Last night I dreamed that I was in a bright, sunny hospital room, about to give birth. It wasn't a birthing room or an OR, just as regular hospital room, and I was there by myself with a male doctor who my dream self must have just imagined. I don't recall having painful contractions in the dream, but for some reason I decided at some point that I had to have a c-section, and the next thing I knew the doctor was cutting my belly and pulling out a surprisingly clean baby that looked a bit like a doll. It was a boy, although apparently I was expecting a girl, and I immediately held him to my b.re.ast and he latched on perfectly, and I was so happy.
Then my dream switched to my old office, which didn't look at all like it does in real life. Suddenly I was working in an office (rather than a cubicle) with my old grad school roommate. Everyone was asking me where I'd been, and I was telling everyone I'd had another kid, and everyone seemed surprised. Including my husband. Somehow no one had known that I was expecting. My husband was actually happy about it (in real life, he doesn't think he wants more kids). Weirdly, I didn't actually see the baby again in my dream, at least not that I remember, nor did I ever name him. I do remember wondering how on earth I'd ever manage breastfeeding since I'd gone straight back to work. And that's all I remember.
I never got around to finishing my post on whether or not I wanted to try for another child. As most of my readers know, it's tough for someone who's been through infertility to contemplate trying for more children because there are so many factors on top of the ones that normal couples go through when they make that decision. Factors that are financial, mental, emotional. Not really knowing what making that decision will lead to, and possibly having to think in advance of all the possible outcomes and steps along the way, and not knowing how you'll feel in advance at each step. Not wanting to screw up what you've got by pursuing what could be an elusive or impossible dream, but at the same time not wanting to give up on a dream that might come true. Not wanting to throw away money on something that might never happen, but knowing that you have to if you want even the remotest chance. Well, you know.
So that's where I am, speaking only for myself. I would love to have the experience of another pregnancy, another baby, another toddler running around. A singleton birth and babyhood. The chance to do it all over again. I always wanted a big family, and in theory, I would still love it, but real life is of course more complicated than my always-imagined life. My husband is really busy with work and will probably only become more so in the future. I'm not sure about having three kids, since we travel a lot to visit my husband's family in Italy, and an extra kid will make that exponentially harder. I'm not getting any younger (I'm 33), although most of my close friends have not even started having kids yet and some are older than I am. And I'm not sure my heart could take failing again. And if we failed, I don't know if I'd want to do treatment, and if I did, I don't know how far I'd want to go. And if I don't want to go that far, do I really want to open up that can of worms and then have to clean up the mess later? And I KNOW I wouldn't want the risk of having twins again, because as awesome as it has been, it has been so so hard, and I just couldn't put all of us through that. We have something awesome and amazing right now, and as much as I'd like to make it even more amazing, I don't know if it's worth the risk that something could screw it all up. I'm generally not much of a risk-taker.
If my husband were 100% for having more kids, or completely happy if I decided I wanted more, I would probably do it. But I don't think that's the case. So despite my yearning, I don't know if it will ever happen. And if it doesn't, it's ok. I'm so blessed to have Turtle and Tadpole, the little loves of my life, plus all my nieces and nephews. I'm in a good place right now. I just want to make sure I have no regrets before my time to decide runs out.