Wednesday, November 25, 2009

6 weeks

This is a post that I hesitate to write, because I've read something similar on so many blogs before and it made me green with envy. I couldn't understand how anyone who was infertile could complain about morning sickness when they finally had what they wanted.

But this blog is both to share my experience with others and to record my experience for myself, and morning sickness is definitely part of my experience.

Today I am 6 weeks. Last week, I had been waking up in the wee hours of the morning feeling sick, but managing to go back to sleep and feeling mostly fine upon actually getting out of bed a few hours later. That all changed this past weekend, when suddenly I was horribly nauseous all morning. And then, the next day, nauseous again after lunch. And it progressed until now I am sick almost all of the time. Eating something helps - certainly being hungry exacerbates the problems immensely.

My cramps are all but gone, with just some twinges that feel more like gas pains than anything. I'm no longer freaking out that I will see blood every time I go to the bathroom. Instead, I spend my whole day wondering if and when I will puke, and feeling relieved during the short amounts of time when it subsides.

I am thrilled to be sick. But it is still way, way worse than I expected.

And I'm not getting my hopes up or getting a ticker or anything until the ultrasound next week. I AM still an infertile after all.

In the meantime, I put up a poll on the side, for fun. How many embryos do you think they'll see at the ultrasound next Thursday? I don't have a clue - sometimes I'm sure it's just one, other times I wonder. What do you think?

(The infertile in me wants to include "zero", but that is too pessimistic and macabre even for me. I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can, and I don't think I'll jinx myself by being cautiously optimistic.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I thought I was done with this thumb twiddling

I'm not avoiding posting for lack of anything to say, exactly, more like lack of anything interesting to say.

I can't believe how slow this time is going by - it's still two weeks until the ultrasound. Luckily, tomorrow is Friday (sweet, blessed Friday!), and Saturday is very busy, and Sunday is Sunday, and next week is only a 2.75-day week (woohoo!), and then there's Thanksgiving and shopping and lazing around in pajamas and then suddenly it will be ultrasound week. And my ultrasound is on a Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday will be rather tough, I'm sure. But still! I guess it's not too far away after all.

I know what I want to see at the ultrasound, and I'm really hoping it's not too much to ask for. One or two little beans, of appropriate size and with appropriate heartbeats. That's it. Please!

In the meantime, just like last post, I am cramping. I get cramps for 20-30 minutes randomly throughout the day, and then they go away and I feel more or less fine. I'm starting to think that I am feeling some nausea here and there, but if it is, it's so mild that I am not even sure.

How boring, I know. Ultrasound blah blah blah cramps blah blah blah mild nausea blah. Maybe I won't update again until there's actual news.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Life Goes On

I'm not sure what to write about these days.

I feel a bit like a kid in a candy store, not really believing that my parents let me go in. I've googled a few things about pregnancy, like what kinds of medications I can take and how much do maternity clothes cost anyway? I feel clueless, timid, anxious.

I also feel crampy. Which I've been told is normal. It was really alarming for a few days, but now that it's been going on for over a week, I'm ok with it (not that I LIKE it). So far it is my only symptom, though. Who knew that being pregnant would feel exactly like having my period? The only difference is that the cramps are much more sporadic and feel a bit like indigetstion, too. I think I'd rather have some mild nausea.

So the big question - the ultrasound! The clinic originally told me that they'd schedule an ultrasound for 7 weeks, and when I called to schedule it, my coordinator suggested a date that was 7 weeks 6 days - which is 8 weeks as far as I was concerned, and there was NO WAY I was going to wait that long. I actually had to argue with her about getting it earlier, and she gradually moved up the date until it was 7 weeks 1 day, complaining that that was too early.

Whatever. I am not putting up with this clinic anymore, I am telling them what I want and they are going to do it. I paid a LOT of money for that privilege.

The ultrasound is December 3. Two weeks and three days from now.

Another freaking two week wait, but so worth it this time. Of course I'm terrified of something being wrong, or of having crazy multiples (which seems unlikely since my betas were not crazy high), but I'm so hopeful to see one or two little beans.

And in the meantime, I have to try to get used to saying the "p" word.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Beta #2

Beta #2 = 321!

Almost double in about 22 hours, so perfect! I'm so relieved and thrilled and still in shock. Here is the chart I've seen some people use - based on this, there's a chance of twins, but I kind of doubt it.

Unfortunately my lunch did not agree with me today and I've spent the last few hours in bed while everyone at work is worried I've given them the flu. It could be a pregnancy symptom, but most likely it's the greasy quesadilla I had for lunch - well, I'll try to use it as a learning experience.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


I'm going to take a moment, in the midst of my amazement and disbelief and happiness, to complain about my infertility clinic. Don't get me wrong - it is now a minor part of what I'm hoping continues to be a big change of luck for me - but it is really annoying nonetheless.

Here was my day yesterday:

8 am-8:40 am - call clinic repeatedly but no one ever answers (to be fair, they have no posted hours, so I don't know what time anyone arrives anyway)

8:42 am - someone answers (not the usual receptionist) and tells me my coordinator is in a meeting, which will be over around 9, but she wouldn't necessarily be able to call back right then. I told her that I was calling because I had a positive hpt, and needed a blood test, which I thought would indicate it was important that I get a return call.

8:43 am - 10:43 am - I wait and no one calls me back.

10:44 am - I call and wait on hold for my coordinator, who never comes to the phone; someone else comes and says she'll check with the doctor about doing a beta and call me back right away

11:14 - the first (and only!) call I actually receive from the clinic all day; my coordinator asking me if I can come in RIGHT AWAY for a beta

11:15 - I race around getting my purse and shoes and things together

11:30 - I arrive at the clinic and get my blood drawn. My coordinator tells me that it should take a couple of hours for the result and promises to call me immediately as soon as she has it

11:45-1 pm - lunch with my sweetie

1-4:30 pm - waiting, waiting, waiting - it's been FIVE HOURS since I was told it would only take two hours and someone would call me right away - now I'm starting to worry that they will close or that my coordinator has gone home for the day

4:35 pm - I finally call the clinic to ask WTF; my coordinator has been waiting to ask the doctor if he wants me to even have a second beta, and so has not yelled called with the result. Yeah, like I would have minded if she had to call me twice, instead of sitting around half the day wondering what the result was. Finally get result!

Today as of noon - This morning at 6:30am I sent an email with a few basic questions, and asking if I can schedule my second beta - I've had good luck with email in the past, and not so great luck with calling them; but no response so far. Frustrating!

I'm obviously thrilled that I'm pregnant, but the cherry on top is that in a few more weeks, if all goes well, I no longer have to work with these people!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Beta #1

Did NOT think I'd be writing this post anytime soon, but here it is:

Beta #1 = 164

At least for today, I'm pregnant!

Um ... not what I was expecting

I must confess that I broke down and tested yesterday after work. And then again yesterday night. And again this morning.

I was in total shock. I still am in total shock. I know it could still be bad - there are numerous things that can go wrong, from chemical pg, ectopic, miscarriage, and so on.

Still, for now, for once, I FINALLY get to be cautiously optimistic.

Still waiting on the clinic to let me know if I can go for my beta today - please let them call me back soon!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One more day

I had a good weekend, and I've kept myself really busy. Cleaning and organizing the house is going well, and I'm really happy with how things look. If only I could get rid of our filthy carpet, I would be so much happier, but unfortunately that isn't something a renter can do. If there was one thing I should do more often around the house, it's probably vacuuming.

But anyway, talking about cleaning houses is boring. I spent the weekend up in the foothills of the Sierra, hanging out with old friends, spending some quality time with my husband and family, and going for a pretty tough bike ride.

Work is getting worse and worse. Management here consists of a lot of fairly stupid people, which in itself might not be so bad, except they are also vindictive, finger-pointing, ass-kissing, insincere idiots. I am tired of working for people who blame me when they are wrong and take the credit when I am right. I am reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know if I can work here much longer. I have five and a half weeks until I leave for Italy, and I wonder if I can find something else by then.

And of course only one more day until I POAS. And even though I know there is not a good chance it will be positive, I will still be very sad if it's negative. I hope my husband understands that I can't help it, that this isn't easy for me, that I've been through a lot, that the last two months have been especially emotionally difficult, and being sad and crying can be cathartic and healing for me. Thank goodness that tomorrow's a holiday - I need a day off.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ebb and Flow

I saw this on a blog or website somewhere recently, I don't even remember the context, but I thought - that's it! That is something I need to hang on to, this idea that things ebb and flow.

First, it is good to remember that sometimes things will be good and sometimes things will be bad, and they will never stay that way forever. That life is always full of ups and downs, and I need to remember to treasure the ups while they last and bear with the downs because I know that things will be looking up again soon.

But also I like the idea of remembering that time passes, sometimes it passes more quickly than other times, but nonetheless I will get through whatever it is that is bringing me down or making me irritable. Time will ebb and flow and so will my life, right along with it.

I am feeling more at peace. Thanks to all who sent me good wishes. Today is 9dpiui, but it doesn't really matter. Today is Friday, which is what matters. A day to see my friends at work and forget about the crappy stuff that is going on here. A day to think about my future - my evening with my husband, my weekend with friends and family, going to a new crochet/knit group in my town on Monday, a dinner with Italian friends on Tuesday. I'm thankful to be busy and have so many people in my life, family and friends, old and new.

I think it helps that I am working hard on organizing my house - I feel in some ways that it is a metaphor for me. It has been cluttered and disorganized, with half-done forgotten projects, papers that have needed to be filed for a year, things always being put aside because I would get to them later. Just like me and my life - a half-finished project at which I am faltering because I've lost sight of my goals, even my short-term ones.

And maybe I still don't know what the goals are, but at least I'm working on figuring them out, which is a huge step in the right direction. And along with determining my goals, I'm examining my soul, and my prejudices and my preconceived notions. I know it's a work in progress and always will be, but as the days ebb and flow, I hope that I gradually become the person that I want someday to be.

Maybe it's the season, it's paradoxically a time of being social and going to parties, but also of introspection and thinking and stirring up thoughts and feelings as the weather turns cold and we spend more time indoors, curled up in our houses like they are coccoons. Enjoying the beauty of autumn and the quiet of winter while dreaming of new life in spring. We're all really butterflies, getting ready to stretch our wings.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I am hating my job right now. I'm bored out of my MIND. I hate paperwork and bureaucracy, and that's all I do. Worse, I am enforcing regulations that I think are not good policy. I don't like being part of the system.

I've stuck with this job for two years because 1) I kept thinking I'd be a SAHM by now; 2) my boss has been pretty cool with all the time I take off for If appointments, surgery, and trips to Italy; 3) the pay is pretty good; 4) I like the people I work with - most of the time, anyway; 5) I've never worked at a job longer than a year and a half and I wanted something longer-term on my resume.

But this job has no future growth for me. The promotion I have been eligible for since May is being held up due to paperwork issues, and there is no end in sight, while most of my peers have been promoted ahead of me. I've been ttc for almost TWO YEARS with no success. If IUI #4 doesn't work, we don't move onto our next IVF cycle until January/February. I will be stuck here another year at the very least.

I'm feeling down and depressed and unmotivated and hopeless.

On the other hand, I'm looking into maybe teaching English as a second language. Right now I'm looking at sitting in a cube until I retire, and I think I need something more exciting to work for. Some sort of goal that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Something that helps me get up each morning looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it.

I'm also giving more serious thought to adoption. I don't know if I can keep going through this shitty emotional roller coaster.

My POAS dreams have already started. I wish they'd stop. I only have eight days to go, and I need a little peace of mind.

Monday, November 2, 2009


I hate the 2ww.

Hate it hate it hate it.

I am only 5 days into it, and have 9 days to go (I love my little ticker at the top of my page - love it love it love it).

I had a busy, busy weekend, but no plans for this week at all. I'm worried it will go by slowly. I tend to break up long waits into manageable chunks of time. The first chunk was getting through the weekend, which was easy.

Now I have to get through to Friday, which is hard enough under normal circumstances (maybe I'll just try to be extra-productive this week, hahahaha). Then I have to get through next weekend, which should be a bit easier (but getting closer to D-Day, which makes it hard). And then I have two weekdays which will probably be REALLY hard. November 9 and 10, I've got to figure out a way to make them go quickly.

Only 9 days. 5 days, then 2 days, then 2 days. No problem. Ha. Maybe I'll try to break the 5 days down into some sort of milestone.

Regarding IUI #4 - insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. At least I'm not really expecting a different result, so I guess I'm not technically insane. Right?