Thursday, April 30, 2009

4 dpo, 10 days to go (and a frank discussion of adoption)

I HATE the 2ww.

The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.

Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.

I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.

In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.

There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.

Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!

Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.

I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.

My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.

So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.


  1. There is nothing easy about anything related to IF, is there?

    My husband is the opposite of yours in at least one way: he very much wants OUR child, so much so that I'm not certain that he will even consider adoption. There is a very real possibility that if we don't get pregnant we will end up living "child free."

    Good luck with this cycle. I hope things work out, and you don't even get to the point where you have to consider next steps.

  2. it must be so hard to disagree about such a MAJOR decision in your life, although in my mind it should be more of your decision if you want to continue ART a little while longer, since it is your body. i hope you don't even have to think about it after this cycle, but if so, maybe he would agree to starting the adoption process while you do a few more cycles?? good luck.

    i agree with S, there really is NOTHING easy about this. and it sucks!

  3. Hang in there. My husband is actually the one responsible for the chores in our house, but he doesn't often get things done without prodding. Our situation is a little different from yours, in that he wants us to use donor sperm on our next cycle and I'm the one having trouble getting on board. Like you, I want to carry our child. Fingers still crossed for you!

  4. Oh, man. It's so tough when you're on a different page with your spouse re: next steps.

    Everything crossed for you here.....

  5. That does make it so hard when you and someone you love have totally different ideas of what's acceptable or not on this path. I hope that somehow things work out. Hugs to you.

  6. That is hard if you guys are not agreeing on this big decision. But I think you are right that you have to come to terms with not having a biological child and you each will reach that emotional point on your own timeframe.

  7. Just so you know, it IS OK to be irritated with your husband even though he is a great guy. I get irritated with mine and he's done so much for me, especially lately. I hope your right and you don't have to cry tears of pain anymore, only joy.


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!