A moment of relative calm

Haven't posted in a few days because, well, I've been ok. Things are really ok. For the moment. The day things fell a bit apart earlier this week, I was finishing up a book (nonfiction) in which a family attempts to live life as if they were dirt farmers in the year 1900. They are attempting to get pregnant for the second time, but without any modern help – no OPKs, no HPTs, etc. They complain a bit because it seems to be taking them a while.

I finished the book on the train on the way home, the same day I finally admitted this wasn’t our month. And at the end, they talk about how they’re expecting in 6 months. I wanted to cry. I almost did cry. L gave me a huge hug when I got to his office, and I suddenly felt so much better, like he was finally taking me seriously. I didn’t tell him about the book, though.

Today is Halloween, and I can drink if I want. I don’t know if I will. I can also go in the hot tub if I want, but hot tubs aren’t really my thing (I mean, propriety calls for me to SHAVE – I don’t want to do that!). I just want to hang out with good friends and relax. I’m getting too old for parties, getting drunk, going in hot tubs. Perfect time to start a family, right? =)

So, anyway, feeling good. Not that I’m feeling positive about this month or anything. No, I’ve lost the ability to feel positive this far in advance. I don’t hold out hope things will work out this month. I’m pretty much expecting that in about two months we’ll make another appointment with the doctor, or at least call and ask what our options are. Which is fine. I’ll be ok with it. I think. I hope.

The great thing is, this is what I want. I don’t want to be happy, or accepting, or anything like that. I’m just not thinking about it, and I’m content with the rest of my life, and I know I’ll worry about this in the future (probably in two weeks, knowing me), but for now, I feel more ignorant. Which is really nice.

I’m working on my mosaic a lot, which is helping. It’s very distracting, and I’m enjoying it a lot. I think it’s beautiful, and I’m so happy with how it’s turning out. It’s nice to have a few projects that I’m really excited about at a time like this. It’s nice to feel like there are other things in my life that are creative and allow me some self-expression. I think I need some more of that.