I've been meaning to write for so long, about so many things. The kids are growing up so fast, they hit nine months a few days ago. But I've been in a funk, again. I don't know why. I was going to write about it, to try to figure it out, and then ...
I heard from my sister this morning. A friend of hers, someone who I knew who I would call an acquaintance (more of a friend of a friend), has died. He committed suicide. I don't know any of the details, but I had heard over a long time that he was unhappy, although you would never know it if you met him. He was one of the happiest people I knew, at least on the outside. I remember meeting him for the first time at the climbing gym, years ago. And I remember seeing him for the last time at a party last spring/early summer when I was very pregnant, and my feet were swollen up like huge balloons. And I know I saw him at least a few times in between, at various get-togethers with mutual friends.
For some reason, we never exchanged contact information, I never asked for his email or phone number, and I never friended him on Facebook. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to, it was just a matter of not ever thinking of it. I've always felt a bit awkward with friends of friends, not wanting to intrude on their friendship or overstep my bounds.
One of the things I've felt sad about recently is being very lonely. My husband is busier than ever at work, and now traveling all the time, too. He has even less free time, and of course he needs to spend it with the kids when he is around. My friends are slowly moving away, or moving on. I have only a few friends with kids, and most don't live too close. Being on my own with twins, I've had a hard time making friends in my mom's group, and with my husband traveling or busy in the evenings, I've had to miss many social opportunities because there's no one to stay home and watch the kids.
This tragedy is making me think. I would like to just be introspective and cry, and I can't because today is the last day my in-laws are here and we're hosting a big dinner party we've been planning for weeks, and even if none of that were happening, I have two clingy little babies who need me. But still. I'm thinking about life. This isn't the first time this has happened in my life. My best friend's stepbrother, who was actually almost exactly my age (one day older) and who I knew quite well because I spent so much time at their house, committed suicide when we were in high school.
In both these cases, I don't think that I would have made a huge difference in the person's life and in their choice to end their life. But I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. Probably they have much bigger problems, and having an old acquaintance say hi isn't enough to solve them. But I know when I've been really sad and felt totally friendless, having someone unexpected show that they care makes a lot of difference.
I spend a lot of time lamenting that I have few friends, and yet I don't do a lot to BE a friend. In some ways, I've forgotten how. And I'm not really able to, right now. I can't stop in and visit or help someone in need, not with two babies who create chaos and need me constantly. I can't offer an ear to listen, or a quiet sanctuary to just hang out, not with two babies trying to climb me to get the phone or fighting with each other and needing me to separate/console/hug/play. I can't really figure out how to balance things. I don't even have any time for ME, let alone for others. And I'm realizing that not only do I feel that loss, probably my friends and acquaintances do, too.
Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am so sad by what has happened. And I know it's not about me, not at all. I'm sad I didn't get to know this person better, and now I'll never have the chance. I'm sad for his family and all his friends, those who were actually close to him. I know that I have learned something, though how I can apply it to my life, I don't know. I'm just so sorry that this had to happen in order for me to learn it.