Thursday, April 30, 2009

4 dpo, 10 days to go (and a frank discussion of adoption)

I HATE the 2ww.

The husband and I were planning a lovely two-day bike trip to the northern coast this weekend, but it looks like it's going to rain and be kind of cold and miserable. Since we would be carrying all of our stuff in our backpacks, it doesn't sound like the greatest weekend for this trip. Instead - we'll be going to the new Academy of Sciences in San Francisco! I hope! I've been dying to go there since about 6 months before they opened, so I am SO EXCITED. That should take my mind off the 2ww like nothing else.

Today's my last HCG booster. With luck, my last one ever, but I'm not counting on that.

I'm still maintaining my zen pretty well, but I must admit that it's tough, mostly because I don't know what will happen next if this is a BFN cycle. (I'd probably discover this on Mother's Day Sunday, btw - I've already had one on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter this past year - what luck!) My husband doesn't seem to be excited about pursuing ART any further, and he also doesn't like to talk about anything before he absolutely must. In my scenario, if we got a BFN, I would call the clinic the next day, although AF probably wouldn't arrive for a few days because of the progesterone. I would proceed with a new clomid cycle on a higher dose and add the estrogen like my RE suggested.

In my husband's world, we might at that point finally talk about what to do next. Chances are, he won't want to do another back-to-back cycle. Even more likely, he won't want to do another cycle at all. He will probably suggest we look into adoption. Because maybe it is our destiny to give some child a home. I am not at all against giving a home to a child who needs one. Although I don't believe in destiny.

There are a few reasons why this sucks. First, it sucks to not agree on something so major. Second, I've already started looking into adoption a bit, and it sounds complicated, expensive, time-consuming, and not fun. I do know that once I accept it, it will be ok. But still.

Third, in our family, my husband works (way more than full time), and he does a few chores that I ask him to do (but only when I remind him to do them). Everything else is done or planned by me (in addition to working full time) - I open the mail, pay the bills, organize our paperwork, pay our taxes, do the grocery shopping, laundry, most of the cleaning, pay the rent, and just make sure our lives can run smoothly. Car insurance and registration? That's me. His immigration paperwork (he's from Italy)? I did that. Going to the bank to get cash or deposit checks? Me. Planning vacations, buying plane tickets, arranging hotels and rental cars? Me again. Making sure the doors are locked and lights are off at night? Me. Making sure we don't run out of toilet paper/gas/wine/beer/kitty litter? Me. Cutting the grass? Me!

Oh right, he does feed the cat at night (one point for the husband!). And he occasionally takes out the trash (two points!) But he absolutely never cleans the litterbox without my asking him, even though technically it's his job now that we're really into the ttc game.

I didn't mean to turn this into a rant against my husband, who is a really great (but frustrating) guy. The point is that if we go through with adoption, the entire burden will fall to me. And to be honest, as you can tell from my post, I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm not ready to give up on my dream of being pregnant and having a child that is half him and half me. I want HIS child. I think on some level I am very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that much about having MY child, a child that is part me. I think that before I can pursue adoption, in order to be completely fair to any adopted children we could have, I have to come to terms with the idea of NEVER having a biological child, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I know that I will eventually get there.

My husband thinks it is terrible that I cry after every BFN, and get so depressed (he NEVER gets upset about anything, so I don't think he understands how theraputic it is for me). He thinks that adoption will solve that - no more BFNs! But I cry not just because I got a BFN on that particular cycle. I also cry because every BFN brings us one step closer to never having our baby. So him trying to move up the drop-dead date after which we no longer try - we admit that we will probably not have a biological child - well, that makes me want to cry even more.

So that is what is on my mind while I'm being positive and hoping my intuition is correct and not swayed by the negative possibilities of the future.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Strange calm hopefulness

I am determined not to be too hopeful about this cycle, as I keep saying, but for some reason I have a feeling. I'm scared to mention it for fear of jinxing anything, but I want to remember it if it turns out to be important.

This is the first time that something bad didn't happen on IUI/ovulation day.

The date of my first IUI, while driving back to work immediately afterwards, some idiot on the freeway started to change lanes into the side of my car without looking until he was already a quarter of the way into my lane. And I was in the left-hand lane in fast but heavy traffic. I swerved and hit the brakes, lost control of the car, and fishtailed. I'm not completely stupid, but it's hard to think when something like that happens. After a split second, I remembered to take my foot OFF the brake and gradually kept steering into each skid as the car went one way and then the other until I regained control. I was pretty much hyperventilating and crying, and of course still stuck in the left-hand lane of a fast-moving highway in heavy traffic. It freaked me out, and I don't think I got the adrenaline out of my system until evening.

The date of my second IUI, I missed it because I was in Santa Barbara. I still ovulated (I'm assuming - thank you HCG injection), and we tried the old-fashioned way. But in the course of the weekend, technically only a few hours before I was to ovulate, I severely injured my knee while surfing on a cold, rocky beach, and could barely walk for a couple weeks after. Based on my past experience with my knee, I was devastated that I would be out of commission for the entire spring and summer. Thankfully that turned out not to be the case, but I didn't know it at the time, and that made it both a painful and unhappy event.

This time? Nothing. I had a nice afternoon with my husband, having lunch and working in the garden, and making him homemade ravioli with his grandma's recipe. It was a wonderful day. I was depressed because I only had one follicle. I felt hopeless.

But at the same time, I had this weird feeling. I had this feeling that it would be successful this time, and that I'd get pregnant with a boy. I didn't hear any voices or feel like a message was being sent to me from somewhere. It was a feeling that came from within.

So even though I don't necessarily believe in the super-natural, and my feelings towards religion and spirituality are tentative and unresolved (disclaimer - I think religion and spirituality are beautiful things, and I am open and accepting of all religions!), I felt that my soul was telling me something.

And therefore, even while I work to keep my hopes and expectations under control, I feel that I have a slender thread of tranquility to hold to, and a stillness in my heart.

Monday, April 27, 2009


I had a weekend full of ups and downs, but right now I'm feeling pretty even-keeled right in the middle. I think it's because I'm right at the beginning of the 2ww.

Friday night I had my book club meeting, which was fun and thankfully ended early so I could go home and go to sleep. Saturday, my husband and I went to the farmer's market where I bought a beautiful casserole dish that I've been coveting for a while. We also bought fish and other seafood, and ground pork (reason will be forthcoming). Unfortunately, the fish never got put in the fridge and so spent 24 hours out on the counter while I was away. My husband is a little absent-minded and never noticed the bag in the kitchen.

I was away because I went up to Nevada City for a girl's night/weekend. It was fun, but I think I'm getting too old for this stuff. We did a clothing swap, had a huge dinner, and then went out drinking. We stayed up until 2am. I was SO TIRED, but I didn't want to be a party pooper, and I also didn't want to walk home alone, but I had to leave by 9am Sunday morning to get back for my IUI.

I told most of the girls about the IUI - the ones I am closest to, anyway. They were all shocked and said they had no idea we'd even been trying. They were all very supportive though, I hope that I don't regret telling them. Out of the 6 of us, 3 of us are married (the others are single, no significant other). I am one of the three married ones, one friend hasn't thought about trying yet (but they use natural methods of birth control and have had no accidents), and the other is experiencing infertility (I think only 6-9 months so far). That's pretty bad statistics for us.

I rushed back to Davis on Sunday for my IUI and got back way too early. That gave me time to get home and take care of a few things. The husband and I headed over and the clinic was 45 minutes late again! Is that normal? It's very frustrating to spend an hour of my Sunday at the clinic for a 3-minute procedure. There were about 3 other women/couples there, too. Busy morning for the clinic, I guess.

Then we had a nice picnic lunch at our co-op, and spent an afternoon in the garden. We bought chicekn wire and posts to build a fence around our community garden because we've had trouble with people walking through it, taking stuff, and leaving trash. Also, our garden neighbors let the weeds grow several feet tall right upt he border, and then they tend to collapse into our garden. The fence isn't super sturdy and it's only 3 feet high, but it's too high to step over easily and it more clearly delineates the boundaries of the garden, so I'm hoping it will help. We can also use it to grow things like peas and beans.

Want to know more about my garden? I'm growing tomatoes (about 30 plants, probably 6-8 different varieties), peppers (30 plants, 2-3 varieties), cucumbers, eggplant (not planted yet, probably 2 varieties), garlic, onions, shallots, leeks, carrots, lettuce, beets, radishes, green beans, basil, and parsley. I'm hoping to grow some pumpkin or winter squash, too, but we'll have to see how that goes. We get way more food than we can use right away - in the summer, I preserve a lot of it by canning and freezing it, and we give some away to friends. I do most of the actual gardening work. My husband is in charge of watering and he helps with bigger projects like the fence.

So anyway - that was my weekend. I'm actually feeling very positive about the IUI after all, but I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up. More injections, suppositories, and plenty of waiting to come.

Friday, April 24, 2009

ICLW failure

I suck. I've been having a hard week and have not managed to leave enough comments for ICLW, although I'm hoping to make up for it by the end of the weekend.

Two nights ago I had an argument with my husband and couldn't sleep - I have occasional insomnia and I don't sleep well in general. The lack of sleep upset my stomach (don't ask, I don't know why), so I spent yesterday feeling like a zombie with a stomache-ache. I promised my husband one nice dinner out before the IUI, so I made myself do it, but it was disappointing to not really be able to enjoy it.

Then I slept for 10 hours last night before my second ultra-sound this morning. The ultra-sound for which the clinic was running 40 minutes late and made my husband very cranky. The ultra-sound that showed that my lining is thinner than it has been for the last two cycles and that I only have one follice. One lousy follicle. I have no hope for this cycle anymore.

I know, one is all it takes. But I think it will be easier for me to look ahead to the next cycle and some changes the RE suggested. She wants to up my clomid dosage and maybe put me on estrogen. The husband said he wanted to ask them if it was really worth even doing another cycle. I feel like crying. Again. I hope it's the clomid that is making me this emotional.

So to sum it all up, I've had a fairly crappy week, a crappy uterine lining, only one follice (not sure if it's crappy), and a cranky husband. All I can think to say is TGIF.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I'm realizing that maybe I should put up a brief introductory post for International Comment Leaving Week. This is my first time participating (it took me a while to figure out what it was ... I'm not super internet-savvy).

My husband and I met at the rock climbing gym in Sacramento, CA almost 5 years ago while he was a research scholar on a research visa from Italy. Luckily, after we met, he extended his visa and I eventually helped him get a green card. We moved in together 4 years ago, and got married almost 2 years ago. We live in Davis, CA, a really cute university town that's about to get very HOT for the summer.

We've been ttc for about 16 months. So far we've not been diagnosed with anything, despite numerous tests (HSG, saline sonogram, hormone tests, ultrasounds, SAs, etc.), so I guess that makes us unexplained.

We've had two medicated cycles so far, one with IUI and one without, and we're on CD 7 of our third treatment cycle - another attempt with clomid and IUI.

Some other random things about me that are more interesting than all this stupid IF stuff? Well:

1. I do triathlons (as I mentioned in my last post). I really enjoy swimming, biking, and running, I love the competition, and I like having a goal to work for to keep me in shape.

2. I majored in French in college and now I have to speak Italian all the time to my in-laws. So I can speak both languages, but I'm not very good at either of them.

3. I'm an identical twin. I have no idea if that will ever be of any help to me dealing with IF (she's single and has never ttc'd, so who knows?).

4. I love to grow vegetables and to cook and bake. I bake almost all the bread we eat, and grow the majority of the vegetables we use. And yes, this takes up a lot of my free time.

5. My husband and I still rock climb together, sometimes at the same gym where we met, and he's still better than I am.

Thanks very much for stopping by and commenting, and I look forward to visiting your blog as well.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Still twiddling

I had a pretty nice weekend - it was Picnic Day here at UC Davis, so I spent the day checking out farm animals, meeting up with friends, and watching the Battle of the Bands (and reminiscing about when I was in college and how much fun it was).

Yesterday, my husband and I rode our bikes along (almost) the entire American River Bike Trail in Sacramento (31.5 miles) to go to a friend's surprise birthday party. We made great time, and I feel really positive about maybe placing in a triathlon this summer if I don't get pregnant. That's my big goal for the summer if things don't work out for us this spring - getting first, second, or third place in my age group at a triathlon (last year I got fifth place). Anyway, the party was pretty fun too, although it was mostly old high school acquaintances that I don't know very well, and quite honestly, I'm willing to move on with my life and not spend all my time wishing I was still in high school.

Two more days of clomid, and a second ultra-sound this Friday. I'm just enjoying the unseasonably warm weather, riding my bike, gardening, and trying to enjoy life instead of stress about IF. Although I did realize that chances are my HPT will be on Mother's Day. Great! Just what I need.

The good news is that next Friday, I meet with the knee doctor again and can stop wearing this brace - it is NOT comfortable when it's 95 degree outside! Luckily, my knee feels great, and I think I've avoided catastrophe until my next stupid accident.

I hope you're all having nice weather wherever you are, too!

Friday, April 17, 2009


OMG, I have a half hour left of work and then I get to leave.

I have a busy weekend IRL, and pretty much nothing going on in my "infertile life" besides Clomid again. Clomid starts tonight, CD 3. Unless I suddenly start developing side-effects that I haven't experienced before, I won't really have much to say.

The only thing I can think of is that I was such an airhead. The pharmacy called me to verify my order, and said "Just HCG, right?" And all of a sudden I was like, wait a sec! I never even brought up the progesterone to my doctor - like, if she thought it helped, if it was pointless, should I be taking it this cycle, etc. I had to call the clinic and verify that yes, I should take progesterone, ask them to call the pharmacy, and then the clinic called me right back to point out that I had refills on the progesterone so I could just order it myself. Oh. Right. Whoops.

Meds to arrive on Monday. Second ultra-sound next Friday. Next Saturday I'm supposed to go up to the foothills/mountains for a girls weekend with friends. Now I'll either have to come back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning for a Sunday IUI, or I'll have to give myself my injection in my friend's bathroom Saturday night for a Monday IUI, and then ask to store my meds in her fridge. Either way, it's going to be a little awkward. And I really don't want to miss the wildflower hike she's planning, so I hope the timing works out for me one way or another.

But it will be well worth it, no matter what. I'm determined to be optimistic about this cycle.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Here we go again - Clomid cycle #3, IUI cycle #2

AF arrived yesterday, more with a whisper than a bang. And in fact, she seemed to be hiding again this morning, although the cramps are still with me. I have my ultrasound scheduled for this afternoon.

My husband, though, that's another matter. He surprised me yesterday by asking about our options after we consider ourselves to be done with IUIs - pretty much only IVF. Then he started talking about all the stuff infertiles hear all the time - that maybe it's not meant to be, IVF is unnatural, and maybe we were meant to adopt some child that needs a good home.

I have a lot more I could say about that, but I don't think I can do it right now. I think it's something that needs a lot more thinking about before I can express it in words. So for now, I'm just going to leave it as it is - just one of our not-so-many options, all options about which I have very mixed feelings.

I'm feeling very sad and weepy today. Hopefully getting to leave work early and spend the afternoon at home after my ultrasound will make me feel better.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Still here, still twiddling my thumbs. And, unfortunately, still wondering what if?

I took my last prometrium on Sunday night. Tuesday afternoon and no sign of AF. I had a couple cramps earlier and was convinced it was coming, but I guess not yet.

I'm anxious to move on.

My last HPT was a cheapy dollar store test yesterday morning at 15 dpo. I'm still wondering ... what if?

If no AF by tomorrow morning, I will do one last HPT, just for peace of mind. Then I will just be resigned to this purgatory of waiting. At least with the 2ww there is a deadline!

Monday, April 13, 2009


I was a bit surprised and touched to see the responses to my last post. I was very tired and feeling overdramatic and moody and weepy. I had a good cry and felt a bit ridiculous for myself, and also annoyed at my own self-pity. I've seen so many other IF-ers going through SO much more than I am, and I know I'm still at the beginning of the road.

So on Saturday morning after my post, my husband got up and we went for a long bike ride through a beautiful green valley with wildflowers everywhere and my spirits lifted a lot. The rest of the weekend went well.

I'm not having a beta. I guess my clinic doesn't do that for an IUI? Or unless you get a positive on a HPT? I don't know why. I had negative HPTs yesterday and today, but no AF, likely because of the progesterone.

I called the clinic this morning and was told to stop the progesterone and wait for AF. If it doesn't arrive by Friday, I'm to take another HPT and call with the results. Even though I know that this cycle is over, I'm not going to stick a BFN over there on the sidebar until AF arrives. I want it to be official. It is a little sobering to realize, as another blogger mentioned (and I'm sorry, I don't remember who), that I will not be having a baby in 2009.

So that's that. Although I did know that progesterone can delay AF, for some reason I didn't make the connection that it would therefore delay my next IUI attempt. I'm a little bit bummed about that. Impatience is the name of the game for me.

Congrats to those of you who got BFPs in the last week!

P.S. If anyone has experience with progesterone and delayed AF, I'd love your insight.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Am I an idiot?

I did it. I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep, trying to decide if I should test a day early. I have several of those super-sensitive tests that say they are 95% accurate the day before your expected period. I finally gave in at 5:45.

Negative, of course.

I couldn't sleep after that. I feel like shit. Why is this happening to me?

Friday, April 10, 2009

2 days to go

12 dpo, 2 days to go.

I'm so tempted to test tomorrow, but I swear I won't. One of the reasons I want to is that tomorrow we're going biking in wine country, and then to a friend's house for dinner, and I want to know if I can drink more than half a glass of wine for the day. Problem is, if it's negative, I know there's a chance it won't be accurate yet because it's early, so I don't think testing tomorrow will help.

(Even though I bought the super-fancy early-testing HPTs, right? I should still not test a day early, right?)

I have been feeling sick and tired from the prometrium, so I left work early yesterday, went home, and took a nap. I feel much better today, much less crampy. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

This wait is so frustrating. I am trying very hard to not get my hopes up, because I have serious doubts that even with the medications we could get pregnant on our own. I'm trying to remember that a BFN on Sunday means a call to the RE on Monday to set up my baseline ultrasound, and that a new IUI cycle has begun. I know that my rational brain will see it this way, but my heart will still feel broken.

Trying to stay upbeat but not TOO upbeat. It's a gray morning, but the sun is supposed to make an appearance later today. I'm looking forward to an evening out with my husband, a day of biking and a dinner with friends tomorrow, and then an early Sunday morning POAS session. I'm just hoping the time passes quickly (like these next 8 hours at work - they are going to be TOUGH!).

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Sock It To Me

Hey ! Finally! A picture of my beee-you-tiful socks! My sock partner was Beautiful Mess, and she sent me the cheeriest, happiest socks you can imagine. Take a look:

I was so happy to receive my socks in the mail, and I've worn them to every RE visit since (and a few other times, too). They're so perfect for this time of year, I'm trying to figure out an outfit so that I can wear them on Easter - especially since that's going to be the day of my HPT.

Beautiful Mess and SITM were great introductions to the IF blogging world. I started my blog back in, um, October? Mostly because I was feeling so much pain and had to write it down. I kept it password protected, and almost never commented on others' blogs because I was too shy and felt that until I reached one year of ttc, I didn't really belong.

Once I got up my courage, I commented on Murgdan's blog, and she started checking in on me once in a while. That gave me even more courage, and I started to get involved. Somehow I stumbled onto Kym's blog, and found the SITM sock exchange - I thought it was a great idea. I was so excited to pick out socks for my sock buddy, Battynurse, and to get my socks from Beautiful Mess. And that opened up a whole new world of blogs and support.

I love being part of this network of support. The reactions I get from my bloggie friends are so different than from people I know IRL, and people here actually understand what I'm talking about and what I'm going through in a way that my IRL friends (and even my husband) just can't. It's been a great support, even on the days when I just want to cry on the couch and wait for bedtime. And honestly, being able to hope against hope for others takes a lot of the focus off of thinking only of myself, which is great. Being a part of a support team has been just as rewarding as having a support team.

So ... thank all of you! Thanks Beautiful Mess for my socks, and everyone else for all the words of hope!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

This week is SO SLOW

10 dpo, 4 days to go.

I have nothing exciting to write about, I'm sorry.

Life is fun right now, but work is boring, and work is where I spend most of my time. It's really tough to get through each day, sitting at my desk in this cubicle surrounded by paper, the blinking message light on my phone, constant inane emails from the same people over and over who don't understand what I'm trying to tel them.

The Banff Mountain Film Festival last night was pretty good, it always helps to put things in perspective, watching films about nature and the mountains and the beauty of the outdoors. And it was nice to see a few friends, even if I was stressed out that we were late (I have to get over that).

There are so many blogs I'm reading in which the writers expect to know within the next week if their current cycle is successful. I'm happy to count myself as one of them, even though without the IUI I don't have much faith in a BFP.

I'm already picturing getting up to POAS and being able to crawl back into bed and tell my husband that it worked. It's a really, really nice fantasy that makes me really happy.

I'm trying to balance it out by picturing what I'll do if it's negative, too. But that really depresses me. I want to maintain a zen state of mind, but it's pretty hard to do.

I think I might be having some prometrium side effects - I feel slightly crampy, like I'm pre-AF, and have been feeling it for the last couple days. I also seem to be experiencing some skin issues (ugh, zits). I have no idea if either is related to the meds, though. I feel like so far I've gotten off pretty light as far as the progesterone goes.

Sunday is 14 dpo. I'm tempted to POAS on Saturday - since my last HCG shot was so much less than it was supposed to be (0.2 cc's instead of 0.5), I'm thinking that it shouldn't cause a false positive. But my goal is to hold out until Sunday. I'm going to really try.

4 days to go.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Nothing to write home about

I'm just hangin' out waitin' for the end of the week. 8dpo, 6 days to go.

In the meantime, I thought I'd write about my thoughts, as well as a few things I'm doing to keep myself busy and distracted.

1. Dinner tonight - we're having our poor realtor and his family for dinner. He has been working with us for over 2 years and hasn't been able to sell us a house yet. So we're having a multi-course dinner for his family - probably around 4 appetizers (scallops stuffed with basil and garlic, boiled prawns with homemade mayo, bruschetta with lardo (an Italian meat), and pickled vegetables), handmade pasta (with either leek and butter sauce, or porcini mushroom and tomato sauce), some sort of pork cooked Italian-style (by my super Italian husband), asparagus with butter and parmesan cheese, and finally dessert - hazelnut cookies with nutella and mascarpone filling and homemade vanilla ice cream. I'm expecting to feel sick from eating too much. But OMG it's going to be so yummy.

2. Banff Mountain Film Festival tomorrow night! Not sure if anyone reading this is into mountains and being outdoorsy, but I can tell ya, I'm excited!

3. Thought #1 - this month will not result in a BFP, because we have not been able to get pregnant from timed intercourse before, and the addition of one egg doesn't raise our chances by all that much.

4. Thought #2 - this month maybe has a better chance of a BFP, because we did have two eggs, and the clomid, HCG, and progesterone will hopefully solve the spotting-before-period problems which may solve the infertility problems.

5. Thought #3 - I have no idea whether either Thought #1 or Thought #2 are accurate or will even matter in the end - I think it's probably all just random luck and what happens, happens.

6. In general, I feel much less stressed this month (except for TAXES, OMG), so hopefully "just relaxing" may actually help.

7. TAXES. OMG. I haven't even STARTED yet. Freaking out to commence in 3 ... 2... 1...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Show and Tell - My mosaic

For show and tell this week, I'm showing an artistic endeavor I started sometime last fall and didn't really finish until now. I like to do crafts (I don't really consider myself an artist), and have done things like crochet for years. For whatever reason, I've always been fascinated with glass - I've taken glass fusing and glass bead-making classes, and I hope to take glass blowing some day. The other thing I've always wanted to learn is mosaic, so last fall I signed up for a class. It was much more time consuming than I expected. It took me the entire semester to complete this project, with a weekend of non-stop glass-cutting and glueing at the end so I would be able to grout it with the rest of the class.

I didn't get around to staining the frame or figuring out how to hang it up until this week, but I'm really excited to finally have this on my wall. It's about 14 inches high and 12 inches across, and the tiles are all actually glass except the leaves which are dyed mother of pearl.

Check out what other people are showing this week here.

Friday, April 3, 2009

My poor knee

No real IF updates for the moment - the progesterone probably hasn't had a chance to take effect. It is kinda messy, but I'm only taking it at night, so that's a huge benefit.

I saw the doctor for my knee this morning. I already know that I have a completely torn ACL from my previous injury, and so my knee is really unstable. I was told at that time that I didn't have to have reconstructive surgery, but this latest incident has shown me that not having the surgery could have consequences.

Luckily, this time I only injured my MCL, another ligament that almost always heals on its own. I have to wear a knee brace for 4 weeks and I can't go running or hiking, which is disappointing. But the scary thing is that the doctor said this type of thing could easily happen to me any time again in the future, and next time I might not be so lucky. Next time, I could seriously damage another part of my knee, which could be problematic in itself, and all the damage could also eventually lead to arthritis.

I'm sitting here in my knee brace contemplating my options. I wish I had the surgery two years ago when this first happened. By the time I recovered from the injury, I wasn't ready for another long rehabilitation after surgery, and then we started ttc, so I was confident that I would repair it after my pregnancy. Now here I am two years later with another injury and no pregnancy in sight. I have no idea how pregnancy will affect surgery, nor how having a baby or a toddler would impact my options. I don't even know how to consider my options because of the constant possibility, no matter how small, of pregnancy.

Will carrying extra weight during pregnancy cause more knee problems? But would scheduling a surgery become a problem if I were to find out I was pregnant? Can they even do knee surgery while you're pregnant? Should we stop ttc? I'm confused and frustrated.

So in sum - I'm happy I have no real damage and in 4 weeks I will be, not as good as new, but as good as I was 5 weeks ago. Then I'll have to make some decisions concerning the combination of knee injury, surgery, and ttc.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Injection Super-heroine!

Yup, that's me! I gave myself my own injection! I'm SO proud of myself.

Granted, it was supposed to be 0.5 cc, and I only had 0.2 cc left. That's what gave me the courage to do it - knowing it would be really quick.

And also, because I'm a dumb-ass, I left my purse at my office. Luckily, the really nice train conductor believed me when I told him I had a monthly pass and let me go home anyway.

Hopefully tomorrow I find out how badly I messed up my knee. And how much the progesterone suppositories are going to affect me, since I take the first one tonight. Eek.

Still 10 days left in the 2ww.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Mother's Day alternative

Hey y'all! Here's another awesome IF event to participate in if you feel the need for some community and good vibes. Even if we are struggling to become mothers, there's absolutely no reason why we can't feel good on May 10, too. Click on the link below to find out how you can participate.

This week is almost half-way over!

I can't really complain, because yesterday was a holiday for me, and it was SO NICE not to have to go to work. I did chores and ran errands and met up with a few friends (one with a new baby, the other pregnant). Best of all, my knee feels much better. Still gimpy, but better.

I'm feeling surprisingly calm about this "cycle" (not sure I should really call it a cycle, since the IUI was cancelled). We did our first HCG booster injection Monday night, and it went really well. We're getting to be pros. Unfortunately, this new brand of HCG that we're using seems to regularly cause that annoying reaction of a big raised red spot that's a bit painful, but it's pretty minor all in all. Tomorrow is the last booster injection and the start of progesterone. I'll have, I think, 10 days of progesterone before I get to do a HPT.

It's weird to be so hopeful and yet so calm and zen at the same time - hopeful because of the progesterone and the good reaction to the clomid, zen because we cancelled the IUI so it's totally understandable if it doesn't work. I like it. It's a nice place to be. (It would be nicer if it was already next Wednesday, but you can't have everything).

Yesterday afternoon I met up with my friend with a new baby, one of the few who know we've been trying, partly because we started trying around the time they started trying for the second time. I don't know exactly what happened with their first try - surgery and a miscarriage, not sure in which order and if one caused the other. This friend is very "all-natural", into homeopathy, organics, and so on. I agree with her on a lot of things (I think plastics and non-organics are probably pretty bad for babies, for example), but she is religiously zealous about that kind of stuff. She once encouraged me to stop taking antibiotics for a tick bite after they really upset my stomach. She doesn't believe in taking any drugs that aren't strictly necessary. She had a totally natural childbirth, and doesn't believe in medical intervention unless it is, again, strictly necessary.

I was a wimp - I knew I couldn't tell her about the clomid and HCG and IUIs. She was surprised that we were already seeing a fertility specialist, especially since our tests showed we had nothing wrong. She didn't understand why we would need treatment if nothing was wrong. I was afraid of being judged. I only told her about the progesterone, explaining how I spotted before my periods, which could indicate a problem, and that this could possibly be the fix we were looking for. She was pretty understanding about it, but I could tell she didn't particularly approve.

The whole episode was an eye-opener for me. It made me see how and why some people don't approve of fertility treatment. In this case, I don't believe that her opinion would be that if we can't conceive naturally, we shouldn't have children. It wasn't a religious problem for her, it wasn't "God's plan". I know if she was in this situation, she would be researching herbs and looking into homeopathic alternatives. I also know that if testing had found problems, she would address them sooner or later. But I could tell she thought we were being impatient, we wanted instant gratification. We couldn't just let nature take its course.

So that's Wednesday morning - lessons learned, a less gimpy knee, and hopefully a fun weekend looming on the horizon.