Sorry. Again

Sorry for the long absence again.  It's been a busy, long month.  I got my substitute teaching permit!  Maybe I already told you about that.  I haven't done anything about it, though, too busy and stressed out.  We had family for Thanksgiving, my husband's parents and uncle and aunt, and it was fun and busy and awesome and tiring, and now it's Christmas time and I'm not doing so great.

Things with my mom got a bit better and now seem worse.  I finally took the step to look for a therapist.  The first one I called today got back to me at the end of the day to tell me she's not taking any more insurance patients (huh? really?!) so I made a list to call tomorrow, since apparently it's not as easy as signing up and showing up (who knew?).  I did find someone who was recommended to me by a friend who also accepts insurance, so as long as he is currently accepting patients with insurance, that will hopefully work out.  I can't go on with this, and I don't know what to do, and this lost, helpless, hopeless anxiousness has got to end.  I can't take any more guilt trips and verbal abuse.

Anyway.  I decorated for Christmas, and it was rough.  I thought the kids would be better, but they were awful.  They broke stuff, they had no patience (I should have expected that, I just didn't remember how long it would take to put the lights on the tree), they got cranky.  Turtle in particular.  It was stressful and not super fun.  And the funk I have slipped into today is weighing me down.

Life with the kids has been rough lately.  We went on vacation several weeks ago, without the kids, and Turtle started having pee accidents, and is still having them.  He seemed completely out of diapers, I wasn't even looking back, for so long ... I'm so startled to have this setback.  It's so strange, too, he doesn't pee all over himself and the floor and everything, he just pees enough to dampen his undies and his pants.  I often don't even notice until I pick him up and feel his damp pants.  I don't totally understand what's going on, I just hope it doesn't lead to a major regression.  Sigh.

Both kids are also super jealous of each other (again? or still?) when it comes to Mamma.  I can't for the life of me figure out what to do about it, and it's driving me nuts.  I DO want to start doing stuff individually with them, I think it will be a huge benefit to everyone.  Maybe that would be a good first step.

Well, it's late, and I haven't even cleaned up after dinner yet.  I'm going out to visit my mom tomorrow, and I'm dreading it as if I were going to have my teeth pulled without anesthesia.  I can't wait until I'm in the car driving home again - and I'll keep that as my cheery thought for the night while I spend the next hour cleaning up.