No rain in the forecast. The situation is becoming dire here in California.
I had a Mi.r.ena IUD placed today. I am feeling incredibly ambivalent about it, which would probably be obvious based on my feelings and posts from recent times. I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not I would want another child. I wish I knew if it were even possible ... if infertility prevented us from ever having a child spontaneously, that would probably end my dilemma right there, since I am not interested in using fertility treatments again. But knowing that it's completely out of my hands now, that I would have to make affirmative steps to get pregnant (by having the IUD removed instead of just stopping taking regular BC) makes me feel powerless and helpless. I think for my daily life, it's a great thing, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.
In other news, Turtle is STILL struggling with preschool. He cried when I dropped him off yesterday, and today he looked like he was struggling to hold it together. I wish I knew what was causing this. I wish I knew if it was something that I could help with, or if he's just going through a phase and we have to wait it out. I wish I knew if changing schools would help, or if it would just make matters worse by bringing more upheaval and uncertainty.
Speaking of changing schools, I did think about looking into other schools for the fall, just in case things don't improve where we are, and then realized that my babies have only one year of preschool left before they start kindergarten. My babies. What happened?! When did they grow up?! Of course, this is contributing to my general feelings of unhappiness about the whole unsettled question of if/when we would try for another. One of the sad things about having twins, I think, is that it's over so fast, and when it's over, it's over. I'm sorry, obviously I'm feeling melancholy today.
This afternoon, in just a few hours, I go see the psychologist for the first time. I'm nervous, for a few reasons. The primary one is that I've been hoping that this will lift a burden in my life, and help me to be happier and more content. The reality is that I know there will be a lot of difficult things to face, and that bringing true peace, contentment, and happiness to my life will come only as a result of changing or ending the relationship with my mother, and I dread that. This is one of those problems you wish you could ignore and it would go away. Still, I am hopeful that this is the first step towards change.
On another note, I'm sporadically trying to improve my physical health, going to the gym, and setting goals for fitness. I'm working my way up to cycling and swimming regularly again, and I hope to start running, but I am nervous that the pain in my hip will come back much worse than it is when I am not running. I realize I probably need to make a doctor's appointment for that soon. One of the benefits of this terrible drought we are embarking on here in California is that I have been able to cycle more, and I am making a pledge to get back to it (although I have pledged that many times here over the last 2 years with mixed results). I picked up the kids from school yesterday with the bike, and hope to do it again today.
One last thing - I'm working on applying for substitute teachings jobs. My work life is really busy right now because we are about to start immigration visa season for my husband's company, and that will mean a lot of work in the next two months, but I hope to at least get my applications on file so I am ready if I get any opportunities to teach soon.
Well, I am feeling better, once again, for writing this out, and will try to keep updates coming about the kids, and the therapy, and working out and life in general. Please send rainy thoughts our way - we are still dry as a bone here and I'm very worried about what the spring and summer hold for us. Hope all is well with you.