Struggling

I am struggling right now.  Things are not going great, and I am feeling a bit depressed.  I have so much going on, and I'm procrastinating like crazy.  And meanwhile life goes on and things happen.  The windshield gets cracked, and needs to be replaced.  Mail keeps piling up.  My computer breaks (GAH!!!) and has been getting repaired for WAY too long, while I am stuck using our super-crappy little netbook which has none of my documents or personal stuff on it.  My goodness, do I miss my computer.

My mother is driving me nuts and being her usual awful self.  I've stepped up and decided to take charge of trying to sell her house, and it's just not going well.  It's going terribly slowly.  It's turning into a lot of work and a lot of me driving the 45-minutes-each-way to her house to meet with realtors and try to get things moving, although I think we are too late to catch the summer sales opportunities, especially since my mom wants a 60-day escrow.  And for good reason - her 6000 square foot house is PACKED with stuff, and her 4-car garage is even worse (including 2 non-operational classic cars that have been moldering for years and have piles and piles of stuff on top of them).  Her idea of getting rid of stuff is for one of her children to take it, no matter how old and junky it is.  She can't bear to part with anything unless it stays in the family.  If the house actually DOES sell, someone is going to have to pack her up and move her, and it most likely will be me, the daughter who has almost-three-year-old twins and a husband who is working crazy hours starting up a new software company.  It's insane.

And then ... I'm realizing my down mood is because I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that we probably will not try for another child.  I will never again hold a tiny baby that's mine, never try to nurse, never feel little hands and feet kicking inside my belly.  Never again dream of what that child could look like, what their personality would be like, wondering if it's a boy or a girl.  Never see first steps, or hear first words again.  I know that I'm incredibly lucky to have my two sweethearts.  They're so amazing and wonderful (most of the time), and I am so grateful for them.  But I'm still mourning nonetheless.  Their conception, and pregnancy, and birth, and early days and weeks did not go as planned at all, and I haven't yet accepted that I won't get another shot.  And when I think of all the good stuff, the things that were so amazingly awesome, I feel sad that I didn't appreciate it enough, that I couldn't, because there were two of them and one of me and I lived in a house that was being remodeled and had a husband who was in the middle of total craziness at work.  I can't seem to stop mourning what I'm giving up, more now than ever that I am getting older and the window for having another baby is closing.  I'm realizing that even though we haven't officially decided not to try again, our indecision is becoming a decision, and it's so so hard.

I also can't keep track of anything around here.  Paperwork, bills, shopping, cleaning, cooking, leftovers, laundry, forms for school, doctor's appointments, physical therapy.  It's out of control.  I need some sort of organizational system, something to keep the chaos a bit more at bay.

On the plus side - some things are going well.  My vegetable garden is great.  I'm trying to get in shape, with mixed results.  It's a bit depressing how bad things have gotten in the last few years from that point of view (even though I ran a half marathon in March, but now I'm scratching my head and wondering how the heck I did it).  I AM sort of getting some long-needed spring cleaning done, although I'm doing it so slowly that by the time I finish the third project on my list, the first one is in need of work again, forget the next 10 or 20!  I haven't had time for any crafts or sewing, but I'm ok with taking a break.

Well, that's my stream of consciousness.  Only about an hour before I have to go pick up the kids from preschool, so I need to make it count!