I'm driving myself crazy these days, obsessing, being paranoid, not able to think about anything else. Part of it is work being so crazy yet boring. I haven't had much time to myself, but since work these days is so time-consuming but leaves me plenty of time with my thoughts, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of having to listen to myself think constantly.
I had a rather baby-ful weekend, between the pics of my new darling niece Alana, and the baby shower for a friend that I went to on Saturday. I think I’ve mentioned that I hate baby showers, for reasons not really related to my current situation.
One of my current coping mechanisms is to think about the fun things that I do right now that I couldn’t do if I were pregnant. A sort of silver lining to a cloud that is, admittedly, not all that dark yet (insert the usual “I could be pregnant right now!” thought that is inevitably going through my brain).
Whenever I have a glass of wine, I think “ha! I’m enjoying this because I’m NOT PREGNANT! Yay!” Or when I’m climbing, and thinking about how I’ll lose all the strength and skill I’ve been building up over the last few years. Except – well, that’s really about it. The two things I do on a regular basis that I shouldn’t do anymore after (if) I ever get pregnant.
Except that I probably will enjoy a sip of wine every now and then. And I’ll probably climb for the first few months, albeit carefully and not anywhere where I’ll risk falling. I’ll probably still hike, and ride my beautiful bike. I may not ski (I have no idea if that’s safe), but I don’t ski all that often anyway. I’ll certainly still swim, if it’s the right season.
But still, it’s a sort of consolation prize, to try to think of reasons to be happy with the way things are right now. Very zen, and very not me. Which is probably why I can’t really lie to myself and why I’m never fooled even when I do.