Ah, domesticity

Well, as my luck would have it, as soon as I wrote my last post about getting back on track, our house has been struck down by plague.  Not the actual Plague, but some sort of sickness that gives the kids a fever, runny nose, and cough, but doesn't seem to slow them down or prevent them from making enormous messes.  They've been sick since Monday (but I didn't realize it was a real thing until they got their fevers on Tuesday).  Ah, it's been lovely.  Also, it rained!  Which is awesome!  But between the sickness and the rain, I have barely been able to exercise.  Luckily, thanks to my husband working from home a couple days this week, I was able to get out a few times anyway.

So.  It has been a rough week. To say the least.  Yesterday, knowing it was going to rain and I'd be stuck inside with the kids all day, I decided to defrost our leftover Thanksgiving turkey to make turkey soup (good for the sick kids!), I baked 12 loaves of French bread (probably will not do again for a while, at least not with the kids underfoot), and made a bunch of pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins.  Which my sweet-tooth son will not eat because he's worried that eating unhealthy food will give him a stomach ache.  Sigh.  I feel like a domestic goddess.  But four days of having sick whiny kids is taking its toll, and the TV is getting turned on more than I'd normally like, but right now I don't mind at all.

I've been thinking about my health issues again, lately.  I mentioned that I wanted to try gluten free, then I chickened out, but it's on my radar again.  On one had, I have no hard evidence to support that I have a gluten intolerance.  On the other hand, what can it hurt?  Besides completely changing the way I eat and cook for a while.  Still, I'm seriously considering it, and considering bringing it up with the doctor.

I talked to my sister about my hip pain and she mentioned trying yoga.  I have not had time to try an actual class, nor am I sure I want to just yet since at the moment I'm only looking at specific yoga poses that will help with the hip pain and I don't want to spend an hour in a class that may or may not cover those poses, but I am dabbling.  Here is the specific article that inspired me, since this is EXACTLY my ailment (a painful, stiff left hip after running).  So far I'm only really doing the pigeon pose, since out of the other two, one is too hard for me at the moment, and the other doesn't seem to do anything for me, but man, just that one is really helping.  I try to do it twice a day and hold the stretch for several minutes at a time, although sometimes I only manage it once per day.  This morning I ran 2.5 miles, then did the stretch almost immediately after (instead of waiting until later), and I have been more or less pain-free all day, which has almost never happened in the last 6 months.

So I am hopeful.  I would like to work some yoga and meditation into my daily routine, but I'm not sure how.  For one thing, I need both a time and a place to do it, and with two 3-year-olds in the house, finding both of those things is tough.

So - for my chronic hip pain, I've discovered yoga and I'm considering a potential gluten-free experiment.  I feel happy to have some options.  And I'm hoping the gluten-free experiment might help with a few other things, like the digestive issues, achy joints, and fatigue.  Although it seems like a lot of those things could be chalked up to having small children.  Ha.

Anyway, the cleaners are coming tomorrow, and it's late, and the house is a mess because of the aforementioned sick whiny kids not going to preschool all week, so I better get hopping.

Back on track!

The kids are home from preschool today.  Turtle woke up with a croupy cough and sounded like he was having a mild asthma attack.  He seemed much better by about 10-10:30, but they really didn't want to go to school.  I am still struggling with the school problem.  It seems like it will never end.  I'll write more about that in another post, probably.  So I have more or less scrapped my plans for today.  But my wonderful husband came home to work for the afternoon so I could go for a bike ride while the kids napped, which is great because it's such a beautiful day.

I'm trying to stay on track for exercise, and I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've been managing to get one workout per day, five days per week, pretty consistently.  Since there's a master's swim team at my gym, I no longer have to pay for the city master's swim team, plus I get to use the gym and all the other classes they offer.  I think I may try to work out even more as I get in better shape.  Ironically, I am at my highest weight ever (except for when pregnant), and I'm wondering if there is some other factor, like the Mir.en.a IUD that could be causing it.

To stay on track, I have a lot of goals for this year.  I would like to do at least one sprint triathlon this summer, and if I can, I'd like to try to be competitive (i.e. place at least 5th), but that would be icing on the cake.  If training in the next couple months goes well, I might like to try an international triathlon as well, but I'm less excited about it.  I'm aiming tentatively for a half marathon in April, but I recognize I may not have enough time to train that quickly, which is ok.  If I don't make that, I will see if there is a half marathon in May or June in this area.  So that's the plan for the summer.  We're planning to go to Italy, and I'd like to be in good shape, so that I can be in good shape for outdoor sports while I'm there, and so I can look good and feel healthy while I'm there.  And then I am considering running a marathon in December, the same one I was training for a year and a half ago when I fell and broke my finger and ended up having two surgeries.  That will depend entirely on how the spring and summer go, but I'm feeling hopeful and happy about it.

In addition to all this training, I'm also going to give up desserts and coffee for Lent.  I may try to start sooner than that.  I'm not sure if I'm going to count making coffee at home yet, but definitely no Sta.rbu.cks or Pe.et.s (or the super cheap coffee frappe's they have at costco either, sigh).  It's going to be really hard, but I hope I'll feel so much better for it.

And then in the meantime, I'm still working on a ton of other things, including crafts (a baby quilt for my friend who's having her first!  a dress for Tadpole!  stuff for my sister's wedding!), work for my husband, and work on my potential substitute teaching gig that I hope will eventually work out.  And I need to start planning our trip to Italy, since it will need to coincide with several other people visiting us and possibly us visiting some friends who are moving to London next week.  Big plans ahead!  OK, time to get the kids up and ready for soccer!

The sound of raindrops

Hi friends.  Did you hear?  It rained.  It was beautiful, healing rain.  I can't tell you how thoroughly I enjoyed it how much I missed it.  It has been more than a year since I have seen a real rainstorm, and it made me want to dance with joy.  We still need a lot more to help with the drought conditions, but it was good.  For the next big rainstorm, I want to have a warm soup dinner and a cozy cuddle on the couch with a fire in the fireplace.  I can't wait!

Life is not bad right now.  I'm very busy.  I'm working a lot on stuff for my husband's company, I'm trying to keep up with all the housework, and more importantly, I'm trying to make exercise a priority.  I'll talk about that in a minute.

I also started seeing a therapist.  I'm not sure she's really what I need.  Within the first two sessions, she suggested that my mother is mentally ill and confirmed the tentative diagnosis my sister and I had made through our research (mostly dr. go.o.gle, but also reading some self-help and lay-person-friendly books).  She would not presume to actually diagnose my mother without ever having met her, but she confirmed that my description of her behavior is consistent with someone with a personality disorder.  She also gave me a book and it seems most likely that she has Bord.erl.ine Personality Disorder, possibly with some Nar.cissistic Personality Disorder mixed in (for fun!), on top of depression and anxiety.  Sigh.

The last few weeks with my mom have been as exhausting as usual.  It's very emotionally and mentally draining dealing with someone like that.  It's not so bad when I don't talk to her regularly, but one of her more annoying traits, which is consistent with someone with BPD, is the need to cling more tightly when she feels abandoned, which often means multiple phone calls per day.  Sometimes when I don't answer, she just keeps hanging up and calling again, over and over, and I can't turn off my phone in case my husband or the preschool needs to call.

Anyway.  Things are actually not bad, as I said.  We had a nice weekend.  I'm trying to exercise at least 3-5 times per week.  I'm swimming twice per week as part of that, and it's great.  I love swimming.  I'm trying to run 1-2 times per week and cycle 1-2 times per week, too.  I'm hoping to do a triathlon this summer, if not 2 or 3, but we'll see.  I still have hip pain, unfortunately.  I will probably try to make a doctor's appointment soon.  I keep saying that, then the pain gets better, but it always comes back, so it's probably time.  I'm tired of feeling like a creaky, achy old woman after I work out.  I also read that gluten intolerance can cause joint pain, in addition to other problems I have had over the years including digestive issues, fatigue/insomnia, and (drum roll please) ..... infertility!  Ah ha ha ha.  Yay.

So I am considering going gluten-free for 2-4 weeks.  It will be REALLY hard.  Insanely hard.  I'm married to an Italian, yo.  We eat lots of bread and pasta.  But I think it will be worth it, if I can either rule that out as the problem or figure out that it actually IS the problem.

I haven't had any time for my substitute teaching application, which is fine since I wouldn't have been able to actually sub anyway, I've been so busy.  I have a lot more work coming up for my husband's company, too, it should quiet down in April, I hope.  Since I am essentially working for free, the company is considering doing something nice for me, such as paying for cleaning, a weekend at a spa, or regular massages.  I'm trying to decide what I'd want.  It all sounds nice!  On the other hand, a series of personal training sessions sounds nice, too.  My sister's trying to talk me into taking guitar lessons, and I've contacted a teacher, but I am really feeling like it might be too much right now.  I'm overwhelmed.

And it's late.  And I should go to bed.  I hope all is well, you may not hear from me for a while with all this craziness, but I'll be back!

Still no rain

No rain in the forecast.  The situation is becoming dire here in California.

I had a Mi.r.ena IUD placed today.  I am feeling incredibly ambivalent about it, which would probably be obvious based on my feelings and posts from recent times.  I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not I would want another child.  I wish I knew if it were even possible ... if infertility prevented us from ever having a child spontaneously, that would probably end my dilemma right there, since I am not interested in using fertility treatments again.  But knowing that it's completely out of my hands now, that I would have to make affirmative steps to get pregnant (by having the IUD removed instead of just stopping taking regular BC) makes me feel powerless and helpless.  I think for my daily life, it's a great thing, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

In other news, Turtle is STILL struggling with preschool.  He cried when I dropped him off yesterday, and today he looked like he was struggling to hold it together.  I wish I knew what was causing this.  I wish I knew if it was something that I could help with, or if he's just going through a phase and we have to wait it out.  I wish I knew if changing schools would help, or if it would just make matters worse by bringing more upheaval and uncertainty.

Speaking of changing schools, I did think about looking into other schools for the fall, just in case things don't improve where we are, and then realized that my babies have only one year of preschool left before they start kindergarten.  My babies.  What happened?!  When did they grow up?!  Of course, this is contributing to my general feelings of unhappiness about the whole unsettled question of if/when we would try for another.  One of the sad things about having twins, I think, is that it's over so fast, and when it's over, it's over.  I'm sorry, obviously I'm feeling melancholy today.

This afternoon, in just a few hours, I go see the psychologist for the first time.  I'm nervous, for a few reasons.  The primary one is that I've been hoping that this will lift a burden in my life, and help me to be happier and more content.  The reality is that I know there will be a lot of difficult things to face, and that bringing true peace, contentment, and happiness to my life will come only as a result of changing or ending the relationship with my mother, and I dread that.  This is one of those problems you wish you could ignore and it would go away.  Still, I am hopeful that this is the first step towards change.

On another note, I'm sporadically trying to improve my physical health, going to the gym, and setting goals for fitness.  I'm working my way up to cycling and swimming regularly again, and I hope to start running, but I am nervous that the pain in my hip will come back much worse than it is when I am not running.  I realize I probably need to make a doctor's appointment for that soon.  One of the benefits of this terrible drought we are embarking on here in California is that I have been able to cycle more, and I am making a pledge to get back to it (although I have pledged that many times here over the last 2 years with mixed results).  I picked up the kids from school yesterday with the bike, and hope to do it again today.

One last thing - I'm working on applying for substitute teachings jobs.  My work life is really busy right now because we are about to start immigration visa season for my husband's company, and that will mean a lot of work in the next two months, but I hope to at least get my applications on file so I am ready if I get any opportunities to teach soon.

Well, I am feeling better, once again, for writing this out, and will try to keep updates coming about the kids, and the therapy, and working out and life in general.  Please send rainy thoughts our way - we are still dry as a bone here and I'm very worried about what the spring and summer hold for us.  Hope all is well with you.

Monday blues

I'm having a rough time and feeling a little sorry for myself.  Boo.

I'm busy, so so busy.  My house is a mess.  I have so much to do, and a lot of it is boring mindless chores.  And the rest of it is important work that is stressful.  I don't have enough time.  I want the kids to spend both more and less time at school, because I need more time and I'm so exhausted, but I also miss them when they're not here.

Speaking of the kids, they are difficult.  Sometimes.  They're wonderful sometimes, too.  I think that just about sums up 3-year-olds.  They're very much into their toys and games, but they're not very good at playing independently.

I have a cold, and I am continuing to have issues with my digestion that are making me really unhappy.  Also, with all the work I have, I have not had time to go to the gym.  So physically, I am not feeling great.  My hip also continues to hurt after any type of physical activity, so I'm thinking it might be time to go back to the doctor.

Speaking of doctors I am STILL trying to find a therapist.  I have one who I've been playing phone-tag with, I hope to catch up with her tomorrow.  If that doesn't work out, I don't know.

Speaking of therapists, my relationship my mom continue to be problematic (I mean, I realize that probably won't ever change), and new problems have developed that are causing me a lot of anxiety.  She is now having legal issues with the buyers of her old house, and needs help (like I've said before, if I had a dollar for every time she said she needed help, I'd be rich).  When I think of my mom, I feel weary and old and worn out and beat down by life.  I hope my kids don't ever feel the same when they think of me.  I hope they think of me as someone who loves them, wants them to be happy, supports their choices in life, is their biggest cheerleader, and appreciates them 100% of the time.

Did I mention what my mom said about the Christmas gift I got her?  I spent some time going through photos and organizing a "family photo book" from the point of view of the kids.  Since it's from their point of view, it includes both my side of the family and my husband's side, of which my mom is very jealous.  There are probably more pictures of my husband's side of the family for two main reasons: 1. We don't see them nearly as often, so when we DO see them, it tends to be considered a "special occasion" and therefore we take more pictures; and 2. There are just a lot more people, when you count all the grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.  My family is very small in comparison.  So in order to get everyone in the book, there just had to be more space dedicated to my husband's family.

Anyway, I designed a photo book online and had it printed for my mom and my in-laws.  A little while after Christmas, my mom asked me if she ever thanked me, and I said no, and asked if she liked the book.  And she said "Well .... mostly."  Sigh.  The woman is NEVER HAPPY.  I realize that it doesn't sound that bad now that I've written it down, maybe I'm overreacting.

Just writing this has been a bit cathartic.  And now it's getting late, and my cold is making me soooooo tired, so I'm off to bed.

Grey Saturday

It's a cold gray Saturday, and there's a 40% chance of rain.  I think we are all praying for it - we are having a terrible drought here in Northern California.  I have seem almost no rain at all since I got back from Italy just under 11 months ago.  It's unfortunate that we thought of taking the kids to the warm water pool at my gym today for some swim practice, but we can skip that, no problem, if we get some rain.  Oh, please rain!  Maybe we should do a rain dance.

I love these gray rainy days, especially when you can stay home and play.  More or less in pajamas.  Although Tadpole woke up wet, so she had to change right away, and I'm in the middle of washing her sheets.  I feel like in the last year, there has been a major increase in laundry, sigh.  Today my husband is in San Francisco at some networking event, so we are just hanging out at home, praying for rain, playing with legos, and catching up on chores.

The other day the wild turkeys in the greenbelt jumped the fence and destroyed my vegetable garden.  I'm really upset about that.

Life is good.  I'm working hard these days, on work for my husband's company and on the house.  The housework is unbelievable and never-ending.  I am not really an organized person.  That is to say, I like an organized space, but I am often too lazy/tired to keep it that way, and just one slip usually leads to chaos around here, which requires an inordinate amount of work to reverse.  In the meantime, I haven't managed to apply for substitute teaching jobs because I need a letter of reference, and I haven't decided who to ask.  Not to mention that I will probably have to write the letter myself, and I'm not sure what to say, nor when I'll find time.  But I'm feeling hopeful.

In other news, my sister is getting married!  I'm so excited.  It's the first (and probably only) time I'll get to be in a wedding party.  Plus all the planning is so much fun.  It's going to be a lot of DIY since they have a very small budget and a very large number of people to invite, but I think it'll be a lot of fun.

In even more news, I can't seem to find a therapist.  Everyone is full or won't take my insurance, and it's so expensive without insurance.  I don't know what to do.  And I spend SO much time researching therapists, calling them and leaving messages, then waiting for a return call only to hear that they won't take me.  I am feeling really frustrated and helpless, which is sort of the opposite of what I hoped to get out of the whole therapy situation.  It's really insane, and I'm really unhappy about it.

With that being said, I still have mounds of chores to do, and the kids are making messes faster than I can clean them up.  I wish you good weather, whatever that means to you!

Rain

We are in such dire straights, friends, there is no rain.  It has almost not rained this winter, and barely rained last year.  I just looked at the 10-day forecast, and there is no end in sight.  It's so bad.  We were up at Lake Tahoe for New Year's in the Sierra Nevadas, and there is basically no snow on any south-facing mountainsides.  It looks like the end of spring.  It's a disaster.

Ironically, I got new skis for Christmas.  I wonder if I'll get to use them this year.  I'm starting to be doubtful.

Anyway.  I wanted to catch up on the last month.  We had a wonderful holiday, although I am thrilled the kids are back in school now.  I need a chance to get back on track with housework, real work, and exercise.  We were home for Christmas - well we spent Christmas Eve at my mom's, then came back to my place for the night and Christmas Day, along with my mother, brother and sister-in-law, and my nephews and niece who are all visiting from Washington.  It was awesome to have them here for two weeks.  My kids fell in love with their cousins.  I just wish they were closer so they could have a bigger extended family.

For Christmas this year, they didn't get a ton of toys, although there are still plenty.  The big gift, which they don't seem as excited about as I hoped, was a really cool, big, wooden dollhouse.  They also got legos and some other small toys, and my mom went overboard as usual.  I shudder to think how much she spent on gifts for her 5 grandchildren.

Speaking of my mother, things are really not good.  I'm trying to find a therapist, but it's so hard!  I can't believe it.  I research and find one that sounds like he or she might be a good fit, leave a message, wait for a call back, and then they tell me they're not accepting new patients or they want private pay only, no insurance.  I think I've done this at least 4 or 5 times now.  And then I have to find time to sit at the computer again and do more research and I go through the whole thing again.  After my mom hung up on me today, I have called three therapists - the first called me back quickly to say she's full, the second thankfully said she was full in her outgoing message so I didn't have to wait for her to call and tell me that, and I'm waiting to hear back from the third.  But I'm so frustrated.  Please send good thoughts that I'll find a compatible therapist soon so I can get back on the road to sanity and hopefully help my anxiety, too.

Anyway, I'm about to go pick up the munchkins, but I will try to write more regularly now that the holidays are over.  Cheers.