaceful heart. I don't want to take a HPT. I especially don't want to wait a few hours to be able to take it. I don't want to have that little bit of hope show up that will make my disappointment so much greater.
OK, I'm being a little melodramatic. I'm still excited about starting a new cycle. I hope I've learned a lot about hope, expectations, disappointment, obsession, and patience from this break cycle.
And btw, I'll post a pic or two of my garden when I get home this evening =)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Fathers (11 dpo, 2-3 days to go)
I have a little secret, in a way, that I've been keeping from my husband. Have I mentioned it before? I don't think so.
After my dad died, I was the only one willing to go through his things. I was actually very close to my dad, or at least as close as a person could get to my dad. He was a very introspective, reserved, intelligent guy, and I wish I had taken the time to really speak with him during the last few lucid years of his life. I always thought I'd have more time, you know?
He was an older father, he divorced his first wife and then remarried my mother and had children unexpectedly. (Ironically, my mother had been told she couldn't get pregnant, and then had identical twins - my sister and me - followed soon thereafter by my brother.) It was a time in his life when he should have been expecting only grandchildren (and in fact he was already a grandfather to my older half-sisters' kids). When he was young, he fought in World War II. He went to both Berkeley and Stanford, and worked for some of the major tech companies in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley. I'm sure he had a lot of interesting stories to tell that I never got to hear.
When I was in college, a couple hours away from my parents' house, my dad elected to have surgery to insert a stent into an artery near his heart. I don't know a lot of the details of the procedure or what happened next, but I do know that hours after it was supposedly successfully complete, he went into cardiac arrest and suffered brain damage. After that incident, he began suffering from vascular dementia, which is similar to Alzheimer's disease . He lived for 6 more years, gradually getting more and more difficult to take care of, more forgetful, and eventually he needed constant care so he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone around him. It was really sad to watch, although it made his death less painful because he had been sick and not really himself for so long.
I am grateful that I spent a lot of time with him in his last few years, even if he didn't always seem to know who I was. I visited him at his nursing home and frequently took him out to lunch. I helped arrange for him to come home for visits, especially for holidays. Even though my husband never met him when he was still lucid, I am so happy that my husband regularly came with me to visit my dad and spend time with him.
My sister spent quite a bit of time with my father as well, although she seemed to be too uncomfortable to really do things with him like I did. My brother NEVER visited him in the nursing home except for very rare occasions such as holidays. He's also never been to the cemetery since the burial four years ago.
When I was going through my dad's things with my mother a while after his death, I found a t-shirt we bought him when we were little kids. It's black and it says "Best Dad in the World" in kid-style writing. It was like a connection to my childhood and the feelings I had for my father. I took it home with me and hid it, hoping to give it to my husband at some point during my surely upcoming pregnancy (when I tell him I'm pregnant? First ultra-sound? On Father's Day? So many possibilities! or so I thought). I thought it was such a great way to share a part of my life that my husband was never able to experience, because my dad died when I was so young.
I still have that shirt, hidden in my closet. I hope the moths haven't gotten to it by now. I really, really wish that I can give it to my husband some day soon.
After my dad died, I was the only one willing to go through his things. I was actually very close to my dad, or at least as close as a person could get to my dad. He was a very introspective, reserved, intelligent guy, and I wish I had taken the time to really speak with him during the last few lucid years of his life. I always thought I'd have more time, you know?
He was an older father, he divorced his first wife and then remarried my mother and had children unexpectedly. (Ironically, my mother had been told she couldn't get pregnant, and then had identical twins - my sister and me - followed soon thereafter by my brother.) It was a time in his life when he should have been expecting only grandchildren (and in fact he was already a grandfather to my older half-sisters' kids). When he was young, he fought in World War II. He went to both Berkeley and Stanford, and worked for some of the major tech companies in the Bay Area/Silicon Valley. I'm sure he had a lot of interesting stories to tell that I never got to hear.
When I was in college, a couple hours away from my parents' house, my dad elected to have surgery to insert a stent into an artery near his heart. I don't know a lot of the details of the procedure or what happened next, but I do know that hours after it was supposedly successfully complete, he went into cardiac arrest and suffered brain damage. After that incident, he began suffering from vascular dementia, which is similar to Alzheimer's disease . He lived for 6 more years, gradually getting more and more difficult to take care of, more forgetful, and eventually he needed constant care so he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone around him. It was really sad to watch, although it made his death less painful because he had been sick and not really himself for so long.
I am grateful that I spent a lot of time with him in his last few years, even if he didn't always seem to know who I was. I visited him at his nursing home and frequently took him out to lunch. I helped arrange for him to come home for visits, especially for holidays. Even though my husband never met him when he was still lucid, I am so happy that my husband regularly came with me to visit my dad and spend time with him.
My sister spent quite a bit of time with my father as well, although she seemed to be too uncomfortable to really do things with him like I did. My brother NEVER visited him in the nursing home except for very rare occasions such as holidays. He's also never been to the cemetery since the burial four years ago.
When I was going through my dad's things with my mother a while after his death, I found a t-shirt we bought him when we were little kids. It's black and it says "Best Dad in the World" in kid-style writing. It was like a connection to my childhood and the feelings I had for my father. I took it home with me and hid it, hoping to give it to my husband at some point during my surely upcoming pregnancy (when I tell him I'm pregnant? First ultra-sound? On Father's Day? So many possibilities! or so I thought). I thought it was such a great way to share a part of my life that my husband was never able to experience, because my dad died when I was so young.
I still have that shirt, hidden in my closet. I hope the moths haven't gotten to it by now. I really, really wish that I can give it to my husband some day soon.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
4 dpo, 10 days to go (and a frank discussion of adoption)
I HATE the 2ww.
The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.
Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.
I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.
In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.
There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.
Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!
Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.
I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.
My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.
So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.
The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.
Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.
I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.
In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.
There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.
Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!
Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.
I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.
My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.
So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Strange calm hopefulness
I am determined not to be too hopeful about this cycle, as I keep saying, but for some reason I have a feeling. I'm scared to mention it for fear of jinxing anything, but I want to remember it if it turns out to be important.
This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.
The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.
The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.
This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.
But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.
So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.
And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.
This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.
The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.
The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.
This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.
But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.
So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.
And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Weekend!
I had a weekend full of ups and downs, but right now I'm feeling pretty even-keeled right in the middle. I think it's because I'm right at the beginning of the 2ww.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Friday, April 17, 2009
TGIF!!!!
OMG, I have a half hour left of work and then I get to leave.
I have a busy weekend IRL, and pretty much nothing going on in my "infertile life" besides Clomid again. Clomid starts tonight, CD 3. Unless I suddenly start developing side-effects that I haven't experienced before, I won't really have much to say.
The only thing I can think of is that I was such an airhead. The pharmacy called me to verify my order, and said "Just HCG, right?" And all of a sudden I was like, wait a sec! I never even brought up the progesterone to my doctor - like, if she thought it helped, if it was pointless, should I be taking it this cycle, etc. I had to call the clinic and verify that yes, I should take progesterone, ask them to call the pharmacy, and then the clinic called me right back to point out that I had refills on the progesterone so I could just order it myself. Oh. Right. Whoops.
Meds to arrive on Monday. Second ultra-sound next Friday. Next Saturday I'm supposed to go up to the foothills/mountains for a girls weekend with friends. Now I'll either have to come back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning for a Sunday IUI, or I'll have to give myself my injection in my friend's bathroom Saturday night for a Monday IUI, and then ask to store my meds in her fridge. Either way, it's going to be a little awkward. And I really don't want to miss the wildflower hike she's planning, so I hope the timing works out for me one way or another.
But it will be well worth it, no matter what. I'm determined to be optimistic about this cycle.
I have a busy weekend IRL, and pretty much nothing going on in my "infertile life" besides Clomid again. Clomid starts tonight, CD 3. Unless I suddenly start developing side-effects that I haven't experienced before, I won't really have much to say.
The only thing I can think of is that I was such an airhead. The pharmacy called me to verify my order, and said "Just HCG, right?" And all of a sudden I was like, wait a sec! I never even brought up the progesterone to my doctor - like, if she thought it helped, if it was pointless, should I be taking it this cycle, etc. I had to call the clinic and verify that yes, I should take progesterone, ask them to call the pharmacy, and then the clinic called me right back to point out that I had refills on the progesterone so I could just order it myself. Oh. Right. Whoops.
Meds to arrive on Monday. Second ultra-sound next Friday. Next Saturday I'm supposed to go up to the foothills/mountains for a girls weekend with friends. Now I'll either have to come back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning for a Sunday IUI, or I'll have to give myself my injection in my friend's bathroom Saturday night for a Monday IUI, and then ask to store my meds in her fridge. Either way, it's going to be a little awkward. And I really don't want to miss the wildflower hike she's planning, so I hope the timing works out for me one way or another.
But it will be well worth it, no matter what. I'm determined to be optimistic about this cycle.
Friday, April 10, 2009
2 days to go
12 dpo, 2 days to go.
I'm so tempted to test tomorrow, but I swear I won't. One of the reasons I want to is that tomorrow we're going biking in wine country, and then to a friend's house for dinner, and I want to know if I can drink more than half a glass of wine for the day. Problem is, if it's negative, I know there's a chance it won't be accurate yet because it's early, so I don't think testing tomorrow will help.
(Even though I bought the super-fancy early-testing HPTs, right? I should still not test a day early, right?)
I have been feeling sick and tired from the prometrium, so I left work early yesterday, went home, and took a nap. I feel much better today, much less crampy. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
This wait is so frustrating. I am trying very hard to not get my hopes up, because I have serious doubts that even with the medications we could get pregnant on our own. I'm trying to remember that a BFN on Sunday means a call to the RE on Monday to set up my baseline ultrasound, and that a new IUI cycle has begun. I know that my rational brain will see it this way, but my heart will still feel broken.
Trying to stay upbeat but not TOO upbeat. It's a gray morning, but the sun is supposed to make an appearance later today. I'm looking forward to an evening out with my husband, a day of biking and a dinner with friends tomorrow, and then an early Sunday morning POAS session. I'm just hoping the time passes quickly (like these next 8 hours at work - they are going to be TOUGH!).
I'm so tempted to test tomorrow, but I swear I won't. One of the reasons I want to is that tomorrow we're going biking in wine country, and then to a friend's house for dinner, and I want to know if I can drink more than half a glass of wine for the day. Problem is, if it's negative, I know there's a chance it won't be accurate yet because it's early, so I don't think testing tomorrow will help.
(Even though I bought the super-fancy early-testing HPTs, right? I should still not test a day early, right?)
I have been feeling sick and tired from the prometrium, so I left work early yesterday, went home, and took a nap. I feel much better today, much less crampy. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
This wait is so frustrating. I am trying very hard to not get my hopes up, because I have serious doubts that even with the medications we could get pregnant on our own. I'm trying to remember that a BFN on Sunday means a call to the RE on Monday to set up my baseline ultrasound, and that a new IUI cycle has begun. I know that my rational brain will see it this way, but my heart will still feel broken.
Trying to stay upbeat but not TOO upbeat. It's a gray morning, but the sun is supposed to make an appearance later today. I'm looking forward to an evening out with my husband, a day of biking and a dinner with friends tomorrow, and then an early Sunday morning POAS session. I'm just hoping the time passes quickly (like these next 8 hours at work - they are going to be TOUGH!).
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sock It To Me
Hey ! Finally! A picture of my beee-you-tiful socks! My sock partner was Beautiful Mess, and she sent me the cheeriest, happiest socks you can imagine. Take a look:
I was so happy to receive my socks in the mail, and I've worn them to every RE visit since (and a few other times, too). They're so perfect for this time of year, I'm trying to figure out an outfit so that I can wear them on Easter - especially since that's going to be the day of my HPT.
Beautiful Mess and SITM were great introductions to the IF blogging world. I started my blog back in, um, October? Mostly because I was feeling so much pain and had to write it down. I kept it password protected, and almost never commented on others' blogs because I was too shy and felt that until I reached one year of ttc, I didn't really belong.
Once I got up my courage, I commented on Murgdan's blog, and she started checking in on me once in a while. That gave me even more courage, and I started to get involved. Somehow I stumbled onto Kym's blog, and found the SITM sock exchange - I thought it was a great idea. I was so excited to pick out socks for my sock buddy, Battynurse, and to get my socks from Beautiful Mess. And that opened up a whole new world of blogs and support.
I love being part of this network of support. The reactions I get from my bloggie friends are so different than from people I know IRL, and people here actually understand what I'm talking about and what I'm going through in a way that my IRL friends (and even my husband) just can't. It's been a great support, even on the days when I just want to cry on the couch and wait for bedtime. And honestly, being able to hope against hope for others takes a lot of the focus off of thinking only of myself, which is great. Being a part of a support team has been just as rewarding as having a support team.
So ... thank all of you! Thanks Beautiful Mess for my socks, and everyone else for all the words of hope!
I was so happy to receive my socks in the mail, and I've worn them to every RE visit since (and a few other times, too). They're so perfect for this time of year, I'm trying to figure out an outfit so that I can wear them on Easter - especially since that's going to be the day of my HPT.
Beautiful Mess and SITM were great introductions to the IF blogging world. I started my blog back in, um, October? Mostly because I was feeling so much pain and had to write it down. I kept it password protected, and almost never commented on others' blogs because I was too shy and felt that until I reached one year of ttc, I didn't really belong.
Once I got up my courage, I commented on Murgdan's blog, and she started checking in on me once in a while. That gave me even more courage, and I started to get involved. Somehow I stumbled onto Kym's blog, and found the SITM sock exchange - I thought it was a great idea. I was so excited to pick out socks for my sock buddy, Battynurse, and to get my socks from Beautiful Mess. And that opened up a whole new world of blogs and support.
I love being part of this network of support. The reactions I get from my bloggie friends are so different than from people I know IRL, and people here actually understand what I'm talking about and what I'm going through in a way that my IRL friends (and even my husband) just can't. It's been a great support, even on the days when I just want to cry on the couch and wait for bedtime. And honestly, being able to hope against hope for others takes a lot of the focus off of thinking only of myself, which is great. Being a part of a support team has been just as rewarding as having a support team.
So ... thank all of you! Thanks Beautiful Mess for my socks, and everyone else for all the words of hope!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
This week is SO SLOW
10 dpo, 4 days to go.
I have nothing exciting to write about, I'm sorry.
Life is fun right now, but work is boring, and work is where I spend most of my time. It's really tough to get through each day, sitting at my desk in this cubicle surrounded by paper, the blinking message light on my phone, constant inane emails from the same people over and over who don't understand what I'm trying to tel them.
The Banff Mountain Film Festival last night was pretty good, it always helps to put things in perspective, watching films about nature and the mountains and the beauty of the outdoors. And it was nice to see a few friends, even if I was stressed out that we were late (I have to get over that).
There are so many blogs I'm reading in which the writers expect to know within the next week if their current cycle is successful. I'm happy to count myself as one of them, even though without the IUI I don't have much faith in a BFP.
I'm already picturing getting up to POAS and being able to crawl back into bed and tell my husband that it worked. It's a really, really nice fantasy that makes me really happy.
I'm trying to balance it out by picturing what I'll do if it's negative, too. But that really depresses me. I want to maintain a zen state of mind, but it's pretty hard to do.
I think I might be having some prometrium side effects - I feel slightly crampy, like I'm pre-AF, and have been feeling it for the last couple days. I also seem to be experiencing some skin issues (ugh, zits). I have no idea if either is related to the meds, though. I feel like so far I've gotten off pretty light as far as the progesterone goes.
Sunday is 14 dpo. I'm tempted to POAS on Saturday - since my last HCG shot was so much less than it was supposed to be (0.2 cc's instead of 0.5), I'm thinking that it shouldn't cause a false positive. But my goal is to hold out until Sunday. I'm going to really try.
4 days to go.
I have nothing exciting to write about, I'm sorry.
Life is fun right now, but work is boring, and work is where I spend most of my time. It's really tough to get through each day, sitting at my desk in this cubicle surrounded by paper, the blinking message light on my phone, constant inane emails from the same people over and over who don't understand what I'm trying to tel them.
The Banff Mountain Film Festival last night was pretty good, it always helps to put things in perspective, watching films about nature and the mountains and the beauty of the outdoors. And it was nice to see a few friends, even if I was stressed out that we were late (I have to get over that).
There are so many blogs I'm reading in which the writers expect to know within the next week if their current cycle is successful. I'm happy to count myself as one of them, even though without the IUI I don't have much faith in a BFP.
I'm already picturing getting up to POAS and being able to crawl back into bed and tell my husband that it worked. It's a really, really nice fantasy that makes me really happy.
I'm trying to balance it out by picturing what I'll do if it's negative, too. But that really depresses me. I want to maintain a zen state of mind, but it's pretty hard to do.
I think I might be having some prometrium side effects - I feel slightly crampy, like I'm pre-AF, and have been feeling it for the last couple days. I also seem to be experiencing some skin issues (ugh, zits). I have no idea if either is related to the meds, though. I feel like so far I've gotten off pretty light as far as the progesterone goes.
Sunday is 14 dpo. I'm tempted to POAS on Saturday - since my last HCG shot was so much less than it was supposed to be (0.2 cc's instead of 0.5), I'm thinking that it shouldn't cause a false positive. But my goal is to hold out until Sunday. I'm going to really try.
4 days to go.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Nothing to write home about
I'm just hangin' out waitin' for the end of the week. 8dpo, 6 days to go.
In the meantime, I thought I'd write about my thoughts, as well as a few things I'm doing to keep myself busy and distracted.
1. Dinner tonight - we're having our poor realtor and his family for dinner. He has been working with us for over 2 years and hasn't been able to sell us a house yet. So we're having a multi-course dinner for his family - probably around 4 appetizers (scallops stuffed with basil and garlic, boiled prawns with homemade mayo, bruschetta with lardo (an Italian meat), and pickled vegetables), handmade pasta (with either leek and butter sauce, or porcini mushroom and tomato sauce), some sort of pork cooked Italian-style (by my super Italian husband), asparagus with butter and parmesan cheese, and finally dessert - hazelnut cookies with nutella and mascarpone filling and homemade vanilla ice cream. I'm expecting to feel sick from eating too much. But OMG it's going to be so yummy.
2. Banff Mountain Film Festival tomorrow night! Not sure if anyone reading this is into mountains and being outdoorsy, but I can tell ya, I'm excited!
3. Thought #1 - this month will not result in a BFP, because we have not been able to get pregnant from timed intercourse before, and the addition of one egg doesn't raise our chances by all that much.
4. Thought #2 - this month maybe has a better chance of a BFP, because we did have two eggs, and the clomid, HCG, and progesterone will hopefully solve the spotting-before-period problems which may solve the infertility problems.
5. Thought #3 - I have no idea whether either Thought #1 or Thought #2 are accurate or will even matter in the end - I think it's probably all just random luck and what happens, happens.
6. In general, I feel much less stressed this month (except for TAXES, OMG), so hopefully "just relaxing" may actually help.
7. TAXES. OMG. I haven't even STARTED yet. Freaking out to commence in 3 ... 2... 1...
In the meantime, I thought I'd write about my thoughts, as well as a few things I'm doing to keep myself busy and distracted.
1. Dinner tonight - we're having our poor realtor and his family for dinner. He has been working with us for over 2 years and hasn't been able to sell us a house yet. So we're having a multi-course dinner for his family - probably around 4 appetizers (scallops stuffed with basil and garlic, boiled prawns with homemade mayo, bruschetta with lardo (an Italian meat), and pickled vegetables), handmade pasta (with either leek and butter sauce, or porcini mushroom and tomato sauce), some sort of pork cooked Italian-style (by my super Italian husband), asparagus with butter and parmesan cheese, and finally dessert - hazelnut cookies with nutella and mascarpone filling and homemade vanilla ice cream. I'm expecting to feel sick from eating too much. But OMG it's going to be so yummy.
2. Banff Mountain Film Festival tomorrow night! Not sure if anyone reading this is into mountains and being outdoorsy, but I can tell ya, I'm excited!
3. Thought #1 - this month will not result in a BFP, because we have not been able to get pregnant from timed intercourse before, and the addition of one egg doesn't raise our chances by all that much.
4. Thought #2 - this month maybe has a better chance of a BFP, because we did have two eggs, and the clomid, HCG, and progesterone will hopefully solve the spotting-before-period problems which may solve the infertility problems.
5. Thought #3 - I have no idea whether either Thought #1 or Thought #2 are accurate or will even matter in the end - I think it's probably all just random luck and what happens, happens.
6. In general, I feel much less stressed this month (except for TAXES, OMG), so hopefully "just relaxing" may actually help.
7. TAXES. OMG. I haven't even STARTED yet. Freaking out to commence in 3 ... 2... 1...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Injection Super-heroine!
Yup, that's me! I gave myself my own injection! I'm SO proud of myself.
Granted, it was supposed to be 0.5 cc, and I only had 0.2 cc left. That's what gave me the courage to do it - knowing it would be really quick.
And also, because I'm a dumb-ass, I left my purse at my office. Luckily, the really nice train conductor believed me when I told him I had a monthly pass and let me go home anyway.
Hopefully tomorrow I find out how badly I messed up my knee. And how much the progesterone suppositories are going to affect me, since I take the first one tonight. Eek.
Still 10 days left in the 2ww.
Granted, it was supposed to be 0.5 cc, and I only had 0.2 cc left. That's what gave me the courage to do it - knowing it would be really quick.
And also, because I'm a dumb-ass, I left my purse at my office. Luckily, the really nice train conductor believed me when I told him I had a monthly pass and let me go home anyway.
Hopefully tomorrow I find out how badly I messed up my knee. And how much the progesterone suppositories are going to affect me, since I take the first one tonight. Eek.
Still 10 days left in the 2ww.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
This week is almost half-way over!
I can't really complain, because yesterday was a holiday for me, and it was SO NICE not to have to go to work. I did chores and ran errands and met up with a few friends (one with a new baby, the other pregnant). Best of all, my knee feels much better. Still gimpy, but better.
I'm feeling surprisingly calm about this "cycle" (not sure I should really call it a cycle, since the IUI was cancelled). We did our first HCG booster injection Monday night, and it went really well. We're getting to be pros. Unfortunately, this new brand of HCG that we're using seems to regularly cause that annoying reaction of a big raised red spot that's a bit painful, but it's pretty minor all in all. Tomorrow is the last booster injection and the start of progesterone. I'll have, I think, 10 days of progesterone before I get to do a HPT.
It's weird to be so hopeful and yet so calm and zen at the same time - hopeful because of the progesterone and the good reaction to the clomid, zen because we cancelled the IUI so it's totally understandable if it doesn't work. I like it. It's a nice place to be. (It would be nicer if it was already next Wednesday, but you can't have everything).
Yesterday afternoon I met up with my friend with a new baby, one of the few who know we've been trying, partly because we started trying around the time they started trying for the second time. I don't know exactly what happened with their first try - surgery and a miscarriage, not sure in which order and if one caused the other. This friend is very "all-natural", into homeopathy, organics, and so on. I agree with her on a lot of things (I think plastics and non-organics are probably pretty bad for babies, for example), but she is religiously zealous about that kind of stuff. She once encouraged me to stop taking antibiotics for a tick bite after they really upset my stomach. She doesn't believe in taking any drugs that aren't strictly necessary. She had a totally natural childbirth, and doesn't believe in medical intervention unless it is, again, strictly necessary.
I was a wimp - I knew I couldn't tell her about the clomid and HCG and IUIs. She was surprised that we were already seeing a fertility specialist, especially since our tests showed we had nothing wrong. She didn't understand why we would need treatment if nothing was wrong. I was afraid of being judged. I only told her about the progesterone, explaining how I spotted before my periods, which could indicate a problem, and that this could possibly be the fix we were looking for. She was pretty understanding about it, but I could tell she didn't particularly approve.
The whole episode was an eye-opener for me. It made me see how and why some people don't approve of fertility treatment. In this case, I don't believe that her opinion would be that if we can't conceive naturally, we shouldn't have children. It wasn't a religious problem for her, it wasn't "God's plan". I know if she was in this situation, she would be researching herbs and looking into homeopathic alternatives. I also know that if testing had found problems, she would address them sooner or later. But I could tell she thought we were being impatient, we wanted instant gratification. We couldn't just let nature take its course.
So that's Wednesday morning - lessons learned, a less gimpy knee, and hopefully a fun weekend looming on the horizon.
I'm feeling surprisingly calm about this "cycle" (not sure I should really call it a cycle, since the IUI was cancelled). We did our first HCG booster injection Monday night, and it went really well. We're getting to be pros. Unfortunately, this new brand of HCG that we're using seems to regularly cause that annoying reaction of a big raised red spot that's a bit painful, but it's pretty minor all in all. Tomorrow is the last booster injection and the start of progesterone. I'll have, I think, 10 days of progesterone before I get to do a HPT.
It's weird to be so hopeful and yet so calm and zen at the same time - hopeful because of the progesterone and the good reaction to the clomid, zen because we cancelled the IUI so it's totally understandable if it doesn't work. I like it. It's a nice place to be. (It would be nicer if it was already next Wednesday, but you can't have everything).
Yesterday afternoon I met up with my friend with a new baby, one of the few who know we've been trying, partly because we started trying around the time they started trying for the second time. I don't know exactly what happened with their first try - surgery and a miscarriage, not sure in which order and if one caused the other. This friend is very "all-natural", into homeopathy, organics, and so on. I agree with her on a lot of things (I think plastics and non-organics are probably pretty bad for babies, for example), but she is religiously zealous about that kind of stuff. She once encouraged me to stop taking antibiotics for a tick bite after they really upset my stomach. She doesn't believe in taking any drugs that aren't strictly necessary. She had a totally natural childbirth, and doesn't believe in medical intervention unless it is, again, strictly necessary.
I was a wimp - I knew I couldn't tell her about the clomid and HCG and IUIs. She was surprised that we were already seeing a fertility specialist, especially since our tests showed we had nothing wrong. She didn't understand why we would need treatment if nothing was wrong. I was afraid of being judged. I only told her about the progesterone, explaining how I spotted before my periods, which could indicate a problem, and that this could possibly be the fix we were looking for. She was pretty understanding about it, but I could tell she didn't particularly approve.
The whole episode was an eye-opener for me. It made me see how and why some people don't approve of fertility treatment. In this case, I don't believe that her opinion would be that if we can't conceive naturally, we shouldn't have children. It wasn't a religious problem for her, it wasn't "God's plan". I know if she was in this situation, she would be researching herbs and looking into homeopathic alternatives. I also know that if testing had found problems, she would address them sooner or later. But I could tell she thought we were being impatient, we wanted instant gratification. We couldn't just let nature take its course.
So that's Wednesday morning - lessons learned, a less gimpy knee, and hopefully a fun weekend looming on the horizon.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Support socks
Just a quick note - I've signed up to participate in what sounds like it will be a great activity for the infertility (and related) community - the Great Sock-It-To-Me Exchange. Check it out!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Bitterness
When I was in high school, I had the unpleasant experience of having to take the morning-after pill. I was a very naive 17 years old. It was during a rather unfortunate relationship, I was very obviously not on The Pill, and I was really uncomfortable with the entire situation. Not to mention totally freaked out. The people at Planned Parenthood were very wonderful and non-judgmental (and in fact after that visit and various other more routine visits when I was a low-income recent grad, I vowed to go back one day and make a big donation). Nonetheless, taking the morning-after pill seriously sucked.
For starters, I puked violently after the first dose, forcing my friend's parent to pull over the minivan in which we were driving on our way to a day of skiing at Tahoe so I could be miserable by the side of the road. I took that as a sign that the medication was probably no longer in my stomach, which indicated I needed to take it again. I no longer recall how long I was sick due to those pills, although I do seem to remember enjoying at least part of a sunny afternoon in the mountains. It was rather uncomfortable to have everyone worrying about me, wondering whether it was the flu, or motion sickness, or something I ate, when I knew exactly what it was the whole time, but was not at liberty to say. I grew up quickly that day.
That little lesson made a huge impression on me. It made me even more wary of my relationship with my now-ex (a relationship I finally ended at least 6 months later, not having had the spine to say "no" to way too many things until I left for college). It made me wary of the choices I was making in my life, or rather the choices I was letting other people make for me. It definitely made me think about having children, at least to the extent that my naivete allowed (being from a small family, I had no experience with pregnant women or babies outside of occasional babysitting). It also reinforced, as it would with any young girl that age in our society, the lesson I had learned from school and church and parents and everyone else that JUST ONE MISTAKE could RUIN MY LIFE. That a baby is an unwanted thing, and that ceasing to be vigilant for 10 minutes would automatically produce one.
Getting older and growing wiser and a lot more aware managed to only partially change my thinking. I began to understand that a baby is NOT an unwanted thing, but a blessing and one of the greatest joys in life. Somehow, I didn't make the connection that due to the sacred status of creating a new life, it might not be so easy as ceasing to be vigilant for 10 minutes.
Of course, after my first incredibly disappointing month of ttc, I've progressed through all the stages most infertiles go through (based on my own opinion), and I'm currently at the one that I think we tend to fall back on frequently - bitterness.
UNLIKE many other infertiles, I so far don't blame myself. I don't think my wishing and hoping and praying not to be pregnant when I was 17 years old caused God to curse me now. I certainly don't think that I'm being punished for being less than perfect, for making the wrong choices in life, for not being religious and going to church, or for anything else. (Despite this, I DO find myself sometimes bargaining with God or the Great Being or whoever, promising to be a better person if I can just get pregnant).
No, I think this is all random luck, just as the person who gets cancer or suffers a miscarriage did not in any way do anything to bring bad luck upon herself. Whether it's random luck that we cannot seem to get pregnant for unknown reasons, or random luck that there actually IS something wrong with one or both of us that modern medicine cannot detect - either way, I think it's random.
Unfortunately, I also think it's damn unfair.
For starters, I puked violently after the first dose, forcing my friend's parent to pull over the minivan in which we were driving on our way to a day of skiing at Tahoe so I could be miserable by the side of the road. I took that as a sign that the medication was probably no longer in my stomach, which indicated I needed to take it again. I no longer recall how long I was sick due to those pills, although I do seem to remember enjoying at least part of a sunny afternoon in the mountains. It was rather uncomfortable to have everyone worrying about me, wondering whether it was the flu, or motion sickness, or something I ate, when I knew exactly what it was the whole time, but was not at liberty to say. I grew up quickly that day.
That little lesson made a huge impression on me. It made me even more wary of my relationship with my now-ex (a relationship I finally ended at least 6 months later, not having had the spine to say "no" to way too many things until I left for college). It made me wary of the choices I was making in my life, or rather the choices I was letting other people make for me. It definitely made me think about having children, at least to the extent that my naivete allowed (being from a small family, I had no experience with pregnant women or babies outside of occasional babysitting). It also reinforced, as it would with any young girl that age in our society, the lesson I had learned from school and church and parents and everyone else that JUST ONE MISTAKE could RUIN MY LIFE. That a baby is an unwanted thing, and that ceasing to be vigilant for 10 minutes would automatically produce one.
Getting older and growing wiser and a lot more aware managed to only partially change my thinking. I began to understand that a baby is NOT an unwanted thing, but a blessing and one of the greatest joys in life. Somehow, I didn't make the connection that due to the sacred status of creating a new life, it might not be so easy as ceasing to be vigilant for 10 minutes.
Of course, after my first incredibly disappointing month of ttc, I've progressed through all the stages most infertiles go through (based on my own opinion), and I'm currently at the one that I think we tend to fall back on frequently - bitterness.
UNLIKE many other infertiles, I so far don't blame myself. I don't think my wishing and hoping and praying not to be pregnant when I was 17 years old caused God to curse me now. I certainly don't think that I'm being punished for being less than perfect, for making the wrong choices in life, for not being religious and going to church, or for anything else. (Despite this, I DO find myself sometimes bargaining with God or the Great Being or whoever, promising to be a better person if I can just get pregnant).
No, I think this is all random luck, just as the person who gets cancer or suffers a miscarriage did not in any way do anything to bring bad luck upon herself. Whether it's random luck that we cannot seem to get pregnant for unknown reasons, or random luck that there actually IS something wrong with one or both of us that modern medicine cannot detect - either way, I think it's random.
Unfortunately, I also think it's damn unfair.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friends
Serious pity party today. Poor me. Some married friends came over last night, ostensibly to see us before we left for Italy. In reality, it turned out, they wanted to tell us in person about their pregnancy because they would be announcing it at a party they are throwing next weekend, when we won’t be here.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so happy for them. They are good friends, nice people, and definitely deserve every little bit of happiness. They have no idea that we’ve been trying, or how long we’ve been trying, or that we’ve been through months of testing, or that we’re being treated for infertility.
They’ve asked us when we’re going to have kids, in a gentle, joking sort of way that is usually easy to brush off, but with the news from them last night is much harder. They’ll have a baby in 6 months. Where will we be in 6 months? I just don’t know.
I already had one friend confide in me, around the time we started trying, that she and her husband lost their first pregnancy due to the discovery of a polyp on her ovary. Since then, she’s had surgery, gotten pregnant, and just delivered her son. I was sure at first that we would share the pregnancy experience, and it would bring us closer together, because God knows I need some good friends in my little town. Then after a while I thought, well, at least I won’t be too far behind, and we can still share the experience of being new mothers. Now she has gone far ahead of me, and I don’t know if I can catch up. I told her at the beginning that we were trying, too. After a while, she stopped asking for news. I’m sure she’s busy with her newborn, but I wish she would, once in a while, think of me.
It’s true, actually, that even amongst the pregnancy announcements flying around, one friend has apparently been ttc since sometime last summer (I heard this second- or third-hand). I wonder if I should break down my wall of silence and reach out to her. If sharing this experience could help us both. But then I fear that for them it will just be a fluke (after all, they’re well under a year of ttc, and for all I know could be pregnant now), and I will have shown some serious vulnerability, and they’ll be pregnant.
I think maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself in order to try to prevent myself from being too hopeful, as a way of self-protection, self-preservation. Despite everything, I still can’t help hoping that this month is it. We’ve got EVERYTHING going for us, after all. But as I’m quickly learning in this incredibly unfair experience, that probably doesn’t matter at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so happy for them. They are good friends, nice people, and definitely deserve every little bit of happiness. They have no idea that we’ve been trying, or how long we’ve been trying, or that we’ve been through months of testing, or that we’re being treated for infertility.
They’ve asked us when we’re going to have kids, in a gentle, joking sort of way that is usually easy to brush off, but with the news from them last night is much harder. They’ll have a baby in 6 months. Where will we be in 6 months? I just don’t know.
I already had one friend confide in me, around the time we started trying, that she and her husband lost their first pregnancy due to the discovery of a polyp on her ovary. Since then, she’s had surgery, gotten pregnant, and just delivered her son. I was sure at first that we would share the pregnancy experience, and it would bring us closer together, because God knows I need some good friends in my little town. Then after a while I thought, well, at least I won’t be too far behind, and we can still share the experience of being new mothers. Now she has gone far ahead of me, and I don’t know if I can catch up. I told her at the beginning that we were trying, too. After a while, she stopped asking for news. I’m sure she’s busy with her newborn, but I wish she would, once in a while, think of me.
It’s true, actually, that even amongst the pregnancy announcements flying around, one friend has apparently been ttc since sometime last summer (I heard this second- or third-hand). I wonder if I should break down my wall of silence and reach out to her. If sharing this experience could help us both. But then I fear that for them it will just be a fluke (after all, they’re well under a year of ttc, and for all I know could be pregnant now), and I will have shown some serious vulnerability, and they’ll be pregnant.
I think maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself in order to try to prevent myself from being too hopeful, as a way of self-protection, self-preservation. Despite everything, I still can’t help hoping that this month is it. We’ve got EVERYTHING going for us, after all. But as I’m quickly learning in this incredibly unfair experience, that probably doesn’t matter at all.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
CD 2 of IUI#1 !!!!!
And heeeeeeere we go!
Today is a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday continued to suck with depression and cramps. Yesterday was not my friend.
But! Last night I slept. It was wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 and I did wake up briefly (I think around 6) and got up at 6:30 and yay, I feel so much better.
And now I'm shocked that tomorrow is my first u/s!!!! Hooray! AND my first day taking Clomid! Not so hooray!
I'm wondering about doing an u/s while AF is here. That seems a little ... weird. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, I guess, if I have time. Tomorrow is a busy day. U/s in the morning, then work and training, then running with my friend and then rock climbing. At least, that's the plan.
So, here we are CD 2. It's exciting.
Today is a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday continued to suck with depression and cramps. Yesterday was not my friend.
But! Last night I slept. It was wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 and I did wake up briefly (I think around 6) and got up at 6:30 and yay, I feel so much better.
And now I'm shocked that tomorrow is my first u/s!!!! Hooray! AND my first day taking Clomid! Not so hooray!
I'm wondering about doing an u/s while AF is here. That seems a little ... weird. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, I guess, if I have time. Tomorrow is a busy day. U/s in the morning, then work and training, then running with my friend and then rock climbing. At least, that's the plan.
So, here we are CD 2. It's exciting.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Our first treatment cycle starts - but first, I'm completely crazy
I’m really ashamed to admit how bad things got, and how crazy I’ve been.
I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.
Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.
OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.
Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.
Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.
5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!
So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.
I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.
I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).
L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.
Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.
I’m infertile.
I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.
Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.
OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.
Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.
Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.
5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!
So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.
I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.
I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).
L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.
Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.
I’m infertile.
Friday, January 16, 2009
And now craziness sets in as well
I have NO reason to think I'm pregnant, considering we haven't had sex since (I think) January 2, which was CD 9, which is REALLY early when you consider that O should be around CD 13-14, and I’ve recently wondered whether I O a bit late (based on my OPKs). So – almost impossible this month, right?
But then we went in for our RE consult on January 6, which is CD 13, and I swear she said it looked like I just ovulated or would ovulate possibly that day.
So really, there’s a tiny possibility. Which I had been completely discounting.
But now my boobs are SORE. And have been for several days. I mean, how early do you get sore boobs?
OK, it’s Friday. I expect spotting Monday or Tuesday and AF Wednesday or Thursday. And it’s a win-win situation – no AF means HPT, AF means call RE and start scheduling away!
So I guess I should be happy! And I sort of am! I just feel a bit weird about it all.
Probably won’t post until I get spotting. But fingers will be crossed.
Update at 11:50 (after scarfing my lunch much earlier than planned): Now I'm totally convinced I'm pg and am restraining myself from going to get a HPT. I swear if no spotting by Tuesday, I will do it then. I can totally hold out 4-5 days.
But then we went in for our RE consult on January 6, which is CD 13, and I swear she said it looked like I just ovulated or would ovulate possibly that day.
So really, there’s a tiny possibility. Which I had been completely discounting.
But now my boobs are SORE. And have been for several days. I mean, how early do you get sore boobs?
OK, it’s Friday. I expect spotting Monday or Tuesday and AF Wednesday or Thursday. And it’s a win-win situation – no AF means HPT, AF means call RE and start scheduling away!
So I guess I should be happy! And I sort of am! I just feel a bit weird about it all.
Probably won’t post until I get spotting. But fingers will be crossed.
Update at 11:50 (after scarfing my lunch much earlier than planned): Now I'm totally convinced I'm pg and am restraining myself from going to get a HPT. I swear if no spotting by Tuesday, I will do it then. I can totally hold out 4-5 days.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Impatience sets in again
Argh! I was so calm and cool and collected and now I’m so impatient and ready to go. Damn!
It’s probably because I’m looking at a long, stressful day ahead of me today, so I turn my mind to more pleasant things.
Still, it’s already Thursday, and I’m looking forward to a nice weekend of skiing and biking and cleaning my house (which desperately needs it). I might get super-serious about cleaning out closets. I can’t stand how cluttered they are, we could use a bit of extra space, and who knows? Maybe we’ll eventually have a baby and need some space for baby stuff.
OK, now I know I need to get a grip.
Anyway, Monday is a holiday for me (yay state jobs), and Tuesday I should at least be spotting, if not already on Monday. So yay! Hooray!!!!! In no more than 5 days I'll get some sign (I hope), and in 6-7 days, we’ll be on our way. Wheee!
It’s probably because I’m looking at a long, stressful day ahead of me today, so I turn my mind to more pleasant things.
Still, it’s already Thursday, and I’m looking forward to a nice weekend of skiing and biking and cleaning my house (which desperately needs it). I might get super-serious about cleaning out closets. I can’t stand how cluttered they are, we could use a bit of extra space, and who knows? Maybe we’ll eventually have a baby and need some space for baby stuff.
OK, now I know I need to get a grip.
Anyway, Monday is a holiday for me (yay state jobs), and Tuesday I should at least be spotting, if not already on Monday. So yay! Hooray!!!!! In no more than 5 days I'll get some sign (I hope), and in 6-7 days, we’ll be on our way. Wheee!
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