I'm having a hard time knowing what to write about. My emotions are all over the place these days, and I'm not always happy and sunny and thrilled about everything. I wrote a long post about that, but I think I'll spare you.
Let's just say that between the knee surgery and the twin pregnancy, my usual activities have been pretty much cut back to nothing and while I was consciously aware of what I was getting myself into, the emotional drag it has turned out to be is much harder than I expected. I am so, so, so happy to be pregnant with twins and would not give it up for anything. Sometimes I wish I could just take a break for a day or a week, though.
My job is sucking. I am already mentally on maternity leave, I've given up on my stupid promotion, and I'm tentatively planning on not coming back. Which means my days feel like long stretches of empty meaninglessness. Considering how much time I spend at work, it's not a very uplifting way to be preparing for the arrival of my little beans.
I was sailing through the pregnancy feeling pretty comfortable and safe, and then things got weird. I stupidly ate a few things I wasn't really supposed to eat, and drank a bit of wine, and then freaked out. I was sure I wasn't feeling the babies move anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night having a mild panic attack. I figured that even though I was still feeling some kicks, I had killed one of the babies. I read stories of people losing their twins to preterm labor, or losing one baby to SIDS. I was sure it would be me. I realized the awesome weight of my responsibilities in carrying these children, and I really wished someone could share it with me. That if something went wrong, it wouldn't have to be all my fault. I feel like I have learned a lesson and will no longer be taking stupid risks with the children I have waited so long and given up so much to have.
I think I'm over it now. I'm about 9 days from viability, even if I am still around 4 months from the end. I'm trying to help my sister plan my baby shower, and I even ordered baby memory books so I can start filling them out before I have no more time.
In the meantime, I'll try to write more, and comment more. 23 weeks on Wednesday. Deep breaths.
It's very easy to panic and over analyze every move after all that we have been through to get where we have! I have been so freakin cautious, that some people might think I am crazy! But if that is what preserves the little bit of sanity that is left of me, then that is what I will do!
ReplyDeleteHow frequently do you go for u/s? A twin pregnancy is always a high risk pregnancy, and there is nothing wrong in discussing it with your OB and demanding for more scans! On an average I have had a scan every two weeks, and that is something that has helped me mentally as well as medically (with all the contractions and shortening of cervix).
It is nice to have a paid maternity leave... and then not go back to work... but if it is going to be easier on you, your babies and your sanity, there is nothing wrong in quitting now as long as you can afford to. Twin PG can really-really get very stressful physically and emotiionally as you head inro the 3rd trimester!
I'm sorry you've hit a snag - I hope it continues to fade. I've found that it's easy to get stuck as well - with the thought of two getting overwhelming. I think it's pretty normal...
ReplyDeleteKeep breathing - it will be worth it in the end!
I'm sorry love. I wish I could just take all your fears away! You're doing just fine, though. Like the other gals said, twin pregnancies are hard. I hope you continue to breath and I'll be sending you lots of peaceful vibes.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
Sorry things have been more difficult. I know how hard it is to keep a positive outlook about things when you are unhappy in your job. It seems to color everything else. As for worrying about something happening, I would say to some extent that is normal. Especially to those who have already experienced some level of loss (not being able to get pregnant the expected way). It's hard not to fear or worry about something taking it all away. Hang in there and I hope things start to look better soon.
ReplyDeletei thought i had killed mine when i ate seaweed salad at 22 weeks. now i'm terrified that by lying on my left side, baby A is getting squished and if i'm on my right, baby B is getting squished. i'm convinced that i've damaged their brains with my anxiety. for me, the self blame is a constant that sort of waxes and wanes. it's comforting for me to read about these feeling in others. it sucks when jobs suck. a mental check out is a-ok.
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