POAS

I didn't POAS. I'm still giving myself HCG supplemental injections, so I'd get a positive for sure.

But I went to the dollar store to buy at least a few HPTs (or maybe more if I wanted to test out the HCG), and they didn't have any! Where the HPTs had been were now piles and piles of OPKs! I mean, WTF? Probably some idiot had no idea there was a difference. The dollar store variety of HPTs and OPKs look pretty much the same, only the name on the box is different. What a bunch of morons.

So I will not be testing out the trigger, and I WILL be waiting for the 4th of July to test. Although - when I had the IUI, it was with a different doctor and nurse than I usually see because it was on a Saturday. And she said, as we were walking out the door, "Make sure you don't test before 16 days!"

Um ... really? Because I thought 14 was pretty standard. Whatever, I'm testing anyway.

I was so sure I'd be able to maintain my zen from last cycle, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm impatient, irritable, and cranky. I'm usually annoyed with most of the people around me, including my wonderful husband. And I know that next week is going to be much worse.

I am so very happy for all the bloggers who are getting BFPs right now. Especially since many of them are third-time IUIers, and that gives me so much hope. Still, psychologically, I'm having a hard time with the fact that most of the blogs that I follow have transitioned, in the last 2 days to 5 months, from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs. But I'm trying to be optimistic and think that maybe that means that my turn must be coming soon, too.

Um ...?

UPDATED: Test was negative. Of course. I feel suddenly very sad.

Original post:

AF arrived at 4am on Saturday morning, at least 2 days early. I was not expecting it and totally unprepared. I also had a lot of cramping.

This morning (Monday), I got up, prepared for a new week and to call the clinic for my baseline, and voila. No more period. Um ... a 25-day cycle with tons of mid-cycle spotting, followed by a 2-day period? And actually, my last period was only 3 days, too. WTF?

The clinic scheduled me for a baseline tomorrow, but asked me to take a HPT today. Of course, I had just peed, so now I have to wait until I need to pee again to take the test.

I hate this. I had no expectations, this month just flew by, I had a great time. I also spent the last few days eating sushi, oysters, and cheese, and drinking tons of wine. I was ready to look to another treatment cycle with a peaceful heart. I don't want to take a HPT. I especially don't want to wait a few hours to be able to take it. I don't want to have that little bit of hope show up that will make my disappointment so much greater.

OK, I'm being a little melodramatic. I'm still excited about starting a new cycle. I hope I've learned a lot about hope, expectations, disappointment, obsession, and patience from this break cycle.

And btw, I'll post a pic or two of my garden when I get home this evening =)

2 days to go

12 dpo, 2 days to go.

I'm so tempted to test tomorrow, but I swear I won't. One of the reasons I want to is that tomorrow we're going biking in wine country, and then to a friend's house for dinner, and I want to know if I can drink more than half a glass of wine for the day. Problem is, if it's negative, I know there's a chance it won't be accurate yet because it's early, so I don't think testing tomorrow will help.

(Even though I bought the super-fancy early-testing HPTs, right? I should still not test a day early, right?)

I have been feeling sick and tired from the prometrium, so I left work early yesterday, went home, and took a nap. I feel much better today, much less crampy. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

This wait is so frustrating. I am trying very hard to not get my hopes up, because I have serious doubts that even with the medications we could get pregnant on our own. I'm trying to remember that a BFN on Sunday means a call to the RE on Monday to set up my baseline ultrasound, and that a new IUI cycle has begun. I know that my rational brain will see it this way, but my heart will still feel broken.

Trying to stay upbeat but not TOO upbeat. It's a gray morning, but the sun is supposed to make an appearance later today. I'm looking forward to an evening out with my husband, a day of biking and a dinner with friends tomorrow, and then an early Sunday morning POAS session. I'm just hoping the time passes quickly (like these next 8 hours at work - they are going to be TOUGH!).

This week is SO SLOW

10 dpo, 4 days to go.

I have nothing exciting to write about, I'm sorry.

Life is fun right now, but work is boring, and work is where I spend most of my time. It's really tough to get through each day, sitting at my desk in this cubicle surrounded by paper, the blinking message light on my phone, constant inane emails from the same people over and over who don't understand what I'm trying to tel them.

The Banff Mountain Film Festival last night was pretty good, it always helps to put things in perspective, watching films about nature and the mountains and the beauty of the outdoors. And it was nice to see a few friends, even if I was stressed out that we were late (I have to get over that).

There are so many blogs I'm reading in which the writers expect to know within the next week if their current cycle is successful. I'm happy to count myself as one of them, even though without the IUI I don't have much faith in a BFP.

I'm already picturing getting up to POAS and being able to crawl back into bed and tell my husband that it worked. It's a really, really nice fantasy that makes me really happy.

I'm trying to balance it out by picturing what I'll do if it's negative, too. But that really depresses me. I want to maintain a zen state of mind, but it's pretty hard to do.

I think I might be having some prometrium side effects - I feel slightly crampy, like I'm pre-AF, and have been feeling it for the last couple days. I also seem to be experiencing some skin issues (ugh, zits). I have no idea if either is related to the meds, though. I feel like so far I've gotten off pretty light as far as the progesterone goes.

Sunday is 14 dpo. I'm tempted to POAS on Saturday - since my last HCG shot was so much less than it was supposed to be (0.2 cc's instead of 0.5), I'm thinking that it shouldn't cause a false positive. But my goal is to hold out until Sunday. I'm going to really try.

4 days to go.

IUI #1 - BFN

I peed on a stick, even though I saw some faint blood this morning. We wanted to be sure. Are the digital sticks really better? Is it such a great thing to see "Not Pregnant" spelled out like that? I don't really know.

Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.

I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.

Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.

I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.

I don't want to be sad on my vacation.

I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.

Fuck all of this.

12dpiui #1

I'm in Italy, and things are really good from every viewpoint except the infertility one. The weather here is extremely cold, but sunny and beautiful. It's really nice to see friends and family here, and my Italian has improved a lot, as it does every visit. I've already spent a day cross-country skiing, and the landscape is absolutely gorgeous under all this snow.

Actually, one thing besides infertility that is not going so well is sleep. I'm terribly jet-lagged, and last night finally managed to get a full 9 hours of sleep, although I had a break from 2am to 5am in which I could not sleep. It sort of reminds me of infertility (maybe tonight it will happen!).

As far as infertility goes - I have had very mild, period-like cramps for days. It's hard to say what it's related to, because I've been terribly dehydrated and jet-lagged, and not feeling top-notch in general, so it could be anything. Last night I had the tiniest amount of spotting. My boobs have been sore for days now. The mixed messages are killing me. But because of the spotting, I'm pretty much expecting AF in the next day or two, although I'm sure the hope won't completely die until it happens, and then it'll hit me hard.

Although in some ways it will be nice, b/c then at least I can drink all the lovely Italian wine that is offered to me.

I'm sorely tempted to take a pg test, but it's only been 8 days since my last HCG injection. If I get a negative it could be b/c it's too early, and if I get a positive, it could be b/c I still have HCG in my system. I know I should just wait it out a few more days, but man! I want to know RIGHT NOW!

Infertility sure brings out the best in me. Instead of actually having children, I start acting like one.

Scratch that

8:30 am

So ignore what I said yesterday about OPK and POAS. Well, don't ignore it. But consider that I POASed last night at 10pm (because I forgot) and got a fairly dark line. Not a positive. But ... well, I'm hopeful. I'll have to keep L busy for the next few days =) Will update during the day about POAS for today.

1:30 pm

Did my POAS thing at noon. Got an almost positive or positive (it was really hard to tell). So happy that we took care of things yesterday.

Feels like I'm standing still

3rd day of POAS. Still pretty much nothing. A bit weird b/c I was expecting O on maybe Friday/Saturday, so I would think I'd start getting some fade-in lines already. Weird.

So the doctor called me back the other day. She told me that since I was being so persistent, I could do another test that would tell them what my uterus looks like, since they didn’t get a good look at the HSG. She didn’t tell me what the test was, though, and I was on my way to the train station so I didn’t want to schedule it yet.

I was a little irritated with the “persistent” comment. Who wouldn’t be persistent? Also, I thought she’d talk more about what to expect, future plans, etc. She seems convinced I don’t have a problem, so she doesn’t even address the possibilities. I’m frustrated.

Anyway, I called and scheduled the appointment, but it’s borderline too late for next cycle, depending on when I get AF. The test is a sonohysterogram, which in my opinion is a bit redundant after the HSG (and confusing since it’s a SHG). I think I will keep the appointment for now, see if and when I get AF, and then possibly reschedule for the following month.

On the other hand, if we just got a diagnosis of unexplained fertility, maybe we could start on some medication. I really don’t mind waiting a couple more months, but I don’t want to wait too much longer. At this point, I’ll be 31 at the earliest if we have a baby. If we really do have a problem, maybe 32 or 33, and if we decide to have more than one, who knows how old I’ll be at that point? I don’t want to be heading towards 40 for a second or possibly third child (or heaven forbid a first, still).

So many of the bloggers I’m reading are pg after years of IF and they’re in their 20’s. That scares me. I know I’m not old, but I only have a few years left before my age is automatically a factor. That scares me too.

I am feeling rather tired and weary of this whole thing. I hope I can enjoy the holidays, keep busy, and stop worrying about it all. Unfortunately, after the holidays, there’s nothing much to distract me. And the next cycle’s O date is right around when I have to give a presentation to a room full of people at a big conference. Talk about stress!

Well, here’s to wishful thinking for a wonderful Christmas present.

POAS, rinse, repeat

First day of OPK POAS. Extremely faint line. I'm predicting a positive around Friday, give or take a couple days. I’m tired of POASing.

I called the doctor’s office this morning, too, but I got a message saying there was a high volume of calls. I’m not terribly interested in waiting on the phone, especially since there was no hold music and I kept getting suspicious that my cell phone had dropped the call. It was weird. I’ll call again this afternoon.

Although, I’m not sure what I’m going to ask. I hate to go in for an appointment just for her to tell me to wait a couple months. I hope if that’s what she has in mind, she does it over the phone.
I think this month’s two-week wait will be excruciating, but at least we’ll know around Christmas/New Years.