Lilypie - Pregnancy

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A sorry start

I had my ultrasound this morning, so I slept in a bit and went for a run.

Past the local elementary school.

I saw all the kids riding their bikes to school, many of them with their parents. I saw the cars pulling up to drop off the kids, the parents talking and laughing to each other. I passed through, crossed the pedestrain bridge over the freeway, against the flow of more and more kids heading to school. Finally I arrived at the park, which was mostly empty at 8:30am. Empty except for the stay-at-home moms and dads, out for walks with their babies, taking them to the playground. I thought how maybe these people would have been my friends, in another life. In a life where I could get pregnant.

I can't seem to make friends where I live. It's a beautiful university town, a wonderful place to live. But it's not a great place for young working singles or couples without kids. It's full of young families, and college students, and older couples. I actually have made some friends - but most of them have gotten pregnant and moved on, or have job offers at other universities in other cities and have no kids to tie them down - so they're moving on, too. It seems like it's only me who is stuck here, in limbo.

The clinic was 45 minutes late, as usual. So much for my hopes of not missing TOO much work. Everything looked good. The doctor handed me my prescription ... for 100 mg of Clomid. I mentioned that I thought we were upping the dose, and she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said no, we were just adding estrogen to make implantation more likely.

This is another left ovary month. Last time, I got only one follicle on the left at this dosage (followed by a big cyst). I don't have ovulatory problems, that I know of - I would likely have one egg without all these medications and ultrasounds. Why am I paying a thousand dollars for a great possibility of having one egg? After a year and a half, it's pretty clear that one egg and some sperm give us about a 0% chance of pregnancy.

I left in tears, and cried all the way to work.

But at least I pretty much know how the next year will go. We'll be on vacation in July, so we'll skip that month. At that point, I think I'll schedule my knee surgery for September/October, and we'll start IVF hopefully in October/November. Which means the earliest I can expect to possibly have a baby is summer 2010.

My life is essentially on hold for a year. What can I do in a year to move towards the life I want? Should I go back to school? My sister is starting a certificate program. Should I do that? I just feel I need to be working for something, heading my life in some direction, since the direction I chose isn't working out. I need to feel a greater purpose in my life again, something beyond spending every weekday waiting for the weekend, and every Sunday night dreading Monday morning. Life HAS to be more than that, doesn't it?

9 comments:

  1. Not sure that you are genuinely asking for advice and not just venting. . . and acknowledging what free advice is worth. . .

    Were I in your position, I would absolutely be working toward some other goals. I think it's a mistake to put life on hold in hopes of being pregnant soon, and I haven't done it. For example, my DH and I continue to plan trips months in the future.

    I am already where I want to be in every other area of my life--career, location, friends/family--so instead I am pursuing hobbies and got another dog. I can't say that continuing to live my life has totally taken my mind off our failure to conceive--far from it--but I know that I won't look back on this time as "wasted," especially in the event that I never get pregnant.

    Just my assvice, for what it's worth.

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  2. I'm sorry about your rough trip past the school. We have an elementary school right behind our house, and I've had some rough mornings stuck in drop-off traffic on my way to work.

    Congratulations, though, on figuring out next steps and putting a timeline in place.

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  3. I can understand how you feel about being stuck. I feel the same way too - that I am stuck in a neverending cycle of fertility treatments that prevent me from living my life or making plans for the future. Just hang in there, and try to do some fun and rewarding things - plan some trips away, visit some friends, go out to dinner etc.
    x

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  4. Sorry about another negative. It also sucks so much to be looking at how far off things are and how far away your dreams seem. I hope things go better and maybe that this month will work. Good luck.

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  5. I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm sending you SO much love.
    *HUGS*

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  6. I just went through the same thing at one point. Infertility is difficult because you have no control over your life and you want some sort of plan and it doesn't help when RE offices are like factories. I scheduled another proper consultation with my RE to get a plan out of him. That way I know what I'm looking at down the line, I can ask all my questions and it offers me some false sense of control. You and I have a very similar record so far. I'm on IUI#3 this cycle as well. I will keep following your progress. Best of luck.

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  7. I forgot to say that I had the same thing happen to me on Clomid. Only got one egg out of it. So they switched me to Femara and I reacted much better on it. I wonder if your doctor would consider that? But it sounds like this might be your last "pill" cycle so I guess it doesn't matter. Also, how much are you exercising? I was a big runner and stopped initially to see if that was affecting my ability to get pregnant and later again because my doctor said that running is definitely a factor and can affect the results.

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  8. Your journey looks so similar to mine! I hope you find success in whatever route you choose, but don't give up! Also, don't take no for an answer, there are many many options out there! Infertility sucks but if you and your husband are like us, it makes you stronger as a couple. Good luck!

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  9. I think I could have written this post today. right down to the difficulty of making friends in this town.

    I think having other goals is healthy as this IF journey can take a long time even if you weren't going to stop treatments for a few months.

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts!