Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Well, Tadpole and I are now sick. Hubby is in New York and won't be back until Thursday night. The house is a disaster, we have furniture getting delivered tomorrow, and I'm really really worried about how tonight will go. Also, the daycare person was exposed to Tadpole today, so now I'm worried she might get sick, too. This is no fun!!!

And now that I have it, I feel SO SO sorry for Tadpole and Turtle, because it really sucks. Tadpole threw up so many times between 4 (when I picked her up from daycare) and 8 (when she went to bed). And then I joined the club shortly after. Ugh.

I'm just hoping and praying that my hubby doesn't get it, and I guess I'll know by tomorrow morning. Please send some good thoughts our way!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

mid-January ramblings

It's one of those evenings where even though I want to go to bed, I sort of don't because it means tomorrow will come faster. Turtle spent the whole day puking, including all his milk right before he went to bed, and hubby's leaving on a 4-day business trip to the East Coast tomorrow morning. Gah!!!! What if Turtle is still really sick? What if Tadpole gets sick, too? What if I get sick on top of it?!

I'm sort of freaked out about the possibilities right now. Of course, it would also be awful if hubby got sick while traveling, although Turtle didn't actually SEEM sick when he wasn't throwing up. He seemed mostly happy and upbeat and even somewhat energetic. But then he would be thirsty because he was dehydrated and he'd gulp a ton of water and then vomit it all over the place. I'm actually pretty worried about tonight because I think he's probably already dehydrated, so I'm debating about waking up during the night to give him water a few times. Assuming that he doesn't wake up on his own. Sigh. And puke in his bed, please no!!!

Anyway ... other than today, January has been going swimmingly. I'm doing great with my mini-resolution to not get more plastic bags, and I think I've only failed once or twice, including my first trip to the grocery store when I had my mesh bags with me but totally forgot and put some broccoli in a plastic bag. Luckily I then remembered, and that was my only bag for that trip. Now I want to try to remember to bring my own container for the salad bar, instead of using the cardboard boxes they provide.

Here's a toddler food tip, if yours aren't the picky kind - Tadpole isn't picky, and she LOVES the cubed cooked chicken and turkey from the salad bar, which is a really easy appetizer or protein meal portion when I don't have time to prepare food. I almost always have some of this in the fridge. Turtle of course won't eat it, since he is more or less a vegetarian, but hey, at least one kid will.

Back to me - I also have been running! With the stroller when necessary, without it whenever I can, and my last non-stroller run found me back at my pre-pregnancy, pre-knee surgery pace for the first time in almost 2.5 years!!!!! I am really excited. The last few weeks also saw my first runs longer than 1.8 miles in the last 2.5 years, I actually got up to 4 miles the other day, which used to be my minimum run back in my heyday. So I am quite happy and excited about that. Exercise really does boost the spirits.

I'm also finally making some progress on cleaning and organizing the house, and we've made huge progress getting furniture and some decor, which has been sadly lacking. There's still a LONG way to go, since we've basically had a ton of stuff packed for two years and multiple mini-moves in the meantime, so I've lost track of a lot of things, some of them quite important (hello, checkbooks! where are you?!), but I feel, hope, and pray that with the holidays behind us, I've got time to breathe and catch up, and maybe after another month I'll even have some time for me.

And last - I've got a little project I'm working on which I'm hoping may turn into a vocation or lead to at least a temporary "career". I'm trying to create some sort of bilingual situation for my kids, whether it be as small as a once-a-month playgroup or as big as a real preschool, we'll see, but I'm hoping that it will be a fun project that gives me something to do and exercise my brain a bit.

Thoughts of a third kid are still percolating. One thing I didn't mention in my last post is that we never got a diagnosis for our infertility, and we did pretty much all the tests. We DID get pregnant with an IUI in the end, and didn't go to IVF. So as far as we are concerned, not using BC would be "trying". And until we're sure we want to make the decision to ttc, we aren't ready to go there. I also don't think I could prevent myself from obsessing, so I don't THINK we'd be able to just let things take their course and see what happens. Either we'd get pregnant without being sure it's what we want, or I'd start freaking out about why I wasn't getting pregnant and ... well, better not to go there until we are a little more decided about the future.

How's your January going?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dreams of a third child

Last night I dreamed that I was in a bright, sunny hospital room, about to give birth. It wasn't a birthing room or an OR, just as regular hospital room, and I was there by myself with a male doctor who my dream self must have just imagined. I don't recall having painful contractions in the dream, but for some reason I decided at some point that I had to have a c-section, and the next thing I knew the doctor was cutting my belly and pulling out a surprisingly clean baby that looked a bit like a doll. It was a boy, although apparently I was expecting a girl, and I immediately held him to my b.re.ast and he latched on perfectly, and I was so happy.

Then my dream switched to my old office, which didn't look at all like it does in real life. Suddenly I was working in an office (rather than a cubicle) with my old grad school roommate. Everyone was asking me where I'd been, and I was telling everyone I'd had another kid, and everyone seemed surprised. Including my husband. Somehow no one had known that I was expecting. My husband was actually happy about it (in real life, he doesn't think he wants more kids). Weirdly, I didn't actually see the baby again in my dream, at least not that I remember, nor did I ever name him. I do remember wondering how on earth I'd ever manage breastfeeding since I'd gone straight back to work. And that's all I remember.

I never got around to finishing my post on whether or not I wanted to try for another child. As most of my readers know, it's tough for someone who's been through infertility to contemplate trying for more children because there are so many factors on top of the ones that normal couples go through when they make that decision. Factors that are financial, mental, emotional. Not really knowing what making that decision will lead to, and possibly having to think in advance of all the possible outcomes and steps along the way, and not knowing how you'll feel in advance at each step. Not wanting to screw up what you've got by pursuing what could be an elusive or impossible dream, but at the same time not wanting to give up on a dream that might come true. Not wanting to throw away money on something that might never happen, but knowing that you have to if you want even the remotest chance. Well, you know.

So that's where I am, speaking only for myself. I would love to have the experience of another pregnancy, another baby, another toddler running around. A singleton birth and babyhood. The chance to do it all over again. I always wanted a big family, and in theory, I would still love it, but real life is of course more complicated than my always-imagined life. My husband is really busy with work and will probably only become more so in the future. I'm not sure about having three kids, since we travel a lot to visit my husband's family in Italy, and an extra kid will make that exponentially harder. I'm not getting any younger (I'm 33), although most of my close friends have not even started having kids yet and some are older than I am. And I'm not sure my heart could take failing again. And if we failed, I don't know if I'd want to do treatment, and if I did, I don't know how far I'd want to go. And if I don't want to go that far, do I really want to open up that can of worms and then have to clean up the mess later? And I KNOW I wouldn't want the risk of having twins again, because as awesome as it has been, it has been so so hard, and I just couldn't put all of us through that. We have something awesome and amazing right now, and as much as I'd like to make it even more amazing, I don't know if it's worth the risk that something could screw it all up. I'm generally not much of a risk-taker.

If my husband were 100% for having more kids, or completely happy if I decided I wanted more, I would probably do it. But I don't think that's the case. So despite my yearning, I don't know if it will ever happen. And if it doesn't, it's ok. I'm so blessed to have Turtle and Tadpole, the little loves of my life, plus all my nieces and nephews. I'm in a good place right now. I just want to make sure I have no regrets before my time to decide runs out.

Any thoughts?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hello there 2012

Hi all! It's been a really busy holiday season for us. The first time we've been in our new, almost-done remodeled house for the holidays, the first time our kids were sort of aware of what was happening, and the first time I've seen my brother and his kids in about 2.5 years, so I haven't had much time for blogging.

It was a really nice time for us, I'm happy to say. We did a lot of relaxing, a bit of present-opening, and a lot of time spent with family and friends. We hosted Christmas brunch and dinner with my family, New Years Eve dinner and New Years breakfast with a group of friends who spent the night, New Years Day lunch with my family, and New Years Day dinner with another group of friends. In between, we went to the zoo, the park, my mom's house, and the mall to get professional pictures of my kids with their cousins. It's been fun!

The kids love their new tricycles, by the way, along with every other kid we've seen when we're out and about, and now I've got to learn about how to handle it when other parents aren't really parenting their kids (i.e. teaching them manners and how to share) - so far, I'm doing a really bad job.

And what about resolutions? I'm generally not a resolution kind of person, for the same reason I'm not a diet kind of person - I believe in making long-lasting lifestyle changes and goals, not short-term strict rules that I HAVE to follow to the letter. In past years I've not even made resolutions, but this year I want to do something. Two somethings, actually.

First, I want to try to think more about how my choices affect my life. That's my resolution, I suppose, to just think a little harder about consequences when I make choices. The choice to eat an extra cookie or an extra serving, to skip on running, to not drink enough water, and so on. I want to be more grateful for what I have, kinder and more thoughtful with others, to work on friendships instead of waiting for my friends to do their part. I just want to try to be the person I wish I could be, that I hope I can be, and I want to actively work on it rather than hoping that someday it will just magically happen. A tall order, I know.

And second, I think I want to set some mini-goals for myself, month by month, things that won't be hard to do and that I won't beat myself up about if I slip up. For January, I'd like to try to avoid bringing any more plastic bags into my house. I already shop with lots of cloth shopping bags, and I got myself some mesh fruit and veggie bags to replace the produce bags I sometimes bring home. I know I will occasionally buy something that is pre-bagged and I won't be able to do anything about it, but I'm going to do my best. And if I can do it for the whole month of January, hopefully I can turn it into a good habit!

Good luck with all of your New Years Resolutions! I hope you and your families had a great holiday season!