Lilypie - Pregnancy

Monday, June 22, 2009

Rambling and ranting

My IUI on Saturday went pretty well. I guess. The doctor had a hard time getting the catheter in, but after a few tries, I assume all was well. I always have a bit of cramping when the catheter goes in, and for a little while afterwards, but otherwise I felt totally normal.

AND I gave myself my own injection again yesterday! I'm so proud of myself. I am on yet another, different HCG (which apparently doesn't have a brand name? I'm confused about that), and the injections actually hurt. Which is why I wanted to do one myself, to see if it was my husband doing it badly, or the medicine itself. Anyway, it still hurt, so I guess it wasn't my husband. At least I haven't ended up with those awful welts I've had before.

Now I wait until ... Wednesday I think? ... to do the last injection and start the progesterone. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a bunch of dollar store tests and test out the HCG until it's out of my system, but I'm not sure I can really be bothered to do that. I'd rather just wait and try to forget about it.

I change my mind every day about whether I am optimistic or pessimistic. I am having crazy dreams about actually being pregnant, or actually getting a positive pregnancy test, or finding out about a pg test that is made especially for infertiles because ... well, I'm not sure why, or how it was supposed to be different. All I know is I was excited about it in my dream.

~

I had a group of friends over yesterday and we made and canned pickled vegetables, and then had a big delicious dinner. One of the friends is pregnant, and she and her husband were driving me NUTS.

I am not one of those people who will follow every pregnancy rule perfectly, because I think there's such a thing as being too cautious. I will not be stupid and get drunk, or eat raw fish, or go on a rollercoaster, or put anything besides my feet in a hot tub.

But I will probably have occasional sips of wine (especially a TASTE of VERY low-alcohol moscato late in my theoretical pregnancy when it wouldn't really matter), I will not have my husband test the host's meat with a meat thermometer to ENSURE that it is fully cooked while loudly announcing that his wife is pregnant, etc. I will not constantly draw attention to myself lamenting really trivial things that I shouldn't (but probably could) eat while being obviously thrilled that everyone is looking at me and my pregnant belly, all the while KNOWING that another person in the room, whose guest I am, is INFERTILE.

WHY do people behave that way? I know they're excited about having a baby, and I'm really excited for them, but the more I see them, the less I want to be around them because they seem to completely lack any sensitivity. I'm absolutely dreading their baby shower, and I'm considering not going.

The problem is, if/when I finally get pregnant, I want people to be there for me. I don't want to be the jerk who was completely unsupportive of everyone else, and then if it ever happens for me, I expect everyone to celebrate with me even though I wouldn't celebrate with them. I want my kids to grow up with my friends' kids, and turn our adult-themed evenings eventually into family gatherings.

I don't feel I've been as deeply affected by infertility as some others, although it's hard to say. But I think this experience has changed me, not necessarily for the better, and I'm worried about spending the rest of my life bitter and angry and resentful. I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end.

7 comments:

  1. I completely know what you mean about the "over protective" husbands. When my BFF got pregnant her husband wouldn't let her carry ANYTHING. He was constantly making comments about what she could and couldn't eat. It was disgusting! He made the biggest deal when she wanted to try an non-alcoholic beer. I may have been like that as well if not for the IF journey, but you never know who you are around who might be struggling. I think this will make me more causious around people who I don't know there story.

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  2. he tested the meat?!?! seriously?!?

    good luck this cycle. when is your beta?

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  3. Ok, the pickled vegetables sound great. I keep thinking I want to learn how to can pickled green beans and maybe pickled zucchini.
    Sorry about the over protective husband/friend. I think people sometimes truly don't get how hurtful their comments can be. Even if they think they are maybe being helpful. As far as the baby shower you could always come up with some sort of obligation and just privately give a nice card and gift.

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  4. You sound like you're effected by infertility, but you aren't bitter or angry. If she's being THAT annoying, as well as her husband, I think you should just smack them. Not too hard, but hard enough to let them BOTH know they're driving everyone else crazy. And if he starts screaming about his wife being pregnant, you just say "her face isn't pregnant". HA! Wouldn't that be fun?!

    Good luck with your cycle. I'm sending you lots of good juju and praying for you!
    *HUGS*

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  5. "I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end."

    I hope so too.

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  6. Yes, he actually tested the meat that my husband cooked! And when everyone looked at him strangely, he said his wife was pregnant so it was really important. My husband (such a sweetheart) told him his wife could just eat the obviously well-cooked meat from the outside.

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  7. I'm glad that the IUI went well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. x

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Thanks for sharing your thoughts!