I wasn't sure what this week's theme would be until today. I've been gradually getting more and more emotional over the last week, and things are just not going well. I know this can be normal, and I'm not upset about it in and of itself - I'm more worried about post-partum depression.
All in all, things are good. I had my 34-week appointment today, and the babies look great. Now Tadpole is slightly bigger than Turtle, but since they are so close, it doesn't really matter. Tadpole is 4 pounds 12 ounces (up from 4 pounds 1 ounce), and Turtle is around 4 pounds 8 ounces (up from 4 pounds 4 ounces, which means he only gained 4 ounces in the last two weeks, while Tadpole gained 11 - hmmmmmm). The doctor was fine with it.
I start non-stress tests next Friday. I'm happy to be going in more often to make sure all is well. I'll be going twice a week after that. Next Wednesday is also my third wedding anniversary, and I'm really excited for that, as well. My wedding ranks as one of the best days of my life, right up there with meeting my husband, finding out I was pregnant, and then finding out I was having twins. Yep, those are probable the 4 best days of my life, and I'm looking forward to adding #5 - holding my babies for the first time.
My own health is decent - BP is good, weight is slightly high in my own mind but no one has mentioned it. My biggest problems are very swollen feet and hands, and insomnia. Last night I was awake for at least 4 hours. I'm exhausted, and I'm starting to dread what it's going to be like with two babies up all night. At least then I'll be holding the rewards in my arms (instead of having them kick the hell out of my ribs).
I'm trying to find some strength (which is hard, due to my insomnia). Incidentally, one of the biggest problems I'm dealing with is my mother. I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder, as she is a master manipulator, always has to be the center of attention, and has made me feel guilty my entire life. I've never been able to sustain any kind of defense against her, and I've always thought I needed help to learn to do that. Now that I'm about to have kids, I really want to learn to handle her. I don't want the kids using me as an example - I'm insecure, a people-pleaser, and not good at standing up for myself. I want them to be stronger than that, more like their father. I also don't want my mother affecting the kids directly, through even more guilt and manipulation. I have no idea what to do though - do I find a therapist? How? Can anyone offer any advice on how to learn to deal with destructive, manipulative people?