No rain in the forecast. The situation is becoming dire here in California.
I had a Mi.r.ena IUD placed today. I am feeling incredibly ambivalent about it, which would probably be obvious based on my feelings and posts from recent times. I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not I would want another child. I wish I knew if it were even possible ... if infertility prevented us from ever having a child spontaneously, that would probably end my dilemma right there, since I am not interested in using fertility treatments again. But knowing that it's completely out of my hands now, that I would have to make affirmative steps to get pregnant (by having the IUD removed instead of just stopping taking regular BC) makes me feel powerless and helpless. I think for my daily life, it's a great thing, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.
In other news, Turtle is STILL struggling with preschool. He cried when I dropped him off yesterday, and today he looked like he was struggling to hold it together. I wish I knew what was causing this. I wish I knew if it was something that I could help with, or if he's just going through a phase and we have to wait it out. I wish I knew if changing schools would help, or if it would just make matters worse by bringing more upheaval and uncertainty.
Speaking of changing schools, I did think about looking into other schools for the fall, just in case things don't improve where we are, and then realized that my babies have only one year of preschool left before they start kindergarten. My babies. What happened?! When did they grow up?! Of course, this is contributing to my general feelings of unhappiness about the whole unsettled question of if/when we would try for another. One of the sad things about having twins, I think, is that it's over so fast, and when it's over, it's over. I'm sorry, obviously I'm feeling melancholy today.
This afternoon, in just a few hours, I go see the psychologist for the first time. I'm nervous, for a few reasons. The primary one is that I've been hoping that this will lift a burden in my life, and help me to be happier and more content. The reality is that I know there will be a lot of difficult things to face, and that bringing true peace, contentment, and happiness to my life will come only as a result of changing or ending the relationship with my mother, and I dread that. This is one of those problems you wish you could ignore and it would go away. Still, I am hopeful that this is the first step towards change.
On another note, I'm sporadically trying to improve my physical health, going to the gym, and setting goals for fitness. I'm working my way up to cycling and swimming regularly again, and I hope to start running, but I am nervous that the pain in my hip will come back much worse than it is when I am not running. I realize I probably need to make a doctor's appointment for that soon. One of the benefits of this terrible drought we are embarking on here in California is that I have been able to cycle more, and I am making a pledge to get back to it (although I have pledged that many times here over the last 2 years with mixed results). I picked up the kids from school yesterday with the bike, and hope to do it again today.
One last thing - I'm working on applying for substitute teachings jobs. My work life is really busy right now because we are about to start immigration visa season for my husband's company, and that will mean a lot of work in the next two months, but I hope to at least get my applications on file so I am ready if I get any opportunities to teach soon.
Well, I am feeling better, once again, for writing this out, and will try to keep updates coming about the kids, and the therapy, and working out and life in general. Please send rainy thoughts our way - we are still dry as a bone here and I'm very worried about what the spring and summer hold for us. Hope all is well with you.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Monday blues
I'm having a rough time and feeling a little sorry for myself. Boo.
I'm busy, so so busy. My house is a mess. I have so much to do, and a lot of it is boring mindless chores. And the rest of it is important work that is stressful. I don't have enough time. I want the kids to spend both more and less time at school, because I need more time and I'm so exhausted, but I also miss them when they're not here.
Speaking of the kids, they are difficult. Sometimes. They're wonderful sometimes, too. I think that just about sums up 3-year-olds. They're very much into their toys and games, but they're not very good at playing independently.
I have a cold, and I am continuing to have issues with my digestion that are making me really unhappy. Also, with all the work I have, I have not had time to go to the gym. So physically, I am not feeling great. My hip also continues to hurt after any type of physical activity, so I'm thinking it might be time to go back to the doctor.
Speaking of doctors I am STILL trying to find a therapist. I have one who I've been playing phone-tag with, I hope to catch up with her tomorrow. If that doesn't work out, I don't know.
Speaking of therapists, my relationship my mom continue to be problematic (I mean, I realize that probably won't ever change), and new problems have developed that are causing me a lot of anxiety. She is now having legal issues with the buyers of her old house, and needs help (like I've said before, if I had a dollar for every time she said she needed help, I'd be rich). When I think of my mom, I feel weary and old and worn out and beat down by life. I hope my kids don't ever feel the same when they think of me. I hope they think of me as someone who loves them, wants them to be happy, supports their choices in life, is their biggest cheerleader, and appreciates them 100% of the time.
Did I mention what my mom said about the Christmas gift I got her? I spent some time going through photos and organizing a "family photo book" from the point of view of the kids. Since it's from their point of view, it includes both my side of the family and my husband's side, of which my mom is very jealous. There are probably more pictures of my husband's side of the family for two main reasons: 1. We don't see them nearly as often, so when we DO see them, it tends to be considered a "special occasion" and therefore we take more pictures; and 2. There are just a lot more people, when you count all the grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. My family is very small in comparison. So in order to get everyone in the book, there just had to be more space dedicated to my husband's family.
Anyway, I designed a photo book online and had it printed for my mom and my in-laws. A little while after Christmas, my mom asked me if she ever thanked me, and I said no, and asked if she liked the book. And she said "Well .... mostly." Sigh. The woman is NEVER HAPPY. I realize that it doesn't sound that bad now that I've written it down, maybe I'm overreacting.
Just writing this has been a bit cathartic. And now it's getting late, and my cold is making me soooooo tired, so I'm off to bed.
I'm busy, so so busy. My house is a mess. I have so much to do, and a lot of it is boring mindless chores. And the rest of it is important work that is stressful. I don't have enough time. I want the kids to spend both more and less time at school, because I need more time and I'm so exhausted, but I also miss them when they're not here.
Speaking of the kids, they are difficult. Sometimes. They're wonderful sometimes, too. I think that just about sums up 3-year-olds. They're very much into their toys and games, but they're not very good at playing independently.
I have a cold, and I am continuing to have issues with my digestion that are making me really unhappy. Also, with all the work I have, I have not had time to go to the gym. So physically, I am not feeling great. My hip also continues to hurt after any type of physical activity, so I'm thinking it might be time to go back to the doctor.
Speaking of doctors I am STILL trying to find a therapist. I have one who I've been playing phone-tag with, I hope to catch up with her tomorrow. If that doesn't work out, I don't know.
Speaking of therapists, my relationship my mom continue to be problematic (I mean, I realize that probably won't ever change), and new problems have developed that are causing me a lot of anxiety. She is now having legal issues with the buyers of her old house, and needs help (like I've said before, if I had a dollar for every time she said she needed help, I'd be rich). When I think of my mom, I feel weary and old and worn out and beat down by life. I hope my kids don't ever feel the same when they think of me. I hope they think of me as someone who loves them, wants them to be happy, supports their choices in life, is their biggest cheerleader, and appreciates them 100% of the time.
Did I mention what my mom said about the Christmas gift I got her? I spent some time going through photos and organizing a "family photo book" from the point of view of the kids. Since it's from their point of view, it includes both my side of the family and my husband's side, of which my mom is very jealous. There are probably more pictures of my husband's side of the family for two main reasons: 1. We don't see them nearly as often, so when we DO see them, it tends to be considered a "special occasion" and therefore we take more pictures; and 2. There are just a lot more people, when you count all the grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. My family is very small in comparison. So in order to get everyone in the book, there just had to be more space dedicated to my husband's family.
Anyway, I designed a photo book online and had it printed for my mom and my in-laws. A little while after Christmas, my mom asked me if she ever thanked me, and I said no, and asked if she liked the book. And she said "Well .... mostly." Sigh. The woman is NEVER HAPPY. I realize that it doesn't sound that bad now that I've written it down, maybe I'm overreacting.
Just writing this has been a bit cathartic. And now it's getting late, and my cold is making me soooooo tired, so I'm off to bed.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Grey Saturday
It's a cold gray Saturday, and there's a 40% chance of rain. I think we are all praying for it - we are having a terrible drought here in Northern California. I have seem almost no rain at all since I got back from Italy just under 11 months ago. It's unfortunate that we thought of taking the kids to the warm water pool at my gym today for some swim practice, but we can skip that, no problem, if we get some rain. Oh, please rain! Maybe we should do a rain dance.
I love these gray rainy days, especially when you can stay home and play. More or less in pajamas. Although Tadpole woke up wet, so she had to change right away, and I'm in the middle of washing her sheets. I feel like in the last year, there has been a major increase in laundry, sigh. Today my husband is in San Francisco at some networking event, so we are just hanging out at home, praying for rain, playing with legos, and catching up on chores.
The other day the wild turkeys in the greenbelt jumped the fence and destroyed my vegetable garden. I'm really upset about that.
Life is good. I'm working hard these days, on work for my husband's company and on the house. The housework is unbelievable and never-ending. I am not really an organized person. That is to say, I like an organized space, but I am often too lazy/tired to keep it that way, and just one slip usually leads to chaos around here, which requires an inordinate amount of work to reverse. In the meantime, I haven't managed to apply for substitute teaching jobs because I need a letter of reference, and I haven't decided who to ask. Not to mention that I will probably have to write the letter myself, and I'm not sure what to say, nor when I'll find time. But I'm feeling hopeful.
In other news, my sister is getting married! I'm so excited. It's the first (and probably only) time I'll get to be in a wedding party. Plus all the planning is so much fun. It's going to be a lot of DIY since they have a very small budget and a very large number of people to invite, but I think it'll be a lot of fun.
In even more news, I can't seem to find a therapist. Everyone is full or won't take my insurance, and it's so expensive without insurance. I don't know what to do. And I spend SO much time researching therapists, calling them and leaving messages, then waiting for a return call only to hear that they won't take me. I am feeling really frustrated and helpless, which is sort of the opposite of what I hoped to get out of the whole therapy situation. It's really insane, and I'm really unhappy about it.
With that being said, I still have mounds of chores to do, and the kids are making messes faster than I can clean them up. I wish you good weather, whatever that means to you!
I love these gray rainy days, especially when you can stay home and play. More or less in pajamas. Although Tadpole woke up wet, so she had to change right away, and I'm in the middle of washing her sheets. I feel like in the last year, there has been a major increase in laundry, sigh. Today my husband is in San Francisco at some networking event, so we are just hanging out at home, praying for rain, playing with legos, and catching up on chores.
The other day the wild turkeys in the greenbelt jumped the fence and destroyed my vegetable garden. I'm really upset about that.
Life is good. I'm working hard these days, on work for my husband's company and on the house. The housework is unbelievable and never-ending. I am not really an organized person. That is to say, I like an organized space, but I am often too lazy/tired to keep it that way, and just one slip usually leads to chaos around here, which requires an inordinate amount of work to reverse. In the meantime, I haven't managed to apply for substitute teaching jobs because I need a letter of reference, and I haven't decided who to ask. Not to mention that I will probably have to write the letter myself, and I'm not sure what to say, nor when I'll find time. But I'm feeling hopeful.
In other news, my sister is getting married! I'm so excited. It's the first (and probably only) time I'll get to be in a wedding party. Plus all the planning is so much fun. It's going to be a lot of DIY since they have a very small budget and a very large number of people to invite, but I think it'll be a lot of fun.
In even more news, I can't seem to find a therapist. Everyone is full or won't take my insurance, and it's so expensive without insurance. I don't know what to do. And I spend SO much time researching therapists, calling them and leaving messages, then waiting for a return call only to hear that they won't take me. I am feeling really frustrated and helpless, which is sort of the opposite of what I hoped to get out of the whole therapy situation. It's really insane, and I'm really unhappy about it.
With that being said, I still have mounds of chores to do, and the kids are making messes faster than I can clean them up. I wish you good weather, whatever that means to you!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Rain
We are in such dire straights, friends, there is no rain. It has almost not rained this winter, and barely rained last year. I just looked at the 10-day forecast, and there is no end in sight. It's so bad. We were up at Lake Tahoe for New Year's in the Sierra Nevadas, and there is basically no snow on any south-facing mountainsides. It looks like the end of spring. It's a disaster.
Ironically, I got new skis for Christmas. I wonder if I'll get to use them this year. I'm starting to be doubtful.
Anyway. I wanted to catch up on the last month. We had a wonderful holiday, although I am thrilled the kids are back in school now. I need a chance to get back on track with housework, real work, and exercise. We were home for Christmas - well we spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, then came back to my place for the night and Christmas Day, along with my mother, brother and sister-in-law, and my nephews and niece who are all visiting from Washington. It was awesome to have them here for two weeks. My kids fell in love with their cousins. I just wish they were closer so they could have a bigger extended family.
For Christmas this year, they didn't get a ton of toys, although there are still plenty. The big gift, which they don't seem as excited about as I hoped, was a really cool, big, wooden dollhouse. They also got legos and some other small toys, and my mom went overboard as usual. I shudder to think how much she spent on gifts for her 5 grandchildren.
Speaking of my mother, things are really not good. I'm trying to find a therapist, but it's so hard! I can't believe it. I research and find one that sounds like he or she might be a good fit, leave a message, wait for a call back, and then they tell me they're not accepting new patients or they want private pay only, no insurance. I think I've done this at least 4 or 5 times now. And then I have to find time to sit at the computer again and do more research and I go through the whole thing again. After my mom hung up on me today, I have called three therapists - the first called me back quickly to say she's full, the second thankfully said she was full in her outgoing message so I didn't have to wait for her to call and tell me that, and I'm waiting to hear back from the third. But I'm so frustrated. Please send good thoughts that I'll find a compatible therapist soon so I can get back on the road to sanity and hopefully help my anxiety, too.
Anyway, I'm about to go pick up the munchkins, but I will try to write more regularly now that the holidays are over. Cheers.
Ironically, I got new skis for Christmas. I wonder if I'll get to use them this year. I'm starting to be doubtful.
Anyway. I wanted to catch up on the last month. We had a wonderful holiday, although I am thrilled the kids are back in school now. I need a chance to get back on track with housework, real work, and exercise. We were home for Christmas - well we spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, then came back to my place for the night and Christmas Day, along with my mother, brother and sister-in-law, and my nephews and niece who are all visiting from Washington. It was awesome to have them here for two weeks. My kids fell in love with their cousins. I just wish they were closer so they could have a bigger extended family.
For Christmas this year, they didn't get a ton of toys, although there are still plenty. The big gift, which they don't seem as excited about as I hoped, was a really cool, big, wooden dollhouse. They also got legos and some other small toys, and my mom went overboard as usual. I shudder to think how much she spent on gifts for her 5 grandchildren.
Speaking of my mother, things are really not good. I'm trying to find a therapist, but it's so hard! I can't believe it. I research and find one that sounds like he or she might be a good fit, leave a message, wait for a call back, and then they tell me they're not accepting new patients or they want private pay only, no insurance. I think I've done this at least 4 or 5 times now. And then I have to find time to sit at the computer again and do more research and I go through the whole thing again. After my mom hung up on me today, I have called three therapists - the first called me back quickly to say she's full, the second thankfully said she was full in her outgoing message so I didn't have to wait for her to call and tell me that, and I'm waiting to hear back from the third. But I'm so frustrated. Please send good thoughts that I'll find a compatible therapist soon so I can get back on the road to sanity and hopefully help my anxiety, too.
Anyway, I'm about to go pick up the munchkins, but I will try to write more regularly now that the holidays are over. Cheers.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Sorry. Again
Sorry for the long absence again. It's been a busy, long month. I got my substitute teaching permit! Maybe I already told you about that. I haven't done anything about it, though, too busy and stressed out. We had family for Thanksgiving, my husband's parents and uncle and aunt, and it was fun and busy and awesome and tiring, and now it's Christmas time and I'm not doing so great.
Things with my mom got a bit better and now seem worse. I finally took the step to look for a therapist. The first one I called today got back to me at the end of the day to tell me she's not taking any more insurance patients (huh? really?!) so I made a list to call tomorrow, since apparently it's not as easy as signing up and showing up (who knew?). I did find someone who was recommended to me by a friend who also accepts insurance, so as long as he is currently accepting patients with insurance, that will hopefully work out. I can't go on with this, and I don't know what to do, and this lost, helpless, hopeless anxiousness has got to end. I can't take any more guilt trips and verbal abuse.
Anyway. I decorated for Christmas, and it was rough. I thought the kids would be better, but they were awful. They broke stuff, they had no patience (I should have expected that, I just didn't remember how long it would take to put the lights on the tree), they got cranky. Turtle in particular. It was stressful and not super fun. And the funk I have slipped into today is weighing me down.
Life with the kids has been rough lately. We went on vacation several weeks ago, without the kids, and Turtle started having pee accidents, and is still having them. He seemed completely out of diapers, I wasn't even looking back, for so long ... I'm so startled to have this setback. It's so strange, too, he doesn't pee all over himself and the floor and everything, he just pees enough to dampen his undies and his pants. I often don't even notice until I pick him up and feel his damp pants. I don't totally understand what's going on, I just hope it doesn't lead to a major regression. Sigh.
Both kids are also super jealous of each other (again? or still?) when it comes to Mamma. I can't for the life of me figure out what to do about it, and it's driving me nuts. I DO want to start doing stuff individually with them, I think it will be a huge benefit to everyone. Maybe that would be a good first step.
Well, it's late, and I haven't even cleaned up after dinner yet. I'm going out to visit my mom tomorrow, and I'm dreading it as if I were going to have my teeth pulled without anesthesia. I can't wait until I'm in the car driving home again - and I'll keep that as my cheery thought for the night while I spend the next hour cleaning up.
Things with my mom got a bit better and now seem worse. I finally took the step to look for a therapist. The first one I called today got back to me at the end of the day to tell me she's not taking any more insurance patients (huh? really?!) so I made a list to call tomorrow, since apparently it's not as easy as signing up and showing up (who knew?). I did find someone who was recommended to me by a friend who also accepts insurance, so as long as he is currently accepting patients with insurance, that will hopefully work out. I can't go on with this, and I don't know what to do, and this lost, helpless, hopeless anxiousness has got to end. I can't take any more guilt trips and verbal abuse.
Anyway. I decorated for Christmas, and it was rough. I thought the kids would be better, but they were awful. They broke stuff, they had no patience (I should have expected that, I just didn't remember how long it would take to put the lights on the tree), they got cranky. Turtle in particular. It was stressful and not super fun. And the funk I have slipped into today is weighing me down.
Life with the kids has been rough lately. We went on vacation several weeks ago, without the kids, and Turtle started having pee accidents, and is still having them. He seemed completely out of diapers, I wasn't even looking back, for so long ... I'm so startled to have this setback. It's so strange, too, he doesn't pee all over himself and the floor and everything, he just pees enough to dampen his undies and his pants. I often don't even notice until I pick him up and feel his damp pants. I don't totally understand what's going on, I just hope it doesn't lead to a major regression. Sigh.
Both kids are also super jealous of each other (again? or still?) when it comes to Mamma. I can't for the life of me figure out what to do about it, and it's driving me nuts. I DO want to start doing stuff individually with them, I think it will be a huge benefit to everyone. Maybe that would be a good first step.
Well, it's late, and I haven't even cleaned up after dinner yet. I'm going out to visit my mom tomorrow, and I'm dreading it as if I were going to have my teeth pulled without anesthesia. I can't wait until I'm in the car driving home again - and I'll keep that as my cheery thought for the night while I spend the next hour cleaning up.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Advice? Help? Anyone have a difficult parent or in-law?
Hi friends. I could use some advice, counseling, a kind ear to listen, or maybe just some words of understanding. I am in such a difficult place with my mother, and it's really hard right now.
I've written about my mother before, and I probably will again. She is an incredibly difficult woman. She's manipulative, controlling, melodramatic, and very egocentric. On top of that, she is incredibly oversensitive and arrogant. She's difficult to be around for long periods of time (well, even for short periods of time), and she's impossible to talk to about anything except what she absolutely agrees with. She is great at dishing out opinions and criticism, but can't take even the slightest bit of disagreement or criticism herself, no matter how constructive. Even when someone with a golden tongue seems to get through to her in the moment, the next time I talk to her, after she's had time to mull over what they've said, she's turned it all around and made herself the righteous winner and the other person the jerk. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
To make matters worse, she doesn't eat well or take care of herself physically, and is in extremely poor physical health, which makes her believe everyone owes it to her to come over and take care of anything and everything - cleaning litter boxes, basic housecleaning, big projects - you name it, she believes someone else should do it.
My brother and sister-in-law moved away primarily to get away from her. All of her friends are ten years older than she is and just as opinionated and difficult as she is (I don't know how they all get along!). She was an only child, my father passed away 8 years ago, her parents are both gone, and she is basically estranged from most of her extended family, none of whom live anywhere nearby in any case. So she has attached herself to me, and now especially my children, digging in her fingernails as hard as she can for fear of being set adrift. Unfortunately, the neediness is really starting to get me down, since I have two 3-year-olds who legitimately need me. The tighter she squeezes, the more I feel like I'm being strangled.
I could go on and on. I could tell you stories of how she would buy gifts for me to give my friends for Christmas when I was in high school, and she'd wrap them first so even I wouldn't know what they were (?!?!). How when I got my first bank account with an ATM card before leaving for college, she watched me enter my pin, then announced in the car that she knew what my secret code was - like she wanted to make SURE that I knew she was the one in control. How when I worked at a movie theater for a summer during college and an old high school friend asked if she and her mom could come to a free movie, my mother told me she would never speak to me again if I allowed it, since she didn't like my friend's mom. How she was so angry after my half-sister didn't come to my father's funeral (it's a long complicated story with a lot of misunderstandings), she asked my husband to not allow my sister to visit his family in Italy when she took a European trip YEARS LATER.
Every once in a while, my mom goes on a depressive binge and calls me constantly (well, even more constantly than usual), saying that she doesn't know if she'll make it another day, etc. etc. (I've heard it all before), and sometimes, like now, she accuses me of keeping my kids from her (when I don't want to visit more than once a week) and says that the kids are the only thing that makes her happy. She says a lot of other accusatory things as well. And trust me, I DO know that her problems and unhappiness are not my fault, but the constant bombardment is just getting me down (she called 5 times today, and that is relatively tame).
When my husband and I were first dating, she left a note that seemed suspiciously like a suicide note (it was vague enough that it could be interpreted in other ways, she later claimed she was just leaving to go on vacation) and disappeared, so my brother called the police, who caught up with her at my dad's nursing home and took her for psychiatric evaluation. They let her go a few hours later, according to her because nothing was wrong with her. I was terrified my now-husband would drop me like a hot potato after seeing the crazy he was marrying into. My mom has seen a psychologist, too, who apparently (according to her, I've never spoken to him) says that there is nothing wrong with her, but that the real problem is her children. I don't doubt that she has some depression, but I can't stand the way she uses it, threatening suicide when she doesn't get her way or when she feels like she's not getting enough attention, but then claiming nothing is wrong when I say she needs psychiatric help.
Basically, I'm tired of dealing with an extra toddler. (Like I just said to my husband, if I had a dollar for every time my mother has said she has a big favor to ask of me, well, he could quit his job).
I just don't know what to do anymore. I dread spending time with her, I dread talking on the phone with her. It's impossible to have a reasonable conversation since I disagree with almost everything that comes out of her mouth, but she takes my silence as acceptance. If I don't answer the phone, she calls again and again and again, but she refuses to leave a message with any real information about why she's calling. I'm so tired of dealing with it all, and I feel like it's never going to stop. I'm tempted to move farther away just so I don't have to keep making up excuses to not visit.
And here's the thing, all the reasonable-sounding things you'll suggest won't work. She cannot be changed, this I know, and there is no way to talk to her rationally about any of this. Trust me, I've tried, and many people in my life who originally advocated trying to work things out with her have admitted defeat. It's more like how do I train myself to handle it better? I would love, in some ways, to just cut her out of my life, but I don't think my conscience can handle it, so what else can I do?
I've written about my mother before, and I probably will again. She is an incredibly difficult woman. She's manipulative, controlling, melodramatic, and very egocentric. On top of that, she is incredibly oversensitive and arrogant. She's difficult to be around for long periods of time (well, even for short periods of time), and she's impossible to talk to about anything except what she absolutely agrees with. She is great at dishing out opinions and criticism, but can't take even the slightest bit of disagreement or criticism herself, no matter how constructive. Even when someone with a golden tongue seems to get through to her in the moment, the next time I talk to her, after she's had time to mull over what they've said, she's turned it all around and made herself the righteous winner and the other person the jerk. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
To make matters worse, she doesn't eat well or take care of herself physically, and is in extremely poor physical health, which makes her believe everyone owes it to her to come over and take care of anything and everything - cleaning litter boxes, basic housecleaning, big projects - you name it, she believes someone else should do it.
My brother and sister-in-law moved away primarily to get away from her. All of her friends are ten years older than she is and just as opinionated and difficult as she is (I don't know how they all get along!). She was an only child, my father passed away 8 years ago, her parents are both gone, and she is basically estranged from most of her extended family, none of whom live anywhere nearby in any case. So she has attached herself to me, and now especially my children, digging in her fingernails as hard as she can for fear of being set adrift. Unfortunately, the neediness is really starting to get me down, since I have two 3-year-olds who legitimately need me. The tighter she squeezes, the more I feel like I'm being strangled.
I could go on and on. I could tell you stories of how she would buy gifts for me to give my friends for Christmas when I was in high school, and she'd wrap them first so even I wouldn't know what they were (?!?!). How when I got my first bank account with an ATM card before leaving for college, she watched me enter my pin, then announced in the car that she knew what my secret code was - like she wanted to make SURE that I knew she was the one in control. How when I worked at a movie theater for a summer during college and an old high school friend asked if she and her mom could come to a free movie, my mother told me she would never speak to me again if I allowed it, since she didn't like my friend's mom. How she was so angry after my half-sister didn't come to my father's funeral (it's a long complicated story with a lot of misunderstandings), she asked my husband to not allow my sister to visit his family in Italy when she took a European trip YEARS LATER.
Every once in a while, my mom goes on a depressive binge and calls me constantly (well, even more constantly than usual), saying that she doesn't know if she'll make it another day, etc. etc. (I've heard it all before), and sometimes, like now, she accuses me of keeping my kids from her (when I don't want to visit more than once a week) and says that the kids are the only thing that makes her happy. She says a lot of other accusatory things as well. And trust me, I DO know that her problems and unhappiness are not my fault, but the constant bombardment is just getting me down (she called 5 times today, and that is relatively tame).
When my husband and I were first dating, she left a note that seemed suspiciously like a suicide note (it was vague enough that it could be interpreted in other ways, she later claimed she was just leaving to go on vacation) and disappeared, so my brother called the police, who caught up with her at my dad's nursing home and took her for psychiatric evaluation. They let her go a few hours later, according to her because nothing was wrong with her. I was terrified my now-husband would drop me like a hot potato after seeing the crazy he was marrying into. My mom has seen a psychologist, too, who apparently (according to her, I've never spoken to him) says that there is nothing wrong with her, but that the real problem is her children. I don't doubt that she has some depression, but I can't stand the way she uses it, threatening suicide when she doesn't get her way or when she feels like she's not getting enough attention, but then claiming nothing is wrong when I say she needs psychiatric help.
Basically, I'm tired of dealing with an extra toddler. (Like I just said to my husband, if I had a dollar for every time my mother has said she has a big favor to ask of me, well, he could quit his job).
I just don't know what to do anymore. I dread spending time with her, I dread talking on the phone with her. It's impossible to have a reasonable conversation since I disagree with almost everything that comes out of her mouth, but she takes my silence as acceptance. If I don't answer the phone, she calls again and again and again, but she refuses to leave a message with any real information about why she's calling. I'm so tired of dealing with it all, and I feel like it's never going to stop. I'm tempted to move farther away just so I don't have to keep making up excuses to not visit.
And here's the thing, all the reasonable-sounding things you'll suggest won't work. She cannot be changed, this I know, and there is no way to talk to her rationally about any of this. Trust me, I've tried, and many people in my life who originally advocated trying to work things out with her have admitted defeat. It's more like how do I train myself to handle it better? I would love, in some ways, to just cut her out of my life, but I don't think my conscience can handle it, so what else can I do?
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Still dreaming, wishing for a third
I am having a bit of a rough week, although I am not feeling too down about it, surprisingly. I had some bad coughing fits earlier this week which seems to have caused some rib pain - muscle spasms? Not sure. It hurts to cough, and it hurts to lie on my right side. I'm also having insomnia. Again. The rib pain makes it worse, so I took ny.quil last night, but while that helps with the coughing, pain, and insomnia, it makes me super groggy in the morning, and I sleep in when I should really be getting up and doing stuff.
Anyway. A friend of mine went through infertility around the same time as I did (had an actual diagnosis of MFI) and went through 3 IUIs before conceiving naturally during a break cycle right before starting IVF. Her daughter is a few months younger than my kids, she turned 3 in September. My friend just had baby #2 last week, and I went to see him today. He was precious, beautiful. I was there for hours and didn't hear him cry. I asked my friend to tell me all the crappy stuff, to remind me of the bad things, too, so I wouldn't want another baby so badly, but nothing she said sounded that bad to me.
My friend had her tubes tied, so she knows she's not having more kids, and she said that this time she's relaxed and enjoying it. She lets him nap on her, sits for hours holding him, doesn't worry if the house is messy. She looks wonderful. She had an emergency c-section the first time (just like me), so she opted not to try for a VBAC but instead had a scheduled c-section again, and seems to be handling the recovery just fine.
It sounds like the biggest problem is her first child, her daughter, who is having regression and jealousy issues and has become really difficult to handle. My friend said they've been trying really hard to give her attention and not have her feel left out but I guess it's not working that well. I can totally understand, though - my kids are both three, and they are already super jealous of each other. I can't even imagine having a baby right now, they would be horrified.
And yet, I can't help wanting one. Just one more. A family of five. Another little one to hold and cuddle and snuggle, to watch grow up with his or her brother and sister. I am so incredibly happy and blessed with my two sweetie pies, I know I wouldn't be heartbroken not to have another, not even close. But that doesn't stop me from wanting another one anyway ... sigh.
P.S. I've mentioned it before, and I'm mentioning it again - I would not do fertility treatments again. If I were to have another one, it would have to happen naturally. So who knows if there's even a chance, anyway?
Anyway. A friend of mine went through infertility around the same time as I did (had an actual diagnosis of MFI) and went through 3 IUIs before conceiving naturally during a break cycle right before starting IVF. Her daughter is a few months younger than my kids, she turned 3 in September. My friend just had baby #2 last week, and I went to see him today. He was precious, beautiful. I was there for hours and didn't hear him cry. I asked my friend to tell me all the crappy stuff, to remind me of the bad things, too, so I wouldn't want another baby so badly, but nothing she said sounded that bad to me.
My friend had her tubes tied, so she knows she's not having more kids, and she said that this time she's relaxed and enjoying it. She lets him nap on her, sits for hours holding him, doesn't worry if the house is messy. She looks wonderful. She had an emergency c-section the first time (just like me), so she opted not to try for a VBAC but instead had a scheduled c-section again, and seems to be handling the recovery just fine.
It sounds like the biggest problem is her first child, her daughter, who is having regression and jealousy issues and has become really difficult to handle. My friend said they've been trying really hard to give her attention and not have her feel left out but I guess it's not working that well. I can totally understand, though - my kids are both three, and they are already super jealous of each other. I can't even imagine having a baby right now, they would be horrified.
And yet, I can't help wanting one. Just one more. A family of five. Another little one to hold and cuddle and snuggle, to watch grow up with his or her brother and sister. I am so incredibly happy and blessed with my two sweetie pies, I know I wouldn't be heartbroken not to have another, not even close. But that doesn't stop me from wanting another one anyway ... sigh.
P.S. I've mentioned it before, and I'm mentioning it again - I would not do fertility treatments again. If I were to have another one, it would have to happen naturally. So who knows if there's even a chance, anyway?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)