One week later

I've been busy here in Italy and not wanting to dwell too much on our first treatment-related BFN. It's honestly been kind of crappy having it all happen here in Italy. We have a break month now, and then we try IUI again the following month, so I don't really even have a shot at a BPF until mid-April.

Other than that, I don't have much to say. I've been drinking lots of wine, eating like a pig, and spending a lot of time skiing. Vacation is, for the most part, very nice.

I'm also dreading going back to work next week. Helloooooo stress.

Well, I'll enjoy what I've got while I've got it.

IUI #1 - BFN

I peed on a stick, even though I saw some faint blood this morning. We wanted to be sure. Are the digital sticks really better? Is it such a great thing to see "Not Pregnant" spelled out like that? I don't really know.

Can I get out of this club now? I'm sorry I joined. I didn't really want to be infertile. Really. Please, stop the ride, I want to get off.

I'm trying to look at the bright side. I can keep drinking lots of wine! But the wine is making me feel not so great. I'm really past the point in my life where I want to keep getting drunk. The only thing the wine is helping with is speaking Italian, which I seem to be doing ok when I'm sober anyway.

Today is a day for crying and sleeping on the couch, I think.

I don't want to do this again. I don't want to have to do it again after that. I don't want to have to think about IVF.

I don't want to be sad on my vacation.

I don't want to go to dinner with my husband's friend and his pregnant wife.

Fuck all of this.

12dpiui #1

I'm in Italy, and things are really good from every viewpoint except the infertility one. The weather here is extremely cold, but sunny and beautiful. It's really nice to see friends and family here, and my Italian has improved a lot, as it does every visit. I've already spent a day cross-country skiing, and the landscape is absolutely gorgeous under all this snow.

Actually, one thing besides infertility that is not going so well is sleep. I'm terribly jet-lagged, and last night finally managed to get a full 9 hours of sleep, although I had a break from 2am to 5am in which I could not sleep. It sort of reminds me of infertility (maybe tonight it will happen!).

As far as infertility goes - I have had very mild, period-like cramps for days. It's hard to say what it's related to, because I've been terribly dehydrated and jet-lagged, and not feeling top-notch in general, so it could be anything. Last night I had the tiniest amount of spotting. My boobs have been sore for days now. The mixed messages are killing me. But because of the spotting, I'm pretty much expecting AF in the next day or two, although I'm sure the hope won't completely die until it happens, and then it'll hit me hard.

Although in some ways it will be nice, b/c then at least I can drink all the lovely Italian wine that is offered to me.

I'm sorely tempted to take a pg test, but it's only been 8 days since my last HCG injection. If I get a negative it could be b/c it's too early, and if I get a positive, it could be b/c I still have HCG in my system. I know I should just wait it out a few more days, but man! I want to know RIGHT NOW!

Infertility sure brings out the best in me. Instead of actually having children, I start acting like one.

Friends

Serious pity party today. Poor me. Some married friends came over last night, ostensibly to see us before we left for Italy. In reality, it turned out, they wanted to tell us in person about their pregnancy because they would be announcing it at a party they are throwing next weekend, when we won’t be here.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, so happy for them. They are good friends, nice people, and definitely deserve every little bit of happiness. They have no idea that we’ve been trying, or how long we’ve been trying, or that we’ve been through months of testing, or that we’re being treated for infertility.

They’ve asked us when we’re going to have kids, in a gentle, joking sort of way that is usually easy to brush off, but with the news from them last night is much harder. They’ll have a baby in 6 months. Where will we be in 6 months? I just don’t know.

I already had one friend confide in me, around the time we started trying, that she and her husband lost their first pregnancy due to the discovery of a polyp on her ovary. Since then, she’s had surgery, gotten pregnant, and just delivered her son. I was sure at first that we would share the pregnancy experience, and it would bring us closer together, because God knows I need some good friends in my little town. Then after a while I thought, well, at least I won’t be too far behind, and we can still share the experience of being new mothers. Now she has gone far ahead of me, and I don’t know if I can catch up. I told her at the beginning that we were trying, too. After a while, she stopped asking for news. I’m sure she’s busy with her newborn, but I wish she would, once in a while, think of me.

It’s true, actually, that even amongst the pregnancy announcements flying around, one friend has apparently been ttc since sometime last summer (I heard this second- or third-hand). I wonder if I should break down my wall of silence and reach out to her. If sharing this experience could help us both. But then I fear that for them it will just be a fluke (after all, they’re well under a year of ttc, and for all I know could be pregnant now), and I will have shown some serious vulnerability, and they’ll be pregnant.

I think maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself in order to try to prevent myself from being too hopeful, as a way of self-protection, self-preservation. Despite everything, I still can’t help hoping that this month is it. We’ve got EVERYTHING going for us, after all. But as I’m quickly learning in this incredibly unfair experience, that probably doesn’t matter at all.

2ww

Only three days until I leave for Italy, wheeeee! The next few days should be quite busy - tonight we visit with friends before we leave, Tuesday I do our last load of laundry, Wednesday we pack. Thursday I sleep in!!!!! We leave for the airport probably around noon on Thursday. Yay!

Which means we land in France Friday afternoon (early Friday morning here) and arrive in Italy Friday evening (still Friday morning here).

So that means right now I have about 9 days left in the 2ww, and when we arrive it will be about 5 days left. Five days full of delicious Italian food and fantastic Italian skiing.

I am determined to put off taking a HPT until Wednesday, February 18, which is both exactly 2 weeks after the IUI and 10 days after my last HCG shot, which is the minimum amount of time for both of those factors. I definitely need to wait for the HCG to clear my system so I don't get a false positive. All of this assuming that AF doesn't come before then, of course.

I did my last HCG shot yesterday (or rather my hubby did). It was supposed to be .5 cc, but we only had about .3 ccs left, probably not even that. Super easy, I'm not worried about having to do this again at all.

I also bought some HPTs - two different kinds, although they're both digital and actually say "pregnant" or, more likely, "not pregnant" rather than doing the two-pink-line thing.

It would be nice to NOT have to buy them before I miss my period (which is my usual modus operandi, which is why I've almost never bought a HPT before) and help avoid getting my hopes up, but my hubby's town in Italy is teensy tiny and there would be no way to buy one there and keep hush hush about it. If they even sell them there. Because really, in a town of 500 people, what girl would buy a pregnancy test at the local pharmacy?

Not to mention, I'd rather have the instructions and everything in my native language

Injection #2

... was a breeze. It sure does get easier to do these things.

I still don't know if I could do it to myself, and I do wish my hubby would go a bit faster, but I know he's trying to be careful and not hurt me.

CD 17 today. 2dpiui. 6 days until I leave for Italy. 12 days until I want to wait to test. Hopefully I don't break down and test earlier - although with the time difference, if I test Wednesday morning it's Tuesday night here, so even if I wait it will still be slightly early.

I hate the two-week wait!

Update on IUI #1

Today is CD 16 (I think?).

Yesterday I ended up having horrible cramping most of the day after the IUI. I ended up taking some pain killers with dinner. Luckily today I feel fine.

Except I have HCG shot #2 tonight. Well, I'm much less nervous than last time. Actually, it wasn't the injection that hurt last time, it was how sore the spot was for the next 24 hours.

I have a lot to keep my mind busy during the 2ww (like my 15-hour flight to Italy), so hopefully the time will FLY by. Only 13 days to go.

Big day - IUI #1

Today's the big day. I'm so ready. I'm MORE than ready.

As a special gift, I logged on to Facebook this morning (b/c I'm "working" from home before the appointment) and saw that my friend from college, who already has beautiful identical twin 3-year-olds, is expecting his third baby with his beautiful wife.

I never thought I would be the crazy jealous infertile type, but I felt, seriously, like I had been kicked in the stomach. Normally I can muster up some happiness for my newly pregnant friends, and recognize that my bitterness is not aimed at the person but rather at the universe, but not today. Today I am bitter not only at the universe but at every. single. person. in it. Except other infertile people, of course.

I'm getting over it, and trying to get excited for my IUI, which is only 2.5 hours away. I'll update later on how that goes.


Update: The IUI went really well!

We went there around 11, but apparently they weren’t done washing L’s sperm yet, so we had to wait almost a half hour. Then they called us back and let me get ready. They brought in a little test-tube with some pink liquid in it and showed us that it was labeled with our names and then went over a few of the results of the SA that they had done. It was great – 120 million before wash, 35 million after, which is I guess fantastic.

After that, they showed me how they drew up the spermies into the catheter and talked us through it while they injected it. Other than the usual discomfort of the speculum, I didn’t feel anything.

Then they spoke with us briefly about our chances (15-20%) and told me to take the extra HCG shots tomorrow and Sunday to trigger my body to keep producing progesterone. Since I usually have spotting before AF, both the Clomid and the HCG should help with that.

And that’s it. I’m officially in the 2ww. I’ll be doing an HPT in Italy around February 18, give or take a few days, and I won’t have much to do infertility-wise until then.

I'm now an injection veteran

I did it!

Actually, my husband did it. I had to take my first HCG shot last night at 11pm. It was definitely tough for me to stay up that late. I got everything ready around 10:45 without a problem, but I was shaking. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, so I just asked L if he would do it.

And it went ok. It did hurt a little bit, and it seemed to take forever, and it actually still hurts a bit to touch, but I’m not nearly as freaked out for the next two (which are only half the amount, so they will be twice as fast). I may even try to do the last one myself. We’ll see.

Tomorrow is the big day. I’m crossing my fingers and just about everything else (except my legs, of course).

Big, huge, ginormous sigh of relief

I had an awesome appointment at the IF clinic this morning. The Clomid did its job, I guess. We saw two nicely sized follicles (too big maybe? 22-23mm) plus one that was borderline – just under the threshold for maturity (~14mm). So, 2-3 possibilities there. Yay! We’re both really excited.

We also got instructed on how to do the HCG shot. They’re NOT intramuscular. Praise God. I don’t know why they include those instructions that freaked me out. They let us practice with real syringes, and I feel pretty comfortable. I’m not sure yet if I’ll do it myself or if Loris will do it, I guess we’ll see how I feel when the time comes. The time, by the way, will come at 11pm tonight.

THEN I have to do two more injections, one on Thursday and one on Sunday. I hope those will be a piece of cake after this first one. They said I’m doing two more to boost my hormone levels.

The IUI is scheduled for Wednesday at 11am. I’m so ready for this. I’m so excited.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but I have a question for you. If you’re going through IUI or IVF, or have done so in the past, has your husband or partner come to all of your appointments with you? They’re starting to add up to a lot of missed work.

Or if you haven’t done those treatments yet, but are planning to, will your husband or partner come to all of the appointments with you?