I am determined not to be too hopeful about this cycle, as I keep saying, but for some reason I have a feeling. I'm scared to mention it for fear of jinxing anything, but I want to remember it if it turns out to be important.
This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.
The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.
The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.
This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.
But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.
So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.
And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.