Monday, August 31, 2009

Monday blues

It's Monday. It's only three days until knee surgery. I had a decent weekend, although I felt very moody. The husband is sure it's because AF arrived - not because we're not pregnant, but because of hormones or something.

My cramps have been pretty awful recently and getting worse every month. I'm starting to wonder about endo. I didn't have a lap - I'm hoping that IVF isn't a waste of time. My RE thought that a lap is a waste of time and money if we're going to move on to IVF anyway, and that there was no need to worry about endo if we're doing IVF.

The rest of the weekend was nice - rock climbing on Saturday, swimming on a relay team for a triathlon on Sunday, getting the house cleaned up a bit, a nice dinner out. Quiet, peaceful. I was sad for a while, but I feel better today. Going to see Harry Potter in IMAX tonight!

The one good thing that is coming out of all of the crap going on in my life is that my husband finally wants to buy a house. We've been living in our apartment for 4.5 years. It's in a college town, and we're surrounded by dorms with loud, obnoxious undergrads. There's no street parking for our friends when they visit during the school year. I'm regularly woken up in the middle of the night by college kids shouting, blasting music, or revving their car engines. Our carpet is dirty and ugly. The kitchen is 1970's at best, with a white countertop that gets stained by everything. We have a carport with a storage closet, luckily, but no garage. We have no south-facing windows, so it tends to be very dark - nice in summer, when the apartment stays cool, but not so great in the winter when it is gloomy inside. Our extra room is our office, and also stores our bookshelves, the armoire that we can't fit in the bedroom, our freezer, and most of our sports gear (swimming, rock climbing, camping, skiing). I'd LOVE to have a garage to put that stuff in, so the office could double as a guest room. And hopefully ... eventually ... maybe ... we'd need a room for a baby.

In the meantime - I'm just biding my time until knee surgery, and the until IVF. Almost there.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Invisible Wall

When I was younger, I was never very popular, although I always had friends. I was one of those quiet, shy kids who was uncomfortable in large groups. I would look at the popular kids and wonder why I couldn’t be one of them, what made me different. I felt like there was an invisible wall between me and them, and that everyone knew it was there.

My family moved when I was in junior high school, and I thought that it was finally my chance to start over and have a lot of friends, but still the invisible wall followed me, and again, it was like everyone knew it was there. It didn’t help that it followed me to my classes, onto the field during P.E., into the quad at lunchtime, onto the bus to go home.

The only place it didn’t follow me was into the band room, where I hung out with friends who were just like me – genuine, slightly nerdy kids who just wanted to be themselves and have a close group of friends. They were my refuge in a world where I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere else.

And then I grew up, and went to college, and a whole new world opened up to me. I learned that in the real world, people aren’t categorized so strictly as in high school. I had friends from all walks of life, and it was a great thing to know such a diversity of people. The invisible wall seemed like it was still there, lurking in the background, but almost no one could feel it, only a few people knew it was there. And I was perfectly happy to have a wall between me and those particular people.

Now the wall has been replaced with a different invisible wall, which has crept in so slowly during the past twenty months that I only started noticing it recently. It’s the wall that divides me from the fertile people. I know that I’m partly responsible for constructing this wall. I’ve built it with my anger and my frustration, my resentment and bitterness. Some of it has risen on its own, created by the unfortunate circumstances of my situation – my unexplained diagnosis, the ease with which my brother and brother-in-law have had several kids each despite their broken relationships, the money and time I’ve had to spend on fertility treatments, the secret sharps container that I have to hide in my apartment.

And some of it is erected by fertiles, who flaunt their fertility in my face everywhere I turn. At the grocery store, where I have to turn the other direction or feel tears welling in my eyes when I see a young couple with their babies. My friends and acquaintances who post pictures of their kids daily on Fac.ebo.ok. The people on the train who discuss their pregnant wives or their toddlers at home. Every day there is someone new to avoid, someone new to make excuses to, someone else whose eyes I just can't meet.

And every day the wall gets higher and thicker and I am stuck on the other side. It’s also, finally, becoming visible. The unexplained, unnoticeable gulf that divides me from everyone else is slowly becoming more obvious to others. Friends with kids are slowly drifting away, leaving me more isolated.

I despair because the wall is getting harder and harder to break down. I’m terrified that one day it will become permanent.

Monday, August 24, 2009


This post is going to be random and disorganized and a mess, a bit like me these days.

1. Infertility - it's really getting me down these days. I can't believe that our 2-year anniversary is looming. OK, I admit, it's still 4 months away, so I'm being a little melodramatic. Also, I'm hoping that IVF #1 works before then, and the anniversary will never actually happen. Still, I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would still be here 20 months after starting ttc. I added a new ticker, hoping that it will make the IVF seem a little more real. It seems so far in the future right now that it doesn't seem like it will ever happen.

2. Speaking of melodrama, my family is driving me nuts. Whenever I think things can't get worse, of course they do. I have about lost my patience with the paranoia, guilt trips, whining, complaining, squabbling, and the constant "call me back TONIGHT because I think my son's wife's friend's boyfriend is crank calling me and therefore something terrible will happen to me and it will be all your fault" phone calls and messages. Suffice to say that my mother really needs to be committed to a psycho ward, but is clever enough to act normal any time she is evaluated by a professional - to the point that she gets the professional to agree with her that all of her problems are someone else's fault and she is the ultimate victim. In the meantime, I feel like I am living in a Je.r.ry nightmare.

3. Knee surgery plans are coming along. I donated a little bit of blood and pee today for pre-op tests, and I should probably start taking a look again at the "medications and foods to avoid" list. I'm happy to be getting it over with.

Those are the three big things going on in my life right now. I don't have any IF-related news, quite honestly. AF should be arriving sometime around the end of the week or during the weekend. At least I'll have some contact with the IF clinic then. And at some point, we have to actually PAY for the IVF. Sigh.

Friday, August 21, 2009

ICLW intro


For first-time visitors, or those who don't know my story, here it is:

My husband, who is from Italy, and I have been together for five years, married for over two (I just turned 31, he's 34). We've been ttc since December 2007, started IF testing in September 2008, and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility in January 2009, when we started treatment. We did three IUIs (plus one medicated cycle with timed intercourse) on clomid, sometimes throwing in estrogen and/or progesterone just for fun.

Now we're facing our first IVF. We decided to postpone it until October so I could have knee surgery to fix a torn ACL (anterior cruciate ligament), which is happening in less than two weeks (OMG!). I'm afraid of needles, although the sub-Q shots we've done during the IUIs have been pretty easy. I'm terrified of PIO.

In my "spare time" (ha!), I train for and compete in triathlons, raise vegetables, do arts and crafts (mostly mosaic and crochet), cook, and bake (mostly bread). My husband and I also do a lot of outdoor activities together, like rock climbing, skiing, and backpacking. I have WAY too many hobbies, but I really hope to share them with my children someday.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Dentist appointment yesterday. Funny how EVERYTHING reminds me of infertility somehow. I remember going to the dentist in July 2008 (I had to look that up) and deciding to get my x-rays done then because in 6 months I'd be pregnant. I even TOLD the hygeinist that. Sheesh, what an idiot I was.

The somewhat close friends I have, who are pregnant, are at the hospital right now, becoming parents. I have such mixed feelings about it. I'm happy that at least some of my friends are having kids (most of my closer friends aren't even considering yet, and I want to shake them and tell them how foolish it is to wait when they don't know if they're even fertile). I'm happy for them, especially because they seem so excited. I'm curious to find out whether they're having a boy or a girl (they didn't find out), and what names they've picked out (they won't share).

I'm also so sad for me. They started trying almost a YEAR after we did, and their baby will probably be born today. We're still months away from even getting started. Their journey from ttc to baby was less than a year. Ours will be, at the very least, almost three years. If we're lucky. Their journey was practically free. Ours will cost tens of thousands of dollars.

I'm so sad about all of that.

On the other hand - I'm also realizing that time is sort of flying. I'm supposed to call the IF clinic in September when AF arrives so I can start birth control, but I'm expecting it around August 30 (and then again around September 27 - does anyone know if I should wait until then?). I'm supposed to start Lupron around October 14, stims around October 21. So only two months to go until I'm in the thick of it.

And only two weeks to go until knee surgery. Which will probably take my mind off things for a while anyway.

And only forty minutes until I get to leave work for the day. Thank goodness for small miracles.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Knees and birthdays

I am in a weird place right now. Besides being terribly behind on commenting (I just got back from vacation - I'm behind on EVERYTHING!), I am feeling a bit at a loss.

This month, I desperately DON'T want to get pregnant. At least, I don't think so. Because my knee surgery is Thursday, Sept. 3, and I expect AF around August 30th, and I can't help but wonder if just the fact that it would be terribly inconvenient, something could actually happen this month.

After all, I am unexplained. Which means that who-the-hell knows why it's not working? And therefore, who knows if and when it will ever work? Which means - why not now?

And secretly, I wonder if this is what the universe has been waiting for - a supremely inconvenient time to finally let us experience pregnancy. It would sure save us a LOT of money (like $15,000). But I would have to cancel surgery at the last minute, and I can tell you the hospital really wouldn't like that at all. Not to mention, I really want to get this knee surgery over with.

Sort of.

Last night I read the information packet the hospital sent me. Turns out, I will be on crutches for 1-2 months, and should not even consider running for 4 months. I can't ride my bike until I'm off the crutches. I am an active person. This is going to be torture for me.

I KNOW it's better to get it over with ASAP so I can start getting back in shape. But I am feeling a little down about it. And I don't like knowing I'll have to really watch what I eat since I won't be able to exercise. Sigh.

If I sound confused and anxious and cranky, it's because I am. Worse still (maybe) - it's my birthday on Sunday! I'm turning 31! I mean, yay, birthday! But, booo, one year closer to that magical cut off date of Advanced Maternal Age. Sigh again.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Show and Tell - Alaska

Will update more in a bit, but my Show and Tell this week is a picture of my trip to Alaska - kayaking on a glacial lake surrounded by icebergs. Awesomeness.

Check out what everyone else is showing here.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm back!

Alaska was awesome! I will put up a few pics tomorrow for Show and Tell, but can I say that this vacation was fantastic. I haven't had a fun vacation like that since my 5-day honeymoon two years ago, and before that it was probably my summer in Europe eight years ago. I sorely needed it, and I had a great time! (Aside from being completely terrified during our flight-seeing trip in a little 7-seater airplane, but I'm just going to try to block that out of my mind).

All is well in my life right now, except for work. I'm really excited to see my garden after work today. My knee surgery is in 3 weeks, although I still haven't heard if insurance is going to cover it. It was great to see my little kitty again after 10 days, and nice to come home to a clean house (which isn't clean anymore, but oh well). I'm even sort of looking forward to all the chores that await me - mountains of laundry, weeding the garden, preserving the harvest, finishing unpacking. It's wonderful to be on vacation, and it's also great to get back to a normal routine.

Work is majorly sucking, but I don't want to get into that now. Better to stay in my relatively good mood.

At the moment, blogger seems to have lost the list of blogs I'm following, so I'll be a little slow on getting back into things until I get that back. But I hope all is well with each of you, and I'm excited to show off a few of my pictures tomorrow.