Monday, May 11, 2009

Thanks and I'm sorry

Thanks for all the comments on my last almost-post. I haven't really felt like writing anything, and although I've been reading your blogs I haven't had the time or strength to comment. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I of course told my husband about the negative tests, and he didn't say anything, and we haven't really had any time alone together, so we haven't talked about it. I'm not sure what we'll decide to do.

I know, for my part, that I could use a break of at least a month or two. I'd like to focus on eating healthier, getting in better shape, and maybe doing a triathlon in June. I'd like to spend some time with friends and maybe even some quiet time at home.

I'm not sure who I'm kidding, though. I know I will be subconsciously calculating ovulation dates, and secretly hoping for a BFP instead of AF at the end of the month. If there's one thing I've learned about myself from infertility (and there are plenty of things), it's that I can't fool myself and I can't be someone that I'm not. I'm finding that not being able to fool myself is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Yesterday was especially hard for me. I'm very grateful to Mugsy for her gift and kind card, which made my morning so much better. I actually had a good time with my mom and my sister, and I felt at peace with visiting the cemetery. A few times during wine-tasting, though, I felt like I had been kicked when the wineries made a big deal about Mother's Day - free champagne at one, free tasting for mothers only at another. Seeing my little niece and nephew, who are so cute, was bittersweet, too.

I'm sorry, this is a rambling nonsense post. I'll add more when I can straighten out my thoughts. Hope everyone is having a good Monday.


  1. You should never apologize for how you are feeling. We all understand and just want you to know you aren't alone in this. And, taking a break is okay too. I'm trying to do the same thing, but I find myself calculating dates and hoping...

    Take care of you.

  2. Thinking of you and sending some hugs. I wish I could offer more.

  3. Hey - these blogs are for us...and for our thoughts and feelings. No need to ever apologize.

    Wish I could help...I've been there, and I know how you are feeling.

    Many hugs, my friend.

  4. I am just catching up on my blogs after being away for the weekend, so I apologize for not commenting earlier.

    I'm sorry about your BFN and your hard Mothers Day. I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier to bear, but I know there is not.

    I will be taking a break myself this cycle (unintentionally). I know that it's impossible to put TTC and hope out of your mind entirely--and I'll be counting the days myself--if you think it will help you mentally to focus on other things, do it.

  5. It is hard to not TTC once we start, but if you can, focus on something else for a month, it might feel great!!

  6. WTF with the free tasting for mothers only? If you tell me what winery that was I will enthusiastically boycott them.

    I'm sorry that you're in such an uncertain place right now. Thinking of you as you figure out next steps.

  7. I am so sorry to hear that mother's day was a tough one. We are here for you. Spoil yourself. x

  8. You never, never need to be sorry - that's why we're all here, and what blogs are so good for, for all the rambling and confusing feelings to come out. Honestly, I'm enjoying our doctor-enforced break, so maybe it will feel okay for you to have a break too. Mother's Day is hard...thinking of you.

  9. I agree with the others. You don't have to apologize for how you're feeling and whether you post, comment, read, not read, whatever. Your priority is to take care of yourself. I think we all understand that.

    And even when we've been on forced breaks, TTC is all I can think about. Look at what time it is. I should be working, but ...

    Thinking of you.


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!