I wasn't sure what this week's theme would be until today. I've been gradually getting more and more emotional over the last week, and things are just not going well. I know this can be normal, and I'm not upset about it in and of itself - I'm more worried about post-partum depression.
All in all, things are good. I had my 34-week appointment today, and the babies look great. Now Tadpole is slightly bigger than Turtle, but since they are so close, it doesn't really matter. Tadpole is 4 pounds 12 ounces (up from 4 pounds 1 ounce), and Turtle is around 4 pounds 8 ounces (up from 4 pounds 4 ounces, which means he only gained 4 ounces in the last two weeks, while Tadpole gained 11 - hmmmmmm). The doctor was fine with it.
I start non-stress tests next Friday. I'm happy to be going in more often to make sure all is well. I'll be going twice a week after that. Next Wednesday is also my third wedding anniversary, and I'm really excited for that, as well. My wedding ranks as one of the best days of my life, right up there with meeting my husband, finding out I was pregnant, and then finding out I was having twins. Yep, those are probable the 4 best days of my life, and I'm looking forward to adding #5 - holding my babies for the first time.
My own health is decent - BP is good, weight is slightly high in my own mind but no one has mentioned it. My biggest problems are very swollen feet and hands, and insomnia. Last night I was awake for at least 4 hours. I'm exhausted, and I'm starting to dread what it's going to be like with two babies up all night. At least then I'll be holding the rewards in my arms (instead of having them kick the hell out of my ribs).
I'm trying to find some strength (which is hard, due to my insomnia). Incidentally, one of the biggest problems I'm dealing with is my mother. I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder, as she is a master manipulator, always has to be the center of attention, and has made me feel guilty my entire life. I've never been able to sustain any kind of defense against her, and I've always thought I needed help to learn to do that. Now that I'm about to have kids, I really want to learn to handle her. I don't want the kids using me as an example - I'm insecure, a people-pleaser, and not good at standing up for myself. I want them to be stronger than that, more like their father. I also don't want my mother affecting the kids directly, through even more guilt and manipulation. I have no idea what to do though - do I find a therapist? How? Can anyone offer any advice on how to learn to deal with destructive, manipulative people?
I'm pretty emotional myself. It's almost comical, the dumb stuff that I'll cry over, this coming from someone who rarely cries. Blame it on the hormones.
ReplyDeleteYou have sooooo much going on though! Moving AND having twins! I know I'd be a mess.
In fact, I got a little chocked up reading about your best days, since I've been thinking about that also.
So glad to hear that you and the twins are doing well!
ReplyDeleteI can see why you would be emotional. You are going through a lot of life changes at the moment.
I don't have any advice to offer on dealing with your difficult mother, but did want to say that I think therapy can be hugely helpful when dealing with a toxic person who is so close to you.
Definitely find a therapist! Try to start going before the babies come, since things will be so busy. At least do some research for finding someone now while you have some time. Seriously -- it will only get worse. Professionals can help you learn how to cope with a toxic family member and ensure you won't pass on the dysfunction to your kids. I promise you it will be worth it! You won't spend nearly as much energy dealing with/dreading/planning around/feeling guilty, etc., with your mom.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear things are going well. I worried about PPD a lot before Drake was here. Hope you don't have to deal with that, but just know that you're not alone. I would definitely talk to someone. It's awesome that you recognize something that you want to change. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteYay for 34 weeks and glad things are mostly going well although I am sure the lack of sleep is hard. I hope you find a way to deal with your mom effectively and in a healthy for you way.
ReplyDeleteyay for 34 weeks! it must seem crazy to think you could be holding them in your arms anytime now! i hope you are able to get some rest and enjoy some time before they make their entrance into the world.
ReplyDeleteabout your mother, i have no advice other than to tell you that i've known quite a few people who had unhealthy relationships with their mothers who sought counselling once they themselves were mothers. i think it's normal to want to fix yourself in order to be the best mom. just my two cents.
Wow, your words are my words too...same mom issue...similar personality traits.
ReplyDeleteI felt really terrible at points and really worried about ppd too. i guess i should still be worried, but right now i'm high on post birth baby love. if you have access to therapy, go for it. however, your feelings this particular week may roll over and won't necessarily set you up for ppd.
just know that you are not alone.
Wow - tadpole and turtle are growing like crazy!!! 5 lb twins are my goal and you're nearly there already. Good luck with the NST's - I'm sure you'll have no problems.
ReplyDeleteSorry I have no advice about your mother - I hope you find someone helpful.
Thanks for commenting on my blog! I read your posts and you are doing great!!!
ReplyDeleteAs far as mean people... It's hard but sometime you just have to cut them out of your life (sometimes for a little and sometimes for a long time).
Look at those babies GROW! YAY!!!! I think...no...I know it's completely understandable to be emotional and tired. I was only pregnant with one at a time and I remember thinking and feeling the exact same way! You're doing great, love!
ReplyDeleteAs far as your mom, if you can't find time for a therapist, try taking what she says with a grain of salt. Do your not to let her get to you or make you feel guilty. Easier said then done, I know, but it's worth a shot.
I hope you get some sleep!
*HUGS*