So, the kids are in bed, it's another single Mama night for me, and I've got hours of work ahead of me before I hit the sack. Still, I keep thinking about what I'm going to do with my life in the years ahead. I have to admit, I wish I had a better idea of what would make me happy.
I know I've posted this before, but it always helps to get my thoughts out.
My husband suggested nursing school. I'd consider it. I would like working with patients, I think, at least most of them. I think I'd find it stimulating, interesting, and worthwhile work. But I'm nervous that it might be a little too "gory" for me. I'm not that squeamish, but I am a little bit. I'm not sure about getting needles in veins, for example. And I know it can get a lot worse than that.
One of my long-standing ideas has been to be a teacher. I used to want to teach high school, now I'm leaning more towards the younger grades. I'd like to be more creative, teach kids who still think school is fun (at least some of them), and still have that wide-eyed innocence. But taking care of my toddler twins makes me wonder whether I have the stamina to do it for years and years. Some days I have a lot of energy and ambition and ideas, other days (like today), I'm totally done by 1pm. And then there's all the outside-of-class work, too. And the low salary and difficult finding a job, at least in my town.
Another recent idea I've had is to be a doula or midwife. At first, I thought it was a bad idea. I'm not bitter, exactly, but I'm a bit wistful about the birth I could have had, but didn't. And the immediate aftermath. I'm jealous of those who got to everything "normally". I'm getting over it, I don't dwell on it or anything, but putting myself in a situation where I'd be witnessing what I didn't get to have, and will probably never get to have, over and over again seems like it might be painful. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether being a part of other people's good experiences might help me gradually get over my own pain, and start to associate more positive and happy thoughts around birthing. And also, I have the experience of a birth that didn't go nearly as planned, which has to be good for those whose own births don't go as planned. So I'm leaning towards this a lot, I just have to figure out how to get there.
Other ideas? Someone suggested physical therapy, sports therapy, coaching, etc., but I am not an expert in any of these things. I like many sports and I believe strongly in fitness, but I am not sure I am the person for that - it is not the front and center of my life. I am actually fascinated by quite a few things, including linguistics and languages in general, reading and writing, and editing, grammar, etc. But those are all hard fields to break into, especially without any experience.
So that is where I am at the moment. Just thinking, pondering. But considering that my kids are heading towards 2, and I am not getting younger, and I may need more schooling, I know I need to start making plans and thinking much more seriously. Any other ideas or suggestions?