What sucks more, the two weeks before or the two weeks after?

The two weeks before O are so nice because hey! You’re not worried, or wondering, or anxious, or impatient (well, yeah, you’re probably still impatient). Nothing has happened yet, the big opportunity for another try is still in the future, you don’t even know when, and until that opportunity comes along there is absolutely 0% chance you are pregnant. So there’s really nothing to be uncertain about. That’s awfully nice.

On the other hand, the two weeks before, by definition, start with getting your period. That sucks in so many ways that I can’t list it all, but namely, that after a 2ww, you again discover things didn’t work, you have cramps, you’re bleeding 24 hours a day and you have to deal with it, etc. So the first week sucks. The second week sucks because you start having to pee on sticks all the time, which means planning your day around when you drink and when you pee and when you can use a bathroom for at least 10 minutes without it being a hassle. And you try to make plans and guess the best days to try because even with the OPK, from all the obsessive reading you’ve done, you know you’re better off trying before you get the positive OPK. So you plan to have sex based on when you think you’ll O, which doesn’t always work out right when you think it will anyway. And the preplanned sex isn’t much fun for me, unfortunately. I’d like to go back to the random, spontaneous sex, thank you very much.

And then there’s the two weeks after O, the 2ww. This can definitely be summed up by the words “what if?” (or maybe “should I?”)

What if I am pregnant? Should I be drinking? Should I be exercising? Should I be eating sushi or cheese or whatever? Should I be hopeful, because hey, that would be awesome? Should I be not hopeful so I don’t get my hopes up too high? Should I look up the possible due date, or would that be jinxing things?

What if I am not pregnant? Is it time to really start worrying? Should I look up fertility clinics? Should I start making plans for doctor’s appointments? Should I start seriously considering what our infertility problems might be? Should I allow myself to get a little depressed?

It’s a bit like having multiple personality disorder. Do I act like I’m pregnant, or like I’m not? Because acting like I don’t know has no real definition, besides just acting like my normal self, like me. And I don’t feel like being me right now.

Brief note: Only a week until I expect AF (maybe even less).