Have to find my zen, have to find my zen, have to find my zen.
Dammit, where did it go?
My husband is sick. The guy who NEVER gets sick and NEVER misses work and even works every weekend is at home in bed. I'm really worried. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about our IVF cycle. I'm worried about me getting sick, too. It's just so unfortunate not only to be sick, but to be sick RIGHT NOW.
And then.
My realtor called. The house we've been thinking about, the house we've been going to look at, the house for which we just got pre-approved for a loan YESTERDAY ... someone put in an offer. I called my husband to tell him, unfortunately waking him up (I feel SO bad about that), and he said there's no way he wants to pay full price OR think about making an offer today while he feels so crappy.
So we will probably not be getting the house. I've been through this enough times to know how it goes.
And I can tell that our realtor has just about had it with us. Not that I blame him. I'm mad at my husband for taking up so much of our realtor's time and getting my hopes up and letting me go ahead with getting our financial stuff together and going to see a broker and getting pre-approved and then not being serious about actually buying a house. I know I'm pushing for it a lot more than he is, but if he really doesn't want to buy a house, why doesn't he just freaking say so?
It's hard to be so mad at him when he's sick. Sigh.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Biding time
I am feeling a little amazed by how easy the IVF process is so far. Admittedly, I haven't done any of the hard stuff yet.
Egg retreival makes me nervous, but doesn't exactly scare me because I won't be aware of anything that's going on. Maybe a little nervous that we won't get that far or won't get many eggs (or any at all).
Embryo transfer makes me excited, not nervous at all (well, slightly nervous about not being able to hold my pee).
PIO makes me so nervous I want to puke, but I'm just not thinking about it. Since all the injectibles so far have been way easier than I expected, I'm hoping that the trend will keep holding true for PIO.
The 2ww, eh, ok I'm nervous about that. That has always been the worst part of ttc and IF, and I don't expect that to change. I'm planning to keep myself incredibly busy (but not super active!) during that time.
I don't know if this feels easier than expected because my expectations were just wildly unrealistic, or that I'm so much stronger than I thought, or that my husband is so supportive and calm and helpful. Or maybe I'm just not far enough into it yet, and things start getting crazy from here.
I don't know, but I'm incredibly grateful that I am holding up so well and I pray that I and all those who are cycling with me this month find strength and peace for the next four weeks and for whatever comes after.
Egg retreival makes me nervous, but doesn't exactly scare me because I won't be aware of anything that's going on. Maybe a little nervous that we won't get that far or won't get many eggs (or any at all).
Embryo transfer makes me excited, not nervous at all (well, slightly nervous about not being able to hold my pee).
PIO makes me so nervous I want to puke, but I'm just not thinking about it. Since all the injectibles so far have been way easier than I expected, I'm hoping that the trend will keep holding true for PIO.
The 2ww, eh, ok I'm nervous about that. That has always been the worst part of ttc and IF, and I don't expect that to change. I'm planning to keep myself incredibly busy (but not super active!) during that time.
I don't know if this feels easier than expected because my expectations were just wildly unrealistic, or that I'm so much stronger than I thought, or that my husband is so supportive and calm and helpful. Or maybe I'm just not far enough into it yet, and things start getting crazy from here.
I don't know, but I'm incredibly grateful that I am holding up so well and I pray that I and all those who are cycling with me this month find strength and peace for the next four weeks and for whatever comes after.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Moving forward slowly
I'm starting to worry about my IF clinic a little bit. They don't seem to have things 100% together, and it's really starting to piss me off.
Granted ... my IVF coordinator left the week before I started, and apparently didn't arrange the hand-off of her patients perfectly. But still! I'm paying thousands of dollars ($17,000!) for a service, and what's more I'm spending my time and putting all kinds of crappy medications into my body and I would NOT be a happy camper if the clinic to which I am entrusting myself and my money made my cycle FUBAR through their own incompetence.
Now that I have that out of the way ...
I showed up yesterday at 3pm for my IVF egg class. First I paid off the balance I still owed. Then they gave me my Fol.lis.tim pen because the pharmacy for whatever reason didn't send me one. Then I told the receptionist that I was there for the class.
Receiptionist, in a cheery voice: "Uh ... what class? There's no class scheduled for today."
Me: "The egg class. It's on my schedule. Look, right here." (Pulling out my doctor-reviewed-and-signed IVF schedule.
Receptionist: "Oh, well that must be a mistake. Look, here in the computer it has you down on the 21st." (Cheerfuly smile)
Me: "But, um, I took like 3 hours off work to be here and I dont' really want to do that again (considering how much time off I'm taking already for IVF!). And I'm not driving back to work in the hurricaine force winds and rain now that I'm already in the town where I live."
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, but it's scheduled for next week."
Me, loudly to husband across waiting room: "Well, they made a mistake and scheduled our class wrong, so I guess we should go." (I'm not normally like that, I swear)
Other couple in waiting room: "What? We're here for the egg class too! It's on our schedule too!"
Receptionist: "Um ..."
My new IVF coordinator passing by: "I'll see if the embryologist is available to do a special class just for you! Sorry, but the coordinator who just left must have screwed up everyone's schedules ..." (LIE! My old coordinator scheduled me for the 21st. The new one rescheduled everything when she moved me up a week - guess she wasn't supposed to reschedule the class. Nice try blaming it on the person who doesn't work there anymore).
So we did the class. It was irritating. It was interesting. It was partly a big waste of time and partly useful. They presented all their data on their success rates and explained away any year or category that was low (there was a poor egg donor; and btw, our PGD outcomes are 100% when you only look at those who are choosing the gender versus those with actual infertility). They explained the entire embryology process in excruciating detail (far more than we needed to know), I suspect to make us feel like the thousands of dollars we spent was paying for something. And to make us feel totally safe that they will not mix up our eggs, sperm, or embryos.
All of this after asking us to change our IVF schedule with less than 24 hours warning, AND the coordinator ordering me a brand of HCG that I specifically requested she NOT order.
It all worked out in the end (except I guess I'm taking some HCG that I didn't want (this brand gives me a welt, none of the others did)). It just makes me a little nervous for the upcoming two or three weeks.
Fol.list.im starts today! CD 1 is here!!!!!!
Granted ... my IVF coordinator left the week before I started, and apparently didn't arrange the hand-off of her patients perfectly. But still! I'm paying thousands of dollars ($17,000!) for a service, and what's more I'm spending my time and putting all kinds of crappy medications into my body and I would NOT be a happy camper if the clinic to which I am entrusting myself and my money made my cycle FUBAR through their own incompetence.
Now that I have that out of the way ...
I showed up yesterday at 3pm for my IVF egg class. First I paid off the balance I still owed. Then they gave me my Fol.lis.tim pen because the pharmacy for whatever reason didn't send me one. Then I told the receptionist that I was there for the class.
Receiptionist, in a cheery voice: "Uh ... what class? There's no class scheduled for today."
Me: "The egg class. It's on my schedule. Look, right here." (Pulling out my doctor-reviewed-and-signed IVF schedule.
Receptionist: "Oh, well that must be a mistake. Look, here in the computer it has you down on the 21st." (Cheerfuly smile)
Me: "But, um, I took like 3 hours off work to be here and I dont' really want to do that again (considering how much time off I'm taking already for IVF!). And I'm not driving back to work in the hurricaine force winds and rain now that I'm already in the town where I live."
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, but it's scheduled for next week."
Me, loudly to husband across waiting room: "Well, they made a mistake and scheduled our class wrong, so I guess we should go." (I'm not normally like that, I swear)
Other couple in waiting room: "What? We're here for the egg class too! It's on our schedule too!"
Receptionist: "Um ..."
My new IVF coordinator passing by: "I'll see if the embryologist is available to do a special class just for you! Sorry, but the coordinator who just left must have screwed up everyone's schedules ..." (LIE! My old coordinator scheduled me for the 21st. The new one rescheduled everything when she moved me up a week - guess she wasn't supposed to reschedule the class. Nice try blaming it on the person who doesn't work there anymore).
So we did the class. It was irritating. It was interesting. It was partly a big waste of time and partly useful. They presented all their data on their success rates and explained away any year or category that was low (there was a poor egg donor; and btw, our PGD outcomes are 100% when you only look at those who are choosing the gender versus those with actual infertility). They explained the entire embryology process in excruciating detail (far more than we needed to know), I suspect to make us feel like the thousands of dollars we spent was paying for something. And to make us feel totally safe that they will not mix up our eggs, sperm, or embryos.
All of this after asking us to change our IVF schedule with less than 24 hours warning, AND the coordinator ordering me a brand of HCG that I specifically requested she NOT order.
It all worked out in the end (except I guess I'm taking some HCG that I didn't want (this brand gives me a welt, none of the others did)). It just makes me a little nervous for the upcoming two or three weeks.
Fol.list.im starts today! CD 1 is here!!!!!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Anticlimax?
Here I am, chugging along, taking my lu.p.ron daily. I stopped taking BCPs last Friday, and now all I have to remind me that I'm even doing IVF is my 2-minute morning injection session. It somehow seems ... anticlimactic.
This is actually going to be a busy week for IVF, though - tomorrow, I have another class from 3pm to 5pm, and Wednesday I start fol.lis.tim in the evenings. Then another week until next Thursday's ultrasound, the very first time when I have any clue what's happening in there, and the day I'll get at least a rough estimate of when retreival will be (I hope).
Right now I think we're looking at a retreival of October 24, 25, or 26, with a 5-day transfer (fingers crossed) on October 29, 30, or 31. I guess that would put beta around ... November 6-9? I'm not really sure. Less than a month, though - amazing!
***
Non-IVF things going on in my life:
1. Knee - my knee is doing great after the surgery. I have been cleared to walk with one crutch and it's going well. Unfortunately, I lost some of the flexibility I had regained after the surgery, which is making walking more difficult, but I hope to get that back pretty quick. I can try biking in the next week or two.
2. House - we're working on getting pre-authorized for a loan, but I've been through this before and I have my doubts it will work out (we live in a really tough housing market and we have various complications with my husband being a legal resident non-citizen and self-employed); but, if all goes well, we'll be putting in an offer soon. Good thing, too, if IVF works (whether the first time or subsequent times) and we are lucky enough to eventually have a baby, we'll probably need more space than our apartment provides.
That's all I can think of - but life sure FEELS crazier than that.
Hope all's well in blogland.
This is actually going to be a busy week for IVF, though - tomorrow, I have another class from 3pm to 5pm, and Wednesday I start fol.lis.tim in the evenings. Then another week until next Thursday's ultrasound, the very first time when I have any clue what's happening in there, and the day I'll get at least a rough estimate of when retreival will be (I hope).
Right now I think we're looking at a retreival of October 24, 25, or 26, with a 5-day transfer (fingers crossed) on October 29, 30, or 31. I guess that would put beta around ... November 6-9? I'm not really sure. Less than a month, though - amazing!
***
Non-IVF things going on in my life:
1. Knee - my knee is doing great after the surgery. I have been cleared to walk with one crutch and it's going well. Unfortunately, I lost some of the flexibility I had regained after the surgery, which is making walking more difficult, but I hope to get that back pretty quick. I can try biking in the next week or two.
2. House - we're working on getting pre-authorized for a loan, but I've been through this before and I have my doubts it will work out (we live in a really tough housing market and we have various complications with my husband being a legal resident non-citizen and self-employed); but, if all goes well, we'll be putting in an offer soon. Good thing, too, if IVF works (whether the first time or subsequent times) and we are lucky enough to eventually have a baby, we'll probably need more space than our apartment provides.
That's all I can think of - but life sure FEELS crazier than that.
Hope all's well in blogland.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
One-word trivia and a few thoughts
Just did my second Lu.pr.on injection. I brought it to work with me (hoping that was ok), and in trying to check if there was air in the needle, I lost one unit of medicine (so I only got 9 instead of 10). Frantically emailed my nurse to see if that was ok. Yikes, this is stressful. I CANNOT believe that I am only two weeks away from an ultrasound telling me how many follicles I have growing. OMG.
I'm sorry if I am annoying any of you IVF veterans with my starry-eyed innocence. I feel like that sometimes towards bloggers who are going through their first IUIs. But then I think back 10 months and remember when I was going through my first IUI, and I regain my sense of compassion. I think that while infertility has made me, in the short run, cranky, irritable, and intolerant of certain things, I can tell that in the long run it has given me compassion, thoughtfulness, and empathy that I am so grateful for.
And now - ONE-WORD TRIVIA
I've seen this meme going around and I was just tagged for it by Mrs. Gamgee over at Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings (a name which I LOVE, being an avid fan of J.R.R. Tolkien and his works - I wish I was a hobbit; or an elf).
Anyway, here are the rules, and below is the meme:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'! (I never do this - please, if you want to do the meme, consider yourself tagged.)
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your hair? Crazy
3. Your mother? Manipulative
4. Your father? Dead
5. Your favorite food? Cheese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Wine
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Cubicle
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Flying
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Picnic
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant!
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Snowshoes
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? Injection
19. What are you wearing? Dress
20. Your TV? Old
21. Your pets? Whiny
22. Friends? Few
23. Your life? Unsettled
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? Dad
26. Vehicle? Matrix
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? REI
29. Your favorite color? Yellow
30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Unsure
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Garden
34. One person who emails me regularly? Sister
35. Favorite place to eat? Italy
I'm sorry if I am annoying any of you IVF veterans with my starry-eyed innocence. I feel like that sometimes towards bloggers who are going through their first IUIs. But then I think back 10 months and remember when I was going through my first IUI, and I regain my sense of compassion. I think that while infertility has made me, in the short run, cranky, irritable, and intolerant of certain things, I can tell that in the long run it has given me compassion, thoughtfulness, and empathy that I am so grateful for.
And now - ONE-WORD TRIVIA
I've seen this meme going around and I was just tagged for it by Mrs. Gamgee over at Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings (a name which I LOVE, being an avid fan of J.R.R. Tolkien and his works - I wish I was a hobbit; or an elf).
Anyway, here are the rules, and below is the meme:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best. (I say parenthetical thoughts don't count!)
Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'! (I never do this - please, if you want to do the meme, consider yourself tagged.)
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your hair? Crazy
3. Your mother? Manipulative
4. Your father? Dead
5. Your favorite food? Cheese
6. Your dream last night? None
7. Your favorite drink? Wine
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Cubicle
10. Your hobby? Gardening
11. Your fear? Flying
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Picnic
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant!
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Snowshoes
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? Injection
19. What are you wearing? Dress
20. Your TV? Old
21. Your pets? Whiny
22. Friends? Few
23. Your life? Unsettled
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? Dad
26. Vehicle? Matrix
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? REI
29. Your favorite color? Yellow
30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Unsure
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Garden
34. One person who emails me regularly? Sister
35. Favorite place to eat? Italy
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
OMG OMG OMG
First, thanks for all the good thoughts yesterday about PIO! I do feel a lot better now.
Want to know another reason I feel better?
The clinic called me at 4:55 (nice timing) yesterday afternoon and told me that their October cycle group was rather large and the embryologist was requesting that not everyone cycle at once. They selected a group of people to move up a week, and they were hoping I wouldn't mind that they had picked me. Me!!!!! To start one week early!
So that means I am starting IVF TODAY!!!!!!!!!! We go in to our instruction class to get our meds and learn how to do all of it today at 1:30. And I get my first Lu.p.ron shot tonight.
I was so freaking happy. My husband, on the other hand, was pissed off. He has an important meeting at 1pm, and while his business partner can handle it without him, he is furious with the clinic for springing this on us at the last possible moment.
I was really upset with him for not being thrilled to drop everything to have an earlier chance to get started, but we both calmed down and got over it. I'm so excited!
So today is turning out to be rather busy. I won't have a chance to read everyone's recent posts and comment until another day or two.
Another note - we've found a house we're thinking about making an offer on. Another thing keeping me really busy. I guess when I finally catch my breath and catch up with things, I have a lot to chat about - IVF, the house, and my knee. Yay for good moods and good things happening!
Want to know another reason I feel better?
The clinic called me at 4:55 (nice timing) yesterday afternoon and told me that their October cycle group was rather large and the embryologist was requesting that not everyone cycle at once. They selected a group of people to move up a week, and they were hoping I wouldn't mind that they had picked me. Me!!!!! To start one week early!
So that means I am starting IVF TODAY!!!!!!!!!! We go in to our instruction class to get our meds and learn how to do all of it today at 1:30. And I get my first Lu.p.ron shot tonight.
I was so freaking happy. My husband, on the other hand, was pissed off. He has an important meeting at 1pm, and while his business partner can handle it without him, he is furious with the clinic for springing this on us at the last possible moment.
I was really upset with him for not being thrilled to drop everything to have an earlier chance to get started, but we both calmed down and got over it. I'm so excited!
So today is turning out to be rather busy. I won't have a chance to read everyone's recent posts and comment until another day or two.
Another note - we've found a house we're thinking about making an offer on. Another thing keeping me really busy. I guess when I finally catch my breath and catch up with things, I have a lot to chat about - IVF, the house, and my knee. Yay for good moods and good things happening!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
PIO anxiety
I can't BELIEVE that IVF starts next week. Holy crap! Where has the time gone? Only 9 days until I start Lu.pr.on! Which reminds me, I still need to get that stuff ordered. And only 7 days until my injection class.
Speaking of which ... I'm having terrible anxiety about the PIO. I'm not thrilled about the dozens of sub-q shots I'll be getting, many of which I'll probably have to do myself. But I'm so freaking scared of the PIO. I know that everyone says it's not as bad as they expected, and it's better than the suppositories, but OMG. A huge needle. In my ass. Every day for weeks. And possibly months.
It's not even the needle that seems like the worst part. It's the idea of getting these shots every day and getting more and more sore and having to keep doing it. If it was just one, fine. No problem. I mean, I'd hate it and I'd probably cry, but then it would be over and I could go on with my life. The idea of getting it over with only to start dreading having to do it again in 24 hours - that's horrifying. I'm already anxious now, I'm not sure how I'm going to live with the anxiety then.
Even worse, to me, is the possibility that I could get these freaking shots for two weeks for NO REASON. IVF #1 could easily fail. Hell, it's possible we might not make it to retreival or transfer, of course I know that. But somehow the build-up to that point seems better - sub-q injections, hope, monitoring, ultrasounds. It all sounds very optimistic and positive and pro-active.
And then - two weeks of IM shots in my ass and having no idea what the hell is going on and what will happen. And I thought the 2ww was bad with the IUIs! I'm not even there yet with this IVF and I'm already stressing about it.
Trying to take my husband's point of view and look at the bright side - at least the 2ww is slightly shorter due to the 3 or 5 days the potential embies spend on the outside before transfer. It's the tiny ray of sunshine I'm hanging onto.
That, and the idea that maybe they'll finally figure out what's wrong with us.
Speaking of which ... I'm having terrible anxiety about the PIO. I'm not thrilled about the dozens of sub-q shots I'll be getting, many of which I'll probably have to do myself. But I'm so freaking scared of the PIO. I know that everyone says it's not as bad as they expected, and it's better than the suppositories, but OMG. A huge needle. In my ass. Every day for weeks. And possibly months.
It's not even the needle that seems like the worst part. It's the idea of getting these shots every day and getting more and more sore and having to keep doing it. If it was just one, fine. No problem. I mean, I'd hate it and I'd probably cry, but then it would be over and I could go on with my life. The idea of getting it over with only to start dreading having to do it again in 24 hours - that's horrifying. I'm already anxious now, I'm not sure how I'm going to live with the anxiety then.
Even worse, to me, is the possibility that I could get these freaking shots for two weeks for NO REASON. IVF #1 could easily fail. Hell, it's possible we might not make it to retreival or transfer, of course I know that. But somehow the build-up to that point seems better - sub-q injections, hope, monitoring, ultrasounds. It all sounds very optimistic and positive and pro-active.
And then - two weeks of IM shots in my ass and having no idea what the hell is going on and what will happen. And I thought the 2ww was bad with the IUIs! I'm not even there yet with this IVF and I'm already stressing about it.
Trying to take my husband's point of view and look at the bright side - at least the 2ww is slightly shorter due to the 3 or 5 days the potential embies spend on the outside before transfer. It's the tiny ray of sunshine I'm hanging onto.
That, and the idea that maybe they'll finally figure out what's wrong with us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)