I'm going to sound like a jerk in this post, and so I apologize in advance. Seriously - I'm sorry. Because I'm about to complain. If you will be annoyed by complaining, just click away now.
I've read a lot of things about women who loved being pregnant and wish they could always be pregnant. I hoped that would be me. In fact, I STILL hope that will be me. Maybe second trimester?
Because the truth is, up until now, I hate being pregnant. I feel so sick, almost all the time. The week of repreive I had was wonderful, but the morning sickness is back. And on top of it, I'm completely exhausted. I sleep 9-10 hours a night and could easily stay in bed for a few more hours if I didn't have to get up to go to work.
I don't have a life anymore - I spend all day at work feeling queasy and trying to get something done while wishing the clock would move faster. I get home and try to get a few things done around the house before dinner, and then I try to relax a bit before crawling into bed and passing out. Doing even basic, easy chores has become a monumental task that I can barely do, and my apartment looks terrible. Luckily we're leaving for Italy for Christmas soon, so I don't really need to do any grocery shopping.
I miss my energy and wish it would come back. I haven't done any of my physical therapy for my knee in weeks. I barely remember what my bike looks like. I've been given permission to start jogging again, but ha! I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.
Of course, none of this matters. All that matters is that my babies stay healthy and inside for another 30 weeks at least. I know this is true. But sometimes I wish I could have it a little easier along the way.
Showing posts with label pity party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pity party. Show all posts
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Struggling
I am hating my job right now. I'm bored out of my MIND. I hate paperwork and bureaucracy, and that's all I do. Worse, I am enforcing regulations that I think are not good policy. I don't like being part of the system.
I've stuck with this job for two years because 1) I kept thinking I'd be a SAHM by now; 2) my boss has been pretty cool with all the time I take off for If appointments, surgery, and trips to Italy; 3) the pay is pretty good; 4) I like the people I work with - most of the time, anyway; 5) I've never worked at a job longer than a year and a half and I wanted something longer-term on my resume.
But this job has no future growth for me. The promotion I have been eligible for since May is being held up due to paperwork issues, and there is no end in sight, while most of my peers have been promoted ahead of me. I've been ttc for almost TWO YEARS with no success. If IUI #4 doesn't work, we don't move onto our next IVF cycle until January/February. I will be stuck here another year at the very least.
I'm feeling down and depressed and unmotivated and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm looking into maybe teaching English as a second language. Right now I'm looking at sitting in a cube until I retire, and I think I need something more exciting to work for. Some sort of goal that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Something that helps me get up each morning looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it.
I'm also giving more serious thought to adoption. I don't know if I can keep going through this shitty emotional roller coaster.
My POAS dreams have already started. I wish they'd stop. I only have eight days to go, and I need a little peace of mind.
I've stuck with this job for two years because 1) I kept thinking I'd be a SAHM by now; 2) my boss has been pretty cool with all the time I take off for If appointments, surgery, and trips to Italy; 3) the pay is pretty good; 4) I like the people I work with - most of the time, anyway; 5) I've never worked at a job longer than a year and a half and I wanted something longer-term on my resume.
But this job has no future growth for me. The promotion I have been eligible for since May is being held up due to paperwork issues, and there is no end in sight, while most of my peers have been promoted ahead of me. I've been ttc for almost TWO YEARS with no success. If IUI #4 doesn't work, we don't move onto our next IVF cycle until January/February. I will be stuck here another year at the very least.
I'm feeling down and depressed and unmotivated and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm looking into maybe teaching English as a second language. Right now I'm looking at sitting in a cube until I retire, and I think I need something more exciting to work for. Some sort of goal that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Something that helps me get up each morning looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it.
I'm also giving more serious thought to adoption. I don't know if I can keep going through this shitty emotional roller coaster.
My POAS dreams have already started. I wish they'd stop. I only have eight days to go, and I need a little peace of mind.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
miscellaneous
Dentist appointment yesterday. Funny how EVERYTHING reminds me of infertility somehow. I remember going to the dentist in July 2008 (I had to look that up) and deciding to get my x-rays done then because in 6 months I'd be pregnant. I even TOLD the hygeinist that. Sheesh, what an idiot I was.
The somewhat close friends I have, who are pregnant, are at the hospital right now, becoming parents. I have such mixed feelings about it. I'm happy that at least some of my friends are having kids (most of my closer friends aren't even considering yet, and I want to shake them and tell them how foolish it is to wait when they don't know if they're even fertile). I'm happy for them, especially because they seem so excited. I'm curious to find out whether they're having a boy or a girl (they didn't find out), and what names they've picked out (they won't share).
I'm also so sad for me. They started trying almost a YEAR after we did, and their baby will probably be born today. We're still months away from even getting started. Their journey from ttc to baby was less than a year. Ours will be, at the very least, almost three years. If we're lucky. Their journey was practically free. Ours will cost tens of thousands of dollars.
I'm so sad about all of that.
On the other hand - I'm also realizing that time is sort of flying. I'm supposed to call the IF clinic in September when AF arrives so I can start birth control, but I'm expecting it around August 30 (and then again around September 27 - does anyone know if I should wait until then?). I'm supposed to start Lupron around October 14, stims around October 21. So only two months to go until I'm in the thick of it.
And only two weeks to go until knee surgery. Which will probably take my mind off things for a while anyway.
And only forty minutes until I get to leave work for the day. Thank goodness for small miracles.
The somewhat close friends I have, who are pregnant, are at the hospital right now, becoming parents. I have such mixed feelings about it. I'm happy that at least some of my friends are having kids (most of my closer friends aren't even considering yet, and I want to shake them and tell them how foolish it is to wait when they don't know if they're even fertile). I'm happy for them, especially because they seem so excited. I'm curious to find out whether they're having a boy or a girl (they didn't find out), and what names they've picked out (they won't share).
I'm also so sad for me. They started trying almost a YEAR after we did, and their baby will probably be born today. We're still months away from even getting started. Their journey from ttc to baby was less than a year. Ours will be, at the very least, almost three years. If we're lucky. Their journey was practically free. Ours will cost tens of thousands of dollars.
I'm so sad about all of that.
On the other hand - I'm also realizing that time is sort of flying. I'm supposed to call the IF clinic in September when AF arrives so I can start birth control, but I'm expecting it around August 30 (and then again around September 27 - does anyone know if I should wait until then?). I'm supposed to start Lupron around October 14, stims around October 21. So only two months to go until I'm in the thick of it.
And only two weeks to go until knee surgery. Which will probably take my mind off things for a while anyway.
And only forty minutes until I get to leave work for the day. Thank goodness for small miracles.
Monday, July 6, 2009
What to do next?
I had a pretty good weekend in Tahoe, but I can promise you, I will never go to Tahoe on the 4th of July every again! Traffic was terrible - I spent over 7 hours in my car for an overnight camping trip. It was fun hanging out with my friends and meeting new friends, but I really missed my husband and wished I was with him. I also spent a good 20 minutes in the car on the way up, bawling. I was hoping I wouldn't get pulled over and the cop would think I was crying to get out of a ticket.
I haven't had time to catch up on blogs and comments yet, but I will within a day or two.
In the meantime, reality is setting in rather slowly. It's been a good, solid year and a half of ttc, with tons of testing, a diagnosis of "unexplained", 3 IUIs, and one medicated DIY cycle. It's time to admit that we just can't do this on our own, and we need a nice friendly doctor to introduce our sperm and eggs to each other, and perhaps force them to get along.
As with all things in life, though, it's just never that simple. I have a job I don't like, and which I now know I will be at for another year at least. I have a knee that is going to need surgery sooner or later. I'm about to turn 31, which is not terribly old in terms of ttc, but it's older than I hoped to start having children in my vague life plan. I have a vacation to Alaska coming up, a triathlon to do, and a husband to send off to Germany for a conference in September. Most of all, I have a yearning in my heart to have a baby, just get on with this and get to where I want to go, to stop all this delaying and messing around and really get serious about it.
So here I am.
Plan A - go to Alaska in August, send the husband to Germany in September, have my knee surgery in October, and start IVF ASAP after that, probably end of October or first half of November. Earliest possible date of 9 months after IVF would be approximately July 2010 - one year from now. Possibly look for another job, but with surgery, IVF, and a two-week Christmas vacation in the works, who would hire me?
Plan B - still working on it. Go to Alaska in August. Send husband to Germany in September. Try to squeeze in a round of IVF between August 10 and late September (is this possible?). Forget about triathlons after July (no problem), postpone knee surgery until another year, but still plan to go to Italy for Christmas.
There are so many variables that it's impossible to figure out.
Insurance - does not cover anything IF-related, but will cover knee surgery 100% because we've met our deductable this year. If we put it off another year, we might have to pay thousands of dollars for knee surgery.
Timing - I don't know enough about IVF to know if the timing will work out this summer, between our vacation and my husband leaving for the conference. If we have to wait until after his trip, I feel like I might as well wait another month and have knee surgery. If we don't have to wait until after his trip, then I might want to just get started right away.
PIO - I'm terrified of it. Not so much that I won't do IVF, but enough to make me dread it.
My job - I hate it, but I don't think I'm going to have an option to change with all this going on in my life.
I will be reading about IVF in Navigating the Land of IF, but if anyone has any advice, as always, it will be gratefully accepted.
I haven't had time to catch up on blogs and comments yet, but I will within a day or two.
In the meantime, reality is setting in rather slowly. It's been a good, solid year and a half of ttc, with tons of testing, a diagnosis of "unexplained", 3 IUIs, and one medicated DIY cycle. It's time to admit that we just can't do this on our own, and we need a nice friendly doctor to introduce our sperm and eggs to each other, and perhaps force them to get along.
As with all things in life, though, it's just never that simple. I have a job I don't like, and which I now know I will be at for another year at least. I have a knee that is going to need surgery sooner or later. I'm about to turn 31, which is not terribly old in terms of ttc, but it's older than I hoped to start having children in my vague life plan. I have a vacation to Alaska coming up, a triathlon to do, and a husband to send off to Germany for a conference in September. Most of all, I have a yearning in my heart to have a baby, just get on with this and get to where I want to go, to stop all this delaying and messing around and really get serious about it.
So here I am.
Plan A - go to Alaska in August, send the husband to Germany in September, have my knee surgery in October, and start IVF ASAP after that, probably end of October or first half of November. Earliest possible date of 9 months after IVF would be approximately July 2010 - one year from now. Possibly look for another job, but with surgery, IVF, and a two-week Christmas vacation in the works, who would hire me?
Plan B - still working on it. Go to Alaska in August. Send husband to Germany in September. Try to squeeze in a round of IVF between August 10 and late September (is this possible?). Forget about triathlons after July (no problem), postpone knee surgery until another year, but still plan to go to Italy for Christmas.
There are so many variables that it's impossible to figure out.
Insurance - does not cover anything IF-related, but will cover knee surgery 100% because we've met our deductable this year. If we put it off another year, we might have to pay thousands of dollars for knee surgery.
Timing - I don't know enough about IVF to know if the timing will work out this summer, between our vacation and my husband leaving for the conference. If we have to wait until after his trip, I feel like I might as well wait another month and have knee surgery. If we don't have to wait until after his trip, then I might want to just get started right away.
PIO - I'm terrified of it. Not so much that I won't do IVF, but enough to make me dread it.
My job - I hate it, but I don't think I'm going to have an option to change with all this going on in my life.
I will be reading about IVF in Navigating the Land of IF, but if anyone has any advice, as always, it will be gratefully accepted.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Happy Anniversary to me!
Tomorrow is my anniversary! My husband and I got married two years ago, on a beautiful sunny day in my mother's backyard, my dream wedding. More importantly, I married the best, sweetest guy in the world and I'm so happy that we are still hopelessly in love, 5 years after we met and 2 years after we got married.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
What are your plans for Sunday?
I'm curious to know what others usually do and will be doing this year for M____ Day. Besides participating in OMG You Rock! Day of course.
Here's my situation. I don't really feel like I can get out of celebrating because I still have a mother, even if I so far haven't managed to become one. My sister, mother, and I are going to the cemetery to see my dad's grave, then we're going wine-tasting (my participation will depend on my HPT that morning, of course), and then to my mom's house to make her dinner (which she won't be happy about because she prefers to be taken out to expensive dinners, but my sister can't afford it).
(Just for some background and reference, I don't get along well with my mother. She is demanding, manipulative, controlling, and insincere, and she would be incredibly offended if I didn't plan a huge day with her on Sunday, despite my current condition. She also treats my SIL terribly because she believes my brother "married below his class and status"(!) So if I sound snide when discussing her, it's usually because she deserves it.)
I don't know if my brother, his wife, and their two kids will participate in any part of the day with us or not (even though they live a few blocks away from my mom). My family is a bit disfunctional, obviously.
On Saturday morning before M_______ Day, I usually go to the Farmer's Market and buy two bouquets of flowers - one for my dad at the cemetery, and one for my mom. I honestly don't remember if I've ever gotten anything for my SIL, but I'm guessing I have. However, I'm feeling particularly bitter about it this year. Not bitter towards her personally, just bitter about the fact that they're pretty much done family-building at the tender ages of 22 and 28, and I can't seem to even get to the starting gate. I don't really see why I should have to get her flowers. But I don't want to look like a b!tch.
So my questions are - What do you do for M_________ Day? Do you celebrate with your mother (if your mother is still alive)? Do you celebrate with other women in your life (i.e. sisters and/or friends) who are mothers? If you celebrate with multiple family members, do you honor them all, or just your own mother? Or do you avoid it all entirely (and if so, does your mother understand or does she feel slighted)?
Here's my situation. I don't really feel like I can get out of celebrating because I still have a mother, even if I so far haven't managed to become one. My sister, mother, and I are going to the cemetery to see my dad's grave, then we're going wine-tasting (my participation will depend on my HPT that morning, of course), and then to my mom's house to make her dinner (which she won't be happy about because she prefers to be taken out to expensive dinners, but my sister can't afford it).
(Just for some background and reference, I don't get along well with my mother. She is demanding, manipulative, controlling, and insincere, and she would be incredibly offended if I didn't plan a huge day with her on Sunday, despite my current condition. She also treats my SIL terribly because she believes my brother "married below his class and status"(!) So if I sound snide when discussing her, it's usually because she deserves it.)
I don't know if my brother, his wife, and their two kids will participate in any part of the day with us or not (even though they live a few blocks away from my mom). My family is a bit disfunctional, obviously.
On Saturday morning before M_______ Day, I usually go to the Farmer's Market and buy two bouquets of flowers - one for my dad at the cemetery, and one for my mom. I honestly don't remember if I've ever gotten anything for my SIL, but I'm guessing I have. However, I'm feeling particularly bitter about it this year. Not bitter towards her personally, just bitter about the fact that they're pretty much done family-building at the tender ages of 22 and 28, and I can't seem to even get to the starting gate. I don't really see why I should have to get her flowers. But I don't want to look like a b!tch.
So my questions are - What do you do for M_________ Day? Do you celebrate with your mother (if your mother is still alive)? Do you celebrate with other women in your life (i.e. sisters and/or friends) who are mothers? If you celebrate with multiple family members, do you honor them all, or just your own mother? Or do you avoid it all entirely (and if so, does your mother understand or does she feel slighted)?
Friday, April 24, 2009
ICLW failure
I suck. I've been having a hard week and have not managed to leave enough comments for ICLW, although I'm hoping to make up for it by the end of the weekend.
Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.
Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.
I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.
So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.
Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.
Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.
I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.
So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thanks
I was a bit surprised and touched to see the responses to my last post. I was very tired and feeling overdramatic and moody and weepy. I had a good cry and felt a bit ridiculous for myself, and also annoyed at my own self-pity. I've seen so many other IF-ers going through SO much more than I am, and I know I'm still at the beginning of the road.
So on Saturday morning after my post, my husband got up and we went for a long bike ride through a beautiful green valley with wildflowers everywhere and my spirits lifted a lot. The rest of the weekend went well.
I'm not having a beta. I guess my clinic doesn't do that for an IUI? Or unless you get a positive on a HPT? I don't know why. I had negative HPTs yesterday and today, but no AF, likely because of the progesterone.
I called the clinic this morning and was told to stop the progesterone and wait for AF. If it doesn't arrive by Friday, I'm to take another HPT and call with the results. Even though I know that this cycle is over, I'm not going to stick a BFN over there on the sidebar until AF arrives. I want it to be official. It is a little sobering to realize, as another blogger mentioned (and I'm sorry, I don't remember who), that I will not be having a baby in 2009.
So that's that. Although I did know that progesterone can delay AF, for some reason I didn't make the connection that it would therefore delay my next IUI attempt. I'm a little bit bummed about that. Impatience is the name of the game for me.
Congrats to those of you who got BFPs in the last week!
P.S. If anyone has experience with progesterone and delayed AF, I'd love your insight.
So on Saturday morning after my post, my husband got up and we went for a long bike ride through a beautiful green valley with wildflowers everywhere and my spirits lifted a lot. The rest of the weekend went well.
I'm not having a beta. I guess my clinic doesn't do that for an IUI? Or unless you get a positive on a HPT? I don't know why. I had negative HPTs yesterday and today, but no AF, likely because of the progesterone.
I called the clinic this morning and was told to stop the progesterone and wait for AF. If it doesn't arrive by Friday, I'm to take another HPT and call with the results. Even though I know that this cycle is over, I'm not going to stick a BFN over there on the sidebar until AF arrives. I want it to be official. It is a little sobering to realize, as another blogger mentioned (and I'm sorry, I don't remember who), that I will not be having a baby in 2009.
So that's that. Although I did know that progesterone can delay AF, for some reason I didn't make the connection that it would therefore delay my next IUI attempt. I'm a little bit bummed about that. Impatience is the name of the game for me.
Congrats to those of you who got BFPs in the last week!
P.S. If anyone has experience with progesterone and delayed AF, I'd love your insight.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
IUI #1 - BFN
I peed on a stick, even though I saw some faint blood this morning. We wanted to be sure. Are the digital sticks really better? Is it such a great thing to see "Not Pregnant" spelled out like that? I don't really know.
Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.
I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.
Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.
I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.
I don't want to be sad on my vacation.
I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.
Fuck all of this.
Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.
I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.
Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.
I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.
I don't want to be sad on my vacation.
I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.
Fuck all of this.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friends
Serious pity party today. Poor me. Some married friends came over last night, ostensibly to see us before we left for Italy. In reality, it turned out, they wanted to tell us in person about their pregnancy because they would be announcing it at a party they are throwing next weekend, when we won’t be here.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so happy for them. They are good friends, nice people, and definitely deserve every little bit of happiness. They have no idea that we’ve been trying, or how long we’ve been trying, or that we’ve been through months of testing, or that we’re being treated for infertility.
They’ve asked us when we’re going to have kids, in a gentle, joking sort of way that is usually easy to brush off, but with the news from them last night is much harder. They’ll have a baby in 6 months. Where will we be in 6 months? I just don’t know.
I already had one friend confide in me, around the time we started trying, that she and her husband lost their first pregnancy due to the discovery of a polyp on her ovary. Since then, she’s had surgery, gotten pregnant, and just delivered her son. I was sure at first that we would share the pregnancy experience, and it would bring us closer together, because God knows I need some good friends in my little town. Then after a while I thought, well, at least I won’t be too far behind, and we can still share the experience of being new mothers. Now she has gone far ahead of me, and I don’t know if I can catch up. I told her at the beginning that we were trying, too. After a while, she stopped asking for news. I’m sure she’s busy with her newborn, but I wish she would, once in a while, think of me.
It’s true, actually, that even amongst the pregnancy announcements flying around, one friend has apparently been ttc since sometime last summer (I heard this second- or third-hand). I wonder if I should break down my wall of silence and reach out to her. If sharing this experience could help us both. But then I fear that for them it will just be a fluke (after all, they’re well under a year of ttc, and for all I know could be pregnant now), and I will have shown some serious vulnerability, and they’ll be pregnant.
I think maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself in order to try to prevent myself from being too hopeful, as a way of self-protection, self-preservation. Despite everything, I still can’t help hoping that this month is it. We’ve got EVERYTHING going for us, after all. But as I’m quickly learning in this incredibly unfair experience, that probably doesn’t matter at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so happy for them. They are good friends, nice people, and definitely deserve every little bit of happiness. They have no idea that we’ve been trying, or how long we’ve been trying, or that we’ve been through months of testing, or that we’re being treated for infertility.
They’ve asked us when we’re going to have kids, in a gentle, joking sort of way that is usually easy to brush off, but with the news from them last night is much harder. They’ll have a baby in 6 months. Where will we be in 6 months? I just don’t know.
I already had one friend confide in me, around the time we started trying, that she and her husband lost their first pregnancy due to the discovery of a polyp on her ovary. Since then, she’s had surgery, gotten pregnant, and just delivered her son. I was sure at first that we would share the pregnancy experience, and it would bring us closer together, because God knows I need some good friends in my little town. Then after a while I thought, well, at least I won’t be too far behind, and we can still share the experience of being new mothers. Now she has gone far ahead of me, and I don’t know if I can catch up. I told her at the beginning that we were trying, too. After a while, she stopped asking for news. I’m sure she’s busy with her newborn, but I wish she would, once in a while, think of me.
It’s true, actually, that even amongst the pregnancy announcements flying around, one friend has apparently been ttc since sometime last summer (I heard this second- or third-hand). I wonder if I should break down my wall of silence and reach out to her. If sharing this experience could help us both. But then I fear that for them it will just be a fluke (after all, they’re well under a year of ttc, and for all I know could be pregnant now), and I will have shown some serious vulnerability, and they’ll be pregnant.
I think maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself in order to try to prevent myself from being too hopeful, as a way of self-protection, self-preservation. Despite everything, I still can’t help hoping that this month is it. We’ve got EVERYTHING going for us, after all. But as I’m quickly learning in this incredibly unfair experience, that probably doesn’t matter at all.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Holy freakout batman
I am completely freaked out about the HCG injection now. I got my package from the pharmacy yesterday. At first I almost had a heart attack when I saw the needles - I wouldn't call them huge, but they were much bigger than I expected. Then I read the instructions and realized that the other needles were much smaller, and those were for the actual injection. The bigger needles are for getting the medicine into the syringe.
But reading the instructions scared me a bit because I discovered that it is an intramuscular injection, not subcutaneous. So I went to Stirrup Queens and read about intramuscular injections, and completely freaked out. I'm still freaked out. And I have at least 3-4 days until I even have to do the injection. Now I'm waiting for Monday with a mix of excitement and total dread.
L told me a story about how his grandmother had to give him a series of injections when he was a kid, and he hated it too. And how one time she was on vacation at the sea, so they went to spend the weekend there so she could give him his injection, and instead of enjoying the trip, he thought about the injection the whole time. I think he was trying to tell me not to spoil my whole weekend, but also that he understood. He's such a sweet boy.
But I'm still freaked out.
I cried last night, both at the unfairness of it all and because we might have to cancel our trip to Italy because of some of L's asshole employees (and probably because of the Clomid, too). And I thought about what a big baby I am, when other people (but eventually maybe me, oh God) have to give themselves these types of injections daily or even more than once a day, and I'm freaking out about a one-time deal. Except maybe it won't end up being a one-time deal. Now I'm freaking out that maybe this IUI won't work the first time (and the odds say "no"), and I'll have to go through all of this again, and then maybe again, and then maybe move onto something even worse. And I know, one step at a time and all that, but seriously. It feels much more real now.
So excuse me while I throw myself a serious pity party.
But reading the instructions scared me a bit because I discovered that it is an intramuscular injection, not subcutaneous. So I went to Stirrup Queens and read about intramuscular injections, and completely freaked out. I'm still freaked out. And I have at least 3-4 days until I even have to do the injection. Now I'm waiting for Monday with a mix of excitement and total dread.
L told me a story about how his grandmother had to give him a series of injections when he was a kid, and he hated it too. And how one time she was on vacation at the sea, so they went to spend the weekend there so she could give him his injection, and instead of enjoying the trip, he thought about the injection the whole time. I think he was trying to tell me not to spoil my whole weekend, but also that he understood. He's such a sweet boy.
But I'm still freaked out.
I cried last night, both at the unfairness of it all and because we might have to cancel our trip to Italy because of some of L's asshole employees (and probably because of the Clomid, too). And I thought about what a big baby I am, when other people (but eventually maybe me, oh God) have to give themselves these types of injections daily or even more than once a day, and I'm freaking out about a one-time deal. Except maybe it won't end up being a one-time deal. Now I'm freaking out that maybe this IUI won't work the first time (and the odds say "no"), and I'll have to go through all of this again, and then maybe again, and then maybe move onto something even worse. And I know, one step at a time and all that, but seriously. It feels much more real now.
So excuse me while I throw myself a serious pity party.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Surely it will happen this month ...
I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but now I’ve seen it on so many other IF blogs that I want to address it again. The constant feeling that it will happen this month, so going to the OBGYN or doing some infertility tests or looking up an RE is a waste of good time and money.
Cycle is such an appropriate word, because it does feel like an endless cycle and despite the obvious starting and ending point, there never seems to be an obvious STOPPING point, where you stop and say, wait! It’s definitely time, I was sure yesterday wasn’t it, and today I’m sure.
I mean, CD1 means that it’s a new cycle, so maybe this cycle could be the one! It’s less than two weeks until I get to try again! I can hold out two weeks!
And then in two weeks, it’s only two more weeks until I find out for sure if it worked this month (which it surely did), and if I can’t be patient for two whole weeks, then am I really mature enough to have a child?!
What will everyone think if I go to see an infertility specialist and then I turn up pregnant that month? What will the doctor think? EVERYONE will think I am overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. I’ll feel ridiculous. Better just to wait the two weeks and see what happens.
AF.
Damn.
But hey! It’s only two weeks until we get try to again.
P.S. Now that I've actually started treatment, I'm of course thinking that surely, it will happen this month. I mean, no diagnosed problems, 100 mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, HCG, AND IUI. What in the world could go wrong? (<-- sarcasm)
Cycle is such an appropriate word, because it does feel like an endless cycle and despite the obvious starting and ending point, there never seems to be an obvious STOPPING point, where you stop and say, wait! It’s definitely time, I was sure yesterday wasn’t it, and today I’m sure.
I mean, CD1 means that it’s a new cycle, so maybe this cycle could be the one! It’s less than two weeks until I get to try again! I can hold out two weeks!
And then in two weeks, it’s only two more weeks until I find out for sure if it worked this month (which it surely did), and if I can’t be patient for two whole weeks, then am I really mature enough to have a child?!
What will everyone think if I go to see an infertility specialist and then I turn up pregnant that month? What will the doctor think? EVERYONE will think I am overreacting and making mountains out of molehills. I’ll feel ridiculous. Better just to wait the two weeks and see what happens.
AF.
Damn.
But hey! It’s only two weeks until we get try to again.
P.S. Now that I've actually started treatment, I'm of course thinking that surely, it will happen this month. I mean, no diagnosed problems, 100 mg of Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, HCG, AND IUI. What in the world could go wrong? (<-- sarcasm)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Our first treatment cycle starts - but first, I'm completely crazy
I’m really ashamed to admit how bad things got, and how crazy I’ve been.
I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.
Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.
OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.
Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.
Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.
5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!
So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.
I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.
I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).
L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.
Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.
I’m infertile.
I went running yesterday and had some bad cramps afterward, so I knew I was getting my period. Still, the cramps went away after I cooled down, and we went home and I checked and I had a tiny, tiny amount of blood, spotting again. Of course.
Fast forward to 4:30 this morning. And then rewind to 4-5am of the last few days. Me. Wide awake. Ugh. Previously, I was able to go back to sleep after tossing and turning a bit. Not today. I lay there thinking about how I felt ok. Didn’t have cramps.
OMG, I thought. My period hasn’t come! Even though today was really the earliest day possible, so it could still arrive at any time (and 4:30am was probably the earliest TIME possible during the earliest day). And um, HELLO idiot, I’ve been spotting for the last two days and having cramps. But what about the sore boobs?! I lay awake in bed at 4:45 arguing with myself. I wasn’t very rational.
Some of it was about money, and putting my husband through the infectious disease testing he had to do before we can start our IUI, which he was going to do this morning. I mean, what if I was pg? What a waste of money and time that would be, and what a pain for him.
Why, oh why, didn’t I buy a pg test? I mean, besides not wanting to jinx myself, of course. I could have just slipped out of bed, taken it, and known.
5am. Still can’t sleep. I’m making myself CRAZY. I decide it’s best to just get up and check things out. What could that hurt. But I don’t want to waste my FMU just in case. OK, I’ll check to see if AF has arrived, then pee in a cup. It hasn’t!!!! OMG!!!!!
So I pee in a cup, turn on the computer, and look up Rite Aid. WHAT?! It doesn’t open until 8AM? Whose stupid idea is that? But Safeway is open 24 hours. I toss on a sweater, socks, and shoes, and race to Safeway (but end up at Longs since it’s open 24 hours too). Buy a HPT. Race home. Shut myself in the bathroom (keep in mind it is now around 5:30-5:40). Stick the thing in my pee, and wait. This is a fast response test, you’re supposed to know in a minute (although you have to wait for three for final results). The control line shows up immediately. Nothing else does.
I go back to bed at 5:45 and don’t sleep until my alarm goes off at 6:20. L holds me, and I’m so, so happy to feel him against me, his arms around me. I know I’m so lucky.
I get up at 6:30, double check the test (nothing, of course), see that AF is finally showing her face (where was she two hours ago?!?!).
L got his testing done. I made my appointments. First u/s is Friday at 9:30. SHG is Tuesday at 11. We’ll schedule the second u/s at that point.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
Today is an important day, because a new cycle has started. And Friday, treatment starts. So it’s a good thing, a milestone.
Also, I can totally, definitively say that we’re infertile. It’s definitely been over a year. No more fudging with dates, and worrying about whether it was the end of December or beginning of January.
I’m infertile.
Monday, December 29, 2008
I'm stupid
MORNING: Had spotting the same day as my last post (last Tuesday). AF arrived on Christmas Thursday (Merry Christmas everyone!). Depression didn't really set in right away. It was all the friends I spoke with whose sisters, sisters-in-law, other relatives, and friends are pregnant or have new babies that started to get to me. The conversation veers dangerously toward topics that I fervently don’t want to discuss among friends, and I wonder how often it used to do that and I was blissfully unaware.
I spoke with a neighbor (whose name I forget because I suck like that). He and his wife had a baby girl, born in October at 28 weeks. She just came home from the hospital. I didn’t even know about it. I wonder about their story, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know.
We got ANOTHER bill for the HSG, this one from the radiology lab. $1600. HOLY FREAKING CRAP. L and I are both pissed, and I can’t help feeling that he feels like this is somehow my fault. It makes me cry to think about it. Also, it is apparently my job to somehow fix the problem, and I don't know how. I guess I'll be a double failure. An expensive double failure.
We’re going to the Davis Infertility Clinic for a consultation. Next Tuesday, January 6. I’m cancelling the SHG. The doctor is supposed to call me today anyway, but I don’t know if she will. Either way, I’m calling to cancel. I’ve already started filling out the forms for the clinic. I’m actually kind of excited. It’s the only thing keeping me from not crying right now. I wish we had just gone with them earlier.
AFTERNOON: Argh, things just get more and more complicated. The doctor called, and was amazed at how much the HSG had cost. She told me I should call and argue about it. I’m tired of this.
She also said she was willing to just prescribe Clomid for me. I asked about the SHG, and was told that it would cost between $200 and $600, and the doctor’s visit would be $100-$300, so the total would be $300-$900. I think it might be too late to do Clomid this cycle. I’m also worried that it will be too late for the SHG, since it will be CD 12. Which seems a bit late.
I’m now waiting for her to call me back so I can ask about all these questions.
On a side note, I posted a question on an IF blog which has a weekly QandA with an RE. He said that they might check for a luteal phase defect, meaning the period between O and AF is too short, which could be evidenced from my spotting. The spotting could also be a polyp. Ugh. Anyway, there are two ways to treat a LPD (or so I’ve found in my 5 minutes of web-searching) – Clomid and progesterone. Clomid is also commonly prescribed for unexplained IF. So maybe it’s the way to go anyway.
Will try to update again if/when the doctor calls me back.
I spoke with a neighbor (whose name I forget because I suck like that). He and his wife had a baby girl, born in October at 28 weeks. She just came home from the hospital. I didn’t even know about it. I wonder about their story, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know.
We got ANOTHER bill for the HSG, this one from the radiology lab. $1600. HOLY FREAKING CRAP. L and I are both pissed, and I can’t help feeling that he feels like this is somehow my fault. It makes me cry to think about it. Also, it is apparently my job to somehow fix the problem, and I don't know how. I guess I'll be a double failure. An expensive double failure.
We’re going to the Davis Infertility Clinic for a consultation. Next Tuesday, January 6. I’m cancelling the SHG. The doctor is supposed to call me today anyway, but I don’t know if she will. Either way, I’m calling to cancel. I’ve already started filling out the forms for the clinic. I’m actually kind of excited. It’s the only thing keeping me from not crying right now. I wish we had just gone with them earlier.
AFTERNOON: Argh, things just get more and more complicated. The doctor called, and was amazed at how much the HSG had cost. She told me I should call and argue about it. I’m tired of this.
She also said she was willing to just prescribe Clomid for me. I asked about the SHG, and was told that it would cost between $200 and $600, and the doctor’s visit would be $100-$300, so the total would be $300-$900. I think it might be too late to do Clomid this cycle. I’m also worried that it will be too late for the SHG, since it will be CD 12. Which seems a bit late.
I’m now waiting for her to call me back so I can ask about all these questions.
On a side note, I posted a question on an IF blog which has a weekly QandA with an RE. He said that they might check for a luteal phase defect, meaning the period between O and AF is too short, which could be evidenced from my spotting. The spotting could also be a polyp. Ugh. Anyway, there are two ways to treat a LPD (or so I’ve found in my 5 minutes of web-searching) – Clomid and progesterone. Clomid is also commonly prescribed for unexplained IF. So maybe it’s the way to go anyway.
Will try to update again if/when the doctor calls me back.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Waiting for the second line
Waiting waiting waiting.
That’s all I’m doing, waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Pink line!
(to the tune of Rawhide)
Anyway. Where was I? Right! Waiting.
I’ve never had much patience for waiting. In general, I’d rather try to forget what I’m waiting for, only to be surprised when the day actually arrives. Like getting my grades in college – it was pure agony to wonder how well I did, hoping that my final exam went better than I thought or that my professor liked my term paper more than I did. So I would completely put it out of my mind and focus on other things. I didn’t want to spend my life being anxious and nervous and worrying about something that would not be at all affected by my constant obsession. And mostly, I was successful.
The problem with the waiting now is that I get a daily (or twice-daily) reminder, when I go pee on my sticks. Sure, maybe I can forget for a few hours until lunchtime, and then a few hours more until dinnertime, but those constant reminders draw me back into that never-ending circle of thoughts and worries.
Especially because we’re down to the wire now, almost a year of trying. Each month has brought us closer to that invisible divide between fertile and infertile, and therefore each month has weighed heavier and heavier on my mind.
And despite my efforts to relax and de-stress, we’re down to the wire in another sense, in that according to my calculations, I expect my two matching pink lines to appear this week. It somehow seems like a test, like one of those final exams or term papers, where I know I have one last chance to get things right before I get a big fat F. And that somehow makes this cycle seem so much more important, so much more critical.
Because so much is riding on this week. It's not just the outcome of this cycle, this month, that matters … the outcome of this whole year is riding on what happens this week. This is the culmination of something big, no matter how much I might want it to be small.
I got to spend time with my niece and nephew this weekend. My niece is two weeks old. If L and I had conceived soon after starting trying, we’d have a two-week-old baby right now. It’s just amazing to me every time I think of that. Every time I think that in 9 months, my brother and his wife created a child, an entire miniature human being(!), and we have nothing. The stark difference between our situations is so harshly defined, so clearly laid out in black and white before me. It’s so tactile, so obvious, so real. There definitely nothing subtle about it.
I just know that one of these days, this blog will seem so whiny, so impatient, so silly. Is that too much to ask?
P.S. Pee stick update for the weekend - I was really bad about remembering to read the stupid things, so I ended up mostly leaving them way too long. But it was all no line at all, with one having a very faint line (whenI waited over an hour to read it). I'll update after lunch today.
Update: Extremely faint line - could have imagined it. Too early still.
That’s all I’m doing, waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Pink line!
(to the tune of Rawhide)
Anyway. Where was I? Right! Waiting.
I’ve never had much patience for waiting. In general, I’d rather try to forget what I’m waiting for, only to be surprised when the day actually arrives. Like getting my grades in college – it was pure agony to wonder how well I did, hoping that my final exam went better than I thought or that my professor liked my term paper more than I did. So I would completely put it out of my mind and focus on other things. I didn’t want to spend my life being anxious and nervous and worrying about something that would not be at all affected by my constant obsession. And mostly, I was successful.
The problem with the waiting now is that I get a daily (or twice-daily) reminder, when I go pee on my sticks. Sure, maybe I can forget for a few hours until lunchtime, and then a few hours more until dinnertime, but those constant reminders draw me back into that never-ending circle of thoughts and worries.
Especially because we’re down to the wire now, almost a year of trying. Each month has brought us closer to that invisible divide between fertile and infertile, and therefore each month has weighed heavier and heavier on my mind.
And despite my efforts to relax and de-stress, we’re down to the wire in another sense, in that according to my calculations, I expect my two matching pink lines to appear this week. It somehow seems like a test, like one of those final exams or term papers, where I know I have one last chance to get things right before I get a big fat F. And that somehow makes this cycle seem so much more important, so much more critical.
Because so much is riding on this week. It's not just the outcome of this cycle, this month, that matters … the outcome of this whole year is riding on what happens this week. This is the culmination of something big, no matter how much I might want it to be small.
I got to spend time with my niece and nephew this weekend. My niece is two weeks old. If L and I had conceived soon after starting trying, we’d have a two-week-old baby right now. It’s just amazing to me every time I think of that. Every time I think that in 9 months, my brother and his wife created a child, an entire miniature human being(!), and we have nothing. The stark difference between our situations is so harshly defined, so clearly laid out in black and white before me. It’s so tactile, so obvious, so real. There definitely nothing subtle about it.
I just know that one of these days, this blog will seem so whiny, so impatient, so silly. Is that too much to ask?
P.S. Pee stick update for the weekend - I was really bad about remembering to read the stupid things, so I ended up mostly leaving them way too long. But it was all no line at all, with one having a very faint line (whenI waited over an hour to read it). I'll update after lunch today.
Update: Extremely faint line - could have imagined it. Too early still.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Stop whining!
I'm driving myself crazy these days, obsessing, being paranoid, not able to think about anything else. Part of it is work being so crazy yet boring. I haven't had much time to myself, but since work these days is so time-consuming but leaves me plenty of time with my thoughts, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to listen to myself think constantly.
I had a rather baby-ful weekend, between the pics of my new darling niece Alana, and the baby shower for a friend that I went to on Saturday. I think I’ve mentioned that I hate baby showers, for reasons not really related to my current situation.
One of my current coping mechanisms is to think about the fun things that I do right now that I couldn’t do if I were pregnant. A sort of silver lining to a cloud that is, admittedly, not all that dark yet (insert the usual “I could be pregnant right now!” thought that is inevitably going through my brain).
Whenever I have a glass of wine, I think “ha! I’m enjoying this because I’m NOT PREGNANT! Yay!” Or when I’m climbing, and thinking about how I’ll lose all the strength and skill I’ve been building up over the last few years. Except – well, that’s really about it. The two things I do on a regular basis that I shouldn’t do anymore after (if) I ever get pregnant.
Except that I probably will enjoy a sip of wine every now and then. And I’ll probably climb for the first few months, albeit carefully and not anywhere where I’ll risk falling. I’ll probably still hike, and ride my beautiful bike. I may not ski (I have no idea if that’s safe), but I don’t ski all that often anyway. I’ll certainly still swim, if it’s the right season.
But still, it’s a sort of consolation prize, to try to think of reasons to be happy with the way things are right now. Very zen, and very not me. Which is probably why I can’t really lie to myself and why I’m never fooled even when I do.
I had a rather baby-ful weekend, between the pics of my new darling niece Alana, and the baby shower for a friend that I went to on Saturday. I think I’ve mentioned that I hate baby showers, for reasons not really related to my current situation.
One of my current coping mechanisms is to think about the fun things that I do right now that I couldn’t do if I were pregnant. A sort of silver lining to a cloud that is, admittedly, not all that dark yet (insert the usual “I could be pregnant right now!” thought that is inevitably going through my brain).
Whenever I have a glass of wine, I think “ha! I’m enjoying this because I’m NOT PREGNANT! Yay!” Or when I’m climbing, and thinking about how I’ll lose all the strength and skill I’ve been building up over the last few years. Except – well, that’s really about it. The two things I do on a regular basis that I shouldn’t do anymore after (if) I ever get pregnant.
Except that I probably will enjoy a sip of wine every now and then. And I’ll probably climb for the first few months, albeit carefully and not anywhere where I’ll risk falling. I’ll probably still hike, and ride my beautiful bike. I may not ski (I have no idea if that’s safe), but I don’t ski all that often anyway. I’ll certainly still swim, if it’s the right season.
But still, it’s a sort of consolation prize, to try to think of reasons to be happy with the way things are right now. Very zen, and very not me. Which is probably why I can’t really lie to myself and why I’m never fooled even when I do.
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