Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Moving on ... sort of

OK, so the doctor’s office called me back this morning to let me know that the doctor had already put in the Clomid prescription for me, and that I should take it on CD 3-7. So way too late this cycle (today is CD 6). I’ll probably go get the prescription today, though – I’m hoping that will not only give me hope, but also get me excited about future cycles and less focused on this one.

We’ve decided to do nothing at all this cycle – besides the SHG next Monday and our consult, but those aren’t specific to THIS cycle. No POAS, no medications (obviously), no even rough timing of BMS, no 2ww, nothing. Just relax and have fun.

We’re going up to a cabin in a TINY town in the mountains for New Year’s, with a nice jetted bath tub, kitchenette, king-sized bed, and DVD player. Awesome. I’m excited. We’ll spend our days skiing, our afternoons lounging, we’ll just have fun. Then next weekend we go to San Diego for my conference (which will be anything BUT relaxing). In the meantime, and afterwards, I have a LOT of housework to do, immigration work (also somewhat stressful), and I have to finish L’s Christmas present (yikes). So I have a lot of other stuff to worry about.

So for the now the plan is SHG on Monday, consult with RE on Tuesday. Unless the SHG shows something or someone recommends against it, we’ll start with Clomid on the next cycle, which is around January 22. Which would put our BMS time right around when we leave for Italy (I wonder how that would affect the OPKs?), and our HPT time (argh, trying not to jinx myself) around when we would come back from Italy. That might be stressful.

Ok, calm down. At least I don’t feel like crying constantly. Just occasionally today.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm stupid

MORNING: Had spotting the same day as my last post (last Tuesday). AF arrived on Christmas Thursday (Merry Christmas everyone!). Depression didn't really set in right away. It was all the friends I spoke with whose sisters, sisters-in-law, other relatives, and friends are pregnant or have new babies that started to get to me. The conversation veers dangerously toward topics that I fervently don’t want to discuss among friends, and I wonder how often it used to do that and I was blissfully unaware.

I spoke with a neighbor (whose name I forget because I suck like that). He and his wife had a baby girl, born in October at 28 weeks. She just came home from the hospital. I didn’t even know about it. I wonder about their story, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know.

We got ANOTHER bill for the HSG, this one from the radiology lab. $1600. HOLY FREAKING CRAP. L and I are both pissed, and I can’t help feeling that he feels like this is somehow my fault. It makes me cry to think about it. Also, it is apparently my job to somehow fix the problem, and I don't know how. I guess I'll be a double failure. An expensive double failure.

We’re going to the Davis Infertility Clinic for a consultation. Next Tuesday, January 6. I’m cancelling the SHG. The doctor is supposed to call me today anyway, but I don’t know if she will. Either way, I’m calling to cancel. I’ve already started filling out the forms for the clinic. I’m actually kind of excited. It’s the only thing keeping me from not crying right now. I wish we had just gone with them earlier.

AFTERNOON: Argh, things just get more and more complicated. The doctor called, and was amazed at how much the HSG had cost. She told me I should call and argue about it. I’m tired of this.

She also said she was willing to just prescribe Clomid for me. I asked about the SHG, and was told that it would cost between $200 and $600, and the doctor’s visit would be $100-$300, so the total would be $300-$900. I think it might be too late to do Clomid this cycle. I’m also worried that it will be too late for the SHG, since it will be CD 12. Which seems a bit late.

I’m now waiting for her to call me back so I can ask about all these questions.

On a side note, I posted a question on an IF blog which has a weekly QandA with an RE. He said that they might check for a luteal phase defect, meaning the period between O and AF is too short, which could be evidenced from my spotting. The spotting could also be a polyp. Ugh. Anyway, there are two ways to treat a LPD (or so I’ve found in my 5 minutes of web-searching) – Clomid and progesterone. Clomid is also commonly prescribed for unexplained IF. So maybe it’s the way to go anyway.

Will try to update again if/when the doctor calls me back.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Almost Christmas!

So just a quick update. Had some pretty awful digestional distress after dinner last night, which seems to have carried over to this morning (probably something to do with the cookie I ate after breakfast). I'm dreading eating my leftovers for lunch at this point.

Also, the digestional feelings feel a bit like cramps. Which is freaking me out a bit.

Also, I realized that for whatever reason, I circled Thursday as D-Day for AF. It's actually the earliest possible day based on my typical time-frame of 27-30 day cycles. Thursday would be CD 27. So in total theory, spotting could start today. Or as late as Friday. And AF could arrive as late as Sunday. So I won't even allow myself to think of a HPT until Sunday at least. Monday or Tuesday would be even better. Although the negative thinker in me says that I will be using my Diva Cup long before then.

And that's about it. Will update as I feel like it. I hate this stupid 2ww, but it would all be so worth it to have a BFP.

Update at 2:39 pm: Bboobs are definitely feeling sore today. Trying very hard not to get hopes up.

Monday, December 22, 2008


My doctor/hospital is/are unbelievable. I'm SO upset about our doctor bill. We went in for the test, the HSG, and they quoted us around $650 and said we'd get a 40% discount if we paid right then. So we paid. Now we get a bill that has the HSG on there, and something else called a sonohyster (I think it's cut off at that point). I'm scheduled for a sonohysterogram (SHG) in January. Sounds like the same thing, right? And it's $1440!!!!!!! Holy crap! And we don't get the benefit of the discount, since we of course didn't pay it up front.

I called the OBGYN, and they had no record of the bill (the HSG was actually done at the hospital, not at their office), and they confirmed that I was scheduled for an SHG in January. So I called billing. First they said that the two charges are for the same thing - they're just two separate parts. And I said why did they only charge us for the $650 one then, if we wanted to pay up front? Why didn't anyone even mention that there would be another charge for $1400? So then she said she would have to look into what happens when they quote you one thing and then charge you something way more, but that we'd probably have to pay it. And then I said, btw, I'm scheduled for a sonohysterogram in January (which I'm probably now cancelling because it costs SO FREAKING MUCH), but doesn't it therefore seem likely that I didn't just have one this month?

So then she said she didn't know, and would have to log some sort of question in for me, it probably wouldn't get answered until January, and in the meantime, I wouldn't have to pay. I can't believe it. I spent all that money and time trying NOT to get pregnant for years. What a waste!

Anyway, only 3-4 days until AF is expected. Only 2 days until I expect to start spotting. Yikes. The doctor is out all this week, and should call me on Monday, so by then I may feel quite differently. I’ll probably share my concerns about costs and ask her about ALL of my options. I think she should at least talk to me about what she thinks before scheduling me for these ridiculously expensive tests.

I worked like crazy on my Christmas gifts this weekend, without a moment to spare for obsessing, of course, but also for cleaning, errands, laundry, etc. Things are a disaster. So even though I got a LOT done on my gifts, I should have plenty to do to keep me distracted this week.

Tonight is rock climbing and painting (and cookie-making?), tomorrow night chores and grouting. Wednesday we go to my mom’s, deliver cookies, and celebrate Christmas. Thursday will be a slow, lazy day.

OK, now I’m just rambling. Looking forward to a few days off, even if they end up sucking for obvious reasons.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


OK, let’s start over. Dealing with infertility. See the previous post for a clue about what I’m talking about. At my age (30) infertility is defined as being unable to conceive after one year of trying. The point I was trying to get at is that it’s not like there’s some invisible line I am right now crossing. I’ve been aware that we’re ttc, and every month gets a little more worrisome, a little more stressful, a little more sad, but as I reach that one-year point, I realize that really I’ve been dealing with infertility all along. I just didn’t always know it.

Anyway, I’ve given up on POAS this month. I don’t know why I’m getting so blasé about it, but I am. It’s part of me, perhaps, that thinks that the obsessing hasn’t really helped, and so perhaps being blithe and carefree (um right) will change something. Anyway, not obsessing has been rather nice.

Unfortunately, not obsessing is actually a result of my incredibly stressful work and pre-holiday schedule. So I’m still a bit worried about this cycle. And then … the big SHG. I think that when I call the doctor to either verify or reschedule that, I’ll try to talk to her about our options.

So anyway, we're down to a one-week-and-change wait. God, I hate the 2ww.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dealing with infertility

Am I dealing with infertility? I'm not really sure what that means. I get up every day, I do all the things I normally do (plus sometimes a few extra things like POAS), and I agnonize over things my hubby is totally calm about. Wasn't I dealing with infertility for the last few months, before we reached the final "month 12"?

Eh never mind. I can't form a coherent thought today, I'm way too busy at work and majorly stressed about Christmas gifts. The amount of stress I was feeling yesterday was extremely NOT GOOD for my fertility issues. So then I started stressing about how much I'm stressing. Crap.

Anyway, I think my positive OPK was Thursday/Friday. Which makes me nervous that we didn't really cover our bases this month, since we didn't BD after Thursday. What if I didn't O until Sunday? Argh!!!!

My mantra seems to be "too early is better than too late".

Well, only about a week and a half until I should either know for sure that it's negative, or just keep wondering. Sigh.

Friday, December 12, 2008

POAS hell


Deciphering this stupid OPKs is SO FREAKING HARD. Last night looked positive, but I couldn't quite tell. Today at lunch - looked positive, but I couldn't quite tell.

I guess we'll just keep covering all the bases.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Scratch that

8:30 am

So ignore what I said yesterday about OPK and POAS. Well, don't ignore it. But consider that I POASed last night at 10pm (because I forgot) and got a fairly dark line. Not a positive. But ... well, I'm hopeful. I'll have to keep L busy for the next few days =) Will update during the day about POAS for today.

1:30 pm

Did my POAS thing at noon. Got an almost positive or positive (it was really hard to tell). So happy that we took care of things yesterday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Feels like I'm standing still

3rd day of POAS. Still pretty much nothing. A bit weird b/c I was expecting O on maybe Friday/Saturday, so I would think I'd start getting some fade-in lines already. Weird.

So the doctor called me back the other day. She told me that since I was being so persistent, I could do another test that would tell them what my uterus looks like, since they didn’t get a good look at the HSG. She didn’t tell me what the test was, though, and I was on my way to the train station so I didn’t want to schedule it yet.

I was a little irritated with the “persistent” comment. Who wouldn’t be persistent? Also, I thought she’d talk more about what to expect, future plans, etc. She seems convinced I don’t have a problem, so she doesn’t even address the possibilities. I’m frustrated.

Anyway, I called and scheduled the appointment, but it’s borderline too late for next cycle, depending on when I get AF. The test is a sonohysterogram, which in my opinion is a bit redundant after the HSG (and confusing since it’s a SHG). I think I will keep the appointment for now, see if and when I get AF, and then possibly reschedule for the following month.

On the other hand, if we just got a diagnosis of unexplained fertility, maybe we could start on some medication. I really don’t mind waiting a couple more months, but I don’t want to wait too much longer. At this point, I’ll be 31 at the earliest if we have a baby. If we really do have a problem, maybe 32 or 33, and if we decide to have more than one, who knows how old I’ll be at that point? I don’t want to be heading towards 40 for a second or possibly third child (or heaven forbid a first, still).

So many of the bloggers I’m reading are pg after years of IF and they’re in their 20’s. That scares me. I know I’m not old, but I only have a few years left before my age is automatically a factor. That scares me too.

I am feeling rather tired and weary of this whole thing. I hope I can enjoy the holidays, keep busy, and stop worrying about it all. Unfortunately, after the holidays, there’s nothing much to distract me. And the next cycle’s O date is right around when I have to give a presentation to a room full of people at a big conference. Talk about stress!

Well, here’s to wishful thinking for a wonderful Christmas present.

Monday, December 8, 2008

POAS, rinse, repeat

First day of OPK POAS. Extremely faint line. I'm predicting a positive around Friday, give or take a couple days. I’m tired of POASing.

I called the doctor’s office this morning, too, but I got a message saying there was a high volume of calls. I’m not terribly interested in waiting on the phone, especially since there was no hold music and I kept getting suspicious that my cell phone had dropped the call. It was weird. I’ll call again this afternoon.

Although, I’m not sure what I’m going to ask. I hate to go in for an appointment just for her to tell me to wait a couple months. I hope if that’s what she has in mind, she does it over the phone.
I think this month’s two-week wait will be excruciating, but at least we’ll know around Christmas/New Years.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tons of news

There is SO MUCH to write about this week, I don't even know where to start and I'll try not to get bogged down in the details.

First - Davis fertility clinic – yeah, not so much. They don’t diagnose or do tests, they only treat. They farm out the testing to labs, which means we could very well have ended up right back at the Sutter Davis hospital, which seemed silly.

The doctor called me early Wednesday morning (much to my own shock) and ordered an HSG. I was really upset b/c I thought we’d be missing another cycle, but hey! They scheduled us for Friday (this morning). I got a prescription for an antibiotic, which the doctor didn’t tell me when to take (so I spent all day yesterday calling and waiting for a return call).

Long story short, we had the HSG this morning, and everything looks fine. I think that in most ways that’s a huge relief. The HSG itself wasn’t bad at all – I read some stories online, and while most of the writers said they experienced cramping, and some said they had pain, I felt nothing. I did take two aleve this morning, which probably helped, but still. I was nervous, but that was about it.

They used the dye, which I watched on the screen as it went into my (teeny tiny) ute and out through the tubes. Crazy. I didn’t realize how small those particular body parts are, even though I’m sure I’ve seen pictures before. And now I’ve seen my own. Cool. Then they used some sort of oil which the doctors apparently believe can provide a sort of lubricant and increase the possibility of getting pregnant.

So there you go. Really nothing wrong at this point. I’m so relieved in most ways, although once again, it would have been nice to have some minor thing go wrong, have it easily fixed, and voila! No more problems. Still, hopefully this means that with no further treatment or minor medication only, we have a chance.

I’ll probably call the doctor on Monday, and see what she says. In the meantime, I guess I should go buy some more pee sticks and get ready for another month of ttc.

Monday, December 1, 2008

New era

Here’s what my Thanksgiving vacation looked like:

Wednesday – rush around at work, rush to my sister’s office, pack up the car with all these heavy carpet tiles, sit in traffic, get to my mom’s house, unpack the car, start laying carpet, sweep floor with old wooden broom and get painful splinter in hand, communicate with husband several times about whether or not he’s going to come to Roseville that night, discover spotting, husband very sweet but doesn’t want to come, feel depressed and hopeless, brine turkey, have half-way terrible night of sleep in waterbed.

Thursday – clean my mother’s kitchen, work on laying carpet, husband shows up, make bread, make pie, sweep kitchen, notice more spotting, feel depressed, feel stressed, cook turkey, finally finish carpet, put stuff back in family room, host huge number of people for dinner, drink lots of wine, don’t overeat (except for dessert), get painful splinter out of hand, have terrible night of sleep on the floor.

Friday – get period full-on, set up Christmas tree, unpack very basics for Christmas décor, have cramps, have lunch, brave ridiculous holiday crowds to buy some gifts, have more cramps, go out for nice expensive dinner, fall asleep in car on way home, fall into own bed for a fantabulous night of sleep.

Saturday – clean house, weed garden, out for lunch with husband, shopping for friend’s baby shower gift, work on mosaic, make turkey soup, discover that Cricket likes turkey, nice quiet dinner at home, buy books at bookstore (mostly husband), relax on couch to read together, go to bed for another wonderful night of sleep.

Sunday – sleep in, read, clean, early lunch, go stair-climbing and bouldering, bake bread (3 baguettes, 2 focaccias, 8 small French breads, 2 whole wheat loaves), lovely dinner of peperonata and leftover turkey.

TODAY – sucks! I checked the train this morning about 20 minutes before it should arrive (5 minutes before I need to leave) and it says on time (for 7:12). I get to the train station and the automated announcements say that it is arriving at 8:12. I thought, hmmmmm, that’s a little weird, their announcement is an hour off. Gradually, the announcements started getting later (8:14, 8:15, etc.). The train to the bay area pulled up, and EVERYONE on the platform got on. There was no one left waiting for the train to Sacramento. Then I hear the announcement that there is a bus heading to Sac, and sure enough, there everyone is, boarding the bus. People are stowing their bikes under the bus, which I’m not crazy about at all. I biked home, got the car, got the husband, gave the husband a ride to work, and got to work about an hour late. After waking up 20 minutes early.

Then I called the doctor about our IF problems. Doctor is out until Wednesday. I ask about talking to another doctor – they say they’d prefer I talk to my own doctor, but if she doesn’t get back to me on Wednesday, someone else can call me back. So I sent an email to the Davis fertility clinic.

It would have maybe been easier and cheaper to go with them first, and probably less delay and more information up front. It’s so frustrating. My OBGYN is very nice, but her office hasn’t really given us any official information about our situation, and all the info we’ve received has been over the phone after I’ve left a million messages. I feel like I want to be more involved in the process.

So am I infertile now? I’m not really sure, since I don’t know exactly when L and I started trying. I would say probably not until the end of the month under the strict one-year definition. However, for a couple our age who are just shy of a year ttc and still not pg – I’d say yes. So for this month, I’d call us “almost-IF”, and then definitely IF at the end of the month.

I’ll post more when I know more about our options and who we’ll be working with. To complicate the matter, it’s the end of the year, which makes this a pain for insurance purposes, and the holidays probably make it difficult to make appointments.

I’m feeling a strange combination of resignation, calmness, frustration, and impatience. I’m calm because I’m relieved to finally be moving forward and not waiting to see what will happen, but impatient because I have to wait to move forward because the doctors aren’t available! Argh!!!!

More later.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So, yeah

Time is ticking away, only a few more days until I either find out for sure that this month sucked once again or ... I get to keep wondering. I LOVE that, how you either know for sure that you’re not pg, or you know nothing. If you are pg, I guess it’s sort of a gradual awakening of hope, not too quickly, lest it be premature.

I always had these images of how your period works like clockwork (and really, it always seemed like it did, because one or two day variations didn't mean anything before ttc), and two hours past when it was due, you should take a HPT because obviously, the changes are extremely good that you're pg. I mean, that's the way Hollywood portrays it. So it must be true. Right?

So, yeah. Anyway. Between trying not to drive myself crazy but yet also keep myself informed, I read blogs. For some reason, I tend to prefer IF bloggers after they’ve gotten through at least one pregnancy b/c 1) they’re easier to find, and 2) they have happy endings. And I like to believe that despite whatever’s coming my way, I’ll have a happy ending eventually (even though I actually expected it right around now).

I started reading Redbook Magazine’s infertility blog, which incidentally has a new blogger right around my point in the IF battle. I guess she was actually labeled IF, which I have not been, yet, because it hasn’t been that requisite arbitrary year, but nonetheless, our situations have been surprisingly similar.

She just tried one IUI. And she got pregnant. And she’s annoying the hell out of me, even though I should be happy, and hey! If it happened for her, it can happened for me! And also, things can still go wrong, and I shouldn’t envy her the happiness that she can’t be sure she’ll keep.

So, yeah. That’s where I’m at. Mixed feelings, super busy with all this Thanksgiving stuff still, super busy at work, possibly making an offer on a house with my dear husband, and just waiting and wondering, in the back of my mind.

I don’t want to jinx it, or feel stupid later, but sometimes I do have the feeling that it worked this time. And then other times I don’t have that feeling, and I wonder if I imagined it. It’s hard to tell. Well, I’ll find out soon.

Not sure if I’ll post for the next few days. Friday for sure, I hope.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Getting nervous

I'm totally stressed right now, and I’m trying really hard not to stress because stress is bad. I’m really busy, which is super nice. But it’s also super stressful.

Only two more days of work and then Thanksgiving. And Thursday or Friday, I’m expecting AF, so one week from now I will know for sure what happened this cycle. Only one week.

Friday, November 21, 2008

What sucks more, the two weeks before or the two weeks after?

The two weeks before O are so nice because hey! You’re not worried, or wondering, or anxious, or impatient (well, yeah, you’re probably still impatient). Nothing has happened yet, the big opportunity for another try is still in the future, you don’t even know when, and until that opportunity comes along there is absolutely 0% chance you are pregnant. So there’s really nothing to be uncertain about. That’s awfully nice.

On the other hand, the two weeks before, by definition, start with getting your period. That sucks in so many ways that I can’t list it all, but namely, that after a 2ww, you again discover things didn’t work, you have cramps, you’re bleeding 24 hours a day and you have to deal with it, etc. So the first week sucks. The second week sucks because you start having to pee on sticks all the time, which means planning your day around when you drink and when you pee and when you can use a bathroom for at least 10 minutes without it being a hassle. And you try to make plans and guess the best days to try because even with the OPK, from all the obsessive reading you’ve done, you know you’re better off trying before you get the positive OPK. So you plan to have sex based on when you think you’ll O, which doesn’t always work out right when you think it will anyway. And the preplanned sex isn’t much fun for me, unfortunately. I’d like to go back to the random, spontaneous sex, thank you very much.

And then there’s the two weeks after O, the 2ww. This can definitely be summed up by the words “what if?” (or maybe “should I?”)

What if I am pregnant? Should I be drinking? Should I be exercising? Should I be eating sushi or cheese or whatever? Should I be hopeful, because hey, that would be awesome? Should I be not hopeful so I don’t get my hopes up too high? Should I look up the possible due date, or would that be jinxing things?

What if I am not pregnant? Is it time to really start worrying? Should I look up fertility clinics? Should I start making plans for doctor’s appointments? Should I start seriously considering what our infertility problems might be? Should I allow myself to get a little depressed?

It’s a bit like having multiple personality disorder. Do I act like I’m pregnant, or like I’m not? Because acting like I don’t know has no real definition, besides just acting like my normal self, like me. And I don’t feel like being me right now.

Brief note: Only a week until I expect AF (maybe even less).

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm already wondering ...

OMG, how will I do it? I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning. And that was with 7.5 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep. It makes me wonder how I'll cope when I'll be getting much, much less than that. It's a dreadful thought.

Things are so busy right now, I don't have time to be cranky or obsess (too much). Actually, I'm trying not to obsess about a house that we are considering buying. Which is taking my mind, a little bit, off of obsessing about my 2ww.

Also, Thanksgiving is coming up, which means serious preparations on my part. Even though we're having it at my mom's house, I'm still cooking the turkey as well as several other dishes, and most of the invited guests are my husband’s employees, so I feel like a co-host in many ways.

To make matters even more complicated, we’re probably going to be laying new carpet on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. What in the world are we thinking?

As much as I’d like to complain about all of this, I’m thrilled. The more complicated and stressful our plans for the next week and a half, the less time I’ll have to think about, well, you know. AND the time will pass more quickly, which is a bonus, too.

It’s too bad work is too slow and boring, and I have SO MUCH to do outside of work. I have Christmas gifts to make, baby shower gifts to make/buy, and other stuff to prepare for Christmas and Thanksgiving. I wish I could take a day off (a personal day!). Hmmmmmm … maybe I should.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Nothing much to report

Just hanging in there, and posting for the sake of posting.

In other news, the mood swings seem to have calmed down, at least a bit.

The irritability is still around, though.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Emotional roller coaster

I'm on a serious emotional roller coaster these days, I can’t believe how many moods I went through over the weekend. Any tiny little thing L does wrong makes me enraged, any criticism he offers makes me almost cry. I HATE being this way, especially when there’s no explanation for it (like PMS).

Anyway. I’m feeling halfway normal today, so that helps. I majorly cleaned the house this weekend, although I’m sure my husband would say it’s still a mess. I try the hardest I can with what I have. For someone who works full time, raises their own vegetables, bakes their own bread, and is basically ALSO a full-time housewife, I think I do a pretty good job. He apparently feels otherwise. Well, screw him.

Speaking of which. I got pretty dark lines on my pee tests on Saturday and Sunday, although not clear positives, which I DID get on Friday. I’m hoping that taking care of things on Saturday morning really took care of them. I’m a little nervous and worried. Trying my hardest not to stress, but man that’s hard.

So yeah. It’s 11 days until I can even start wondering if we were successful this month. Probably 14 days until I would dare think of taking a HPT. 14 days seems like such a long time right now. Luckily Thanksgiving is in there to distract me a bit.

Not sure if I’ll write or not along the way.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Positive OPK yesterday (Friday), both at lunch and before dinner. Almost positive Thursday night, so we took care of things on Thursday. Hopefully we'll be trying again as soon as the boy wakes up. And that will take care of this cycle.

AF expected the day after Thanksgiving.

Man, I hate waiting.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

No sign of a line

Today is the day I was expecting a positive on my OPK, and I guess it’s still too early to tell. Last night, the line was so faint that I would have thought I was imagining it. Today at lunch, it was ever so slightly darker, but still nowhere near positive. Hm. Not sure what that really means. If it’s still not positive tomorrow, I might actually be a little concerned.

In going back and looking at all my past months of OPKs, and honestly, I just started in August, so I think that’s only 4 previous cycles, it looks like I always got a positive on a Wednesday. Which is maybe why I was so sure it would be today, subconsciously.

I’m sick of all this waiting, wondering, and worrying. Why can’t this just happen already?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Waiting for the second line

Waiting waiting waiting.
That’s all I’m doing, waiting
Waiting waiting waiting
Pink line!

(to the tune of Rawhide)

Anyway. Where was I? Right! Waiting.

I’ve never had much patience for waiting. In general, I’d rather try to forget what I’m waiting for, only to be surprised when the day actually arrives. Like getting my grades in college – it was pure agony to wonder how well I did, hoping that my final exam went better than I thought or that my professor liked my term paper more than I did. So I would completely put it out of my mind and focus on other things. I didn’t want to spend my life being anxious and nervous and worrying about something that would not be at all affected by my constant obsession. And mostly, I was successful.

The problem with the waiting now is that I get a daily (or twice-daily) reminder, when I go pee on my sticks. Sure, maybe I can forget for a few hours until lunchtime, and then a few hours more until dinnertime, but those constant reminders draw me back into that never-ending circle of thoughts and worries.

Especially because we’re down to the wire now, almost a year of trying. Each month has brought us closer to that invisible divide between fertile and infertile, and therefore each month has weighed heavier and heavier on my mind.

And despite my efforts to relax and de-stress, we’re down to the wire in another sense, in that according to my calculations, I expect my two matching pink lines to appear this week. It somehow seems like a test, like one of those final exams or term papers, where I know I have one last chance to get things right before I get a big fat F. And that somehow makes this cycle seem so much more important, so much more critical.

Because so much is riding on this week. It's not just the outcome of this cycle, this month, that matters … the outcome of this whole year is riding on what happens this week. This is the culmination of something big, no matter how much I might want it to be small.

I got to spend time with my niece and nephew this weekend. My niece is two weeks old. If L and I had conceived soon after starting trying, we’d have a two-week-old baby right now. It’s just amazing to me every time I think of that. Every time I think that in 9 months, my brother and his wife created a child, an entire miniature human being(!), and we have nothing. The stark difference between our situations is so harshly defined, so clearly laid out in black and white before me. It’s so tactile, so obvious, so real. There definitely nothing subtle about it.

I just know that one of these days, this blog will seem so whiny, so impatient, so silly. Is that too much to ask?

P.S. Pee stick update for the weekend - I was really bad about remembering to read the stupid things, so I ended up mostly leaving them way too long. But it was all no line at all, with one having a very faint line (whenI waited over an hour to read it). I'll update after lunch today.

Update: Extremely faint line - could have imagined it. Too early still.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Rollin' rollin' rollin'


Still way too early to worry about anything.

I sort of decided to stop drinking. But then we decided to go to a nice dinner tonight. Ok, no problem, I really don't need wine with dinner. Then we got invited to my friend's husband's 40th birthday. Again no problem. I'll start with a glass of wine and drink slowly. Or bring some soda (but I don't want my friends to think I'm pregnant - mostly they don't even know we're trying argh).

THEN we got an invitation to one of our favorite local restaurants, they're having a slow-food-style dinner with a wine matched to each course. Sigh. I can't pass it up. It's even a decent price. It's probably just tiny tastes of wine, anyway.

It's hard to give this stuff up without yet having a solid reason to.

Pee stick update: No lines at lunchtime today.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Three cheers for pee sticks

I'm a bit tired of peeing on sticks. Besides the occasional annoyance with peeing on my hand, there's also the annoyance of sitting around in the bathroom at work for 5 minutes while I wait for a result. Five minutes is a long time to sit around in a public bathroom stall with nothing to do. It brings up a lot of questions (well, it does for me).

First, there are the easy questions. Do I stay seated on the toilet for 5 minutes? That feels a bit weird, with my pants down, usually down pretty far so I can get my pee sample. But the only other option I can think of is standing up for five minutes, which isn’t super comfortable either. Do I bring a book? Will people wonder what I’m doing with a book in the bathroom at work? Even with a book, 5 minutes is still a long, awkward time in the public bathroom.

I guess there aren’t actually any hard questions. Unless you thought those questions were hard.

Technically, it’s still to early to start testing. I’ve been using kits that have 20 pee sticks, so you can use one each day starting right after your period ends. I did this for a few months, and now I have a general idea of when I think I should O.

So this month, I tracked when I think it will happen, plus or minus a day or two, based on the slightly variable length of my cycles, and the fact that due to the annoying spotting I’ve been having at the beginning of AF, I don’t actually know when I should start counting the first day of my cycle.

Then I expanded that set of days to get ten days with my target about in the middle. So now I’m going to test twice a day, around noon and around 7 or so. Basically, right before lunch and right before dinner. That way, I can drink liquids with my meals without worrying about these stupid tests.

Also, I’ll be a lot better about not gradually inching my lunchtime forward so that I’m eating at 11:45, then 11:30, then 11:15, until I find myself eating lunch at 9:30 so I am hungry again at … lunchtime.

Anyway, that’s the plan, stan. It’s not off to the best start considering we’re having a potluck today at 11:30. So I’m testing at 11:20 today. But I’m not expecting anything today anyway.

As far as L really knows (since I’m not involving him too much in technical details right now), we’re just going to try to have a lot of sex this month. Which I think is ok with him.

Except I’m not drinking wine. Booo.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Here we go again

Ready to start another month of craziness, waiting, wondering, trying, hoping, worrying, stressing, trying to relax, and obsessing?

Yeah, me neither. Sigh.

Friday, October 31, 2008

A moment of relative calm

Haven't posted in a few days because, well, I've been ok. Things are really ok. For the moment. The day things fell a bit apart earlier this week, I was finishing up a book (nonfiction) in which a family attempts to live life as if they were dirt farmers in the year 1900. They are attempting to get pregnant for the second time, but without any modern help – no OPKs, no HPTs, etc. They complain a bit because it seems to be taking them a while.

I finished the book on the train on the way home, the same day I finally admitted this wasn’t our month. And at the end, they talk about how they’re expecting in 6 months. I wanted to cry. I almost did cry. L gave me a huge hug when I got to his office, and I suddenly felt so much better, like he was finally taking me seriously. I didn’t tell him about the book, though.

Today is Halloween, and I can drink if I want. I don’t know if I will. I can also go in the hot tub if I want, but hot tubs aren’t really my thing (I mean, propriety calls for me to SHAVE – I don’t want to do that!). I just want to hang out with good friends and relax. I’m getting too old for parties, getting drunk, going in hot tubs. Perfect time to start a family, right? =)

So, anyway, feeling good. Not that I’m feeling positive about this month or anything. No, I’ve lost the ability to feel positive this far in advance. I don’t hold out hope things will work out this month. I’m pretty much expecting that in about two months we’ll make another appointment with the doctor, or at least call and ask what our options are. Which is fine. I’ll be ok with it. I think. I hope.

The great thing is, this is what I want. I don’t want to be happy, or accepting, or anything like that. I’m just not thinking about it, and I’m content with the rest of my life, and I know I’ll worry about this in the future (probably in two weeks, knowing me), but for now, I feel more ignorant. Which is really nice.

I’m working on my mosaic a lot, which is helping. It’s very distracting, and I’m enjoying it a lot. I think it’s beautiful, and I’m so happy with how it’s turning out. It’s nice to have a few projects that I’m really excited about at a time like this. It’s nice to feel like there are other things in my life that are creative and allow me some self-expression. I think I need some more of that.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Light brown spotting all day, and now cramps.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Stop whining!

I'm driving myself crazy these days, obsessing, being paranoid, not able to think about anything else. Part of it is work being so crazy yet boring. I haven't had much time to myself, but since work these days is so time-consuming but leaves me plenty of time with my thoughts, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to listen to myself think constantly.

I had a rather baby-ful weekend, between the pics of my new darling niece Alana, and the baby shower for a friend that I went to on Saturday. I think I’ve mentioned that I hate baby showers, for reasons not really related to my current situation.

One of my current coping mechanisms is to think about the fun things that I do right now that I couldn’t do if I were pregnant. A sort of silver lining to a cloud that is, admittedly, not all that dark yet (insert the usual “I could be pregnant right now!” thought that is inevitably going through my brain).

Whenever I have a glass of wine, I think “ha! I’m enjoying this because I’m NOT PREGNANT! Yay!” Or when I’m climbing, and thinking about how I’ll lose all the strength and skill I’ve been building up over the last few years. Except – well, that’s really about it. The two things I do on a regular basis that I shouldn’t do anymore after (if) I ever get pregnant.

Except that I probably will enjoy a sip of wine every now and then. And I’ll probably climb for the first few months, albeit carefully and not anywhere where I’ll risk falling. I’ll probably still hike, and ride my beautiful bike. I may not ski (I have no idea if that’s safe), but I don’t ski all that often anyway. I’ll certainly still swim, if it’s the right season.

But still, it’s a sort of consolation prize, to try to think of reasons to be happy with the way things are right now. Very zen, and very not me. Which is probably why I can’t really lie to myself and why I’m never fooled even when I do.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


One of the most frustrating things about all this is the thought that every time I get my period, it's only two weeks until we can try again. And then only two weeks until we find out if it worked. The hard thing is that it's so gradual, there's never one moment when you suddenly say, well, obviously this isn't working. It's always, well, let's just try again in two weeks.

When we finally got some tests done, it was right around when I ovulated. I didn't go get the bloodwork done for a week after that, and then I didn't get the results for several MORE days after that. If I actually had been pregnant, it would have seemed ridiculous to have done all thoses tests, only to find out I had been pregnant all along. Of course, it didn't work out that way. But still.

So here I am, anxiously waiting to see what will happen next. I wish I was like my husband. He never gets excited, never gets overly emotional, is always eternally patient. It must be a great way to be, but I wouldn't know. Today is Saturday, I'm expecting AF on Thursday or Friday. I'm going to try not to get my hopes up until Monday, and if there's still no AF, then I'll have a hard time waiting much longer. Ideally, I don't want to even think about doing a HPT until the middle of the following week.

But even thinking these things now means I have my hopes up. Which sucks. I wish I could just be happy about this whole process. Or zen. Just calm and indifferent, and ok with anything. I'd like to just happily expect my period, and be pleasantly surprised when (and if) it finally never arrives. For me, not getting my hopes up means being negative, pessimistic, and frankly miserable to be around. I can't seem to find a happy medium.

I just got a pic of my new niece. And in two hours, I'm off to a friend's baby shower. Sigh. For now, it doesn't depress me much, it just makes me hopeful and excited, because I still have a lot of hope that soon, it'll be me.

Friday, October 24, 2008

First post

Maybe this blog will only last a few weeks. Maybe I'm jinxing myself by saying that. Maybe I'm being stupid and paranoid and spastic about this whole thing. Anyway, this is a tough time in my life in many ways. I want to start my family. I want to have a baby. It doesn’t help that it seems like everyone around me is having babies (my brother and sister-in-law’s daughter was born yesterday, I’ve been invited to two baby showers in the last few weeks, and two other friends are pregnant).

To go back to the beginning, L and I decided to start trying for a baby last December, 2007. I was stupid, as I usually am, and expected immediate results and instant gratification. L was patient, as he usually is, and slightly patronizing and told me that it was completely ridiculous to get upset after one month of trying. And he was right.

The problem is, I had started reading some infertility blogs (which I stumbled across for completely unrelated reasons), and they were making me a bit nervous. I had absolutely no reason to think I was infertile, but for some reason I just had a nervous feeling about it. I did a bit of research, obsessed for a while, searched the internet constantly, but managed not to get upset after a few months passed and still nothing happened.

My OB/GYN told me it was too early to worry around month 5. The few friends I told about our tries and lack of success so far were dismissive of my worries. I was still optimistic, slightly wary, but relatively calm.

Then after about 6 or 7 months, I started getting upset again. My sister-in-law was pregnant. My other sister-in-law (L’s brother’s wife) gave birth to their second (our second niece on that side). Several friends and relatives gave birth or announced new pregnancies. Why wasn’t it working for me?

We finally told my in-laws that we had been trying. They seemed almost embarrassed, but generally supportive. I didn’t tell my mom yet, but when I did, she was ok, too. I was a little surprised.

Around month 8, we started using OPKs, which were a pain. I hated having to remember to withhold liquids for a few hours, doing it at a rather inconvenient time EVERY DAY (often in the work bathroom in the afternoon, not very private), and having to be even more precise with timing.

Then my period was late. I started getting excited the day it was due. The next day, I was even more excited. The NEXT day, I went out for dessert with a friend and told her about how excited I was. I imagined going to buy a HPT after work! But then I got home and saw the blood. It sucked. I got upset. L got upset with me for being upset. He tried to talk me into going to see the doctor again – it was now 8-9 months of TTC. I was hesitant, and I didn’t know why, but off we went.

We did all the preliminary tests – u/s, blood and hormone tests for me, SA for him. Everything normal. That was great! Or was it? In some ways, I wished they would find something wrong, something simple, something easily fixable that would explain our problems. Something treatable. The doctor was even slightly dismissive, saying “you could even be pregnant right now!”

I wasn’t, of course. I went through the same horribly emotion-wrecking experience of being three days late, but AF arrived like a fashionable celebrity, knowing everyone was waiting for her. More OPKs. And here we are. One week to go until AF, on Halloween. I don’t remember the official date we started TTC, but we’re heading up to one year pretty quickly now.

One year means an official declaration of IF.

The thought of that … well. It makes me want to cry.

So that’s the beginning. And that’s where we are now. It helps just to write this all down. Maybe this will help me from getting my hopes up. I doubt it. I know myself too well for that. My hopes are always getting up and I am forever disappointed. Somehow, things seem all the more desperate because I want to avoid reaching that one-year mark.

I just don’t want to go there.