30 days to go

I missed my prenatal appointment Thursday because Tadpole was sick, so I rescheduled it for Friday afternoon.  I also missed the last La Leche League meeting I am expecting to be able to get to until little Nameless is born, which was a bit disappointing, since I've been hoping to have more support set up ahead of time, but I know I can work on that in other ways.

As I've mentioned before things seem to be moving quickly and slowly at the same time.  It's already October, yesterday I was exactly one month from my due date.  Our au pair arrives in less than three weeks, and I'm starting to make plans for what will happen if I go into labor before she arrives and gets settled in.  In any case, she can't be left alone with the kids for more than 10 hours in one day, so I'll need back-up help at any point when I go into labor.  But I also need to be sure that she knows the kids' schedule and can at least get them to school with all the things they need for a couple days, while my sister and other friends can handle evenings and nights for at least a day or two.  I'm hoping against hope that this birth goes quick, has no complications, and that I'll be out of the hospital quickly.

In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy, and mostly succeeding.  I'm sleeping pretty well, thanks to my willingness to take medicine to get to that point.  I love feeling little Nameless kick me, and treasuring it, knowing that I'll never feel it again.  I feel pretty good most of the time, and maybe that's because this pregnancy is so much easier than the last one with the twins.  I'm at 35 1/2 weeks, and still no real swelling or physical complications of any sort, except for my knee problem, which I've learned to handle pretty well.  Not to say that I'd want to be pregnant forever, and I'm sure it'll get harder as I get closer to the end, but it's not bad at all this time around.

I met with a doula few days ago, and she seemed pretty cool.  Even better, she's in an apprenticeship program, and if we go through the program she's in, her mentor would also be in attendance.  Her mentor just happens to be specialized in VBACs and is a passionate advocate for them, having had a c-section and then VBAC herself.  We'll meet with the mentor this coming week, and hopefully have a plan in place, since I will be 36 weeks.  This includes 2 prenatal visits, and 1-2 postpartum visits, which I'm really excited about.  She has also already been very helpful with looking up questions I had, so I'm just very content with the current situation.

The only thing that's been troubling me recently is the dawning realization that there is going to be an ACTUAL REAL BABY arriving soon.  I mean, I obviously know that, but sometimes it hits me, just like it did when the pregnancy test was unexpectedly positive back in February.  I never published that post, but I guess I should.  Sometimes when we go to bed, I wonder what I've done to our lives and our family.  Which seems ridiculous now.  In the light of day, I'm cheerful and excited and hopeful, but when we go to bed, I start to panic.  I've often had minor anxiety attacks at bedtime, so I'm guessing this is just part of that.  I have gotten good at breathing through them, and reminding myself that I'm not being rational.  I think watching Game of Thrones season 5 right before bed isn't helping either.

So, there it is.  I wanted to record my anxieties, as well as the joy I'm getting from the end of this last pregnancy, which we're planning to be my very last.  I'm 37 years old anyway, and feeling my age, and looking forward to getting in shape and growing the beautiful family that I have and will shortly be adding to.  I'm thrilled that the uncertainty of having more kids will be behind us, because it's hung heavy on my heart these last 5 years.  This really is a great place to be.