My monitoring ultrasound this morning didn't go as expected. I expected to have one crappy follicle on the left. Instead, on the right, I had one large follice (24x22), one good borderline follicle (around 16), and two slightly smaller ones. The doctor said if it wasn't for the large one, we'd put off triggering another day. She also said that at the size of the three "maybes" there could be mature eggs in all or none of them. So I have 1-4 chances this month.
I honestly was expecting bad news, was braced for it. I am so not in the mood to be hopeful. I've been doing somewhat better with the hopeless attitude of the last few weeks, despite my nearly constant urges to cry. At least I wasn't building up my hopes for a big fall. Which is what I KNOW is going to happen.
I want to continue on my merry way, planning my summer vacation (more on that in a moment), my knee surgery, and my fall/winter IVF. I do NOT (and I WILL NOT) look up a possible due date. NO WAY! This is going to fail, I'm sure of it!
Except, sigh. I'm NOT sure of it any more, and I don't want to feel this way. I want hope to go away and, if not die, at least be comatose for a while. Let me enjoy the beautiful weather and the hopefully relaxing weekends.
As a plus, we're going on vacation! To Alaska! I'm so excited! We were considering yet another trip to Italy to go to a cousin's wedding, and maybe a few days of "real" vacation (i.e. just the two of us, without all the relatives and friends), but it was too last-minute and too expensive and too much time off of work. And we have a friend working up at Denali National Park, and we thought ... let's go! A couple days of hiking, maybe a helicopter trip, a day of fishing, maybe an overnight backpacking/camping trip, who knows? The possibilities are endless.
So ... that's what I'll be focusing on. Planning my vacation. And trying to forget about this stupid IUI.
Just for posterity, and anyone who's curious, today is CD 13, the last day of estrogen, and the day of my HCG trigger shot (tonight at 10:30). IUI on CD 15 (Saturday) at 10:30 am. HCG supplements on CD 16 and CD 19, and progesterone starts CD 19 and goes until the end (CD 29ish).
And to satisfy my curiosity, here's a couple questions for y'all. Do you know (from experience or from reading/learning/research/hearing about it) if those follicle sizes sound good? Is there a chance of more than one egg, and if so, how great of a chance? Is it unrealistic to hope that one big, one medium, and two smaller follicles might mean a higher chance of actually conceiving?
Showing posts with label iui. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iui. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Happy Anniversary to me!
Tomorrow is my anniversary! My husband and I got married two years ago, on a beautiful sunny day in my mother's backyard, my dream wedding. More importantly, I married the best, sweetest guy in the world and I'm so happy that we are still hopelessly in love, 5 years after we met and 2 years after we got married.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Weekend!
I had a weekend full of ups and downs, but right now I'm feeling pretty even-keeled right in the middle. I think it's because I'm right at the beginning of the 2ww.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Friday, April 24, 2009
ICLW failure
I suck. I've been having a hard week and have not managed to leave enough comments for ICLW, although I'm hoping to make up for it by the end of the weekend.
Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.
Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.
I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.
So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.
Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.
Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.
I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.
So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Here we go again - Clomid cycle #3, IUI cycle #2
AF arrived yesterday, more with a whisper than a bang. And in fact, she seemed to be hiding again this morning, although the cramps are still with me. I have my ultrasound scheduled for this afternoon.
My husband, though, that's another matter. He surprised me yesterday by asking about our options after we consider ourselves to be done with IUIs - pretty much only IVF. Then he started talking about all the stuff infertiles hear all the time - that maybe it's not meant to be, IVF is unnatural, and maybe we were meant to adopt some child that needs a good home.
I have a lot more I could say about that, but I don't think I can do it right now. I think it's something that needs a lot more thinking about before I can express it in words. So for now, I'm just going to leave it as it is - just one of our not-so-many options, all options about which I have very mixed feelings.
I'm feeling very sad and weepy today. Hopefully getting to leave work early and spend the afternoon at home after my ultrasound will make me feel better.
My husband, though, that's another matter. He surprised me yesterday by asking about our options after we consider ourselves to be done with IUIs - pretty much only IVF. Then he started talking about all the stuff infertiles hear all the time - that maybe it's not meant to be, IVF is unnatural, and maybe we were meant to adopt some child that needs a good home.
I have a lot more I could say about that, but I don't think I can do it right now. I think it's something that needs a lot more thinking about before I can express it in words. So for now, I'm just going to leave it as it is - just one of our not-so-many options, all options about which I have very mixed feelings.
I'm feeling very sad and weepy today. Hopefully getting to leave work early and spend the afternoon at home after my ultrasound will make me feel better.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Not what I was expecting
Just got back from the RE, and the news was … unexpected. I have two eggs on the right that are ready to go (I think they were 24x22, and 22x21) and one on the left that might make it or might not (around 16x16).
The problem is, we will be out of town for a wedding this weekend, and I expected the IUI to be Monday or Tuesday. Unfortunately, the doctor said it really should be Sunday or we risk the eggs going on their own, before the trigger, because of that biggest one. We’ll be at a wedding in
The doctor gave us three options in her order of preference –
- Do the trigger tonight and come in Sunday morning (driving back during the night Saturday, I guess? That would be REALLY hard - it's a 6-7 hour drive)
- Do the trigger tonight and try the old-fashioned way (since we’re unexplained, well, that might not really be a problem – I guess I will probably just worry about hostile mucus)
- Wait to do the trigger tomorrow and do an IUI on Monday, risking the eggs releasing on their own and missing it.
The doctor said that she wouldn’t miss the wedding or ruin the weekend for the IUI, and I think she’s talked us into option #2. I really hope we don’t regret it.
I would love to get opinions from anyone who’s reading (feel free!), but it will probably be too late to actually help me, since we are about to hop into the car to head to Santa Barbara, and I don’t know if I’ll have internet for the weekend.
Still … what would you do?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Ultrasound tomorrow!
I’m feeling teary-eyed and emotional after reading this post by Kym. It’s so beautiful, she’s an amazing inspiration. She’s also the one who put together the Sock-it-to-Me sock exchange which I’ll be posting about soon.
Monitoring ultrasound tomorrow!! It’s only CD 11, but it is 4 days after my last Clomid pill, which is the same as last time. I definitely like this schedule better, since it makes my cycle slightly shorter. Less wait time makes me happy. Plus it feels more natural to try to time ovulation for CD 14 rather than 15 or 16.
I’m crossing my fingers for at least one big follicle, and hopefully more. I saw this on another blog and realized that it’s true for me, too – this is my last chance to have a baby in 2009. I hope I’m not getting my hopes up too high.
Monitoring ultrasound tomorrow!! It’s only CD 11, but it is 4 days after my last Clomid pill, which is the same as last time. I definitely like this schedule better, since it makes my cycle slightly shorter. Less wait time makes me happy. Plus it feels more natural to try to time ovulation for CD 14 rather than 15 or 16.
I’m crossing my fingers for at least one big follicle, and hopefully more. I saw this on another blog and realized that it’s true for me, too – this is my last chance to have a baby in 2009. I hope I’m not getting my hopes up too high.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Long, whiny post - sorry
My weekends need to stop being so stressful. Seriously. I just wrote a super-long, whiny post and now I've cut it back.
After a week of beautiful weather, it got cold, rainy, and windy this weekend (of course today is bright and sunny again, go figure). I spent Saturday at home doing chores, and then we threw an impromptu dinner party which made a huge mess of our kitchen but which was a lot of fun.
Sunday though – that was the kicker. It almost killed me. I haven’t talked much about my relationship with my mother, and I don’t want to go into it much because then I start whining and I hate it when I whine. We don’t get along well – she’s a very difficult person, spoiled, demanding, controlling, manipulative, and so on. She hates my sister-in-law and makes my brother’s life miserable because of it. She also thinks that it’s the duty of her children to drive to her house (a 45-minute drive for me) whenever she wants and do anything she demands, and if anyone of use refuses (2 out of 3 isn’t enough) the ones who do come get to hear her complain about the ones who didn’t come the whole time.
I know things aren't the way she wants them - my father died quite a few years ago, and her behavior tends to drive everyone else away. And yes, I do feel bad for her and very guilty that her life has turned out this way. Unfortunately, she also feels bad for herself and wallows in her self-pity, pushing guilt trips as hard as she can to try to get people to pay attention to her. It makes any time spent with her very, very stressful.
So to try to make this long story just a bit shorter, I went over there this weekend to clean, in the hopes that she will try to sell her humongous house and move into something more reasonable. In the midst of cleaning her house while she more or less sat there and watched us, she brought up that she really wishes L and I would have a baby.
Um, SERIOUSLY?
Keep in mind that L and I took her to lunch LAST SUMMER to tell her we’d been trying for about 8 months and we were having some trouble, but we were going to start investigating and we’d tell her when we had news. (And by news I meant a pregnancy announcement – no way is she going to know every step of the process).
I’ll try to remember the gist of the conversation from that point onward:
Me: What?!
Mom: I want to know when you and L are having a baby, you ARE still planning to, right?
Me: Um, yes. We told you that.
Mom: I know, but it’s been a while. I want another grandchild.
Me: You already have two.
Mom: I know, I love A (my nephew – she never says she loves my niece – nice), but he needs someone to give him a rivalry.
Me: He has a sister you know.
Mom: She doesn’t rival him, and anyway she loves him, too. He needs a little cousin.
Me: Well, I can’t really do anything about that. You should be happy you have two grandchildren.
Mom: I want my daughter to have a child.
Me: (almost crying by this point)
Mom: I am going to say something and you’re going to get mad (yes, she really says this, all the time).
Me: Maybe you shouldn’t say it then.
Mom: (I can tell she wants to say it, acting like she didn’t hear me) What?
Me: Fine, what do you want to say?
Mom: I think that sometimes when women are really active they have trouble getting pregnant, you know, like in the Olympics (THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE’S BROUGHT THIS UP)(and I’m not exactly an Olympic athlete).
Me: (Sigh). I don’t think that’s the problem – I am in decent shape but I don’t work out that much. You know what actually DOES cause infertility? STRESS. Like you calling me EVERY DAY to complain about my sister-in-law and all your other problems. (Yikes, shouldnt' have said that, probably).
Yeah, things didn’t go so well. She was upset that I blamed her for my problems (even though she had just finished blaming me), not that I completely blame her, I don’t blame anyone. I just know my life would be a lot easier without all the stress caused by her.
ANYWAY - Today is my LAST DAY of Clomid! Monitoring ultrasound on Friday, IUI early next week if all goes well!
After a week of beautiful weather, it got cold, rainy, and windy this weekend (of course today is bright and sunny again, go figure). I spent Saturday at home doing chores, and then we threw an impromptu dinner party which made a huge mess of our kitchen but which was a lot of fun.
Sunday though – that was the kicker. It almost killed me. I haven’t talked much about my relationship with my mother, and I don’t want to go into it much because then I start whining and I hate it when I whine. We don’t get along well – she’s a very difficult person, spoiled, demanding, controlling, manipulative, and so on. She hates my sister-in-law and makes my brother’s life miserable because of it. She also thinks that it’s the duty of her children to drive to her house (a 45-minute drive for me) whenever she wants and do anything she demands, and if anyone of use refuses (2 out of 3 isn’t enough) the ones who do come get to hear her complain about the ones who didn’t come the whole time.
I know things aren't the way she wants them - my father died quite a few years ago, and her behavior tends to drive everyone else away. And yes, I do feel bad for her and very guilty that her life has turned out this way. Unfortunately, she also feels bad for herself and wallows in her self-pity, pushing guilt trips as hard as she can to try to get people to pay attention to her. It makes any time spent with her very, very stressful.
So to try to make this long story just a bit shorter, I went over there this weekend to clean, in the hopes that she will try to sell her humongous house and move into something more reasonable. In the midst of cleaning her house while she more or less sat there and watched us, she brought up that she really wishes L and I would have a baby.
Um, SERIOUSLY?
Keep in mind that L and I took her to lunch LAST SUMMER to tell her we’d been trying for about 8 months and we were having some trouble, but we were going to start investigating and we’d tell her when we had news. (And by news I meant a pregnancy announcement – no way is she going to know every step of the process).
I’ll try to remember the gist of the conversation from that point onward:
Me: What?!
Mom: I want to know when you and L are having a baby, you ARE still planning to, right?
Me: Um, yes. We told you that.
Mom: I know, but it’s been a while. I want another grandchild.
Me: You already have two.
Mom: I know, I love A (my nephew – she never says she loves my niece – nice), but he needs someone to give him a rivalry.
Me: He has a sister you know.
Mom: She doesn’t rival him, and anyway she loves him, too. He needs a little cousin.
Me: Well, I can’t really do anything about that. You should be happy you have two grandchildren.
Mom: I want my daughter to have a child.
Me: (almost crying by this point)
Mom: I am going to say something and you’re going to get mad (yes, she really says this, all the time).
Me: Maybe you shouldn’t say it then.
Mom: (I can tell she wants to say it, acting like she didn’t hear me) What?
Me: Fine, what do you want to say?
Mom: I think that sometimes when women are really active they have trouble getting pregnant, you know, like in the Olympics (THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME SHE’S BROUGHT THIS UP)(and I’m not exactly an Olympic athlete).
Me: (Sigh). I don’t think that’s the problem – I am in decent shape but I don’t work out that much. You know what actually DOES cause infertility? STRESS. Like you calling me EVERY DAY to complain about my sister-in-law and all your other problems. (Yikes, shouldnt' have said that, probably).
Yeah, things didn’t go so well. She was upset that I blamed her for my problems (even though she had just finished blaming me), not that I completely blame her, I don’t blame anyone. I just know my life would be a lot easier without all the stress caused by her.
ANYWAY - Today is my LAST DAY of Clomid! Monitoring ultrasound on Friday, IUI early next week if all goes well!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Should every single Friday post be labeled TGIF? Because seriously, that's how I feel.
Work is kicking my ass. I'm not joking. It's amazing how during a fun weekend, two days speed by in the blink of an eye, but during half a workday, an entire lifetime goes by.
ANYway. I've started the Clomid, last night, I'm not even worrying about side effects this time. If they happen, ok, if they don't, fantastic. It really doesn't matter. I just want this to work so badly.
I haven't even started considering IVF yet and I already feel like a drug queen - this round I'm taking three different drugs using three different methods.
One thing I liked about the last IUI was that for the first half of the cycle, things were so busy. Remembering to take the Clomid, going in for the ultrasounds, doing the HCG shot, then doing the IUI. Then for another 4 or 5 days I was preoccupied with more HCG shots, but then ... nothing. It was like just hanging in space, wondering, trying to pretend I wasn't waiting for something in order to make the waiting more bearable.
Not that almost anyone reading this needs a description of the 2ww.
Anyway, besides the obvious reason that I'm happy about the progesterone because I'm hoping it will make a difference and cover more bases and maybe be the magical thing we've been missing, I'm also happy that I'll have have something to DO during the 2ww. I'll feel like I'm somehow contributing, helping things along, keeping myself busy.
I'll probably also be more pissed off and depressed if it doesn't work. Because what the hell, what in the world do you want from me?! (<----you = the universe)
ANYway. I've started the Clomid, last night, I'm not even worrying about side effects this time. If they happen, ok, if they don't, fantastic. It really doesn't matter. I just want this to work so badly.
I haven't even started considering IVF yet and I already feel like a drug queen - this round I'm taking three different drugs using three different methods.
One thing I liked about the last IUI was that for the first half of the cycle, things were so busy. Remembering to take the Clomid, going in for the ultrasounds, doing the HCG shot, then doing the IUI. Then for another 4 or 5 days I was preoccupied with more HCG shots, but then ... nothing. It was like just hanging in space, wondering, trying to pretend I wasn't waiting for something in order to make the waiting more bearable.
Not that almost anyone reading this needs a description of the 2ww.
Anyway, besides the obvious reason that I'm happy about the progesterone because I'm hoping it will make a difference and cover more bases and maybe be the magical thing we've been missing, I'm also happy that I'll have have something to DO during the 2ww. I'll feel like I'm somehow contributing, helping things along, keeping myself busy.
I'll probably also be more pissed off and depressed if it doesn't work. Because what the hell, what in the world do you want from me?! (<----you = the universe)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Well then
Yesterday turned out to be pretty cool.
The ultrasound went fine, which was a relief. I told the doctor about the spotting and she prescribed progesterone suppositories (thank GOD not injections, don’t think I could have handled that). She also told me to start taking the Clomid on Thursday, CD 3, and my next ultrasound is CD 11. I’m pretty happy to be taking care of things a bit earlier this time around.
Not that the doctor has mentioned her reasoning for any of this. When she sets up my appointments, she sounds so laid-back, it almost sounds like she’s coming up with these ideas out of thin air, like “Hey, I know! Why don’t we do another ultrasound next Friday?” I feel really lucky that I’ve done so much internet researching and blog-reading to know that what she’s doing seems right. I’d hate to constantly be second-guessing my doctor.
So anyway, I didn’t want to drive back to work after the appointment, and I ended up spending several hours working in my vegetable garden. Which was great, even though it’s really too late in the season to be planting some of the things I was planting, but I don’t care. Then I swung by my friend’s apartment, the same friend I keep bringing up in past blog posts, who is pregnant and who I finally told about our problems b/c she and her husband kept putting pressure on us to have kids.
She told me she had something for me, and gestured for me to follow her to their bedroom. Then she gave me (lent me, actually) a beautiful wooden statue of a woman, and said that it was a fertility statue a friend of hers had brought from Africa for her as a gift. She said she didn’t know if it would help, but it couldn’t hurt. I was so touched. It feels great to have someone on my side, who’s rooting for us in real life as well as all the people in the computer.
(A little note to my IRL friend P, who reads here, it’s great to have your support too!)
So thank you to all of you who read, comment, or just think good thoughts for me. I hope I’m being supportive of the rest of the infertility (and related) community, too.
And now I'm ready for Clomid Round 2.
The ultrasound went fine, which was a relief. I told the doctor about the spotting and she prescribed progesterone suppositories (thank GOD not injections, don’t think I could have handled that). She also told me to start taking the Clomid on Thursday, CD 3, and my next ultrasound is CD 11. I’m pretty happy to be taking care of things a bit earlier this time around.
Not that the doctor has mentioned her reasoning for any of this. When she sets up my appointments, she sounds so laid-back, it almost sounds like she’s coming up with these ideas out of thin air, like “Hey, I know! Why don’t we do another ultrasound next Friday?” I feel really lucky that I’ve done so much internet researching and blog-reading to know that what she’s doing seems right. I’d hate to constantly be second-guessing my doctor.
So anyway, I didn’t want to drive back to work after the appointment, and I ended up spending several hours working in my vegetable garden. Which was great, even though it’s really too late in the season to be planting some of the things I was planting, but I don’t care. Then I swung by my friend’s apartment, the same friend I keep bringing up in past blog posts, who is pregnant and who I finally told about our problems b/c she and her husband kept putting pressure on us to have kids.
She told me she had something for me, and gestured for me to follow her to their bedroom. Then she gave me (lent me, actually) a beautiful wooden statue of a woman, and said that it was a fertility statue a friend of hers had brought from Africa for her as a gift. She said she didn’t know if it would help, but it couldn’t hurt. I was so touched. It feels great to have someone on my side, who’s rooting for us in real life as well as all the people in the computer.
(A little note to my IRL friend P, who reads here, it’s great to have your support too!)
So thank you to all of you who read, comment, or just think good thoughts for me. I hope I’m being supportive of the rest of the infertility (and related) community, too.
And now I'm ready for Clomid Round 2.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
CD 1 of IUI #2
Yup, AF is here again. Dammit. Not that I wasn't expecting it after 4 days of spotting, but still.
Of course I'm excited to start IUI #2, but I have to wonder, as always, WTF?! Why can't we do this on our own? We tried plenty of times during the right time period this last month. Why can't they find something wrong with us? What are we missing?
I called and scheduled my baseline u/s for this afternoon. It was weird, they asked if we are doing another Clomid cycle, and I was like, um, yes? Am I supposed to decide that? You guys are the medical people. You tell me!
I mentioned that I had been spotting since Friday, but I don't know how seriously they took it. Needless to say, I'll bring it up at the appointment this afternoon.
So now I have 4 weeks of fun to look forward to - Clomid, injections, ultrasounds, a catheter, and my favorite thing ever (not) - the 2ww!
Please, please, please let it work this time.
Of course I'm excited to start IUI #2, but I have to wonder, as always, WTF?! Why can't we do this on our own? We tried plenty of times during the right time period this last month. Why can't they find something wrong with us? What are we missing?
I called and scheduled my baseline u/s for this afternoon. It was weird, they asked if we are doing another Clomid cycle, and I was like, um, yes? Am I supposed to decide that? You guys are the medical people. You tell me!
I mentioned that I had been spotting since Friday, but I don't know how seriously they took it. Needless to say, I'll bring it up at the appointment this afternoon.
So now I have 4 weeks of fun to look forward to - Clomid, injections, ultrasounds, a catheter, and my favorite thing ever (not) - the 2ww!
Please, please, please let it work this time.
Monday, March 2, 2009
A very brief update
We got back last night and I’m pooped. Exhausted. Happy to be home! Happy to see my kitty! Staggered at the thought of finishing unpacking and working on all the unfinished projects that have been nagging at me forever. Stressed about taxes.
Anyway, it was a nice trip, minus a few little problems. There is not a lot to think about fertility-wise for the moment. We’re not actively trying this month in the sense that we’re not charting, using OPKs, taking medications, or undergoing any sort of fertility treatment, although we ARE keeping half an eye on the calendar just to try to cover our bases (which I guess WOULD be actively trying for fertile people).
Trying VERY hard not to get ANY hopes up for this cycle, since so far our statistics show that we have a 0% chance of getting pregnant. Instead, I’m trying to envision how excited I will be to start IUI #2 when AF arrives.
AF should arrive, and therefore IUI #2 should begin, around March 17-18, which gives me a whole new 2ww. Lovely. Since I’m SO good at waiting.
In the meantime – rain, bridal showers, getting back to life as usual, and a new goal to get in even better shape so I can kick ass in a triathlon this summer, should IUI #2 and whatever comes after not work.
Anyway, it was a nice trip, minus a few little problems. There is not a lot to think about fertility-wise for the moment. We’re not actively trying this month in the sense that we’re not charting, using OPKs, taking medications, or undergoing any sort of fertility treatment, although we ARE keeping half an eye on the calendar just to try to cover our bases (which I guess WOULD be actively trying for fertile people).
Trying VERY hard not to get ANY hopes up for this cycle, since so far our statistics show that we have a 0% chance of getting pregnant. Instead, I’m trying to envision how excited I will be to start IUI #2 when AF arrives.
AF should arrive, and therefore IUI #2 should begin, around March 17-18, which gives me a whole new 2ww. Lovely. Since I’m SO good at waiting.
In the meantime – rain, bridal showers, getting back to life as usual, and a new goal to get in even better shape so I can kick ass in a triathlon this summer, should IUI #2 and whatever comes after not work.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
IUI #1 - BFN
I peed on a stick, even though I saw some faint blood this morning. We wanted to be sure. Are the digital sticks really better? Is it such a great thing to see "Not Pregnant" spelled out like that? I don't really know.
Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.
I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.
Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.
I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.
I don't want to be sad on my vacation.
I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.
Fuck all of this.
Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.
I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.
Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.
I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.
I don't want to be sad on my vacation.
I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.
Fuck all of this.
Monday, February 16, 2009
12dpiui #1
I'm in Italy, and things are really good from every viewpoint except the infertility one. The weather here is extremely cold, but sunny and beautiful. It's really nice to see friends and family here, and my Italian has improved a lot, as it does every visit. I've already spent a day cross-country skiing, and the landscape is absolutely gorgeous under all this snow.
Actually, one thing besides infertility that is not going so well is sleep. I'm terribly jet-lagged, and last night finally managed to get a full 9 hours of sleep, although I had a break from 2am to 5am in which I could not sleep. It sort of reminds me of infertility (maybe tonight it will happen!).
As far as infertility goes - I have had very mild, period-like cramps for days. It's hard to say what it's related to, because I've been terribly dehydrated and jet-lagged, and not feeling top-notch in general, so it could be anything. Last night I had the tiniest amount of spotting. My boobs have been sore for days now. The mixed messages are killing me. But because of the spotting, I'm pretty much expecting AF in the next day or two, although I'm sure the hope won't completely die until it happens, and then it'll hit me hard.
Although in some ways it will be nice, b/c then at least I can drink all the lovely Italian wine that is offered to me.
I'm sorely tempted to take a pg test, but it's only been 8 days since my last HCG injection. If I get a negative it could be b/c it's too early, and if I get a positive, it could be b/c I still have HCG in my system. I know I should just wait it out a few more days, but man! I want to know RIGHT NOW!
Infertility sure brings out the best in me. Instead of actually having children, I start acting like one.
Actually, one thing besides infertility that is not going so well is sleep. I'm terribly jet-lagged, and last night finally managed to get a full 9 hours of sleep, although I had a break from 2am to 5am in which I could not sleep. It sort of reminds me of infertility (maybe tonight it will happen!).
As far as infertility goes - I have had very mild, period-like cramps for days. It's hard to say what it's related to, because I've been terribly dehydrated and jet-lagged, and not feeling top-notch in general, so it could be anything. Last night I had the tiniest amount of spotting. My boobs have been sore for days now. The mixed messages are killing me. But because of the spotting, I'm pretty much expecting AF in the next day or two, although I'm sure the hope won't completely die until it happens, and then it'll hit me hard.
Although in some ways it will be nice, b/c then at least I can drink all the lovely Italian wine that is offered to me.
I'm sorely tempted to take a pg test, but it's only been 8 days since my last HCG injection. If I get a negative it could be b/c it's too early, and if I get a positive, it could be b/c I still have HCG in my system. I know I should just wait it out a few more days, but man! I want to know RIGHT NOW!
Infertility sure brings out the best in me. Instead of actually having children, I start acting like one.
Monday, February 9, 2009
2ww
Only three days until I leave for Italy, wheeeee! The next few days should be quite busy - tonight we visit with friends before we leave, Tuesday I do our last load of laundry, Wednesday we pack. Thursday I sleep in!!!!! We leave for the airport probably around noon on Thursday. Yay!
Which means we land in France Friday afternoon (early Friday morning here) and arrive in Italy Friday evening (still Friday morning here).
So that means right now I have about 9 days left in the 2ww, and when we arrive it will be about 5 days left. Five days full of delicious Italian food and fantastic Italian skiing.
I am determined to put off taking a HPT until Wednesday, February 18, which is both exactly 2 weeks after the IUI and 10 days after my last HCG shot, which is the minimum amount of time for both of those factors. I definitely need to wait for the HCG to clear my system so I don't get a false positive. All of this assuming that AF doesn't come before then, of course.
I did my last HCG shot yesterday (or rather my hubby did). It was supposed to be .5 cc, but we only had about .3 ccs left, probably not even that. Super easy, I'm not worried about having to do this again at all.
I also bought some HPTs - two different kinds, although they're both digital and actually say "pregnant" or, more likely, "not pregnant" rather than doing the two-pink-line thing.
It would be nice to NOT have to buy them before I miss my period (which is my usual modus operandi, which is why I've almost never bought a HPT before) and help avoid getting my hopes up, but my hubby's town in Italy is teensy tiny and there would be no way to buy one there and keep hush hush about it. If they even sell them there. Because really, in a town of 500 people, what girl would buy a pregnancy test at the local pharmacy?
Not to mention, I'd rather have the instructions and everything in my native language
Which means we land in France Friday afternoon (early Friday morning here) and arrive in Italy Friday evening (still Friday morning here).
So that means right now I have about 9 days left in the 2ww, and when we arrive it will be about 5 days left. Five days full of delicious Italian food and fantastic Italian skiing.
I am determined to put off taking a HPT until Wednesday, February 18, which is both exactly 2 weeks after the IUI and 10 days after my last HCG shot, which is the minimum amount of time for both of those factors. I definitely need to wait for the HCG to clear my system so I don't get a false positive. All of this assuming that AF doesn't come before then, of course.
I did my last HCG shot yesterday (or rather my hubby did). It was supposed to be .5 cc, but we only had about .3 ccs left, probably not even that. Super easy, I'm not worried about having to do this again at all.
I also bought some HPTs - two different kinds, although they're both digital and actually say "pregnant" or, more likely, "not pregnant" rather than doing the two-pink-line thing.
It would be nice to NOT have to buy them before I miss my period (which is my usual modus operandi, which is why I've almost never bought a HPT before) and help avoid getting my hopes up, but my hubby's town in Italy is teensy tiny and there would be no way to buy one there and keep hush hush about it. If they even sell them there. Because really, in a town of 500 people, what girl would buy a pregnancy test at the local pharmacy?
Not to mention, I'd rather have the instructions and everything in my native language
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Update on IUI #1
Today is CD 16 (I think?).
Yesterday I ended up having horrible cramping most of the day after the IUI. I ended up taking some pain killers with dinner. Luckily today I feel fine.
Except I have HCG shot #2 tonight. Well, I'm much less nervous than last time. Actually, it wasn't the injection that hurt last time, it was how sore the spot was for the next 24 hours.
I have a lot to keep my mind busy during the 2ww (like my 15-hour flight to Italy), so hopefully the time will FLY by. Only 13 days to go.
Yesterday I ended up having horrible cramping most of the day after the IUI. I ended up taking some pain killers with dinner. Luckily today I feel fine.
Except I have HCG shot #2 tonight. Well, I'm much less nervous than last time. Actually, it wasn't the injection that hurt last time, it was how sore the spot was for the next 24 hours.
I have a lot to keep my mind busy during the 2ww (like my 15-hour flight to Italy), so hopefully the time will FLY by. Only 13 days to go.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Big day - IUI #1
Today's the big day. I'm so ready. I'm MORE than ready.
As a special gift, I logged on to Facebook this morning (b/c I'm "working" from home before the appointment) and saw that my friend from college, who already has beautiful identical twin 3-year-olds, is expecting his third baby with his beautiful wife.
I never thought I would be the crazy jealous infertile type, but I felt, seriously, like I had been kicked in the stomach. Normally I can muster up some happiness for my newly pregnant friends, and recognize that my bitterness is not aimed at the person but rather at the universe, but not today. Today I am bitter not only at the universe but at every. single. person. in it. Except other infertile people, of course.
I'm getting over it, and trying to get excited for my IUI, which is only 2.5 hours away. I'll update later on how that goes.
Update: The IUI went really well!
We went there around 11, but apparently they weren’t done washing L’s sperm yet, so we had to wait almost a half hour. Then they called us back and let me get ready. They brought in a little test-tube with some pink liquid in it and showed us that it was labeled with our names and then went over a few of the results of the SA that they had done. It was great – 120 million before wash, 35 million after, which is I guess fantastic.
After that, they showed me how they drew up the spermies into the catheter and talked us through it while they injected it. Other than the usual discomfort of the speculum, I didn’t feel anything.
Then they spoke with us briefly about our chances (15-20%) and told me to take the extra HCG shots tomorrow and Sunday to trigger my body to keep producing progesterone. Since I usually have spotting before AF, both the Clomid and the HCG should help with that.
And that’s it. I’m officially in the 2ww. I’ll be doing an HPT in Italy around February 18, give or take a few days, and I won’t have much to do infertility-wise until then.
As a special gift, I logged on to Facebook this morning (b/c I'm "working" from home before the appointment) and saw that my friend from college, who already has beautiful identical twin 3-year-olds, is expecting his third baby with his beautiful wife.
I never thought I would be the crazy jealous infertile type, but I felt, seriously, like I had been kicked in the stomach. Normally I can muster up some happiness for my newly pregnant friends, and recognize that my bitterness is not aimed at the person but rather at the universe, but not today. Today I am bitter not only at the universe but at every. single. person. in it. Except other infertile people, of course.
I'm getting over it, and trying to get excited for my IUI, which is only 2.5 hours away. I'll update later on how that goes.
Update: The IUI went really well!
We went there around 11, but apparently they weren’t done washing L’s sperm yet, so we had to wait almost a half hour. Then they called us back and let me get ready. They brought in a little test-tube with some pink liquid in it and showed us that it was labeled with our names and then went over a few of the results of the SA that they had done. It was great – 120 million before wash, 35 million after, which is I guess fantastic.
After that, they showed me how they drew up the spermies into the catheter and talked us through it while they injected it. Other than the usual discomfort of the speculum, I didn’t feel anything.
Then they spoke with us briefly about our chances (15-20%) and told me to take the extra HCG shots tomorrow and Sunday to trigger my body to keep producing progesterone. Since I usually have spotting before AF, both the Clomid and the HCG should help with that.
And that’s it. I’m officially in the 2ww. I’ll be doing an HPT in Italy around February 18, give or take a few days, and I won’t have much to do infertility-wise until then.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I'm now an injection veteran
I did it!
Actually, my husband did it. I had to take my first HCG shot last night at 11pm. It was definitely tough for me to stay up that late. I got everything ready around 10:45 without a problem, but I was shaking. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, so I just asked L if he would do it.
And it went ok. It did hurt a little bit, and it seemed to take forever, and it actually still hurts a bit to touch, but I’m not nearly as freaked out for the next two (which are only half the amount, so they will be twice as fast). I may even try to do the last one myself. We’ll see.
Tomorrow is the big day. I’m crossing my fingers and just about everything else (except my legs, of course).
Actually, my husband did it. I had to take my first HCG shot last night at 11pm. It was definitely tough for me to stay up that late. I got everything ready around 10:45 without a problem, but I was shaking. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, so I just asked L if he would do it.
And it went ok. It did hurt a little bit, and it seemed to take forever, and it actually still hurts a bit to touch, but I’m not nearly as freaked out for the next two (which are only half the amount, so they will be twice as fast). I may even try to do the last one myself. We’ll see.
Tomorrow is the big day. I’m crossing my fingers and just about everything else (except my legs, of course).
Monday, February 2, 2009
Big, huge, ginormous sigh of relief
I had an awesome appointment at the IF clinic this morning. The Clomid did its job, I guess. We saw two nicely sized follicles (too big maybe? 22-23mm) plus one that was borderline – just under the threshold for maturity (~14mm). So, 2-3 possibilities there. Yay! We’re both really excited.
We also got instructed on how to do the HCG shot. They’re NOT intramuscular. Praise God. I don’t know why they include those instructions that freaked me out. They let us practice with real syringes, and I feel pretty comfortable. I’m not sure yet if I’ll do it myself or if Loris will do it, I guess we’ll see how I feel when the time comes. The time, by the way, will come at 11pm tonight.
THEN I have to do two more injections, one on Thursday and one on Sunday. I hope those will be a piece of cake after this first one. They said I’m doing two more to boost my hormone levels.
The IUI is scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. I’m so ready for this. I’m so excited.
I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but I have a question for you. If you’re going through IUI or IVF, or have done so in the past, has your husband or partner come to all of your appointments with you? They’re starting to add up to a lot of missed work.
Or if you haven’t done those treatments yet, but are planning to, will your husband or partner come to all of the appointments with you?
We also got instructed on how to do the HCG shot. They’re NOT intramuscular. Praise God. I don’t know why they include those instructions that freaked me out. They let us practice with real syringes, and I feel pretty comfortable. I’m not sure yet if I’ll do it myself or if Loris will do it, I guess we’ll see how I feel when the time comes. The time, by the way, will come at 11pm tonight.
THEN I have to do two more injections, one on Thursday and one on Sunday. I hope those will be a piece of cake after this first one. They said I’m doing two more to boost my hormone levels.
The IUI is scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. I’m so ready for this. I’m so excited.
I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but I have a question for you. If you’re going through IUI or IVF, or have done so in the past, has your husband or partner come to all of your appointments with you? They’re starting to add up to a lot of missed work.
Or if you haven’t done those treatments yet, but are planning to, will your husband or partner come to all of the appointments with you?
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