Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Freaking Halloween

Today sucked. God, it was awful. I agreed to go to my mom's house for Halloween, partly out of guilt that she didn't see the babies in their costumes last year. This year, Tadpole was Supergirl (I ironed a logo on a plain blue shirt, my sister sewed on a make-shift cape, and she wore a cute red skirt from, and Turtle was Charlie Brown (plain yellow shirt with jagged stripe drawn on and brown pants). They were SO CUTE!

BUT!!!! My mom lives 45 minutes away, and about 20 minutes into the drive, Turtle pukes. all. over. himself. In the back of the car. UGH!!! It was on a stretch of highway with nowhere to stop, no exits, etc., and Tadpole had just fallen asleep. So I drove the rest of the way there (poor thing), stripped him, and washed his costume at her house while trying to prevent them from eating too much cat hair.

My mom's friend comes over, and I decide it's time to change everyone's diapers, based on the smell.

Mom's friend: Oh, I remember when we had to carry around diaper bags!

Mom: Oh, Sunflowerchilde always had these big ideas, that she wouldn't have to carry around a diaper bag, that she would breastfeed, that ...

Me: Excuse me! That's very hurtful. I WANTED to breastfeed, and got no support from anyone, INCLUDING YOU!

Mom: Well, I didn't care about breastfeeding. I mean, I didn't care about breastfeeding you, and I didn't care whether or not you breastfed.

I guess she was trying to make a point about how idealistic I was and how reality was sort of kicking me in the teeth, and I get it, point taken, but it still hurt a bit. Although I recognize that she didn't have any idea what it meant to me.

We went to lunch, and drove all over creation visiting her friends to "trick-or-treat", with both kids falling asleep at various inopportune times. Poor things spent hours in the car today, and poor Mama had to get them in and out of their carseats a million times.

Then on our 45-minute drive home, I start feeling not-so-good. When I'm close to home, I call hubby who, like a saint, immediately offers to come home and when he arrives admits that he's not feeling well either. Ugh, poor guy. I puked my guts out and laid in bed while he handled dinner for the kids and putting them to bed. They desperately needed a bath, but no one was up for it. Tonight, he is my hero.

And now I feel like total crap and am going to bed. I'll post pictures of the Halloween costumes in the next day or two, when I'm feeling a bit better.

Friday, October 28, 2011

15.5 months

I always want to write down how things are going, and I never have the time, and when I do have the time, I don't have the motivation.

Tadpole and Turtle and growing in leaps and bounds! At their 15-month appointment on Monday (they were actually 15.5 months), they weighed 24.5 and 25.5 pounds respectively, and they're around 32 inches tall. Almost as tall as hobbits! Which is an idea I have for them for next Halloween. If they let me pick by next year.

They just learned to give kisses and it is SO sweet! I think my heart might melt every time they do it. Turtle will even stop crying to give me a kiss if I ask. Of course, he starts crying again right after, but hey. It's enough.

Turtle is talking up a storm! He says no, and does a lot of animal sounds, including dog, elephant, chicken, chick (baby chicken), lion, duck, sheep, and frog. He has done a coyote howl a couple times, too, and he says coco (with the accent on the second syllable, like coCO) in order to say a bunch of different things, many of which we haven't figured out yet. Tadpole just says "hi" and "bye-bye", and she'll occasionally do a couple animal sounds, usually dog and sheep.

I bought a couple small kid-sized plastic chairs at the thrift store for them, and they love sitting in them, although they're still slightly too small to sit in them easily. They also love the legos I borrowed from our toy library, and they are both still completely crazy about books. Which is wonderful!

Their second Halloween is almost upon us, and I made their costumes myself! They're very simple and required almost no skill or time, so don't be too proud of me. I'll post pics over the weekend, or Monday evening.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


My babies start daycare tomorrow. I'm ... nervous, to say the least. Also a strange mixture of sad, relieved, excited, guilty, terrified. And other stuff. I feel a bit like of a failure. But I feel relief because finally, I get a bit of time for myself. Not just to breathe, but to get stuff DONE around here.

With the babies at home, I barely break even. Right now they are down to one nap most days. I spend that nap cleaning up after lunch and after the morning, washing the dishes, picking up toys, sweeping the floor, making phone calls or sending emails. After they go to bed, at 8pm, I clean up after dinner, unpack and repack the diaper bag, unload the car from errands, fold laundry, sort mail, pay bills, etc. If they've had a bath, I also have to clean up the bathroom, put away toys, and wipe down the tub. I go to bed wiped out, and then I get up pretty early and start all over. I can usually maintain things, but the problem is I started out behind and I'm still behind.

There's paperwork to be filled out and filed and sorted and recycled, and it's everywhere. There are closets to be cleaned out. The garage is a total disaster. It has a lot of stuff we never unpacked after we moved, a lot of old baby stuff, and all the regular "garage" stuff, and it's all in a big pile because the contractors moved it here and there and eventually shoved it all in the middle. And now it's covered in an inch of dust and dirt, too. There is furniture to be moved around, including in the kids' rooms, and it's hard to do that when they're awake and impossible to do when they're sleeping in there. We have a food moth infestation AND a clothes moth infestation, and I haven't been able to do anything about either one. In the last few weeks, we've had our heater go out, and the contractors have cut our electricity, water, and gas on various occasions, requiring me to spend a lot of time on the phone, or showing repair-people around to fix stuff.

On top of that, I never get to the gym. I don't get to work out. I feel like crap because of it, and I think I am actually more tired. I only shower a few times a week (when do you people shower? How?!). Every once in a while I manage to make a nice meal, but most of the time it's total crap, and we have to put the kids in front of the TV at some point just to get a few things done.

Next month, my husband will be going on an 8-day trip to Europe, and then later a 5-day trip to Europe. In between, he'll be doing lots of day trips, which often involve leaving at 7:30am and getting home after I go to bed, which means I handle everything from the moment the babies get up to the moment they go to bed, plus clean-up. I'm just so tired.

I have a dentist appointment next week, and I've had an intermittent toothache I haven't had time to get seen to in the meantime. I somehow got my birth control renewed without going to see the OBGYN, but I have to do that soon. My bras are all destroyed and I haven't been able to get new ones.

So that is why they are going to daycare two days per week. And why I am heartbroken about it, but also relieved to be able to just DO some of this stuff. And hopefully in a few weeks or months I can catch up, and we can reevaluate how things are. Maybe everyone will be happier with daycare. Maybe we'll hate it and we'll stop. In theory, we can choose whatever works for us and all be happy with it.

And sheesh, I make it all sound bad, which it's not! I mean, I don't get stuff done because I'm spending time with my beautiful children, and we generally have a lot of fun, even if we are running errands some of the time. Today we just got ice cream and hung out in the plaza in our town, played in the fountain and ran around and bought art supplies for some fun things I hope to do now that I will actually have TIME to do them. I will be able to prepare them on daycare days, and we'll be able to do them on days they're home, and I'm hoping the time we spend together will be more quality time.

Am I just kidding myself, though? I will miss them like crazy when they're not here. Maybe after I get things under control, I'll keep them home again full time. Maybe not. A blogger I read once said that she thought parents who work (I'll modify this to parents whose kids don't spend the whole day with them) may not love their kids more than parents who stay at home, but they probably appreciate them more, and I suspect that might be true. So we'll give it a shot tomorrow and see how it goes. Wish me luck, please!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

15 months (and ten days)

Last night, as every night, my husband and I went to check on the babies just before we went to bed. We always creep in with a flashlight and make sure everyone is settled, put an extra pacifier or two into Tadpole's crib, and make sure Turtle has his little elephant.

When we went into Tadpole's room last night, she was asleep sideways across the top of her crib, completely wedged up there, on her back with her arms thrown out wide (she often sleeps like that). She had her right foot hitched jauntily up over the crib bumper, with her foot sticking through the bars of her crib. We often wish we could take pictures of Tadpole while she sleeps, but that was definitely the best photo-op-that-couldn't yet.

Lately they've been talking more. They babble almost constantly, and sometimes it seems like they might say something intelligible. They do a bunch of animal sounds, although not always on cue, and most of them they do in Italian (animals talk differently in different languages, did you know that?). Turtle says "no" all the time, and I'm not sure he knows precisely what it means, but he does know that it's something he should say when he's unhappy, or doesn't want something, or DOES want something he can't have. Tadpole says "hi" and "bye-bye" while waving, which is adorable. Sometimes I think Turtle says "what is this?" or "what is that?", but I can never really tell. When they're exposed to two languages, it's even harder to guess what they may or may not be saying.

It is sometimes surreal to me that I got what I wanted and that I will most likely never get it again. That what I craved for so long is already passing me by, in a way. It makes me want to stop and savor every moment, even the bad ones (the tantrums, the horrible diapers, the food on the floor and in the hair and everywhere). I'm trying to live in the present without mourning not only the past but the future-that-will-one-day-be-past, which it turns out is much harder than I expected.

And in other news, I'm finally working on their rooms, now that the construction on our house is slowly creeping towards being finished (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!). So maybe I will actually get that done soon and post some pics, the way many infertiles do after they get pregnant but BEFORE the baby is born. I am only 16 months behind.

Hope y'all had a good weekend. Cheers.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Little stars

I've been wanting to write so long about the little stars of this blog, Turtle and Tadpole, of course. I NEED to start writing more regularly, but as usual it's 10:20pm and I want to get to bed because I will be up in no more than 8 hours. So here are some bullet points.


- Super independent
- Now waves and says "bye bye" in this sweet, sugary voice (it almost sounds like she's faking being nice), usually at appropriate times
- Today she was lying on her back on the couch in her fleece footie pajamas, reading a book, feet crossed. Cutest thing EVER.

- Usually the sweetest, happiest baby ever. Right now she's cutting 3 molars. She's a bit miserable. So are the rest of us.
- Still hates wearing bows on her head. Hats too. Good thing cold weather is just around the corner.


- REALLY wants to talk. Babbles constantly in his own language. Like making the sounds of animals, and now can respond if you ask him what sound these animals make (either in Italian or in English): consistently does dog and cow. Sometimes does donkey, chicken, sheep. He does funky little clicking sounds for cat, because that's the sound we make when we call our cat.
- Throws a lot of temper tantrums. Drives me crazy. He's very willful, knows what he wants, and if he really has his mind set on something, he's impossible to distract.
- Lately what he wants the most is computers, to the point that we've had to ban them from the common area of the house completely. I'm really happy I got a smart phone now.
- Another thing he wants is to climb on everything. Often to get to a computer or other electronic device. We have no more chairs in our kitchen. Here he is climbing the contractor's ladder:

- Has become super sweet. Will give me butterfly kisses and hugs, it's the sweetest thing ever.

I joined a gym with child care, and haven't been able to bring myself to use it yet. A friend and I traded off watching each others' kids the last two days, so I actually swam 1500 yards this morning. Tonight, I am physically exhausted. My back, my shoulders. Thank goodness hubby is coming home from NYC tonight and tomorrow is Saturday. I need a break from picking up and carrying around heavy babies all day.

Today was also our first "playgroup" at our cooperative nursery school. It's 1.5 hours, once a week. I was super excited about it, but now that I've gone, I'm not that thrilled. My expectations were definitely too high. I will keep it up a while longer and see how it goes.

Well, my back is aching, so it's time for me to get to bed.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Trying again? (Part 1)

So I've started writing a long, long post about whether or not I'd want to try for another baby, and it's sort of going nowhere. I wanted to write and post at least SOMETHING. Today I was thinking about my very general feelings about it.

I tend to NOT want another baby when things are at one end of the spectrum or the other. When things are really bad, I think that there's no way I could do this again, especially since having another one would just make things more stressful and more crazy and so on. I question my sanity for even thinking about it. When things are really good, I don't want to mess it up. I'm happy with my life, and happy that we'll be introducing our kids to the things we love sooner rather than later, like the great outdoors, skiing, hiking, and yes, other things too, like music, crafts, and reading books. I'm excited to start doing all that, and I know that having another baby would delay at least some of those things. It would be that much longer before we'd have the whole family participating in activities together.

On the other hand, when things are just good, and I am content, and we are hanging out at home and the kids are entertaining themselves or laughing at each other, or we're meeting friends or family, then I want another one. Because those are the times when another one would be even more fun, and a bigger family is even better. Then I wonder how I could even doubt my wishes to have another one.

So, briefly, that is one facet of the discussion for me. Other things of course include infertility treatments, travel, careers, etc. I will get to those another time. In the meantime, I'll write another post about Turtle and Tadpole, just as soon as I find some time!