Thursday, April 10, 2014

I have had such a rough day.  I don't know if writing about it will make things better or not, but here goes.

I planned a visit to a friend from my old job who has moved several hours away to a really isolated agricultural town in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley.  She just had her second child a couple months ago, and I've never even met the first one, who is 2.5 years old.  As it happened, I didn't meet him today either, since he was at daycare, but that's ok.  It was a miserable, boring, hot drive, but I has the chance to stopp at the cemetery where my father is buried, which is only about 15 minutes from their town so it was a nice opportunity.  I haven't been there since I was pregnant, I'm pretty sure.  Being there made me sadder than I expected.  I really miss my dad sometimes.

I stopped in to ask about having my dad's remains moved to a cemetery that's closer to us, as my mom regrets that he is so far away, but the information I got made it seem like it won't be possible.  The move would be at our cost (the original burial was either free or low cost because my dad was a veteran of WWII), and it requires notarized signatures of all living children.  My dad was not close to a few of his kids from his first marriage, especially his adopted son who stayed with his mother after my dad got divorced shortly after the adoption.  I think I've met my adopted half-brother only once, when I was a child.  While I doubt any of my half-siblings would be petty enough to refuse a signature, I can't imagine they would be bending over backwards to get it taken care of, either, especially since it requires a notary.  That plus the cost pretty much means it won't be happening.

Off to my friend's house, and she looks great.  She's the type of person who sees the silver lining in everything.  But I can tell pretty quickly she's unhappy with her current situation.  She's terribly isolated in the town where she lives, I don't think she has any friends.  She has been working until the birth of her second son, but she reviews school meal programs, so she mostly works from home or travels to school sites alone, and has no coworkers that are geographically close by (when I worked with her, we both worked at the main state office in Sacramento, but when her husband got a job as a veterinarian in that town, she was lucky enough to find that job opening within our same department that allowed her to continue working).  The main blow was when she told me about her niece - I've never met her sister-in-law, but I've heard a lot about their family.  They had identical twin girls who survived twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, and then got pregnant again immediately after their birth and had another little girl within a year.  I always enjoyed hearing stories about the three girls, but I discovered that since I last spoke to my friend last summer, one of the twins was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, and passed away just a few months ago at the age of 5.  I was completely shocked and saddened by the news, as I had thought often of my friend's extended family.  I never met her, but I still can't believe she is gone.

And then a lot of petty little things are just getting me down.  A friend from my book club has decided to reschedule several of our activities to days that work better for her, even though I can't make it and I'm the one who organized the outings in the first place.  When I asked her nicely if she would consider proposing a wider range of dates, she said she was only proposing dates that were convenient for her, and I don't see how I can do anything about it without sounding totally passive aggressive or controlling.

And my mother ... oh dear, my mother.  I'm at a loss for words.  I'm really tired of dealing with a mentally ill person who ... sigh, I don't even know where to start.  She is exhausting.  She called me at least 12 times today and left a series of messages, each more desperate than the one before, all about how she needs me and needs help and needs this and needs that.  I am reaching the end of my rope with her.  I couldn't find the strength to call her back today.

On my way home from my friend's house (another long, boring, hot 2-hour drive), I stopped at the post office to mail the second batch of cards for my sister's bridal shower, which I've spent many many hours working on this week.  A postal worker was gathering the mail, and I handed them to her.  She handed them back and informed me that since they're not completely flat (I glued a small fabric flower to each card) they require an extra 21 cents.  I had dropped a whole bunch in the mailbox yesterday without knowing that.  And they don't have return addresses.  So I don't know what is going to happen to those cards that I spent so much time and money on.  And I have no idea of knowing who will get invitations now and who won't.  It's such a huge mess that I don't even want to think about it.  I think that was the point  when I really lost it.  I'm a mess.  I've spent the rest of the day crying.

My husband is leaving for a week-long ski vacation in Europe in a couple weeks.  I don't really know what to say about that either.

We just bought tickets to Italy for the summer, and I am already regretting the dates I picked.  I'll be staying three weeks longer than my husband and flying back with the kids alone.  I'm not really sure why I decided to do that.  I like my house.  I like being home.  I like my summer garden and my friends (except for a few from my book club at the moment).  I like my kids being in preschool and having time to run and swim.  I like my kids having their bikes and their toys and their swim lessons.  I like having a car and being able to go where I want.  I'm just ... it's too much to even think about right now.

So.  I'm trying to regain my perspective, but things look awfully shitty right now.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry things suck. It will get better, hopefully soon. Is there any way you can change your flights so you come home the same time as your husband?


Thanks for sharing your thoughts!