Circles

One of the most frustrating things about all this is the thought that every time I get my period, it's only two weeks until we can try again. And then only two weeks until we find out if it worked. The hard thing is that it's so gradual, there's never one moment when you suddenly say, well, obviously this isn't working. It's always, well, let's just try again in two weeks.

When we finally got some tests done, it was right around when I ovulated. I didn't go get the bloodwork done for a week after that, and then I didn't get the results for several MORE days after that. If I actually had been pregnant, it would have seemed ridiculous to have done all thoses tests, only to find out I had been pregnant all along. Of course, it didn't work out that way. But still.

So here I am, anxiously waiting to see what will happen next. I wish I was like my husband. He never gets excited, never gets overly emotional, is always eternally patient. It must be a great way to be, but I wouldn't know. Today is Saturday, I'm expecting AF on Thursday or Friday. I'm going to try not to get my hopes up until Monday, and if there's still no AF, then I'll have a hard time waiting much longer. Ideally, I don't want to even think about doing a HPT until the middle of the following week.

But even thinking these things now means I have my hopes up. Which sucks. I wish I could just be happy about this whole process. Or zen. Just calm and indifferent, and ok with anything. I'd like to just happily expect my period, and be pleasantly surprised when (and if) it finally never arrives. For me, not getting my hopes up means being negative, pessimistic, and frankly miserable to be around. I can't seem to find a happy medium.

I just got a pic of my new niece. And in two hours, I'm off to a friend's baby shower. Sigh. For now, it doesn't depress me much, it just makes me hopeful and excited, because I still have a lot of hope that soon, it'll be me.