Monday, October 27, 2014

Ah, frustrations

Today is turning out to be an interesting day.  I was supposed to get my IUD out this morning, but the doctor's office called less than an hour before my appointment to tell me they had to cancel it because there was a scheduling problem and the doctor was actually not working today.  Grrrrrrr.  I was so angry and disappointed, although I got over it.  It's rescheduled for later this week.

Then.  I had asked my husband to drop the kids off at school, and like a sweetie he did, even though at that point I could have done it since my appointment was cancelled.  He called me a little while later to say he had the kids' naptime sheets because the head teacher had given them to him and asked him to take them home to be washed.  Which makes me really angry.  For a few reasons.  First, they NEVER remember that my kids aren't there on Fridays and therefore we need the sheets on Thursdays.  I'm tired of having to ask, then wait around while the right person is found and then they find the sheets.  Second, I feel like it's ok that they don't get washed every week or even every other week, since they only go three days per week and they don't even nap anymore, they just have 30 minutes of quiet time.  Third, I guess they expected one of us to run right back in with clean sheets, so lucky for us that I don't work, I guess, except I don't HAVE extra sheets for Turtle because the school LOST them a couple weeks ago.  And didn't tell me until several days later, when they told me about how upset he'd been when he had to use borrowed sheets.  I'm getting so annoyed with this preschool.  Grrrrr!!!!  So I got Tadpole's extra sheet, ran to my husband's office to get the dirty sheets, and dropped off a dirty sheet for Turtle and clean one for Tadpole.  I STILL don't understand why they couldn't call or email about this on Friday instead of waiting until the last minute on Monday morning.  I feel partly at fault because I don't ask for the sheets every single Thursday, but sheesh.  Get it together already.  They've been going there part time for a year and a half, they should know my kids' schedule by now.  And communicate better!

While out running these errands, I decided to make a stop at a nearby assisted living place to check it out for my mom.  That went ok, actually it went pretty well from my point of view.  The place is insanely expensive, but really amazingly nice.  I'm not sure how my mom will feel about it.  I'm going to check out a few more, possibly today.  I don't really know what the next step is.  I don't know if my mom's insurance will cover any of this, and I haven't been able to get her to find out what it DOES cover.  I don't know if moving her closer to me is a good or bad idea.  It would be nice not to have to spend most of the day every time we visit, because it's a 45-minute drive each way.  On the other hand, I don't really want to start seeing her a lot more often.  It would be easier for the kids and me to just visit her a couple times a week for 20-30 minutes, not to mention the kids start kindergarten next year and we won't be able to visit on weekdays anymore, and I'm not willing to go there every single weekend.  We camp and ski and hike and all sorts of other things.  I'm not stopping any of that.  But her friends aren't here, she probably wouldn't see much of them anymore, and that would be hard, I'm willing to admit it.  Also, we go to Italy on average once per year, and we're gone for anywhere from 2 weeks to 2.5 months.  My sister lives nearby, so that would help.  My brother and his kids live in another state, though.  I'm tempted to have my mom move up there with them.  They don't really travel, and they really owe my mom in a lot of ways, she's given them so much money and so many things.  I don't know if she'd want to go, though.  But then again, we might not live here forever.  Short term, yes, but mid to long term, we don't really know.  My husband's work might take him away, and we might move to Italy at some point.  Not tomorrow, not next year, probably not for at least 5 years, but eventually it's a possibility.

So.  Anyway.  These things are hard.  On everyone.  I don't even know what else to say.  =(

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

More trouble

And then there was more trouble. This is the only place I feel really safe to talk about it.  I've written about my mom many many many many many times.  I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  She's difficult.  She's toxic.  She's stubborn beyond belief, negative, arrogant, thoughtless, manipulative and just an all-around unpleasant person to be with.  She's fought to control my life and my brother's and sister's lives with guilt and outright manipulation.  To a large degree, it's worked.

She's also obese, addicted to diet soda, and has diabetes which is basically out of control.  I don't think I blogged about her falling out of bed in the middle of the night back at the end of May, right before my sister's wedding.  She couldn't get up and spent the night on the floor, where her housekeeper found her the following morning.  For some reason, it never occurred to her to call anyone (she could reach her phone, I believe).  I had to miss a big chunk of the bachelorette party I planned for my sister in order to spend the entire day with her at the hospital and then accompany her home, but that was ok - she's my mother, after all, and she didn't plan the timing.  But in the hospital she was told by everyone that her diabetes was out of control, that her diet was the single most important thing she needed to change in her life, and that her weight was of course making things much worse.  She acted completely surprised, which seems impossible.  And since then, she has not changed one single thing, except to possibly make things worse.

Her inactivity has gotten so bad that she can barely even walk around her house.  She is extremely obese, I found out today that her BMI is at least 36.  Her feet are swollen beyond belief.  She claims to have no clue why she is doing so badly physically.  Every time I go to her house, there are empty ice cream cartons and diet soda cans everywhere.  I have nagged her about exercise and diet for years.  I've tried to motivate her, I've offered to accompany her, to walk with her, gotten her to sign up for a very senior-friendly gym.  None of it ever works.  I have basically given up.  I accept that you cannot force someone to change who has no desire to actually make any changes.

Today, while visiting her with the kids, she fell and couldn't get up.  I tried to lift her, but she couldn't provide any assistance, she couldn't even get her feet under her.  I can't dead lift 230 pounds.  I called the fire department.  They came and told her she should get one of those devices that calls for help if you fall and can't get up, but she said she didn't need it because she's starting physical therapy next week.  She still magically believes that she will get better without making any effort at all.  Ten minutes after I left for home later this afternoon, she called to say she fell again, and asked me to come back, so I did.  She refused to call the fire department again, so I called her neighbor, who wasn't home but told me which other neighbor could help.  My mom's first time meeting her neighbor was to have him haul her off the floor.  He was a big guy, but could still barely do it.  I was embarrassed for her. 

And I'm at a loss.  I have no idea what to do.  The last time I suggested assisted living, she practically spit in my face.  My brother lives a several hour flight away, and has his own family.  My sister lives nearby but works full time.  Everyone acts like my mom is my responsibility, even though I have small children and a life of my own, and it's a 45-minute drive to her house.  I hate to see her suffer, and I feel bad for her, but I have been struggling to create boundaries and protect myself from her toxicity.  And I don't know what to do in any case.  I would love to move her into a retirement facility, but she would be miserable.  The most precious things in her life really are THINGS ... her furniture, expensive statues, house decorations and knick-knacks, giant closet of clothes, etc.  She has no hobbies, she just likes her stuff.  She's too old to realize that it just weighs her down.

So that is my venting.  And my desperation.  I feel trapped yet again.  I feel like it has reached a point where there is no hope for improvement, either mentally or physically, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  How to you distance yourself from your mother, when she is old and alone and very sick?  But how do you deal with your old, lonely, sick mother when she is such a toxic presence in your life?

Monday, October 13, 2014

Here we go again?

So.  I made an appointment to get my IUD removed.  The first available appointment is not for two weeks and it's with the OB that I like the absolute least, but it's the best I can do.  It's a bit weird to wait for years to make this decision, finally screw up the courage to call for an appointment, and have to wait so long, but hey.  I'll take it.  Keeping my fingers crossed that this will be an easier journey than the last one, that I will be able to accept whatever happens, and that I will be content in my family no matter if it grows or stays the same beautiful size it is now.  I'm not thinking of this as TTC.  It just is what it is.

I imagine I'll probably be writing here again, since this is my most anonymous place and this is not news I feel like sharing with people I know IRL.  I have multiple friends and even my sister who are going through infertility and who actively want to get pregnant.  I don't feel I am in that same place.  And if we don't get pregnant, I don't want it to be a big deal.  So.  Here I am again.  Hopefully blogging will bring me some clarity and peace.

Cheers.  =)

P.S. The OB I will see is the one who delivered my kids, who showed up to work after I had already stopped pushing and stepped in just for the c-section.  So maybe there is some sort of meaning there ... maybe he just shows up for the extremely important moments?

Monday, October 6, 2014

Life keeps going

Well.  I have been away from blogging for a while.  It wasn't a conscious decision, it was just one of those things.  I have a love-hate relationship with blogging, and I needed a break.  I'm still not sure if I'm coming back.  But sometimes I feel like I need a place to share, to unburden my mind, and air my thoughts, and wander through my own brain.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just complaining too much, that my posts are all negative, or that if they're positive, they sound annoying and boastful or preachy.  So I don't know.

Don't get too excited with this next paragraph.  There's no "real" big news.  The somewhat big news is that my husband has told me that he realizes it's not fair for him to unilaterally decide we won't have more kids.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I've had some time to ponder it.  Like, ponder it for real, as if it were an actual possibility instead of a pipe dream that I knew would never happen.  I've been going over the pros and cons in my mind, as I have basically been doing for the last four years since my twins were born (Turtle and Tadpole are 4 now, can you believe it?!?!).  I've written about it many times before, and I don't think I want to review it now, but the main things I want to reiterate is that I have no plans to go back to infertility treatment, and I'm a little terrified of deciding I want another child and failing.  I know my husband is worried about that, too, worried that my resolve to avoid further treatment will weaken and we will be right back in that mess we were in before.

Interestingly, my identical twin sister is now pursuing fertility treatment.  Although her doctors say there is no link between both of us having infertility, especially since mine was unexplained.  So there's that.

So.  I'm working my way towards an answer, and I hope to reach it soon.  Time is ticking.

In the meantime, here are a few points of what's happened this summer:

- We went to Europe (mostly Italy) for 6 weeks, including a week-long vacation in Elba, and a 6-day trip to London to visit friends.  We also stopped in Pisa to see the leaning tower.

- We went camping to Mammoth.  So much fun.

- The kids are back in preschool, and I'm getting mentally ready for them to go to kindergarten next year!

- I'm still looking into career options.  Life is really busy and I'm doing so much work for my husband's company that I don't have a lot of time for my own career at the moment, but I'll get there. 

-. I'm getting back in pretty good shape.  I ran a half-marathon yesterday, my fourth in the last two years.  Half-marathons are really hard.

That's it for now.  I haven't been reading blogs much either, but I may start again.  Although, in general, I'm looking to get away from the computer more.  I need some screen-free time myself.