Time is going so slowly!
It probably doesn't help that I'm so, so sick. I HATE morning sickness. But really, let's call it all-day-sickness. Or all-day-and-night sickness. I haven't vomited, but the nausea, it is killing me. I've been eating sal.tine crackers, but I just switched over to Chee.rios, which is probably good because with the amount I've been eating, I was getting a LOT of extra salt.
I don't think my diet is very balanced at all, because carbs seem to make me feel the best. I'm squeezing in some veggies here and there, too. I'm also kind of realizing that it's going to be hard to avoid the foods I'm supposed to avoid, harder than I thought. They're EVERYWHERE!
So that's life right now - constantly feeling sick and just trying to get through each day. Hopefully we'll have more news on Thursday, at our ultrasound. Less than 48 hours to go!
Showing posts with label endless waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endless waiting. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I thought I was done with this thumb twiddling
I'm not avoiding posting for lack of anything to say, exactly, more like lack of anything interesting to say.
I can't believe how slow this time is going by - it's still two weeks until the ultrasound. Luckily, tomorrow is Friday (sweet, blessed Friday!), and Saturday is very busy, and Sunday is Sunday, and next week is only a 2.75-day week (woohoo!), and then there's Thanksgiving and shopping and lazing around in pajamas and then suddenly it will be ultrasound week. And my ultrasound is on a Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday will be rather tough, I'm sure. But still! I guess it's not too far away after all.
I know what I want to see at the ultrasound, and I'm really hoping it's not too much to ask for. One or two little beans, of appropriate size and with appropriate heartbeats. That's it. Please!
In the meantime, just like last post, I am cramping. I get cramps for 20-30 minutes randomly throughout the day, and then they go away and I feel more or less fine. I'm starting to think that I am feeling some nausea here and there, but if it is, it's so mild that I am not even sure.
How boring, I know. Ultrasound blah blah blah cramps blah blah blah mild nausea blah. Maybe I won't update again until there's actual news.
I can't believe how slow this time is going by - it's still two weeks until the ultrasound. Luckily, tomorrow is Friday (sweet, blessed Friday!), and Saturday is very busy, and Sunday is Sunday, and next week is only a 2.75-day week (woohoo!), and then there's Thanksgiving and shopping and lazing around in pajamas and then suddenly it will be ultrasound week. And my ultrasound is on a Thursday, so Monday-Wednesday will be rather tough, I'm sure. But still! I guess it's not too far away after all.
I know what I want to see at the ultrasound, and I'm really hoping it's not too much to ask for. One or two little beans, of appropriate size and with appropriate heartbeats. That's it. Please!
In the meantime, just like last post, I am cramping. I get cramps for 20-30 minutes randomly throughout the day, and then they go away and I feel more or less fine. I'm starting to think that I am feeling some nausea here and there, but if it is, it's so mild that I am not even sure.
How boring, I know. Ultrasound blah blah blah cramps blah blah blah mild nausea blah. Maybe I won't update again until there's actual news.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
One more day
I had a good weekend, and I've kept myself really busy. Cleaning and organizing the house is going well, and I'm really happy with how things look. If only I could get rid of our filthy carpet, I would be so much happier, but unfortunately that isn't something a renter can do. If there was one thing I should do more often around the house, it's probably vacuuming.
But anyway, talking about cleaning houses is boring. I spent the weekend up in the foothills of the Sierra, hanging out with old friends, spending some quality time with my husband and family, and going for a pretty tough bike ride.
Work is getting worse and worse. Management here consists of a lot of fairly stupid people, which in itself might not be so bad, except they are also vindictive, finger-pointing, ass-kissing, insincere idiots. I am tired of working for people who blame me when they are wrong and take the credit when I am right. I am reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know if I can work here much longer. I have five and a half weeks until I leave for Italy, and I wonder if I can find something else by then.
And of course only one more day until I POAS. And even though I know there is not a good chance it will be positive, I will still be very sad if it's negative. I hope my husband understands that I can't help it, that this isn't easy for me, that I've been through a lot, that the last two months have been especially emotionally difficult, and being sad and crying can be cathartic and healing for me. Thank goodness that tomorrow's a holiday - I need a day off.
But anyway, talking about cleaning houses is boring. I spent the weekend up in the foothills of the Sierra, hanging out with old friends, spending some quality time with my husband and family, and going for a pretty tough bike ride.
Work is getting worse and worse. Management here consists of a lot of fairly stupid people, which in itself might not be so bad, except they are also vindictive, finger-pointing, ass-kissing, insincere idiots. I am tired of working for people who blame me when they are wrong and take the credit when I am right. I am reaching the end of my rope, and I don't know if I can work here much longer. I have five and a half weeks until I leave for Italy, and I wonder if I can find something else by then.
And of course only one more day until I POAS. And even though I know there is not a good chance it will be positive, I will still be very sad if it's negative. I hope my husband understands that I can't help it, that this isn't easy for me, that I've been through a lot, that the last two months have been especially emotionally difficult, and being sad and crying can be cathartic and healing for me. Thank goodness that tomorrow's a holiday - I need a day off.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Struggling
I am hating my job right now. I'm bored out of my MIND. I hate paperwork and bureaucracy, and that's all I do. Worse, I am enforcing regulations that I think are not good policy. I don't like being part of the system.
I've stuck with this job for two years because 1) I kept thinking I'd be a SAHM by now; 2) my boss has been pretty cool with all the time I take off for If appointments, surgery, and trips to Italy; 3) the pay is pretty good; 4) I like the people I work with - most of the time, anyway; 5) I've never worked at a job longer than a year and a half and I wanted something longer-term on my resume.
But this job has no future growth for me. The promotion I have been eligible for since May is being held up due to paperwork issues, and there is no end in sight, while most of my peers have been promoted ahead of me. I've been ttc for almost TWO YEARS with no success. If IUI #4 doesn't work, we don't move onto our next IVF cycle until January/February. I will be stuck here another year at the very least.
I'm feeling down and depressed and unmotivated and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm looking into maybe teaching English as a second language. Right now I'm looking at sitting in a cube until I retire, and I think I need something more exciting to work for. Some sort of goal that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Something that helps me get up each morning looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it.
I'm also giving more serious thought to adoption. I don't know if I can keep going through this shitty emotional roller coaster.
My POAS dreams have already started. I wish they'd stop. I only have eight days to go, and I need a little peace of mind.
I've stuck with this job for two years because 1) I kept thinking I'd be a SAHM by now; 2) my boss has been pretty cool with all the time I take off for If appointments, surgery, and trips to Italy; 3) the pay is pretty good; 4) I like the people I work with - most of the time, anyway; 5) I've never worked at a job longer than a year and a half and I wanted something longer-term on my resume.
But this job has no future growth for me. The promotion I have been eligible for since May is being held up due to paperwork issues, and there is no end in sight, while most of my peers have been promoted ahead of me. I've been ttc for almost TWO YEARS with no success. If IUI #4 doesn't work, we don't move onto our next IVF cycle until January/February. I will be stuck here another year at the very least.
I'm feeling down and depressed and unmotivated and hopeless.
On the other hand, I'm looking into maybe teaching English as a second language. Right now I'm looking at sitting in a cube until I retire, and I think I need something more exciting to work for. Some sort of goal that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Something that helps me get up each morning looking forward to the day, rather than dreading it.
I'm also giving more serious thought to adoption. I don't know if I can keep going through this shitty emotional roller coaster.
My POAS dreams have already started. I wish they'd stop. I only have eight days to go, and I need a little peace of mind.
Monday, November 2, 2009
November
I hate the 2ww.
Hate it hate it hate it.
I am only 5 days into it, and have 9 days to go (I love my little ticker at the top of my page - love it love it love it).
I had a busy, busy weekend, but no plans for this week at all. I'm worried it will go by slowly. I tend to break up long waits into manageable chunks of time. The first chunk was getting through the weekend, which was easy.
Now I have to get through to Friday, which is hard enough under normal circumstances (maybe I'll just try to be extra-productive this week, hahahaha). Then I have to get through next weekend, which should be a bit easier (but getting closer to D-Day, which makes it hard). And then I have two weekdays which will probably be REALLY hard. November 9 and 10, I've got to figure out a way to make them go quickly.
Only 9 days. 5 days, then 2 days, then 2 days. No problem. Ha. Maybe I'll try to break the 5 days down into some sort of milestone.
Regarding IUI #4 - insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. At least I'm not really expecting a different result, so I guess I'm not technically insane. Right?
Hate it hate it hate it.
I am only 5 days into it, and have 9 days to go (I love my little ticker at the top of my page - love it love it love it).
I had a busy, busy weekend, but no plans for this week at all. I'm worried it will go by slowly. I tend to break up long waits into manageable chunks of time. The first chunk was getting through the weekend, which was easy.
Now I have to get through to Friday, which is hard enough under normal circumstances (maybe I'll just try to be extra-productive this week, hahahaha). Then I have to get through next weekend, which should be a bit easier (but getting closer to D-Day, which makes it hard). And then I have two weekdays which will probably be REALLY hard. November 9 and 10, I've got to figure out a way to make them go quickly.
Only 9 days. 5 days, then 2 days, then 2 days. No problem. Ha. Maybe I'll try to break the 5 days down into some sort of milestone.
Regarding IUI #4 - insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. At least I'm not really expecting a different result, so I guess I'm not technically insane. Right?
Monday, July 6, 2009
What to do next?
I had a pretty good weekend in Tahoe, but I can promise you, I will never go to Tahoe on the 4th of July every again! Traffic was terrible - I spent over 7 hours in my car for an overnight camping trip. It was fun hanging out with my friends and meeting new friends, but I really missed my husband and wished I was with him. I also spent a good 20 minutes in the car on the way up, bawling. I was hoping I wouldn't get pulled over and the cop would think I was crying to get out of a ticket.
I haven't had time to catch up on blogs and comments yet, but I will within a day or two.
In the meantime, reality is setting in rather slowly. It's been a good, solid year and a half of ttc, with tons of testing, a diagnosis of "unexplained", 3 IUIs, and one medicated DIY cycle. It's time to admit that we just can't do this on our own, and we need a nice friendly doctor to introduce our sperm and eggs to each other, and perhaps force them to get along.
As with all things in life, though, it's just never that simple. I have a job I don't like, and which I now know I will be at for another year at least. I have a knee that is going to need surgery sooner or later. I'm about to turn 31, which is not terribly old in terms of ttc, but it's older than I hoped to start having children in my vague life plan. I have a vacation to Alaska coming up, a triathlon to do, and a husband to send off to Germany for a conference in September. Most of all, I have a yearning in my heart to have a baby, just get on with this and get to where I want to go, to stop all this delaying and messing around and really get serious about it.
So here I am.
Plan A - go to Alaska in August, send the husband to Germany in September, have my knee surgery in October, and start IVF ASAP after that, probably end of October or first half of November. Earliest possible date of 9 months after IVF would be approximately July 2010 - one year from now. Possibly look for another job, but with surgery, IVF, and a two-week Christmas vacation in the works, who would hire me?
Plan B - still working on it. Go to Alaska in August. Send husband to Germany in September. Try to squeeze in a round of IVF between August 10 and late September (is this possible?). Forget about triathlons after July (no problem), postpone knee surgery until another year, but still plan to go to Italy for Christmas.
There are so many variables that it's impossible to figure out.
Insurance - does not cover anything IF-related, but will cover knee surgery 100% because we've met our deductable this year. If we put it off another year, we might have to pay thousands of dollars for knee surgery.
Timing - I don't know enough about IVF to know if the timing will work out this summer, between our vacation and my husband leaving for the conference. If we have to wait until after his trip, I feel like I might as well wait another month and have knee surgery. If we don't have to wait until after his trip, then I might want to just get started right away.
PIO - I'm terrified of it. Not so much that I won't do IVF, but enough to make me dread it.
My job - I hate it, but I don't think I'm going to have an option to change with all this going on in my life.
I will be reading about IVF in Navigating the Land of IF, but if anyone has any advice, as always, it will be gratefully accepted.
I haven't had time to catch up on blogs and comments yet, but I will within a day or two.
In the meantime, reality is setting in rather slowly. It's been a good, solid year and a half of ttc, with tons of testing, a diagnosis of "unexplained", 3 IUIs, and one medicated DIY cycle. It's time to admit that we just can't do this on our own, and we need a nice friendly doctor to introduce our sperm and eggs to each other, and perhaps force them to get along.
As with all things in life, though, it's just never that simple. I have a job I don't like, and which I now know I will be at for another year at least. I have a knee that is going to need surgery sooner or later. I'm about to turn 31, which is not terribly old in terms of ttc, but it's older than I hoped to start having children in my vague life plan. I have a vacation to Alaska coming up, a triathlon to do, and a husband to send off to Germany for a conference in September. Most of all, I have a yearning in my heart to have a baby, just get on with this and get to where I want to go, to stop all this delaying and messing around and really get serious about it.
So here I am.
Plan A - go to Alaska in August, send the husband to Germany in September, have my knee surgery in October, and start IVF ASAP after that, probably end of October or first half of November. Earliest possible date of 9 months after IVF would be approximately July 2010 - one year from now. Possibly look for another job, but with surgery, IVF, and a two-week Christmas vacation in the works, who would hire me?
Plan B - still working on it. Go to Alaska in August. Send husband to Germany in September. Try to squeeze in a round of IVF between August 10 and late September (is this possible?). Forget about triathlons after July (no problem), postpone knee surgery until another year, but still plan to go to Italy for Christmas.
There are so many variables that it's impossible to figure out.
Insurance - does not cover anything IF-related, but will cover knee surgery 100% because we've met our deductable this year. If we put it off another year, we might have to pay thousands of dollars for knee surgery.
Timing - I don't know enough about IVF to know if the timing will work out this summer, between our vacation and my husband leaving for the conference. If we have to wait until after his trip, I feel like I might as well wait another month and have knee surgery. If we don't have to wait until after his trip, then I might want to just get started right away.
PIO - I'm terrified of it. Not so much that I won't do IVF, but enough to make me dread it.
My job - I hate it, but I don't think I'm going to have an option to change with all this going on in my life.
I will be reading about IVF in Navigating the Land of IF, but if anyone has any advice, as always, it will be gratefully accepted.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I did it! (13 dpo, 1 day to go)
I resisted peeing on a stick this morning! I just had to distract myself until after I peed, and then it was too late. Mostly because I had to leave for work and wanted to be with my husband when I do it, and I didn't want to wake him. I'm so thoughtful. (OK, maybe I don't want to be with him while I'm peeing, but right afterwards ... well, you know what I mean ... ).
Now I'm having a ridiculously shitty morning at work, and wishing I was still at home in bed. Meanwhile, everyone else I know has the day off and Sacramento seems to be deserted. Kind of ironic that I'm a government worker and I am at work while everyone else is on vacation. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
I actually feel nauseated this morning, but I think it's because of stress at work and nothing (in)fertility related. I wish I could press the fast-forward button, at least so it was 4:30 and I could get out of this office, go home, relax, and spend the evening with the best guy in the world who is at home waiting for me.
I hope you all have a fun, happy, relaxing holiday weekend. Cheers.
(P.S. I was a little surprised by the comments to my last post about how few of you are skiers - I had no idea the percentage of skiers was so small. The interesting things you learn from blogging, huh?)
(P.P.S. I learned to do ski mountaineering because my husband grew up doing it in the Alps. It's much more common in Europe than it is here, which is why even most regular downhill skiers have no idea what it is. It's also called "backcountry skiing" and "randonee", and probably has other names, too.)
Now I'm having a ridiculously shitty morning at work, and wishing I was still at home in bed. Meanwhile, everyone else I know has the day off and Sacramento seems to be deserted. Kind of ironic that I'm a government worker and I am at work while everyone else is on vacation. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
I actually feel nauseated this morning, but I think it's because of stress at work and nothing (in)fertility related. I wish I could press the fast-forward button, at least so it was 4:30 and I could get out of this office, go home, relax, and spend the evening with the best guy in the world who is at home waiting for me.
I hope you all have a fun, happy, relaxing holiday weekend. Cheers.
(P.S. I was a little surprised by the comments to my last post about how few of you are skiers - I had no idea the percentage of skiers was so small. The interesting things you learn from blogging, huh?)
(P.P.S. I learned to do ski mountaineering because my husband grew up doing it in the Alps. It's much more common in Europe than it is here, which is why even most regular downhill skiers have no idea what it is. It's also called "backcountry skiing" and "randonee", and probably has other names, too.)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
11 dpo, 3 days to go
Time is flying during this 2ww, I can't believe it. I'm just so crazily busy.
Yesterday my sister drove me home from work and dropped in on my master's swim practice. I think she really liked it. I have to say, after being a high school swimmer (and summer rec team swimmer), I felt really adrift after graduating. I have plenty of friends who played soccer or other sports and can join work teams or recreational teams. I'm so grateful that master's swimming exists, because otherwise it's impossible for adult swimmers to have the same thing.
My garden is doing great and keeping me really busy. I have two red cherry tomatoes, and tons of green beans. I pick them every other day and bring home a big bag. My husband is starting to get nervous about how many green beans we're going to be eating this summer.
Work is busy, too, which is the best thing possible. I have so many hobbies and interests outside of work, in addition to chores, that I never have time to be bored, but when you don't like your job and you sit at a desk in a cubicle all day, the 2ww can seem really, really long. I'm really happy when I'm busy enough to make the time pass a little more quickly.
I'm only three days away from finding out if we have to do IVF. It's a huge thing, especially because it will determine a lot of other things, such as my potential knee surgery and maybe even our Christmas plans.
One of the things I HATE about the night of the 13th day past IUI is not being able to sleep and having pregnancy dreams all night.
I'm really nervous.
Yesterday my sister drove me home from work and dropped in on my master's swim practice. I think she really liked it. I have to say, after being a high school swimmer (and summer rec team swimmer), I felt really adrift after graduating. I have plenty of friends who played soccer or other sports and can join work teams or recreational teams. I'm so grateful that master's swimming exists, because otherwise it's impossible for adult swimmers to have the same thing.
My garden is doing great and keeping me really busy. I have two red cherry tomatoes, and tons of green beans. I pick them every other day and bring home a big bag. My husband is starting to get nervous about how many green beans we're going to be eating this summer.
Work is busy, too, which is the best thing possible. I have so many hobbies and interests outside of work, in addition to chores, that I never have time to be bored, but when you don't like your job and you sit at a desk in a cubicle all day, the 2ww can seem really, really long. I'm really happy when I'm busy enough to make the time pass a little more quickly.
I'm only three days away from finding out if we have to do IVF. It's a huge thing, especially because it will determine a lot of other things, such as my potential knee surgery and maybe even our Christmas plans.
One of the things I HATE about the night of the 13th day past IUI is not being able to sleep and having pregnancy dreams all night.
I'm really nervous.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
10 dpo, 4 days to go
I keep forgetting that I have that little ticker at the top of my screen, counting down the days for me. Somehow Saturday seems like more than 4 days away.
Some friends have been planning a 4th of July camping weekend at Lake Tahoe. I originally told them my husband and I would be interested, but then he said he couldn't go because he has to work.
Unlike most of my friends, who are driving up to the mountains on Friday, I don't get Friday off. Instead, I get a holiday credit to use whenever I want,and considering vacation plans, upcoming knee surgery, IVF, and Christmas in Italy, I need to save those days whenever I can. Also, I want to be home Saturday morning to do the HPT, I'd really rather not do it in a tent. Even more importantly, I want to be with my husband when I do it.
But I don't really want to sit around all weekend while my husband is working. So I've almost decided to drive up by myself on Saturday, after testing, and spend the weekend with my friends. I'm not a big 4th of July fan, but my husband is not American and REALLY doesn't care.
And if the test is negative, as it almost certainly will be, I really don't want to be sitting around at home while my husband works and my friends are partying and hiking at Lake Tahoe. That will be so depressing.
I think I just talked myself into it for sure. Lake Tahoe here I come!
... in 4 more days. Sigh.
Some friends have been planning a 4th of July camping weekend at Lake Tahoe. I originally told them my husband and I would be interested, but then he said he couldn't go because he has to work.
Unlike most of my friends, who are driving up to the mountains on Friday, I don't get Friday off. Instead, I get a holiday credit to use whenever I want,and considering vacation plans, upcoming knee surgery, IVF, and Christmas in Italy, I need to save those days whenever I can. Also, I want to be home Saturday morning to do the HPT, I'd really rather not do it in a tent. Even more importantly, I want to be with my husband when I do it.
But I don't really want to sit around all weekend while my husband is working. So I've almost decided to drive up by myself on Saturday, after testing, and spend the weekend with my friends. I'm not a big 4th of July fan, but my husband is not American and REALLY doesn't care.
And if the test is negative, as it almost certainly will be, I really don't want to be sitting around at home while my husband works and my friends are partying and hiking at Lake Tahoe. That will be so depressing.
I think I just talked myself into it for sure. Lake Tahoe here I come!
... in 4 more days. Sigh.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
POAS
I didn't POAS. I'm still giving myself HCG supplemental injections, so I'd get a positive for sure.
But I went to the dollar store to buy at least a few HPTs (or maybe more if I wanted to test out the HCG), and they didn't have any! Where the HPTs had been were now piles and piles of OPKs! I mean, WTF? Probably some idiot had no idea there was a difference. The dollar store variety of HPTs and OPKs look pretty much the same, only the name on the box is different. What a bunch of morons.
So I will not be testing out the trigger, and I WILL be waiting for the 4th of July to test. Although - when I had the IUI, it was with a different doctor and nurse than I usually see because it was on a Saturday. And she said, as we were walking out the door, "Make sure you don't test before 16 days!"
Um ... really? Because I thought 14 was pretty standard. Whatever, I'm testing anyway.
I was so sure I'd be able to maintain my zen from last cycle, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm impatient, irritable, and cranky. I'm usually annoyed with most of the people around me, including my wonderful husband. And I know that next week is going to be much worse.
I am so very happy for all the bloggers who are getting BFPs right now. Especially since many of them are third-time IUIers, and that gives me so much hope. Still, psychologically, I'm having a hard time with the fact that most of the blogs that I follow have transitioned, in the last 2 days to 5 months, from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs. But I'm trying to be optimistic and think that maybe that means that my turn must be coming soon, too.
But I went to the dollar store to buy at least a few HPTs (or maybe more if I wanted to test out the HCG), and they didn't have any! Where the HPTs had been were now piles and piles of OPKs! I mean, WTF? Probably some idiot had no idea there was a difference. The dollar store variety of HPTs and OPKs look pretty much the same, only the name on the box is different. What a bunch of morons.
So I will not be testing out the trigger, and I WILL be waiting for the 4th of July to test. Although - when I had the IUI, it was with a different doctor and nurse than I usually see because it was on a Saturday. And she said, as we were walking out the door, "Make sure you don't test before 16 days!"
Um ... really? Because I thought 14 was pretty standard. Whatever, I'm testing anyway.
I was so sure I'd be able to maintain my zen from last cycle, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm impatient, irritable, and cranky. I'm usually annoyed with most of the people around me, including my wonderful husband. And I know that next week is going to be much worse.
I am so very happy for all the bloggers who are getting BFPs right now. Especially since many of them are third-time IUIers, and that gives me so much hope. Still, psychologically, I'm having a hard time with the fact that most of the blogs that I follow have transitioned, in the last 2 days to 5 months, from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs. But I'm trying to be optimistic and think that maybe that means that my turn must be coming soon, too.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Rambling and ranting
My IUI on Saturday went pretty well. I guess. The doctor had a hard time getting the catheter in, but after a few tries, I assume all was well. I always have a bit of cramping when the catheter goes in, and for a little while afterwards, but otherwise I felt totally normal.
AND I gave myself my own injection again yesterday! I'm so proud of myself. I am on yet another, different HCG (which apparently doesn't have a brand name? I'm confused about that), and the injections actually hurt. Which is why I wanted to do one myself, to see if it was my husband doing it badly, or the medicine itself. Anyway, it still hurt, so I guess it wasn't my husband. At least I haven't ended up with those awful welts I've had before.
Now I wait until ... Wednesday I think? ... to do the last injection and start the progesterone. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a bunch of dollar store tests and test out the HCG until it's out of my system, but I'm not sure I can really be bothered to do that. I'd rather just wait and try to forget about it.
I change my mind every day about whether I am optimistic or pessimistic. I am having crazy dreams about actually being pregnant, or actually getting a positive pregnancy test, or finding out about a pg test that is made especially for infertiles because ... well, I'm not sure why, or how it was supposed to be different. All I know is I was excited about it in my dream.
I had a group of friends over yesterday and we made and canned pickled vegetables, and then had a big delicious dinner. One of the friends is pregnant, and she and her husband were driving me NUTS.
I am not one of those people who will follow every pregnancy rule perfectly, because I think there's such a thing as being too cautious. I will not be stupid and get drunk, or eat raw fish, or go on a rollercoaster, or put anything besides my feet in a hot tub.
But I will probably have occasional sips of wine (especially a TASTE of VERY low-alcohol moscato late in my theoretical pregnancy when it wouldn't really matter), I will not have my husband test the host's meat with a meat thermometer to ENSURE that it is fully cooked while loudly announcing that his wife is pregnant, etc. I will not constantly draw attention to myself lamenting really trivial things that I shouldn't (but probably could) eat while being obviously thrilled that everyone is looking at me and my pregnant belly, all the while KNOWING that another person in the room, whose guest I am, is INFERTILE.
WHY do people behave that way? I know they're excited about having a baby, and I'm really excited for them, but the more I see them, the less I want to be around them because they seem to completely lack any sensitivity. I'm absolutely dreading their baby shower, and I'm considering not going.
The problem is, if/when I finally get pregnant, I want people to be there for me. I don't want to be the jerk who was completely unsupportive of everyone else, and then if it ever happens for me, I expect everyone to celebrate with me even though I wouldn't celebrate with them. I want my kids to grow up with my friends' kids, and turn our adult-themed evenings eventually into family gatherings.
I don't feel I've been as deeply affected by infertility as some others, although it's hard to say. But I think this experience has changed me, not necessarily for the better, and I'm worried about spending the rest of my life bitter and angry and resentful. I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end.
AND I gave myself my own injection again yesterday! I'm so proud of myself. I am on yet another, different HCG (which apparently doesn't have a brand name? I'm confused about that), and the injections actually hurt. Which is why I wanted to do one myself, to see if it was my husband doing it badly, or the medicine itself. Anyway, it still hurt, so I guess it wasn't my husband. At least I haven't ended up with those awful welts I've had before.
Now I wait until ... Wednesday I think? ... to do the last injection and start the progesterone. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a bunch of dollar store tests and test out the HCG until it's out of my system, but I'm not sure I can really be bothered to do that. I'd rather just wait and try to forget about it.
I change my mind every day about whether I am optimistic or pessimistic. I am having crazy dreams about actually being pregnant, or actually getting a positive pregnancy test, or finding out about a pg test that is made especially for infertiles because ... well, I'm not sure why, or how it was supposed to be different. All I know is I was excited about it in my dream.
~
I had a group of friends over yesterday and we made and canned pickled vegetables, and then had a big delicious dinner. One of the friends is pregnant, and she and her husband were driving me NUTS.
I am not one of those people who will follow every pregnancy rule perfectly, because I think there's such a thing as being too cautious. I will not be stupid and get drunk, or eat raw fish, or go on a rollercoaster, or put anything besides my feet in a hot tub.
But I will probably have occasional sips of wine (especially a TASTE of VERY low-alcohol moscato late in my theoretical pregnancy when it wouldn't really matter), I will not have my husband test the host's meat with a meat thermometer to ENSURE that it is fully cooked while loudly announcing that his wife is pregnant, etc. I will not constantly draw attention to myself lamenting really trivial things that I shouldn't (but probably could) eat while being obviously thrilled that everyone is looking at me and my pregnant belly, all the while KNOWING that another person in the room, whose guest I am, is INFERTILE.
WHY do people behave that way? I know they're excited about having a baby, and I'm really excited for them, but the more I see them, the less I want to be around them because they seem to completely lack any sensitivity. I'm absolutely dreading their baby shower, and I'm considering not going.
The problem is, if/when I finally get pregnant, I want people to be there for me. I don't want to be the jerk who was completely unsupportive of everyone else, and then if it ever happens for me, I expect everyone to celebrate with me even though I wouldn't celebrate with them. I want my kids to grow up with my friends' kids, and turn our adult-themed evenings eventually into family gatherings.
I don't feel I've been as deeply affected by infertility as some others, although it's hard to say. But I think this experience has changed me, not necessarily for the better, and I'm worried about spending the rest of my life bitter and angry and resentful. I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Dude, seriously?
My monitoring ultrasound this morning didn't go as expected. I expected to have one crappy follicle on the left. Instead, on the right, I had one large follice (24x22), one good borderline follicle (around 16), and two slightly smaller ones. The doctor said if it wasn't for the large one, we'd put off triggering another day. She also said that at the size of the three "maybes" there could be mature eggs in all or none of them. So I have 1-4 chances this month.
I honestly was expecting bad news, was braced for it. I am so not in the mood to be hopeful. I've been doing somewhat better with the hopeless attitude of the last few weeks, despite my nearly constant urges to cry. At least I wasn't building up my hopes for a big fall. Which is what I KNOW is going to happen.
I want to continue on my merry way, planning my summer vacation (more on that in a moment), my knee surgery, and my fall/winter IVF. I do NOT (and I WILL NOT) look up a possible due date. NO WAY! This is going to fail, I'm sure of it!
Except, sigh. I'm NOT sure of it any more, and I don't want to feel this way. I want hope to go away and, if not die, at least be comatose for a while. Let me enjoy the beautiful weather and the hopefully relaxing weekends.
As a plus, we're going on vacation! To Alaska! I'm so excited! We were considering yet another trip to Italy to go to a cousin's wedding, and maybe a few days of "real" vacation (i.e. just the two of us, without all the relatives and friends), but it was too last-minute and too expensive and too much time off of work. And we have a friend working up at Denali National Park, and we thought ... let's go! A couple days of hiking, maybe a helicopter trip, a day of fishing, maybe an overnight backpacking/camping trip, who knows? The possibilities are endless.
So ... that's what I'll be focusing on. Planning my vacation. And trying to forget about this stupid IUI.
Just for posterity, and anyone who's curious, today is CD 13, the last day of estrogen, and the day of my HCG trigger shot (tonight at 10:30). IUI on CD 15 (Saturday) at 10:30 am. HCG supplements on CD 16 and CD 19, and progesterone starts CD 19 and goes until the end (CD 29ish).
And to satisfy my curiosity, here's a couple questions for y'all. Do you know (from experience or from reading/learning/research/hearing about it) if those follicle sizes sound good? Is there a chance of more than one egg, and if so, how great of a chance? Is it unrealistic to hope that one big, one medium, and two smaller follicles might mean a higher chance of actually conceiving?
I honestly was expecting bad news, was braced for it. I am so not in the mood to be hopeful. I've been doing somewhat better with the hopeless attitude of the last few weeks, despite my nearly constant urges to cry. At least I wasn't building up my hopes for a big fall. Which is what I KNOW is going to happen.
I want to continue on my merry way, planning my summer vacation (more on that in a moment), my knee surgery, and my fall/winter IVF. I do NOT (and I WILL NOT) look up a possible due date. NO WAY! This is going to fail, I'm sure of it!
Except, sigh. I'm NOT sure of it any more, and I don't want to feel this way. I want hope to go away and, if not die, at least be comatose for a while. Let me enjoy the beautiful weather and the hopefully relaxing weekends.
As a plus, we're going on vacation! To Alaska! I'm so excited! We were considering yet another trip to Italy to go to a cousin's wedding, and maybe a few days of "real" vacation (i.e. just the two of us, without all the relatives and friends), but it was too last-minute and too expensive and too much time off of work. And we have a friend working up at Denali National Park, and we thought ... let's go! A couple days of hiking, maybe a helicopter trip, a day of fishing, maybe an overnight backpacking/camping trip, who knows? The possibilities are endless.
So ... that's what I'll be focusing on. Planning my vacation. And trying to forget about this stupid IUI.
Just for posterity, and anyone who's curious, today is CD 13, the last day of estrogen, and the day of my HCG trigger shot (tonight at 10:30). IUI on CD 15 (Saturday) at 10:30 am. HCG supplements on CD 16 and CD 19, and progesterone starts CD 19 and goes until the end (CD 29ish).
And to satisfy my curiosity, here's a couple questions for y'all. Do you know (from experience or from reading/learning/research/hearing about it) if those follicle sizes sound good? Is there a chance of more than one egg, and if so, how great of a chance? Is it unrealistic to hope that one big, one medium, and two smaller follicles might mean a higher chance of actually conceiving?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Happy Anniversary to me!
Tomorrow is my anniversary! My husband and I got married two years ago, on a beautiful sunny day in my mother's backyard, my dream wedding. More importantly, I married the best, sweetest guy in the world and I'm so happy that we are still hopelessly in love, 5 years after we met and 2 years after we got married.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
That's really the only exciting news of the day. I just finished up with Clomid yesterday, and started estrogen. I'm a little nervous about remembering to take those super-small pills twice a day ... yikes!
Today, I leave for Stanford for my husband's company's conference, where tomorrow I'll watch him speak, visit with old friends, go shopping, and then go out for our anniversary dinner. The only negative thing is having to get up early for the conference tomorrow, and then super early on Wednesday to drive back to work in Sacramento. But it'll be worth it!
Follow-up u/s on Thursday morning (by myself, boo) to see if we managed to squeeze out more than one follicle this month (the million dollar question - was I right about the Clomid dosage, or was my doctor right? - tune in Thursday to find out!). Hopefully IUI on Saturday (or Sunday).
Then (check out this optimism) negative HPT on July 4, AF should arrive around July 6-7 after I stop the progesterone, and we can plan on IVF in ... September? Probably more like October.
As an aside - I'm expecting a pregnancy result on yet ANOTHER major holiday ... it's been Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Mother's Day so far, and all BFNs. So far the trend is NOT looking good. I feel like if we do IVF I want to time things specifically to NOT fall on a holiday, just to avoid what seems to be a huge jinx factor.
On the other hand ... I'd much rather test on a Saturday than a Sunday, which has been the due date the last few cycles. If I am supposed to test on Sunday, I waste my whole Saturday dealing with the anxiety. Or I test anyway, and then I get all anxious wondering if it could still be positive the next day. Much better to plan to test on Saturday.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A sorry start
I had my ultrasound this morning, so I slept in a bit and went for a run.
Past the local elementary school.
I saw all the kids riding their bikes to school, many of them with their parents. I saw the cars pulling up to drop off the kids, the parents talking and laughing to each other. I passed through, crossed the pedestrain bridge over the freeway, against the flow of more and more kids heading to school. Finally I arrived at the park, which was mostly empty at 8:30am. Empty except for the stay-at-home moms and dads, out for walks with their babies, taking them to the playground. I thought how maybe these people would have been my friends, in another life. In a life where I could get pregnant.
I can't seem to make friends where I live. It's a beautiful university town, a wonderful place to live. But it's not a great place for young working singles or couples without kids. It's full of young families, and college students, and older couples. I actually have made some friends - but most of them have gotten pregnant and moved on, or have job offers at other universities in other cities and have no kids to tie them down - so they're moving on, too. It seems like it's only me who is stuck here, in limbo.
The clinic was 45 minutes late, as usual. So much for my hopes of not missing TOO much work. Everything looked good. The doctor handed me my prescription ... for 100 mg of Clomid. I mentioned that I thought we were upping the dose, and she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said no, we were just adding estrogen to make implantation more likely.
This is another left ovary month. Last time, I got only one follicle on the left at this dosage (followed by a big cyst). I don't have ovulatory problems, that I know of - I would likely have one egg without all these medications and ultrasounds. Why am I paying a thousand dollars for a great possibility of having one egg? After a year and a half, it's pretty clear that one egg and some sperm give us about a 0% chance of pregnancy.
I left in tears, and cried all the way to work.
But at least I pretty much know how the next year will go. We'll be on vacation in July, so we'll skip that month. At that point, I think I'll schedule my knee surgery for September/October, and we'll start IVF hopefully in October/November. Which means the earliest I can expect to possibly have a baby is summer 2010.
My life is essentially on hold for a year. What can I do in a year to move towards the life I want? Should I go back to school? My sister is starting a certificate program. Should I do that? I just feel I need to be working for something, heading my life in some direction, since the direction I chose isn't working out. I need to feel a greater purpose in my life again, something beyond spending every weekday waiting for the weekend, and every Sunday night dreading Monday morning. Life HAS to be more than that, doesn't it?
Past the local elementary school.
I saw all the kids riding their bikes to school, many of them with their parents. I saw the cars pulling up to drop off the kids, the parents talking and laughing to each other. I passed through, crossed the pedestrain bridge over the freeway, against the flow of more and more kids heading to school. Finally I arrived at the park, which was mostly empty at 8:30am. Empty except for the stay-at-home moms and dads, out for walks with their babies, taking them to the playground. I thought how maybe these people would have been my friends, in another life. In a life where I could get pregnant.
I can't seem to make friends where I live. It's a beautiful university town, a wonderful place to live. But it's not a great place for young working singles or couples without kids. It's full of young families, and college students, and older couples. I actually have made some friends - but most of them have gotten pregnant and moved on, or have job offers at other universities in other cities and have no kids to tie them down - so they're moving on, too. It seems like it's only me who is stuck here, in limbo.
The clinic was 45 minutes late, as usual. So much for my hopes of not missing TOO much work. Everything looked good. The doctor handed me my prescription ... for 100 mg of Clomid. I mentioned that I thought we were upping the dose, and she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. She said no, we were just adding estrogen to make implantation more likely.
This is another left ovary month. Last time, I got only one follicle on the left at this dosage (followed by a big cyst). I don't have ovulatory problems, that I know of - I would likely have one egg without all these medications and ultrasounds. Why am I paying a thousand dollars for a great possibility of having one egg? After a year and a half, it's pretty clear that one egg and some sperm give us about a 0% chance of pregnancy.
I left in tears, and cried all the way to work.
But at least I pretty much know how the next year will go. We'll be on vacation in July, so we'll skip that month. At that point, I think I'll schedule my knee surgery for September/October, and we'll start IVF hopefully in October/November. Which means the earliest I can expect to possibly have a baby is summer 2010.
My life is essentially on hold for a year. What can I do in a year to move towards the life I want? Should I go back to school? My sister is starting a certificate program. Should I do that? I just feel I need to be working for something, heading my life in some direction, since the direction I chose isn't working out. I need to feel a greater purpose in my life again, something beyond spending every weekday waiting for the weekend, and every Sunday night dreading Monday morning. Life HAS to be more than that, doesn't it?
Monday, May 4, 2009
8 dpo, 6 days to go
Can I just say that Mondays suck? Not for any particular reason, just because I am here at work and not at home or doing something fun.
I had an amazing weekend! I had a great time at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, can I say that this place ROCKS?! We got there around 10:15, 45 minutes after they opened, and spent the entire day there, to the point where we had to rush through some things. We probably spent too much time in the huge swamp/aquarium section, which had a coral reef, all kinds of weird creatures, and a white alligator(!). Then we checked out the photos of our universe taken from telescopes and satellites - they were amazing! But again, too much time. Next, on to the living roof (in the sprinkling rain) to see the skylights, California native wildflowers, and bees that were buzzing around the flowers. It was beautiful. Lunch was quick and delicious. Then a section on climate change in California that we both enjoyed, but I thought could have been more informative.
After that, there is an exhibit on evolution with specimens and information about the Galapagos Islands. Then on to the African Hall to see stuffed animals in beautiful re-created and painted scenery. After that, a half-hour planetarium show which really put the size of our existence into perspective and also explained more about the search for life on other planets. Then we had to rush through the rainforest exhibit, a four-story humid dome inside the museum filled with birds and butterflies, and a variety of rainforest animals. Finally, we barely made it on time to the 3D movie about insects in Borneo. Wow - what a busy day!
A night on the town followed (great Italian food, and since my husband is Italian and he always talks to the waiters in Italian and makes friends with them, we got FREE beverages and tiramisu), but unfortunately the concert I wanted to see was sold out, which was disappointing. Sunday morning we did a quick trip to the Ferry Building, where we bought some seafood, cheese, heirloom tomatoes, and arisan bread before heading home. I got the last energy out of my system by scrubbing the house from top to bottom before we made a feast with the amazing (expensive) food from the Ferry Building.
Last night a sore throat developed, which is worrying me a bit. I'm not freaked out about swine flu like so many people are. It would suck to get it, but mostly because it would just suck to BE sick. I rarely get sick, and while I'd like a few days off of work, this isn't the best time to be sick, I'm guessing. I'm just going to keep crossing my fingers and hoping.
Now that the diversions of the weekend are over, I'm taking up my plodding, unwilling pace through the two-week-wait again. I'm actually planning to test on Saturday with an ultra-sensitive expensive test because otherwise Saturday will drag by, and if I get the bad news on Sunday, well, that would suck. Especially because, on top of it being Mother's Day, we always go visit my dad's grave that day - it's right between his birthday and the day he died. I don't need my BFN on the same day as the cemetary AND Mother's Day, thank you very much.
Hope everyone else had a good weekend and that for those of you in the 2ww, time is flying by.
I had an amazing weekend! I had a great time at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, can I say that this place ROCKS?! We got there around 10:15, 45 minutes after they opened, and spent the entire day there, to the point where we had to rush through some things. We probably spent too much time in the huge swamp/aquarium section, which had a coral reef, all kinds of weird creatures, and a white alligator(!). Then we checked out the photos of our universe taken from telescopes and satellites - they were amazing! But again, too much time. Next, on to the living roof (in the sprinkling rain) to see the skylights, California native wildflowers, and bees that were buzzing around the flowers. It was beautiful. Lunch was quick and delicious. Then a section on climate change in California that we both enjoyed, but I thought could have been more informative.
After that, there is an exhibit on evolution with specimens and information about the Galapagos Islands. Then on to the African Hall to see stuffed animals in beautiful re-created and painted scenery. After that, a half-hour planetarium show which really put the size of our existence into perspective and also explained more about the search for life on other planets. Then we had to rush through the rainforest exhibit, a four-story humid dome inside the museum filled with birds and butterflies, and a variety of rainforest animals. Finally, we barely made it on time to the 3D movie about insects in Borneo. Wow - what a busy day!
A night on the town followed (great Italian food, and since my husband is Italian and he always talks to the waiters in Italian and makes friends with them, we got FREE beverages and tiramisu), but unfortunately the concert I wanted to see was sold out, which was disappointing. Sunday morning we did a quick trip to the Ferry Building, where we bought some seafood, cheese, heirloom tomatoes, and arisan bread before heading home. I got the last energy out of my system by scrubbing the house from top to bottom before we made a feast with the amazing (expensive) food from the Ferry Building.
Last night a sore throat developed, which is worrying me a bit. I'm not freaked out about swine flu like so many people are. It would suck to get it, but mostly because it would just suck to BE sick. I rarely get sick, and while I'd like a few days off of work, this isn't the best time to be sick, I'm guessing. I'm just going to keep crossing my fingers and hoping.
Now that the diversions of the weekend are over, I'm taking up my plodding, unwilling pace through the two-week-wait again. I'm actually planning to test on Saturday with an ultra-sensitive expensive test because otherwise Saturday will drag by, and if I get the bad news on Sunday, well, that would suck. Especially because, on top of it being Mother's Day, we always go visit my dad's grave that day - it's right between his birthday and the day he died. I don't need my BFN on the same day as the cemetary AND Mother's Day, thank you very much.
Hope everyone else had a good weekend and that for those of you in the 2ww, time is flying by.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
4 dpo, 10 days to go (and a frank discussion of adoption)
I HATE the 2ww.
The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.
Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.
I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.
In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.
There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.
Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!
Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.
I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.
My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.
So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.
The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.
Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.
I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.
In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.
There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.
Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!
Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.
I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.
My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.
So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Strange calm hopefulness
I am determined not to be too hopeful about this cycle, as I keep saying, but for some reason I have a feeling. I'm scared to mention it for fear of jinxing anything, but I want to remember it if it turns out to be important.
This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.
The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.
The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.
This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.
But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.
So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.
And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.
This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.
The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.
The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.
This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.
But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.
So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.
And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Weekend!
I had a weekend full of ups and downs, but right now I'm feeling pretty even-keeled right in the middle. I think it's because I'm right at the beginning of the 2ww.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.
I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.
I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.
I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.
Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.
Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.
So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Still twiddling
I had a pretty nice weekend - it was Picnic Day here at UC Davis, so I spent the day checking out farm animals, meeting up with friends, and watching the Battle of the Bands (and reminiscing about when I was in college and how much fun it was).
Yesterday, my husband and I rode our bikes along (almost) the entire American River Bike Trail in Sacramento (31.5 miles) to go to a friend's surprise birthday party. We made great time, and I feel really positive about maybe placing in a triathlon this summer if I don't get pregnant. That's my big goal for the summer if things don't work out for us this spring - getting first, second, or third place in my age group at a triathlon (last year I got fifth place). Anyway, the party was pretty fun too, although it was mostly old high school acquaintances that I don't know very well, and quite honestly, I'm willing to move on with my life and not spend all my time wishing I was still in high school.
Two more days of clomid, and a second ultra-sound this Friday. I'm just enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, riding my bike, gardening, and trying to enjoy life instead of stress about IF. Although I did realize that chances are my HPT will be on Mother's Day. Great! Just what I need.
The good news is that next Friday, I meet with the knee doctor again and can stop wearing this brace - it is NOT comfortable when it's 95 degree outside! Luckily, my knee feels great, and I think I've avoided catastrophe until my next stupid accident.
I hope you're all having nice weather wherever you are, too!
Yesterday, my husband and I rode our bikes along (almost) the entire American River Bike Trail in Sacramento (31.5 miles) to go to a friend's surprise birthday party. We made great time, and I feel really positive about maybe placing in a triathlon this summer if I don't get pregnant. That's my big goal for the summer if things don't work out for us this spring - getting first, second, or third place in my age group at a triathlon (last year I got fifth place). Anyway, the party was pretty fun too, although it was mostly old high school acquaintances that I don't know very well, and quite honestly, I'm willing to move on with my life and not spend all my time wishing I was still in high school.
Two more days of clomid, and a second ultra-sound this Friday. I'm just enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, riding my bike, gardening, and trying to enjoy life instead of stress about IF. Although I did realize that chances are my HPT will be on Mother's Day. Great! Just what I need.
The good news is that next Friday, I meet with the knee doctor again and can stop wearing this brace - it is NOT comfortable when it's 95 degree outside! Luckily, my knee feels great, and I think I've avoided catastrophe until my next stupid accident.
I hope you're all having nice weather wherever you are, too!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thoughts
Still here, still twiddling my thumbs. And, unfortunately, still wondering what if?
I took my last prometrium on Sunday night. Tuesday afternoon and no sign of AF. I had a couple cramps earlier and was convinced it was coming, but I guess not yet.
I'm anxious to move on.
My last HPT was a cheapy dollar store test yesterday morning at 15 dpo. I'm still wondering ... what if?
If no AF by tomorrow morning, I will do one last HPT, just for peace of mind. Then I will just be resigned to this purgatory of waiting. At least with the 2ww there is a deadline!
I took my last prometrium on Sunday night. Tuesday afternoon and no sign of AF. I had a couple cramps earlier and was convinced it was coming, but I guess not yet.
I'm anxious to move on.
My last HPT was a cheapy dollar store test yesterday morning at 15 dpo. I'm still wondering ... what if?
If no AF by tomorrow morning, I will do one last HPT, just for peace of mind. Then I will just be resigned to this purgatory of waiting. At least with the 2ww there is a deadline!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)