Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Moving on ... sort of

OK, so the doctor’s office called me back this morning to let me know that the doctor had already put in the Clomid prescription for me, and that I should take it on CD 3-7. So way too late this cycle (today is CD 6). I’ll probably go get the prescription today, though – I’m hoping that will not only give me hope, but also get me excited about future cycles and less focused on this one.

We’ve decided to do nothing at all this cycle – besides the SHG next Monday and our consult, but those aren’t specific to THIS cycle. No POAS, no medications (obviously), no even rough timing of BMS, no 2ww, nothing. Just relax and have fun.

We’re going up to a cabin in a TINY town in the mountains for New Year’s, with a nice jetted bath tub, kitchenette, king-sized bed, and DVD player. Awesome. I’m excited. We’ll spend our days skiing, our afternoons lounging, we’ll just have fun. Then next weekend we go to San Diego for my conference (which will be anything BUT relaxing). In the meantime, and afterwards, I have a LOT of housework to do, immigration work (also somewhat stressful), and I have to finish L’s Christmas present (yikes). So I have a lot of other stuff to worry about.

So for the now the plan is SHG on Monday, consult with RE on Tuesday. Unless the SHG shows something or someone recommends against it, we’ll start with Clomid on the next cycle, which is around January 22. Which would put our BMS time right around when we leave for Italy (I wonder how that would affect the OPKs?), and our HPT time (argh, trying not to jinx myself) around when we would come back from Italy. That might be stressful.

Ok, calm down. At least I don’t feel like crying constantly. Just occasionally today.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'm stupid

MORNING: Had spotting the same day as my last post (last Tuesday). AF arrived on Christmas Thursday (Merry Christmas everyone!). Depression didn't really set in right away. It was all the friends I spoke with whose sisters, sisters-in-law, other relatives, and friends are pregnant or have new babies that started to get to me. The conversation veers dangerously toward topics that I fervently don’t want to discuss among friends, and I wonder how often it used to do that and I was blissfully unaware.

I spoke with a neighbor (whose name I forget because I suck like that). He and his wife had a baby girl, born in October at 28 weeks. She just came home from the hospital. I didn’t even know about it. I wonder about their story, but I don’t know if I’ll ever know.

We got ANOTHER bill for the HSG, this one from the radiology lab. $1600. HOLY FREAKING CRAP. L and I are both pissed, and I can’t help feeling that he feels like this is somehow my fault. It makes me cry to think about it. Also, it is apparently my job to somehow fix the problem, and I don't know how. I guess I'll be a double failure. An expensive double failure.

We’re going to the Davis Infertility Clinic for a consultation. Next Tuesday, January 6. I’m cancelling the SHG. The doctor is supposed to call me today anyway, but I don’t know if she will. Either way, I’m calling to cancel. I’ve already started filling out the forms for the clinic. I’m actually kind of excited. It’s the only thing keeping me from not crying right now. I wish we had just gone with them earlier.

AFTERNOON: Argh, things just get more and more complicated. The doctor called, and was amazed at how much the HSG had cost. She told me I should call and argue about it. I’m tired of this.

She also said she was willing to just prescribe Clomid for me. I asked about the SHG, and was told that it would cost between $200 and $600, and the doctor’s visit would be $100-$300, so the total would be $300-$900. I think it might be too late to do Clomid this cycle. I’m also worried that it will be too late for the SHG, since it will be CD 12. Which seems a bit late.

I’m now waiting for her to call me back so I can ask about all these questions.

On a side note, I posted a question on an IF blog which has a weekly QandA with an RE. He said that they might check for a luteal phase defect, meaning the period between O and AF is too short, which could be evidenced from my spotting. The spotting could also be a polyp. Ugh. Anyway, there are two ways to treat a LPD (or so I’ve found in my 5 minutes of web-searching) – Clomid and progesterone. Clomid is also commonly prescribed for unexplained IF. So maybe it’s the way to go anyway.

Will try to update again if/when the doctor calls me back.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Almost Christmas!

So just a quick update. Had some pretty awful digestional distress after dinner last night, which seems to have carried over to this morning (probably something to do with the cookie I ate after breakfast). I'm dreading eating my leftovers for lunch at this point.

Also, the digestional feelings feel a bit like cramps. Which is freaking me out a bit.

Also, I realized that for whatever reason, I circled Thursday as D-Day for AF. It's actually the earliest possible day based on my typical time-frame of 27-30 day cycles. Thursday would be CD 27. So in total theory, spotting could start today. Or as late as Friday. And AF could arrive as late as Sunday. So I won't even allow myself to think of a HPT until Sunday at least. Monday or Tuesday would be even better. Although the negative thinker in me says that I will be using my Diva Cup long before then.

And that's about it. Will update as I feel like it. I hate this stupid 2ww, but it would all be so worth it to have a BFP.

Update at 2:39 pm: Bboobs are definitely feeling sore today. Trying very hard not to get hopes up.

Monday, December 22, 2008


My doctor/hospital is/are unbelievable. I'm SO upset about our doctor bill. We went in for the test, the HSG, and they quoted us around $650 and said we'd get a 40% discount if we paid right then. So we paid. Now we get a bill that has the HSG on there, and something else called a sonohyster (I think it's cut off at that point). I'm scheduled for a sonohysterogram (SHG) in January. Sounds like the same thing, right? And it's $1440!!!!!!! Holy crap! And we don't get the benefit of the discount, since we of course didn't pay it up front.

I called the OBGYN, and they had no record of the bill (the HSG was actually done at the hospital, not at their office), and they confirmed that I was scheduled for an SHG in January. So I called billing. First they said that the two charges are for the same thing - they're just two separate parts. And I said why did they only charge us for the $650 one then, if we wanted to pay up front? Why didn't anyone even mention that there would be another charge for $1400? So then she said she would have to look into what happens when they quote you one thing and then charge you something way more, but that we'd probably have to pay it. And then I said, btw, I'm scheduled for a sonohysterogram in January (which I'm probably now cancelling because it costs SO FREAKING MUCH), but doesn't it therefore seem likely that I didn't just have one this month?

So then she said she didn't know, and would have to log some sort of question in for me, it probably wouldn't get answered until January, and in the meantime, I wouldn't have to pay. I can't believe it. I spent all that money and time trying NOT to get pregnant for years. What a waste!

Anyway, only 3-4 days until AF is expected. Only 2 days until I expect to start spotting. Yikes. The doctor is out all this week, and should call me on Monday, so by then I may feel quite differently. I’ll probably share my concerns about costs and ask her about ALL of my options. I think she should at least talk to me about what she thinks before scheduling me for these ridiculously expensive tests.

I worked like crazy on my Christmas gifts this weekend, without a moment to spare for obsessing, of course, but also for cleaning, errands, laundry, etc. Things are a disaster. So even though I got a LOT done on my gifts, I should have plenty to do to keep me distracted this week.

Tonight is rock climbing and painting (and cookie-making?), tomorrow night chores and grouting. Wednesday we go to my mom’s, deliver cookies, and celebrate Christmas. Thursday will be a slow, lazy day.

OK, now I’m just rambling. Looking forward to a few days off, even if they end up sucking for obvious reasons.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


OK, let’s start over. Dealing with infertility. See the previous post for a clue about what I’m talking about. At my age (30) infertility is defined as being unable to conceive after one year of trying. The point I was trying to get at is that it’s not like there’s some invisible line I am right now crossing. I’ve been aware that we’re ttc, and every month gets a little more worrisome, a little more stressful, a little more sad, but as I reach that one-year point, I realize that really I’ve been dealing with infertility all along. I just didn’t always know it.

Anyway, I’ve given up on POAS this month. I don’t know why I’m getting so blasé about it, but I am. It’s part of me, perhaps, that thinks that the obsessing hasn’t really helped, and so perhaps being blithe and carefree (um right) will change something. Anyway, not obsessing has been rather nice.

Unfortunately, not obsessing is actually a result of my incredibly stressful work and pre-holiday schedule. So I’m still a bit worried about this cycle. And then … the big SHG. I think that when I call the doctor to either verify or reschedule that, I’ll try to talk to her about our options.

So anyway, we're down to a one-week-and-change wait. God, I hate the 2ww.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dealing with infertility

Am I dealing with infertility? I'm not really sure what that means. I get up every day, I do all the things I normally do (plus sometimes a few extra things like POAS), and I agnonize over things my hubby is totally calm about. Wasn't I dealing with infertility for the last few months, before we reached the final "month 12"?

Eh never mind. I can't form a coherent thought today, I'm way too busy at work and majorly stressed about Christmas gifts. The amount of stress I was feeling yesterday was extremely NOT GOOD for my fertility issues. So then I started stressing about how much I'm stressing. Crap.

Anyway, I think my positive OPK was Thursday/Friday. Which makes me nervous that we didn't really cover our bases this month, since we didn't BD after Thursday. What if I didn't O until Sunday? Argh!!!!

My mantra seems to be "too early is better than too late".

Well, only about a week and a half until I should either know for sure that it's negative, or just keep wondering. Sigh.

Friday, December 12, 2008

POAS hell


Deciphering this stupid OPKs is SO FREAKING HARD. Last night looked positive, but I couldn't quite tell. Today at lunch - looked positive, but I couldn't quite tell.

I guess we'll just keep covering all the bases.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Scratch that

8:30 am

So ignore what I said yesterday about OPK and POAS. Well, don't ignore it. But consider that I POASed last night at 10pm (because I forgot) and got a fairly dark line. Not a positive. But ... well, I'm hopeful. I'll have to keep L busy for the next few days =) Will update during the day about POAS for today.

1:30 pm

Did my POAS thing at noon. Got an almost positive or positive (it was really hard to tell). So happy that we took care of things yesterday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Feels like I'm standing still

3rd day of POAS. Still pretty much nothing. A bit weird b/c I was expecting O on maybe Friday/Saturday, so I would think I'd start getting some fade-in lines already. Weird.

So the doctor called me back the other day. She told me that since I was being so persistent, I could do another test that would tell them what my uterus looks like, since they didn’t get a good look at the HSG. She didn’t tell me what the test was, though, and I was on my way to the train station so I didn’t want to schedule it yet.

I was a little irritated with the “persistent” comment. Who wouldn’t be persistent? Also, I thought she’d talk more about what to expect, future plans, etc. She seems convinced I don’t have a problem, so she doesn’t even address the possibilities. I’m frustrated.

Anyway, I called and scheduled the appointment, but it’s borderline too late for next cycle, depending on when I get AF. The test is a sonohysterogram, which in my opinion is a bit redundant after the HSG (and confusing since it’s a SHG). I think I will keep the appointment for now, see if and when I get AF, and then possibly reschedule for the following month.

On the other hand, if we just got a diagnosis of unexplained fertility, maybe we could start on some medication. I really don’t mind waiting a couple more months, but I don’t want to wait too much longer. At this point, I’ll be 31 at the earliest if we have a baby. If we really do have a problem, maybe 32 or 33, and if we decide to have more than one, who knows how old I’ll be at that point? I don’t want to be heading towards 40 for a second or possibly third child (or heaven forbid a first, still).

So many of the bloggers I’m reading are pg after years of IF and they’re in their 20’s. That scares me. I know I’m not old, but I only have a few years left before my age is automatically a factor. That scares me too.

I am feeling rather tired and weary of this whole thing. I hope I can enjoy the holidays, keep busy, and stop worrying about it all. Unfortunately, after the holidays, there’s nothing much to distract me. And the next cycle’s O date is right around when I have to give a presentation to a room full of people at a big conference. Talk about stress!

Well, here’s to wishful thinking for a wonderful Christmas present.

Monday, December 8, 2008

POAS, rinse, repeat

First day of OPK POAS. Extremely faint line. I'm predicting a positive around Friday, give or take a couple days. I’m tired of POASing.

I called the doctor’s office this morning, too, but I got a message saying there was a high volume of calls. I’m not terribly interested in waiting on the phone, especially since there was no hold music and I kept getting suspicious that my cell phone had dropped the call. It was weird. I’ll call again this afternoon.

Although, I’m not sure what I’m going to ask. I hate to go in for an appointment just for her to tell me to wait a couple months. I hope if that’s what she has in mind, she does it over the phone.
I think this month’s two-week wait will be excruciating, but at least we’ll know around Christmas/New Years.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tons of news

There is SO MUCH to write about this week, I don't even know where to start and I'll try not to get bogged down in the details.

First - Davis fertility clinic – yeah, not so much. They don’t diagnose or do tests, they only treat. They farm out the testing to labs, which means we could very well have ended up right back at the Sutter Davis hospital, which seemed silly.

The doctor called me early Wednesday morning (much to my own shock) and ordered an HSG. I was really upset b/c I thought we’d be missing another cycle, but hey! They scheduled us for Friday (this morning). I got a prescription for an antibiotic, which the doctor didn’t tell me when to take (so I spent all day yesterday calling and waiting for a return call).

Long story short, we had the HSG this morning, and everything looks fine. I think that in most ways that’s a huge relief. The HSG itself wasn’t bad at all – I read some stories online, and while most of the writers said they experienced cramping, and some said they had pain, I felt nothing. I did take two aleve this morning, which probably helped, but still. I was nervous, but that was about it.

They used the dye, which I watched on the screen as it went into my (teeny tiny) ute and out through the tubes. Crazy. I didn’t realize how small those particular body parts are, even though I’m sure I’ve seen pictures before. And now I’ve seen my own. Cool. Then they used some sort of oil which the doctors apparently believe can provide a sort of lubricant and increase the possibility of getting pregnant.

So there you go. Really nothing wrong at this point. I’m so relieved in most ways, although once again, it would have been nice to have some minor thing go wrong, have it easily fixed, and voila! No more problems. Still, hopefully this means that with no further treatment or minor medication only, we have a chance.

I’ll probably call the doctor on Monday, and see what she says. In the meantime, I guess I should go buy some more pee sticks and get ready for another month of ttc.

Monday, December 1, 2008

New era

Here’s what my Thanksgiving vacation looked like:

Wednesday – rush around at work, rush to my sister’s office, pack up the car with all these heavy carpet tiles, sit in traffic, get to my mom’s house, unpack the car, start laying carpet, sweep floor with old wooden broom and get painful splinter in hand, communicate with husband several times about whether or not he’s going to come to Roseville that night, discover spotting, husband very sweet but doesn’t want to come, feel depressed and hopeless, brine turkey, have half-way terrible night of sleep in waterbed.

Thursday – clean my mother’s kitchen, work on laying carpet, husband shows up, make bread, make pie, sweep kitchen, notice more spotting, feel depressed, feel stressed, cook turkey, finally finish carpet, put stuff back in family room, host huge number of people for dinner, drink lots of wine, don’t overeat (except for dessert), get painful splinter out of hand, have terrible night of sleep on the floor.

Friday – get period full-on, set up Christmas tree, unpack very basics for Christmas décor, have cramps, have lunch, brave ridiculous holiday crowds to buy some gifts, have more cramps, go out for nice expensive dinner, fall asleep in car on way home, fall into own bed for a fantabulous night of sleep.

Saturday – clean house, weed garden, out for lunch with husband, shopping for friend’s baby shower gift, work on mosaic, make turkey soup, discover that Cricket likes turkey, nice quiet dinner at home, buy books at bookstore (mostly husband), relax on couch to read together, go to bed for another wonderful night of sleep.

Sunday – sleep in, read, clean, early lunch, go stair-climbing and bouldering, bake bread (3 baguettes, 2 focaccias, 8 small French breads, 2 whole wheat loaves), lovely dinner of peperonata and leftover turkey.

TODAY – sucks! I checked the train this morning about 20 minutes before it should arrive (5 minutes before I need to leave) and it says on time (for 7:12). I get to the train station and the automated announcements say that it is arriving at 8:12. I thought, hmmmmm, that’s a little weird, their announcement is an hour off. Gradually, the announcements started getting later (8:14, 8:15, etc.). The train to the bay area pulled up, and EVERYONE on the platform got on. There was no one left waiting for the train to Sacramento. Then I hear the announcement that there is a bus heading to Sac, and sure enough, there everyone is, boarding the bus. People are stowing their bikes under the bus, which I’m not crazy about at all. I biked home, got the car, got the husband, gave the husband a ride to work, and got to work about an hour late. After waking up 20 minutes early.

Then I called the doctor about our IF problems. Doctor is out until Wednesday. I ask about talking to another doctor – they say they’d prefer I talk to my own doctor, but if she doesn’t get back to me on Wednesday, someone else can call me back. So I sent an email to the Davis fertility clinic.

It would have maybe been easier and cheaper to go with them first, and probably less delay and more information up front. It’s so frustrating. My OBGYN is very nice, but her office hasn’t really given us any official information about our situation, and all the info we’ve received has been over the phone after I’ve left a million messages. I feel like I want to be more involved in the process.

So am I infertile now? I’m not really sure, since I don’t know exactly when L and I started trying. I would say probably not until the end of the month under the strict one-year definition. However, for a couple our age who are just shy of a year ttc and still not pg – I’d say yes. So for this month, I’d call us “almost-IF”, and then definitely IF at the end of the month.

I’ll post more when I know more about our options and who we’ll be working with. To complicate the matter, it’s the end of the year, which makes this a pain for insurance purposes, and the holidays probably make it difficult to make appointments.

I’m feeling a strange combination of resignation, calmness, frustration, and impatience. I’m calm because I’m relieved to finally be moving forward and not waiting to see what will happen, but impatient because I have to wait to move forward because the doctors aren’t available! Argh!!!!

More later.