I keep forgetting that I have that little ticker at the top of my screen, counting down the days for me. Somehow Saturday seems like more than 4 days away.
Some friends have been planning a 4th of July camping weekend at Lake Tahoe. I originally told them my husband and I would be interested, but then he said he couldn't go because he has to work.
Unlike most of my friends, who are driving up to the mountains on Friday, I don't get Friday off. Instead, I get a holiday credit to use whenever I want,and considering vacation plans, upcoming knee surgery, IVF, and Christmas in Italy, I need to save those days whenever I can. Also, I want to be home Saturday morning to do the HPT, I'd really rather not do it in a tent. Even more importantly, I want to be with my husband when I do it.
But I don't really want to sit around all weekend while my husband is working. So I've almost decided to drive up by myself on Saturday, after testing, and spend the weekend with my friends. I'm not a big 4th of July fan, but my husband is not American and REALLY doesn't care.
And if the test is negative, as it almost certainly will be, I really don't want to be sitting around at home while my husband works and my friends are partying and hiking at Lake Tahoe. That will be so depressing.
I think I just talked myself into it for sure. Lake Tahoe here I come!
... in 4 more days. Sigh.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Crazy 8's (9dpo, 5 days to go)
Note - this last week flew by, and so did the weekend. Here's to hoping that this next week goes just as fast =)
Whoops! Just saw that I was tagged by Mugsy over at Drive Fast. Take Chances for this meme, and didn't realize it until now.
I've seen this meme floating around and thought I should do it anyway, so here goes:
The rules:
Mention the person who tagged me - done
Complete the list of 8’s - done
Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them - probably not, but feel free to do it if you like!
Eight things I am looking forward to:
Trip to Alaska, August 2009 (yay!)
Knee surgery (or really, having a fixed knee)
Going to Italy for Christmas
The first heirloom tomatoes from my garden
Swim practice after work today
Taking my future children on outdoor adventures
Doing at least one triathlon this summer
Girls backpacking trip with my college friend later this summer
Eight things I did yesterday:
Watered the garden
Made goat cheese (yum!)
Saw my first almost-red tomato
Sat in the swimming pool reading about Alaska
Had an "Addicted to Chocolate" shake at Ben and Jerry's
Got a new swimsuit and goggles
Visisted my friend's vegetable garden
Went for a bike ride before it got crazy hot
Eight things I wish I could do:
Get pregnant! (duh)
Get first place in a triathlon
Be more assertive
Play the cello (or violin)
Grow lots more vegetables (potatoes!)
Buy a nice house for a decent price in Davis (ha!)
Have livestock (chickens, goats, etc.)
Find a job that I really love
Eight shows I watch:
I don't watch ANY of these regularly, b/c we have no cable/digital TV or whatever you need; we watch stuff online, get netflix, or borrow from the library. Also, I just don't watch much TV. So these are a few shows I've watched occasionally in the last few years (not even sure if some of them are still on!).
Scrubs
Lost
Friends
That 70's Show
Gilmore Girls
The Simpsons
Trading Spaces
That's all I can think of, sorry =)
Eight favorite fruits:
Melons
Mandarins
Apples
Kiwis
Strawberries
Cherries
Oranges
Mangos
Eight places I’d like to travel:
New Zealand
Australia
Scotland
Ireland
Africa
South America
India
Polynesia
Eight places I’ve lived:
Saratoga, CA
Roseville, CA
Granite Bay, CA
Berkeley, CA
Boston, MA
Paris, France (just for a summer)
Davis, CA
Vinadio, Italy (for short periods, it's where my husband is from)
People I’ve tagged:
No one! I think everyone else has already done it, but if you haven't be my guest!
Whoops! Just saw that I was tagged by Mugsy over at Drive Fast. Take Chances for this meme, and didn't realize it until now.
I've seen this meme floating around and thought I should do it anyway, so here goes:
The rules:
Mention the person who tagged me - done
Complete the list of 8’s - done
Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them - probably not, but feel free to do it if you like!
Eight things I am looking forward to:
Trip to Alaska, August 2009 (yay!)
Knee surgery (or really, having a fixed knee)
Going to Italy for Christmas
The first heirloom tomatoes from my garden
Swim practice after work today
Taking my future children on outdoor adventures
Doing at least one triathlon this summer
Girls backpacking trip with my college friend later this summer
Eight things I did yesterday:
Watered the garden
Made goat cheese (yum!)
Saw my first almost-red tomato
Sat in the swimming pool reading about Alaska
Had an "Addicted to Chocolate" shake at Ben and Jerry's
Got a new swimsuit and goggles
Visisted my friend's vegetable garden
Went for a bike ride before it got crazy hot
Eight things I wish I could do:
Get pregnant! (duh)
Get first place in a triathlon
Be more assertive
Play the cello (or violin)
Grow lots more vegetables (potatoes!)
Buy a nice house for a decent price in Davis (ha!)
Have livestock (chickens, goats, etc.)
Find a job that I really love
Eight shows I watch:
I don't watch ANY of these regularly, b/c we have no cable/digital TV or whatever you need; we watch stuff online, get netflix, or borrow from the library. Also, I just don't watch much TV. So these are a few shows I've watched occasionally in the last few years (not even sure if some of them are still on!).
Scrubs
Lost
Friends
That 70's Show
Gilmore Girls
The Simpsons
Trading Spaces
That's all I can think of, sorry =)
Eight favorite fruits:
Melons
Mandarins
Apples
Kiwis
Strawberries
Cherries
Oranges
Mangos
Eight places I’d like to travel:
New Zealand
Australia
Scotland
Ireland
Africa
South America
India
Polynesia
Eight places I’ve lived:
Saratoga, CA
Roseville, CA
Granite Bay, CA
Berkeley, CA
Boston, MA
Paris, France (just for a summer)
Davis, CA
Vinadio, Italy (for short periods, it's where my husband is from)
People I’ve tagged:
No one! I think everyone else has already done it, but if you haven't be my guest!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
P.S.
Here's a little bit of trivia ... if you look closely at the picture in the previous post, you will see my identical twin sister, just to my right. Cool, huh?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Show and Tell - Swimming
This is my Show and Tell - a picture from the triathlon where I got 5th place! That was one of my proudest days. That's me in the middle, in the light blue triathlon suit.
I was a high school swimmer, so when I read an article while in grad school about triathlons, I was immediately intrigued. That was about 7 or 8 years ago. Since then, I've completed 5 triathlons and 2 relay triathlons.
Swimming is still a favorite activity for me. Two months ago I joined the Davis Aquatic Masters swim team (which has been kicking my ass, btw), and I almost always leave the pool feeling refreshed and re-energized. Once in a while, the workout really kicks my ass to the point where I leave feeling a bit drained and worn out.
Today, there were two pregnant women at practice, who I've never seen (one of them maybe I just didn't notice she was pregnant, she was not THAT far along). She totally kicked my ass at practice. Then when I got out of the pool, yet another VERY pregnant woman accompanied her husband to watch his practice. Where did all these pregnant women come from?! I just wish I could block them out until the 4th of July.
Still - swimming is awesome, and so are triathlons. That's the moral of the story.
Head over the Mel's Show and Tell to see what everyone else is showing.
I was a high school swimmer, so when I read an article while in grad school about triathlons, I was immediately intrigued. That was about 7 or 8 years ago. Since then, I've completed 5 triathlons and 2 relay triathlons.
Swimming is still a favorite activity for me. Two months ago I joined the Davis Aquatic Masters swim team (which has been kicking my ass, btw), and I almost always leave the pool feeling refreshed and re-energized. Once in a while, the workout really kicks my ass to the point where I leave feeling a bit drained and worn out.
Today, there were two pregnant women at practice, who I've never seen (one of them maybe I just didn't notice she was pregnant, she was not THAT far along). She totally kicked my ass at practice. Then when I got out of the pool, yet another VERY pregnant woman accompanied her husband to watch his practice. Where did all these pregnant women come from?! I just wish I could block them out until the 4th of July.
Still - swimming is awesome, and so are triathlons. That's the moral of the story.
Head over the Mel's Show and Tell to see what everyone else is showing.
4 dpo, 10 days to go
I am twiddling my thumbs and dying of anxiety here. Where is my zen?! I need my zen.
In other news, since there is nothing at all going on for me in the ttc world, I thought I'd share a little bit more about my crazy disfunctional family. If you're not interested, skip it. Sorry! But it's the daily drama that's keeping me screaming, crying, and shaking my head in disgust.
Where was I? Right - I think I've mentioned that my mother and my sister-in-law hate each other. My brother is basically a grown-up baby who got his not-so-grown-up-baby girlfriend pregnant (apparently by accident) three and a half years ago. They got married - she wasn't old enough to drink at her own wedding, which was convenient since no one thought to bring anything to drink to their potluck shotgun wedding, not even champagne for toasts.
Two years later, despite the fact that they have huge college loans (well, just my brother, my SIL never went to college and maybe didn't graduate from HS, not sure), massive credit card debt, and two cars that they couldn't afford, they decided the time was right to have a second child. One and a half years ago, right when my husband and I started ttc. I was appalled at their lack of judgment and complete disregard for their financial situation, but excited that at least my kid would have a cousin in the area around the same age. (Hahahahahahaha!)
Incidentally, my brother wrecked BOTH of their cars within the last six months, and they bought two really nice, expensive, used cars (i.e. leather seats, CD changers, 4wd, etc.) - which, because no company in its right mind would give them a loan, my mother had to cosign for.
My nephew is now 2.5 and my niece is 8 months old. My SIL decided she'd had enough of my mother (who, admittedly, treats her like shit), packed up her car and her kids, and drove off to Washington, leaving my brother to clean up the mess and follow when he could. Which is apparently this weekend.
My mom, who has now "had it with in-laws" (including, apparently, my husband), wants to have a going-away dinner for my brother the night before my SIL arrives to help him pack (so she doesn't have to see her). And she didn't invite my husband either - she just wants the "core of the family".
She still sees herself as the center of a nuclear family with kids, despite the fact that her youngest kid is about to turn 29, two are married, and one has two kids of his own. I think she looks at my husband as sort of an annoying boyfriend who hangs around too much, and his family are interlopers who try to steal us away for what should be "family holidays" (i.e., with her).
So that is my gripe of the week. I have dealt with a lot of guilt about disliking my mother, and I have mostly gotten over it. While I admit that I love her in the sense that she is related to me and raised me, and I wish her no ill, no one ever said that you have to LIKE your relatives, even your own mother. And I am finally coming to terms with that, and feel at peace with it.
While this generally has nothing to do with ttc, my mother (and the rest of my family) is a huge source of stress in my life, and of course they will be family to any future children I may someday have, so there are some connections there.
To sum it up, thanks for reading this far!
In other news, since there is nothing at all going on for me in the ttc world, I thought I'd share a little bit more about my crazy disfunctional family. If you're not interested, skip it. Sorry! But it's the daily drama that's keeping me screaming, crying, and shaking my head in disgust.
Where was I? Right - I think I've mentioned that my mother and my sister-in-law hate each other. My brother is basically a grown-up baby who got his not-so-grown-up-baby girlfriend pregnant (apparently by accident) three and a half years ago. They got married - she wasn't old enough to drink at her own wedding, which was convenient since no one thought to bring anything to drink to their potluck shotgun wedding, not even champagne for toasts.
Two years later, despite the fact that they have huge college loans (well, just my brother, my SIL never went to college and maybe didn't graduate from HS, not sure), massive credit card debt, and two cars that they couldn't afford, they decided the time was right to have a second child. One and a half years ago, right when my husband and I started ttc. I was appalled at their lack of judgment and complete disregard for their financial situation, but excited that at least my kid would have a cousin in the area around the same age. (Hahahahahahaha!)
Incidentally, my brother wrecked BOTH of their cars within the last six months, and they bought two really nice, expensive, used cars (i.e. leather seats, CD changers, 4wd, etc.) - which, because no company in its right mind would give them a loan, my mother had to cosign for.
My nephew is now 2.5 and my niece is 8 months old. My SIL decided she'd had enough of my mother (who, admittedly, treats her like shit), packed up her car and her kids, and drove off to Washington, leaving my brother to clean up the mess and follow when he could. Which is apparently this weekend.
My mom, who has now "had it with in-laws" (including, apparently, my husband), wants to have a going-away dinner for my brother the night before my SIL arrives to help him pack (so she doesn't have to see her). And she didn't invite my husband either - she just wants the "core of the family".
She still sees herself as the center of a nuclear family with kids, despite the fact that her youngest kid is about to turn 29, two are married, and one has two kids of his own. I think she looks at my husband as sort of an annoying boyfriend who hangs around too much, and his family are interlopers who try to steal us away for what should be "family holidays" (i.e., with her).
So that is my gripe of the week. I have dealt with a lot of guilt about disliking my mother, and I have mostly gotten over it. While I admit that I love her in the sense that she is related to me and raised me, and I wish her no ill, no one ever said that you have to LIKE your relatives, even your own mother. And I am finally coming to terms with that, and feel at peace with it.
While this generally has nothing to do with ttc, my mother (and the rest of my family) is a huge source of stress in my life, and of course they will be family to any future children I may someday have, so there are some connections there.
To sum it up, thanks for reading this far!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
POAS
I didn't POAS. I'm still giving myself HCG supplemental injections, so I'd get a positive for sure.
But I went to the dollar store to buy at least a few HPTs (or maybe more if I wanted to test out the HCG), and they didn't have any! Where the HPTs had been were now piles and piles of OPKs! I mean, WTF? Probably some idiot had no idea there was a difference. The dollar store variety of HPTs and OPKs look pretty much the same, only the name on the box is different. What a bunch of morons.
So I will not be testing out the trigger, and I WILL be waiting for the 4th of July to test. Although - when I had the IUI, it was with a different doctor and nurse than I usually see because it was on a Saturday. And she said, as we were walking out the door, "Make sure you don't test before 16 days!"
Um ... really? Because I thought 14 was pretty standard. Whatever, I'm testing anyway.
I was so sure I'd be able to maintain my zen from last cycle, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm impatient, irritable, and cranky. I'm usually annoyed with most of the people around me, including my wonderful husband. And I know that next week is going to be much worse.
I am so very happy for all the bloggers who are getting BFPs right now. Especially since many of them are third-time IUIers, and that gives me so much hope. Still, psychologically, I'm having a hard time with the fact that most of the blogs that I follow have transitioned, in the last 2 days to 5 months, from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs. But I'm trying to be optimistic and think that maybe that means that my turn must be coming soon, too.
But I went to the dollar store to buy at least a few HPTs (or maybe more if I wanted to test out the HCG), and they didn't have any! Where the HPTs had been were now piles and piles of OPKs! I mean, WTF? Probably some idiot had no idea there was a difference. The dollar store variety of HPTs and OPKs look pretty much the same, only the name on the box is different. What a bunch of morons.
So I will not be testing out the trigger, and I WILL be waiting for the 4th of July to test. Although - when I had the IUI, it was with a different doctor and nurse than I usually see because it was on a Saturday. And she said, as we were walking out the door, "Make sure you don't test before 16 days!"
Um ... really? Because I thought 14 was pretty standard. Whatever, I'm testing anyway.
I was so sure I'd be able to maintain my zen from last cycle, but it is nowhere to be found. I'm impatient, irritable, and cranky. I'm usually annoyed with most of the people around me, including my wonderful husband. And I know that next week is going to be much worse.
I am so very happy for all the bloggers who are getting BFPs right now. Especially since many of them are third-time IUIers, and that gives me so much hope. Still, psychologically, I'm having a hard time with the fact that most of the blogs that I follow have transitioned, in the last 2 days to 5 months, from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs. But I'm trying to be optimistic and think that maybe that means that my turn must be coming soon, too.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Rambling and ranting
My IUI on Saturday went pretty well. I guess. The doctor had a hard time getting the catheter in, but after a few tries, I assume all was well. I always have a bit of cramping when the catheter goes in, and for a little while afterwards, but otherwise I felt totally normal.
AND I gave myself my own injection again yesterday! I'm so proud of myself. I am on yet another, different HCG (which apparently doesn't have a brand name? I'm confused about that), and the injections actually hurt. Which is why I wanted to do one myself, to see if it was my husband doing it badly, or the medicine itself. Anyway, it still hurt, so I guess it wasn't my husband. At least I haven't ended up with those awful welts I've had before.
Now I wait until ... Wednesday I think? ... to do the last injection and start the progesterone. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a bunch of dollar store tests and test out the HCG until it's out of my system, but I'm not sure I can really be bothered to do that. I'd rather just wait and try to forget about it.
I change my mind every day about whether I am optimistic or pessimistic. I am having crazy dreams about actually being pregnant, or actually getting a positive pregnancy test, or finding out about a pg test that is made especially for infertiles because ... well, I'm not sure why, or how it was supposed to be different. All I know is I was excited about it in my dream.
I had a group of friends over yesterday and we made and canned pickled vegetables, and then had a big delicious dinner. One of the friends is pregnant, and she and her husband were driving me NUTS.
I am not one of those people who will follow every pregnancy rule perfectly, because I think there's such a thing as being too cautious. I will not be stupid and get drunk, or eat raw fish, or go on a rollercoaster, or put anything besides my feet in a hot tub.
But I will probably have occasional sips of wine (especially a TASTE of VERY low-alcohol moscato late in my theoretical pregnancy when it wouldn't really matter), I will not have my husband test the host's meat with a meat thermometer to ENSURE that it is fully cooked while loudly announcing that his wife is pregnant, etc. I will not constantly draw attention to myself lamenting really trivial things that I shouldn't (but probably could) eat while being obviously thrilled that everyone is looking at me and my pregnant belly, all the while KNOWING that another person in the room, whose guest I am, is INFERTILE.
WHY do people behave that way? I know they're excited about having a baby, and I'm really excited for them, but the more I see them, the less I want to be around them because they seem to completely lack any sensitivity. I'm absolutely dreading their baby shower, and I'm considering not going.
The problem is, if/when I finally get pregnant, I want people to be there for me. I don't want to be the jerk who was completely unsupportive of everyone else, and then if it ever happens for me, I expect everyone to celebrate with me even though I wouldn't celebrate with them. I want my kids to grow up with my friends' kids, and turn our adult-themed evenings eventually into family gatherings.
I don't feel I've been as deeply affected by infertility as some others, although it's hard to say. But I think this experience has changed me, not necessarily for the better, and I'm worried about spending the rest of my life bitter and angry and resentful. I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end.
AND I gave myself my own injection again yesterday! I'm so proud of myself. I am on yet another, different HCG (which apparently doesn't have a brand name? I'm confused about that), and the injections actually hurt. Which is why I wanted to do one myself, to see if it was my husband doing it badly, or the medicine itself. Anyway, it still hurt, so I guess it wasn't my husband. At least I haven't ended up with those awful welts I've had before.
Now I wait until ... Wednesday I think? ... to do the last injection and start the progesterone. I'm trying to decide if I should buy a bunch of dollar store tests and test out the HCG until it's out of my system, but I'm not sure I can really be bothered to do that. I'd rather just wait and try to forget about it.
I change my mind every day about whether I am optimistic or pessimistic. I am having crazy dreams about actually being pregnant, or actually getting a positive pregnancy test, or finding out about a pg test that is made especially for infertiles because ... well, I'm not sure why, or how it was supposed to be different. All I know is I was excited about it in my dream.
~
I had a group of friends over yesterday and we made and canned pickled vegetables, and then had a big delicious dinner. One of the friends is pregnant, and she and her husband were driving me NUTS.
I am not one of those people who will follow every pregnancy rule perfectly, because I think there's such a thing as being too cautious. I will not be stupid and get drunk, or eat raw fish, or go on a rollercoaster, or put anything besides my feet in a hot tub.
But I will probably have occasional sips of wine (especially a TASTE of VERY low-alcohol moscato late in my theoretical pregnancy when it wouldn't really matter), I will not have my husband test the host's meat with a meat thermometer to ENSURE that it is fully cooked while loudly announcing that his wife is pregnant, etc. I will not constantly draw attention to myself lamenting really trivial things that I shouldn't (but probably could) eat while being obviously thrilled that everyone is looking at me and my pregnant belly, all the while KNOWING that another person in the room, whose guest I am, is INFERTILE.
WHY do people behave that way? I know they're excited about having a baby, and I'm really excited for them, but the more I see them, the less I want to be around them because they seem to completely lack any sensitivity. I'm absolutely dreading their baby shower, and I'm considering not going.
The problem is, if/when I finally get pregnant, I want people to be there for me. I don't want to be the jerk who was completely unsupportive of everyone else, and then if it ever happens for me, I expect everyone to celebrate with me even though I wouldn't celebrate with them. I want my kids to grow up with my friends' kids, and turn our adult-themed evenings eventually into family gatherings.
I don't feel I've been as deeply affected by infertility as some others, although it's hard to say. But I think this experience has changed me, not necessarily for the better, and I'm worried about spending the rest of my life bitter and angry and resentful. I hope the joy of having a child, should I be so lucky, will make this whole experience worthwhile in the end.
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