Holy freakout batman

I am completely freaked out about the HCG injection now. I got my package from the pharmacy yesterday. At first I almost had a heart attack when I saw the needles - I wouldn't call them huge, but they were much bigger than I expected. Then I read the instructions and realized that the other needles were much smaller, and those were for the actual injection. The bigger needles are for getting the medicine into the syringe.

But reading the instructions scared me a bit because I discovered that it is an intramuscular injection, not subcutaneous. So I went to Stirrup Queens and read about intramuscular injections, and completely freaked out. I'm still freaked out. And I have at least 3-4 days until I even have to do the injection. Now I'm waiting for Monday with a mix of excitement and total dread.

L told me a story about how his grandmother had to give him a series of injections when he was a kid, and he hated it too. And how one time she was on vacation at the sea, so they went to spend the weekend there so she could give him his injection, and instead of enjoying the trip, he thought about the injection the whole time. I think he was trying to tell me not to spoil my whole weekend, but also that he understood. He's such a sweet boy.

But I'm still freaked out.

I cried last night, both at the unfairness of it all and because we might have to cancel our trip to Italy because of some of L's asshole employees (and probably because of the Clomid, too). And I thought about what a big baby I am, when other people (but eventually maybe me, oh God) have to give themselves these types of injections daily or even more than once a day, and I'm freaking out about a one-time deal. Except maybe it won't end up being a one-time deal. Now I'm freaking out that maybe this IUI won't work the first time (and the odds say "no"), and I'll have to go through all of this again, and then maybe again, and then maybe move onto something even worse. And I know, one step at a time and all that, but seriously. It feels much more real now.

So excuse me while I throw myself a serious pity party.

Surely it will happen this month ...

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but now I’ve seen it on so many other IF blogs that I want to address it again. The constant feeling that it will happen this month, so going to the OBGYN or doing some infertility tests or looking up an RE is a waste of good time and money.

Cycle is such an appropriate word, because it does feel like an endless cycle and despite the obvious starting and ending point, there never seems to be an obvious STOPPING point, where you stop and say, wait! It’s definitely time, I was sure yesterday wasn’t it, and today I’m sure.

I mean, CD1 means that it’s a new cycle, so maybe this cycle could be the one! It’s less than two weeks until I get to try again! I can hold out two weeks!

And then in two weeks, it’s only two more weeks until I find out for sure if it worked this month (which it surely did), and if I can’t be patient for two whole weeks, then am I really mature enough to have a child?!

What will everyone think if I go to see an infertility specialist and then I turn up pregnant that month? What will the doctor think? EVERYONE will think I am overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. I’ll feel ridiculous. Better just to wait the two weeks and see what happens.

AF.

Damn.

But hey! It’s only two weeks until we get try to again.


P.S. Now that I've actually started treatment, I'm of course thinking that surely, it will happen this month. I mean, no diagnosed problems, 100 mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, HCG, AND IUI. What in the world could go wrong? (<-- sarcasm)

Two for the price of one (no, not twins)

The SHG went great today! The doctor said I had a beautiful uterus, so I felt particularly proud of myself (for once). She’s such an awesome doctor.

We checked out my ovaries, and my right one is apparently responding well to the Clomid. As far as the left one – she said “you know that saying about how you have all your eggs in one basket?” I asked if that was normal, and she said it was fine.

I took some pain medication this morning, so I don’t know if that affected anything, but the procedure itself was painless. It was slightly uncomfortable when she was trying to get the catheter in, but otherwise I didn’t have any problems. I AM having some minor cramps this afternoon.

So we were of course thrilled. I mean, it would be nice to have a diagnosis, but since we’re already invested in this cycle to some degree, it would NOT have been nice to have to cancel it. Actually, it was amazing, on the way back to his office L even said “so we have some hope for this cycle, right?”

That’s not really characteristic of my completely laid-back, no expectations, life-happens husband. It was a little weird.

BUT. Before we left, they mentioned that they hadn’t received my bloodwork. Um …? I was never told to do bloodwork (aside from a brief mention at our initial consultation). Whoops. They gave me a lab slip and I went straight over there and did it right away. I even threw in a toxoplasmosis test for good measure (I have a kitty).

This was a different lab than we went to before, and the needle kinda hurt, I guess I’m a bit of a wuss. I used to give blood all the time, but I never really liked doing it. I think I’m just getting nervous for the HCG shot.

Anyway. I got TWO sets of tests done during ONE break from the office. Go me!


Update at 4 pm - Having yucky cramps now, AND I'm hot (is my office hot or is it the Clomid? I don't know). I'm REALLY looking forward to going home.

Taking medications: Check
Taking prenatals: Check
Obsessing: Check
Endless google research: Check
Appointments made: Check

I'm ready! Totally ready!

A pharmacy called me today out of the blue to arrange to ship my HCG shot. My doctor didn't mention that she had called in the prescription nor that it would be shipped from a pharmacy on the east coast, so I was a bit startled to get the call.

And now I'm a little nervous about giving myself the shot, but hey, it's nothing. I can do it! I'm sure of it.

I'm actually kind of happy that I'll get the SHG tomorrow. At least I don't totally feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs for a whole week.

Getting into the swing of things

My appointment at the RE on Friday went well, I think.

It was CD 3, they did the ultrasound. I actually wasn’t bleeding much, so it was just like all my other ultrasounds, really. No cysts or whatever else they were looking for, so that was good. The RE talked a bit about the SHG coming up on Tuesday, then said she would get my prescriptions taken care of.

It turns out she is prescribing 100 mg of Clomid. I wish I had written this down sooner, so I could remember what she said about that. It was either that they didn’t think 50 mg was strong enough to induce good ovulation, or that they wanted a stronger dose to increase the possibility of more than one egg. I was a little surprised.

L and I talked about the possibility of multiples (including more than 2), and we both agree on how we would handle it. We also would be perfectly happy to have twins (or more than 2), but I don’t think it’s a goal for either of us. Twins run in both of our families, so we don’t have illusions about how “awesome” it is to be or have twins.

The other sort of weird thing is that I’m not even going in for my monitoring u/s until CD 13. Which seems a bit late. True, I’m taking Clomid on CDs 5-9, not 3-7. But still. This is my first IUI, so we don’t even know what to expect. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from IF so far, it’s that everything counts, and I'm not thrilled about the possibility of screwing up this cycle, even if I'm overreacting. If we miss this cycle, we definitely miss the next one, too, since we'll be on vacation.

I realize I haven’t been through nearly as much as many other infertiles out there ... yet. And I’m sorry, but I don’t want to. I still have hope that there's a chance this will work on the first try.

It seems like for the doctor to say “ah, well CD 12 is on a weekend, we’ll just push it back to CD 13” ... well, I don’t know what I’m talking about, but doc, please don’t screw this up for me.

Crossing my fingers until next Monday.

On a side note - took my first 100 mg dose of Clomid last night, and experienced some dizziness and/or lightheadedness. Hubby says that it's cool, like being drunk. Um ... yeah. Whatever.

CD 2 of IUI#1 !!!!!

And heeeeeeere we go!

Today is a much better day than yesterday. Yesterday continued to suck with depression and cramps. Yesterday was not my friend.

But! Last night I slept. It was wonderful. I went to bed at 10:30 and I did wake up briefly (I think around 6) and got up at 6:30 and yay, I feel so much better.

And now I'm shocked that tomorrow is my first u/s!!!! Hooray! AND my first day taking Clomid! Not so hooray!

I'm wondering about doing an u/s while AF is here. That seems a little ... weird. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, I guess, if I have time. Tomorrow is a busy day. U/s in the morning, then work and training, then running with my friend and then rock climbing. At least, that's the plan.

So, here we are CD 2. It's exciting.

Our first treatment cycle starts - but first, I'm completely crazy

I’m really ashamed to admit how bad things got, and how crazy I’ve been.

I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.

Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.

OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.

Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.

Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.

5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!

So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.

I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.

I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).

L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.

Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.

Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.

I’m infertile.

Reality bites

It’s what I was more or less expecting, and although I have had a few periods of depression over the last 4 or 5 days, I’m feeling mostly level today.

I had spotting last night, of course. And a tiny bit today. I not only expect full-blown AF tomorrow, I had BETTER have it. Because if we’re going to move on this thing, I want to call the RE ASAP to start making my appointments. I’m totally dedicated to this. I want it to work SO badly.

So this week I’ll have my first u/s, hopefully Thursday or Friday (or maybe this weekend), and then start taking Clomid. Early next week I should have my SHG. Then around the end of next week or next weekend or so I’ll have the second u/s, and they’ll give me my HCG with an instruction of when to take it. Or else I’ll need another u/s before that, we’ll see. And then we go in for the big IUI.

I’m really excited and nervous. I don’t know if we get to do a blood test or anything before the 2ww is over, and even if we would, we might be in Italy by then, so I don’t know what will happen as far as determining the results. I know I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t work, which is too bad. I wish I could be a bit more realistic and less emotional. Ah well, that’s what L is for.

And now craziness sets in as well

I have NO reason to think I'm pregnant, considering we haven't had sex since (I think) January 2, which was CD 9, which is REALLY early when you consider that O should be around CD 13-14, and I’ve recently wondered whether I O a bit late (based on my OPKs). So – almost impossible this month, right?

But then we went in for our RE consult on January 6, which is CD 13, and I swear she said it looked like I just ovulated or would ovulate possibly that day.

So really, there’s a tiny possibility. Which I had been completely discounting.

But now my boobs are SORE. And have been for several days. I mean, how early do you get sore boobs?

OK, it’s Friday. I expect spotting Monday or Tuesday and AF Wednesday or Thursday. And it’s a win-win situation – no AF means HPT, AF means call RE and start scheduling away!

So I guess I should be happy! And I sort of am! I just feel a bit weird about it all.

Probably won’t post until I get spotting. But fingers will be crossed.


Update at 11:50 (after scarfing my lunch much earlier than planned): Now I'm totally convinced I'm pg and am restraining myself from going to get a HPT. I swear if no spotting by Tuesday, I will do it then. I can totally hold out 4-5 days.

Impatience sets in again

Argh! I was so calm and cool and collected and now I’m so impatient and ready to go. Damn!

It’s probably because I’m looking at a long, stressful day ahead of me today, so I turn my mind to more pleasant things.

Still, it’s already Thursday, and I’m looking forward to a nice weekend of skiing and biking and cleaning my house (which desperately needs it). I might get super-serious about cleaning out closets. I can’t stand how cluttered they are, we could use a bit of extra space, and who knows? Maybe we’ll eventually have a baby and need some space for baby stuff.

OK, now I know I need to get a grip.

Anyway, Monday is a holiday for me (yay state jobs), and Tuesday I should at least be spotting, if not already on Monday. So yay! Hooray!!!!! In no more than 5 days I'll get some sign (I hope), and in 6-7 days, we’ll be on our way. Wheee!

A man, a plan, a canal, another week to go

It’s true that having a plan makes me feel much better. I’m mostly writing now to pass the time. I have zero expectations that I am pregnant, mostly because our timing was not very close at all this month. I’m in a hurry to end the “2ww” because I want AF to come. I’ve never looked forward to it so much. Whenever it arrives, I can start scheduling the appointments for my IUI. I can start taking my medications. I can start DOING something.

Only about a week to go! Hooray! After a year of this, you’d think I’d have learned patience, but it seems to be getting worse. Next week will be insanely busy, but unfortunately this week is passing really slowly.

Expect more updates.

OK. Here’s the plan. Again.

We’re going to push our trip to Italy back by a week, probably leaving on February 12 and staying about two weeks.

I expect AF on January 21 or 22. So I would have my first u/s sometime between January 21 and 26, more or less. Then, either at the same time or soon thereafter, I will have my saline contrast sonogram. Then I take the Clomid. Then I have my second u/s, and hopefully they can tell what’s going on. And then we decide what day to do the IUI, and they give me a shot to give myself (I think) to trigger O. Then L delivers his sample and I go in for the IUI.

In a nutshell.

And somewhere in all of that L gets his infectious disease testing. And the boy does not like needles. Great.

But! Hey! In about week we should be getting started! How’s that for ya?

Tech talk

Both L and I were happy with the consult with the RE last week. She was friendly, really nice, funny, and understanding. Best of all, she gave us an up-front assessment of our costs. She suggested IUI, which is, I’m sure, their usual first-line approach with just about everyone. Also, since they’re an infertility clinic and specialize in these things, I’m guessing they don’t waste a lot of time messing around with waiting and seeing.

Since we’re planning to go to Italy soon, theoretically sometime during one of our next two cycles, one of those cycles won’t be available for an IUI. Theoretically again, they’re both available for Clomid, and the one cycle where we’re here for the entire first two weeks would be available for IUI (with Clomid). I think the big question for us now is to decide whether we want to do an IUI yet, or just stick with Clomid until we’re back from Italy (which would put IUI around mid-March, with two Clomid-only cycles first). And if we do an IUI sooner, we have to decide which cycle we want to do and adjust our plans for Italy accordingly. Trouble is, we really need to buy our plane tickets soon.

The problem I’m having is I still keep thinking that next month is the month when it’ll work and I’m getting myself all worked up about nothing and I’ll look back and laugh at myself for being so paranoid. ARGH! I hate that!

Anyway, apparently an IUI cycle is around $1000. We do have to do some tests first. They want me to so an SHG (they quoted us, I think around $350), L has to do some disease testing because he would be considered an organ donor in California (?!?!?!), and I would have to do genetic testing. They also suggest doing another SA on L, but said that they can do it at the same time as the IUI. All of that will add up to between $1000 and $2000, I think. So we’re looking at $2000-$3000 for testing and one IUI cycle.

Well, that’s enough tech talk. The other good news is I had a fairly relaxing, not-too-stressful weekend in San Diego. That’s awesome. I came home incredibly tired and fell asleep on the couch watching TV after dinner, but at least I was completely stressed out. I need some more days like that.

Totally calm

I swear, I am calm, collected, cool as a cucumber. It’s crazy. I’m enjoying this month off, which is why I’m not really writing here. I’m considering this a month of not trying, not preventing (NTNP, right?). I’m still sort of trying in the back of my mind – I mean, I don’t want to completely wash my hands of this cycle. In the sense that I am aware in the back of my mind that I should ovulate sometime this week or weekend, so I am definitely going to do my best at BMS this week, but only because I feel like it. No OPKs, no checking my calendar, etc.

And instead of even thinking of a HPT, I’m looking forward to AF because then I can start counting CDs until CD3, when I get to take Clomid. Yay! I think my first day of Clomid should be around January 24. Although that’s just approximate.

Anyway, just to stay updated on other things, we cancelled the SHG yesterday. We have our consult with the RE today. We’ll see what she thinks of the SHG and the Clomid based on our records, which hopefully have come over from the OBGYN. I haven’t done a thing about our hospital bills (sigh). I REALLY should.

So that’s where we are. Consult today, theoretically medication in just a few weeks (!!!!), and then we’ll see. How awesome to be actually doing stuff.