A Little Hope

Sick.

2012-01-17T21:16:00.001-08:00

Well, Tadpole and I are now sick. Hubby is in New York and won't be back until Thursday night. The house is a disaster, we have furniture getting delivered tomorrow, and I'm really really worried about how tonight will go. Also, the daycare person was exposed to Tadpole today, so now I'm worried she might get sick, too. This is no fun!!!

And now that I have it, I feel SO SO sorry for Tadpole and Turtle, because it really sucks. Tadpole threw up so many times between 4 (when I picked her up from daycare) and 8 (when she went to bed). And then I joined the club shortly after. Ugh.

I'm just hoping and praying that my hubby doesn't get it, and I guess I'll know by tomorrow morning. Please send some good thoughts our way!

mid-January ramblings

2012-01-15T21:22:00.001-08:00

It's one of those evenings where even though I want to go to bed, I sort of don't because it means tomorrow will come faster. Turtle spent the whole day puking, including all his milk right before he went to bed, and hubby's leaving on a 4-day business trip to the East Coast tomorrow morning. Gah!!!! What if Turtle is still really sick? What if Tadpole gets sick, too? What if I get sick on top of it?!

I'm sort of freaked out about the possibilities right now. Of course, it would also be awful if hubby got sick while traveling, although Turtle didn't actually SEEM sick when he wasn't throwing up. He seemed mostly happy and upbeat and even somewhat energetic. But then he would be thirsty because he was dehydrated and he'd gulp a ton of water and then vomit it all over the place. I'm actually pretty worried about tonight because I think he's probably already dehydrated, so I'm debating about waking up during the night to give him water a few times. Assuming that he doesn't wake up on his own. Sigh. And puke in his bed, please no!!!

Anyway ... other than today, January has been going swimmingly. I'm doing great with my mini-resolution to not get more plastic bags, and I think I've only failed once or twice, including my first trip to the grocery store when I had my mesh bags with me but totally forgot and put some broccoli in a plastic bag. Luckily I then remembered, and that was my only bag for that trip. Now I want to try to remember to bring my own container for the salad bar, instead of using the cardboard boxes they provide.

Here's a toddler food tip, if yours aren't the picky kind - Tadpole isn't picky, and she LOVES the cubed cooked chicken and turkey from the salad bar, which is a really easy appetizer or protein meal portion when I don't have time to prepare food. I almost always have some of this in the fridge. Turtle of course won't eat it, since he is more or less a vegetarian, but hey, at least one kid will.

Back to me - I also have been running! With the stroller when necessary, without it whenever I can, and my last non-stroller run found me back at my pre-pregnancy, pre-knee surgery pace for the first time in almost 2.5 years!!!!! I am really excited. The last few weeks also saw my first runs longer than 1.8 miles in the last 2.5 years, I actually got up to 4 miles the other day, which used to be my minimum run back in my heyday. So I am quite happy and excited about that. Exercise really does boost the spirits.

I'm also finally making some progress on cleaning and organizing the house, and we've made huge progress getting furniture and some decor, which has been sadly lacking. There's still a LONG way to go, since we've basically had a ton of stuff packed for two years and multiple mini-moves in the meantime, so I've lost track of a lot of things, some of them quite important (hello, checkbooks! where are you?!), but I feel, hope, and pray that with the holidays behind us, I've got time to breathe and catch up, and maybe after another month I'll even have some time for me.

And last - I've got a little project I'm working on which I'm hoping may turn into a vocation or lead to at least a temporary "career". I'm trying to create some sort of bilingual situation for my kids, whether it be as small as a once-a-month playgroup or as big as a real preschool, we'll see, but I'm hoping that it will be a fun project that gives me something to do and exercise my brain a bit.

Thoughts of a third kid are still percolating. One thing I didn't mention in my last post is that we never got a diagnosis for our infertility, and we did pretty much all the tests. We DID get pregnant with an IUI in the end, and didn't go to IVF. So as far as we are concerned, not using BC would be "trying". And until we're sure we want to make the decision to ttc, we aren't ready to go there. I also don't think I could prevent myself from obsessing, so I don't THINK we'd be able to just let things take their course and see what happens. Either we'd get pregnant without being sure it's what we want, or I'd start freaking out about why I wasn't getting pregnant and ... well, better not to go there until we are a little more decided about the future.

How's your January going?

Dreams of a third child

2012-01-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed that I was in a bright, sunny hospital room, about to give birth. It wasn't a birthing room or an OR, just as regular hospital room, and I was there by myself with a male doctor who my dream self must have just imagined. I don't recall having painful contractions in the dream, but for some reason I decided at some point that I had to have a c-section, and the next thing I knew the doctor was cutting my belly and pulling out a surprisingly clean baby that looked a bit like a doll. It was a boy, although apparently I was expecting a girl, and I immediately held him to my b.re.ast and he latched on perfectly, and I was so happy.

Then my dream switched to my old office, which didn't look at all like it does in real life. Suddenly I was working in an office (rather than a cubicle) with my old grad school roommate. Everyone was asking me where I'd been, and I was telling everyone I'd had another kid, and everyone seemed surprised. Including my husband. Somehow no one had known that I was expecting. My husband was actually happy about it (in real life, he doesn't think he wants more kids). Weirdly, I didn't actually see the baby again in my dream, at least not that I remember, nor did I ever name him. I do remember wondering how on earth I'd ever manage breastfeeding since I'd gone straight back to work. And that's all I remember.

I never got around to finishing my post on whether or not I wanted to try for another child. As most of my readers know, it's tough for someone who's been through infertility to contemplate trying for more children because there are so many factors on top of the ones that normal couples go through when they make that decision. Factors that are financial, mental, emotional. Not really knowing what making that decision will lead to, and possibly having to think in advance of all the possible outcomes and steps along the way, and not knowing how you'll feel in advance at each step. Not wanting to screw up what you've got by pursuing what could be an elusive or impossible dream, but at the same time not wanting to give up on a dream that might come true. Not wanting to throw away money on something that might never happen, but knowing that you have to if you want even the remotest chance. Well, you know.

So that's where I am, speaking only for myself. I would love to have the experience of another pregnancy, another baby, another toddler running around. A singleton birth and babyhood. The chance to do it all over again. I always wanted a big family, and in theory, I would still love it, but real life is of course more complicated than my always-imagined life. My husband is really busy with work and will probably only become more so in the future. I'm not sure about having three kids, since we travel a lot to visit my husband's family in Italy, and an extra kid will make that exponentially harder. I'm not getting any younger (I'm 33), although most of my close friends have not even started having kids yet and some are older than I am. And I'm not sure my heart could take failing again. And if we failed, I don't know if I'd want to do treatment, and if I did, I don't know how far I'd want to go. And if I don't want to go that far, do I really want to open up that can of worms and then have to clean up the mess later? And I KNOW I wouldn't want the risk of having twins again, because as awesome as it has been, it has been so so hard, and I just couldn't put all of us through that. We have something awesome and amazing right now, and as much as I'd like to make it even more amazing, I don't know if it's worth the risk that something could screw it all up. I'm generally not much of a risk-taker.

If my husband were 100% for having more kids, or completely happy if I decided I wanted more, I would probably do it. But I don't think that's the case. So despite my yearning, I don't know if it will ever happen. And if it doesn't, it's ok. I'm so blessed to have Turtle and Tadpole, the little loves of my life, plus all my nieces and nephews. I'm in a good place right now. I just want to make sure I have no regrets before my time to decide runs out.

Any thoughts?

Hello there 2012

2012-01-03T09:58:00.000-08:00

Hi all! It's been a really busy holiday season for us. The first time we've been in our new, almost-done remodeled house for the holidays, the first time our kids were sort of aware of what was happening, and the first time I've seen my brother and his kids in about 2.5 years, so I haven't had much time for blogging.

It was a really nice time for us, I'm happy to say. We did a lot of relaxing, a bit of present-opening, and a lot of time spent with family and friends. We hosted Christmas brunch and dinner with my family, New Years Eve dinner and New Years breakfast with a group of friends who spent the night, New Years Day lunch with my family, and New Years Day dinner with another group of friends. In between, we went to the zoo, the park, my mom's house, and the mall to get professional pictures of my kids with their cousins. It's been fun!

The kids love their new tricycles, by the way, along with every other kid we've seen when we're out and about, and now I've got to learn about how to handle it when other parents aren't really parenting their kids (i.e. teaching them manners and how to share) - so far, I'm doing a really bad job.

And what about resolutions? I'm generally not a resolution kind of person, for the same reason I'm not a diet kind of person - I believe in making long-lasting lifestyle changes and goals, not short-term strict rules that I HAVE to follow to the letter. In past years I've not even made resolutions, but this year I want to do something. Two somethings, actually.

First, I want to try to think more about how my choices affect my life. That's my resolution, I suppose, to just think a little harder about consequences when I make choices. The choice to eat an extra cookie or an extra serving, to skip on running, to not drink enough water, and so on. I want to be more grateful for what I have, kinder and more thoughtful with others, to work on friendships instead of waiting for my friends to do their part. I just want to try to be the person I wish I could be, that I hope I can be, and I want to actively work on it rather than hoping that someday it will just magically happen. A tall order, I know.

And second, I think I want to set some mini-goals for myself, month by month, things that won't be hard to do and that I won't beat myself up about if I slip up. For January, I'd like to try to avoid bringing any more plastic bags into my house. I already shop with lots of cloth shopping bags, and I got myself some mesh fruit and veggie bags to replace the produce bags I sometimes bring home. I know I will occasionally buy something that is pre-bagged and I won't be able to do anything about it, but I'm going to do my best. And if I can do it for the whole month of January, hopefully I can turn it into a good habit!

Good luck with all of your New Years Resolutions! I hope you and your families had a great holiday season!

Advice needed - family relationships

2011-12-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, my mom was paranoid about my sister, my brother, and myself. She was worried about everything. She considered her primary goal as our mother to keep us safe, at any cost. We could never do a lot of things other kids did. For example, we lived in an extremely safe residential area, about 5 blocks from our elementary school, but were not allowed to bike to school until several years after our peers. We could not go away to summer camps. When my twin sister and I both got accepted to the university we went to, my mother deemed it too dangerous and insisted that if one of us go, the other had to go too, and we had to room together.

One of her primary ways of keeping us safe from strangers when we were young was to constantly tell us all the terrible news stories about bad things that had happened to other kids. (I'm assuming in retrospect that they are true, but for all I know, she made them up). Stories of kids who were abducted, tortured, killed in various ways. Kids who went into public bathrooms alone, who allowed strangers to speak to them, kids who were "too friendly". I remember feeling panicked as a child after she would tell me these stories. I think they helped me grow into an adult who is anxious, uncomfortable around people I don't know, and really socially awkward. I'm sure part of it is just who I am, but I can't help but feel that this contributed. Certainly it gave me a lot of fears and nightmares as a child. (Ironically, my mom never understood why I had so many nightmares).

Turtle is a very cautious little boy, but Tadpole is bright, cheery, friendly, and outgoing. At the Christmas party we had last week, I saw her in many different people's laps. She likes other kids and people with dogs at the park. She says hi to everyone whenever we go out anywhere.

My mother has commented on her friendliness several times, and has said "we'll need to do something about that", or something to that effect. The first time it happened, I was alarmed but didn't say or do anything, just filed it away in memory. Now I'm getting concerned, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Luckily, in some ways, my mother can't handle watching the kids alone, so I'm never in a position to have to refuse to allow her to babysit or spend time with them, since I always have to be there anyway. Also luckily, she doesn't see them THAT often - twice a week at most, and usually only once a week. But on the other side, there are plenty of other things she says and does that I'd like to shield my kids from - her snobbish attitude, her racism, her elitism. As a parent, she was overanxious, overprotective, overbearing, controlling, and manipulative. I don't want her to be close enough to them to pass any of her issues onto them. On the other hand, she is their grandmother and I don't believe in completely cutting off their relationship - she has her good attributes, and I don't want to shield my kids from all the negative things in their life, either.

Now that I'm writing this, I am thinking I shouldn't say anything, just be always present and always careful of what she's saying and how she's saying it. But ... I am uncomfortable and unhappy to have to be on alert at all times.

What would you do in this situation?

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat

2011-12-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, I didn't realize that it has been so long since I've posted. We've been really busy with the holidays, or rather, I have been busy. My husband isn't much of a holiday person, and my kids are too young to get it, so I do it all myself. I've been shopping and gift-wrapping and tree-and-house-decorating, and pretty soon I'll be crafting, baking, and Christmas-card-writing. I don't know how it will all get done in 10 days. Yikes!!!!! 10 DAYS!!!!!

Last night we hosted my husband's local company Christmas party, and it was fun! I had to work my arse off getting the house in shape, and my daycare called to say not to bring the kids in on Tuesday because she was sick, so it was like PANIC! It all went well, and somehow the kids even took good naps so I could get stuff done. Whew!

In the meantime, though, life has been really busy and I honestly don't see it getting easier even after Christmas. I'm using all my baby-free daycare time to get ready for Christmas, and so unpacking, organizing, cleaning, etc. has been put on hold until after the holidays.

Also, our contractor has all but disappeared, saying he has no money and had to take some other jobs to make some money, so our remodel is not exactly on hold, but having one person work on your house for about 5 hours per week makes for very slow going. It's annoying and we're starting to get really upset.

The kids are doing great! Turtle talks talks talks all the time now, he probably has about 30 words, maybe more (including animal sounds) and repeats us like crazy. Tadpole isn't really talking much (don't they say that girls usually talk first?), although she babbles and SHOUTS constantly. She clearly understands us, though, and is extremely active, on the verge of being hyper. They are so much fun! I didn't know that this age would be so fun.

I'm hoping they don't get overwhelmed with toys for Christmas. So far I've got them 3 or 4 toys to share, plus tricycles, and I know my mother has gotten them each a stuffed animal, book, 2-3 toys, and several outfits (she always goes overboard). I know my sister is making them some cool stuff, and I have no idea if my brother is doing anything. I also don't know if my in-laws in Italy are doing anything, but I doubt it. I suspect they'll make up for it the next time we see them, though. I'm REALLY excited about the first Christmas that they're sort-of aware of what's going on, and spending time with my side of the family. It definitely makes up for those years of wishing with all my heart to have little ones around for the holidays.

So here is a question for anyone with knowledge of daycare - if you can't bring your kids in because the daycare person is sick, should you have to pay for that day? Should I ask for a discount next month? Or see if she can take them some other time to make up for it? Anyone know what the usual rules are?

Thanksgiving

2011-11-27T22:44:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving was lovely here, and I am so thankful just for that. The whole weekend has been quite nice, actually. We had Thanksgiving at our new house for the first time ever, and we managed to get it cleaned up and all the food cooked on time (or in the case of the turkey, way early) and set a beautiful table and gathered with family and friends. It was really wonderful.

Then Friday we went to the Sacramento Childre.ns Museum, which our munchkins really enjoyed. It was their second time there, but the first time with two able-bodied adults, so we could let them really do whatever they wanted, and they had a blast.

Saturday we went to Grandma's to set up her Christmas tree, which was a bit stressful for all involved since we didn't really have enough people to watch the babies, get boxes from the garage and attic, and set things up while keeping the babies out of trouble. My mom is also not a natural born leader, not by a long shot! So it was frustrating when I would ask her "what should I do now? Where do you want this ___? Where is this decoration or that thing or ...?" and her answer was always "well, I don't know" and no further information. In the end we set up the tree and put out a few decorations and that was about it, because we can't read minds.

But! Then we went to Ch.uck e C.hee.se. Not really my favorite place in the world, but the kids had a blast. Tadpole especially. She ran around and danced and turned in circles and climbed on things and marveled and pointed at everything. She was so incredibly hyper. Turtle is becoming afraid of things ... he wouldn't ride on the little mini carousel, and he won't get in those coin-operated toddler rides if there are characters on there that he would have to sit next to. Tadpole has no such qualms. Which brings up another issue for perhaps another post - how my mother dealt with such an outgoing attitude in her kids, and how I plan to do that differently.

Today was a great day, in that we finally, finally, finally, 1.5 years after moving into our new house, bought some new furniture (besides cribs). We bought a media center for our living room! And ... a TV! I am not really into watching TV, although I do watch a few shows on n.etf.lix once in a while. Also, hubby and I like watching movies, and it has not been fun watching them on our tablet because it's small and you have to hold it (ok, I know there are holders, but anyway). Our last TV was a really old 28-or-so incher that I believe I had in college, and now we are getting a nice TV! That we can watch movies on! And a piece of furniture that will make our living room look like a living room! Because we will have something other than a couch and a bunch of toys in it. Yay!

I was really, really hoping we'd find some bedroom furniture we like, because I am getting a bit tired of keeping my glasses, books, earplugs, etc. on the floor. Hopefully we find something soon, as we are both tired of furniture shopping.

We had baths tonight for the kids, and I have two things to say about that. First, they have started kissing us when we ask them to. At least Tadpole does, Turtle often shakes his head and says "no no no no". Tadpole was in a really kissy mood tonight, puckering up and going after everyone. So then I got the idea to say, "Tadpole, can you kiss Turtle?" And they kissed each other! It was so cute. I can't imagine anything cuter than two 16-month-olds giving each other a kiss.

Second, Tadpole seems to have become the champion of pooping in the bathtub. I think out of the last 5 baths, she has pooped 4 times. And tonight, even though I changed a poopy diaper right before I put her in the tub, she was acting like she was about to do it again, so I yanked her out. I don't know what to do, it's like it has become a reflex. It's really gross. Any advice?

So at the end of this Thanksgiving weekend, as we head into our first Christmas in our new house, I am so thankful for all we have, and especially for our beautiful children.

Pictures!

2011-11-22T12:13:00.001-08:00

Here is the Christmas stocking I am working on for one of the kids. It is made of felt. Nothing is attached yet, so I can still rearrange, and I will probably add a few more details, including a cuff and their name. I also have to glue the pieces down, and will add detail stitching, and I have to sew the front and back together and do detail stitching around the edges. Then I have to make another one! Also, I just noticed that the front door of one of the houses is gone, probably floating around somewhere stuck to another piece of felt.

And here are two pics from the sheep festival in my husband's town in Italy. I was not there, my father-in-law took these pics, but I think they are absolutely magical.

This first one is just outside of town:

This second one is passing through the wall of the fort that surrounds the town:

16.5 months

2011-11-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

I LOVE this age. Despite my frequent complaints and a few bumps in the road, this age is so far the funnest, cutest yet. I was talking with an acquaintance at a friend's one-year-old's birthday party. The acquaintance has a 3.5-year-old and a baby, around 5-6 months, and I was reminiscing about that age and talking about how much I like the current age, even though I miss the little baby stages. The kids are SO much fun now, playing with everything, exploring, smiling, laughing, trying to talk.

We talked about how when they are babies, for a while you are just waiting for the big milestones and for things to get easier. You're waiting for them to start sleeping better, and then sleeping through the night, and then sitting up, playing with toys, crawling, walking. Saying a few words. And then suddenly they're little people, and they're so interactive and funny. They don't talk enough to talk back, and although they throw tantrums they're usually easy to distract or wait out, and then they're happy again.

Tadpole is still a little fireball. During circle time at our weekly playgroup, she does not sit quietly with me, oh no, definitely not! She runs around in circles inside the circle, clapping, shouting, laughing, waving at everyone, and everyone laughs at her. She gets so hyper sometimes! She's started fighting back against Turtle, and one of her favorite things to do now is smack him on the head, usually while he's stealing one of her toys. She is still a happy little bug, smiling at everyone! Her vocabulary isn't expanding too much, she sticks with "hi", "bye-bye", and a few other things that I can't tell what she's saying. She still only does a few animal sounds, but she often says something that sounds like "Hawaii". One of these days I"ll figure it out.

Turtle has had a vocabulary explosion! He learned new animal sounds every day, and often repeats words that we say in both English and Italian. He started saying something that sounded like "babbo" and after a few days we realized it was "bottle". He babbles constantly, and thinks we should understand everything he says. Also, he can work the ipad. As in, he can turn it on, swipe it to unlock it, and pick what he wants to do. Often what he wants to do is watch Sh.au.n the Sheep. He can start ne.tfl.ix, select Shaun, and start playing it. He can also start up most of the toddler games he likes. We have to keep it hidden, which we don't always remember to do, or else he has a meltdown if we don't let him play with it.

This will be the first Christmas that they're aware of what's going on, and I'm excited about it. I'm making them felt stockings (we were in Italy last year, so I didn't even worry about stockings). I'll post a pic later today or tomorrow. We'll probably get a small fake tree to put on the table this year, so I don't have to worry about them getting to it, and I plan to decorate the mantle and put a wreath on the door, and that's about it. We're thinking of getting them tricycles, plus a couple other small gifts like blocks. And my brother and his family will be here for Christmas! My brother hasn't even met my kids yet, and I haven't seen his two older kids in a couple years (they're 3 and 5, so they've changed a LOT). We saw his wife and their 18-month-old back in the spring, but the little guy will have changed a lot, too. I'm SO excited to get all the American cousins together for the first time!

Like I said, I'll post a few pics sometime in the next 24 hours, including a magical one of my husband's town in Italy that his father took during the fall sheep festival!

More rambling

2011-11-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

I am sick. We are all sick. Hubby brought it home with him from his last business trip, generous guy that he is, and shared it with all of us. Yay.

I am doing better these days. I still have such mixed feelings about daycare. God, I NEED that time to get stuff done, but ugh, I miss the babies so much when they are gone. Today, hubby is out of town and my friend's hubby had a business dinner, so we got our kids together at her house just after I picked up the kids from daycare. So I had pretty much no quiet time just with them today. I got home half an hour before their bedtime. Tadpole was wiped out! It was pretty funny. And Turtle, who'd been throwing fit after fit at our friend's house, suddenly became happy and sweet and was giving me hugs. He just missed me and wanted to spend time with his mama after being at daycare all day.

Also, I talked to the daycare about switching days, and she said she couldn't do it right now. She is getting another kid on Mon-Wed-Fri, and isn't equipped with highchairs and beds to do four kids on any one day. I wasn't going to switch them right away anyway, but now it's not even a possibility. And I had thought that I could look for another place, but now I'm realizing that the kids are used to her and her place, so switching could be traumatic for them. I totally recognize in hindsight that I should have found an ideal place right away instead of counting on being able to change later. So I don't know what to do. For now, through the holidays, we will stay where we are, and then we'll see.

In the meantime, the list of stuff to do just keeps getting longer! I hope to have a good chunk of it done by New Years or at least mid-January, and then we'll re-evaluate!

Next week is the first real Thanksgiving dinner at our house! We're having my mom, my sister, and 4 or 5 friends (one friend might have to work, he doesn't know yet). I'm excited and nervous! I've cooked the turkey for the last few years at my mom's house, but now I have a house to clean and a table to prepare and a lot of stuff to plan. I'm looking forward to it, though.

Anyone have any good turkey recipes?

Halloween pics

2011-11-13T21:03:00.001-08:00

I'm doing a lot better these days, and we've been really busy this weekend. I just found these pictures from Halloween. They're not that great, unfortunately. I've asked a friend who took more to send them to me, but she hasn't yet. So there you are, the best I can do at the moment!

Daycare

2011-11-10T10:08:00.001-08:00

I chose a daycare for my kids that was opened relatively recently and is run by a young woman who seems quite capable and so far has handled the kids very well. She's really sweet and loving with them, but I've also seen her correct them when they are rough with each other or misbehave (which they need). I am not at all concerned about her ability to take care of my children.

One of the main reasons I picked this daycare is because it is very close to my house. It is a 10-minute walk (max - sometimes I do it in less), and I LOVE that I can pop the kids in the stroller and have a nice walk over there, and not struggle with carseats and screaming, plus I get to actually enjoy the walk there and back. The first few times we went by bike, but then I needed to swap out the bike trailer into a stroller and that was a pain. But it only took about 3 minutes to get there. I'm not sure what I will do when it starts raining, or at least on days when it's raining hard.

I am struggling, though, because Turtle especially freaks out when he realizes I'm leaving. It's really heartbreaking. Today, he just wouldn't get far away from me because he knew if he did, I'd leave. I just stayed in the doorway and he kept bringing books and sitting in my lap and looking at me nervously if he strayed farther than a foot or two. When he saw I was leaving, he started screaming. Even the caregiver has talked about "making the transition easier" for him. I feel so bad. I realize that this isn't a problem with this particular daycare (I don't think), I think it's a separation anxiety problem, and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

The major downside of this place is that it is TINY. It's a little one-bedroom apartment. On nice days, which we've had so far, she takes them for walks, to the library, to the park, to the playground. But I'm worried about what will happen when it starts raining. I mean, I know people who have kids and live in small apartments, so I know it will be fine. But I still can't help but wonder if it's better to find another place.

Also, because the place is so small, she said she might take on another kid on the days mine go (Tue-Thur), but might not, and if she did, one more would be her max. Which is a bit of a disappointment, because we wanted our kids to get more socialized with other kids besides each other. Today, her Mon-Wed-Fri kid was there (around the same age), and they already seemed like they were having a good time when I left (well, Tadpole anyway).

Another negative is that because she has the other kid Mon-Wed-Fri, she wants my kids Tue-Thur, and Thursday is the day I usually go out with my mom's group, which I am now not doing. So the kids are actually losing that socialization opportunity, I'm missing my chance to see my other mom friends, and we're all missing chances to go to some of the fun places and do the fun activities the group has planned lately. If today goes well with the extra baby at daycare, I might just see if she's willing to switch it up at some point and maybe do Mon-Tue, so I can have the kids on Thursdays.

So I have mixed feelings. I was hoping to have the kids in a more formal setting, although I think they're young enough that it doesn't matter at this point. Perhaps switching to Mon-Tue will be better all around - they'll be with another kid on Mondays, have extra attention on Tuesdays, and we'll get to socialize on Thursdays.

Thanks for hearing me out! I'd be interested in hearing about your thoughts and/or experiences with daycare, too!

So where is my village?

2011-11-08T16:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm depressed. I'm not really sure, because I have good days. But overall, I feel strung out, tired, overwhelmed, and here's the kicker: any time any stupid little thing goes wrong, I am on the verge of crying. I'm actually getting a decent amount of sleep, but I feel exhausted all the time. I don't really have anxiety, I don't think, but I feel pretty hopeless most of the time.

I feel bad saying this. Logically, I know I am extremely lucky. I totally recognize that. I know I have two absolutely gorgeous children, what I wanted more than anything, and I would not go back and change that for anything. And I have no material wants. I have a car, and a beautiful house, and I live in a wonderful town and we can afford anything we need. But I don't have much time for myself, yet, and I don't have any long-term goals in my life (not too many short-term ones either, actually), which I think is contributing to my feelings.

I'm also clearly not over a few things from my past, most especially the breastfeeding debacle. I have so many regrets. I was just reading Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions" (good book, by the way), and she quotes someone (don't remember who) as saying that forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past. And I am struggling so hard with this. With how the labor and delivery and breastfeeding went, because I had such grand ideas and I failed at all of it.

I think the breastfeeding still bothers me the most because I had a choice there. I didn't have a choice for the labor and delivery problems - I made the best and sometimes only choices I could based on the problems I faced, and there was nothing better I could do. But breastfeeding - I COULD have done it. I could have been better prepared, could have tried to find more help, could have gone to La Leche League meetings. I was producing milk, and I could have worked at latching and maybe I could have made it work. Maybe. I don't know because I gave up.

I had some of the same problems then as I do now - I was isolated and lonely and desperate for some normalcy in my life. I had no support system at all, no one who was helpful, no one who was positively encouraging. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I used to think it was because kids needed so much work that you needed more than one person to do it all. But I get it now. It's because it's a hard job, and you just can't do it alone, physically, psychologically, emotionally. I sorely felt the lack of community at that time in my life, similarly to how I do now.

We live in our suburban houses with our fenced-off yards and our cars and sometimes I spend an entire day with no interaction with the outside world other than through my phone and computer. It's so lonely.

In addition, it takes a village because even though many aspects of motherhood come "naturally", instinctually, many don't. New mothers need to be mentored, need that sense of sisterhood from other mothers, need a hand sometimes, need to have someone hold their baby and can then hold someone else's sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean multiple times a day, not once a week. We need a real community, and most of us don't have it. We need to have others who came before us teach us, inspire us, support us.

My town actually has a lot of support for new moms, but you have to get yourself up and ready and out of the house, and get your baby ready, too. And with twins? Well, I just couldn't do it regularly enough. And one thing my town DOESN'T have is a mother's of twins club. I was and still am isolated. Sometimes the thought of getting myself up and dressed and my contacts in and socks and shoes on and my purse and keys and sunglasses, and THEN getting the kids changed and dressed and their socks and shoes on and the diaper bag packed with diapers and snacks and water bottles and books and maybe bottles of milk, and then struggling to get them in their carseats ... at that point, it doesn't seem worth going out.

Anyway, I am rambling. My point is, I don't know how to tell if I am depressed, and I don't know how to go about getting a professional opinion. I don't know if therapy or drugs will help me feel better. I want some advice. Especially in the absence of a village.

16 months

2011-11-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

(Sorry for not having Halloween pics yet, I thought they were on my phone, but they're actually on the camera and I'm tired and lazy tonight.)

Turtle and Tadpole were 16 months yesterday, and they are little balls of energy and sass. They exhaust me. I end every day wondering how our house got so destroyed after I spent so long the evening before cleaning it up.

They are super sweet and interacting more and more, which is awesome to see. They also want interaction with me even more, and they fight constantly for my attention. Turtle is the worst, he grabs my finger and wants me to go everywhere with him and do things he can totally do for himself, like pick a book off the bookshelf. He LOVES books and spends a lot of time each day flipping through them, preferably while sitting on my lap. He takes my finger and uses it to tap the animals he sees, then makes the animal sound or waits for me to do it. I think he's saying a lot of words that we just don't understand yet. Today he said "bubbles" and he clearly wanted me to blow some bubbles for him. He is addicted to TV, which worries me. I've had to use it a lot lately just to get a moment free to heat up dinner or go to the bathroom (I'm currently a single mom while hubby is traveling), and then it's hard to pry him away. He's teething badly and that makes him awfully cranky.

Tadpole is crankier than usual too, I suspect from teething. She's more independent than Turtle, in a way. As long as I'm nearby, she's ok, I don't have to always be playing with her or touching her. But if I leave the room or her sight, she freaks out and comes to find me. She likes books, too, but isn't very interested in TV at all. Whew, at least I don't have to worry about one of them. She's not sleeping well again, waking up early in the morning. Also, she seems to still need two naps, or else she just needs an earlier nap than Turtle - she regularly falls asleep in her high chair at lunch. Which is actually pretty funny, since she'll try to keep eating while her eyes are closing and her head is drooping. She understands more words than she lets on, since sometimes I'll say the name of an animal in conversation and she'll make the animal sound, and I won't even realize right away that she was picking up on my conversation.

They constantly test my limits and patience these days. They think it's funny when I say "no". I gave them a box of dry lima beans to play with and some measuring cups and scoops, and at first they had a ton of fun scooping up the beans and pouring them into different containers. Then Tadpole kept holding a few right in front of her mouth, looking at me, and smiling, just waiting for me to say "not in your mouth!" Today they were throwing the beans everywhere, so I packed them back up again. Also, Turtle was climbing onto the Leap..fr.og musical table and I kept telling him to keep his feet on the floor, and he'd just laugh. I can tell that discipline is going to be a real issue soon, and I'm dreading it.

And now the pictures:

First smoothie! Or maybe second, I don't remember:

I bought these balls at T.a.r.ge.t, and put them in laundry baskets, which was fun for a while. Now they just throw the balls all over the room and it's a pain to pick them all up.

I had the brilliant idea of putting them in the bathtub, too. Which was actually quite fun, but it was a huge pain picking them up.

Swinging at the park today. It was cold. I've started dressing Tadpole very girlishly, since she STILL doesn't have much hair and people constantly think she's a boy. Even when she's wearing pink.

And that's that. I still want to write about daycare and my mixed feelings, but I haven't had time. So, I owe you guys a post on daycare, Halloween pictures, and hopefully sometime soon some photos of my house, since the remodel is almost coming to a close!!! Hope all's well out there in blogland!

Random bits and pieces

2011-11-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am a single mama again, for a week, since hubby just headed off to Europe this afternoon. He'll be back in the states on Monday, but not home until Wednesday night. Boo.

So today has been a lot better than the last two days, and I've been thinking a lot about things I've been wanting to write. I figured it's a good time to get some of it down. It's a mash of advice, questions, and observations, hopefully there's something of interest to everyone.

- No one warns you, before you have kids, how hard it is to get a crib sheet on a crib mattress. It's really hard, especially if you use crib bumpers.

- The general consensus is that crib bumpers are Not Good, because they may contribute to SIDS. We used them anyway, however, because our kids kept banging their heads on the crib rails. One night Tadpole managed to get her leg stuck between the bars of her crib by just sticking her foot through the bars ABOVE her bumper, so major fail there. She was pretty unhappy about that. On the other hand, the bumper prevents her many many pacifiers from falling out of bed, so it's well worth it.

- I seem to be addicted to coffee. I drink it decaf, and only in fancy, frou-frou blended drinks with chocolate. I am addicted to the taste, I think. I would like to break this addiction.

- I had NO IDEA that the transition from two naps to one nap was actually a transition PERIOD. I thought that one day you just realized that your kid(s) didn't need two naps anymore and you just put them down a bit later and they slept longer and voila! Well, surprise! That's not how it works! It drags on and on and on, while they keep changing their minds daily about whether or not they want to sleep and how tired they are. And usually, on any particular day, one baby wants one nap and the other wants two. Which just sucks. I am looking forward for the transition to end and for everyone to be happily settled on one nap.

- We did not buy a glider when we found out we were (finally) going to have babies, which many people do. My mom donated her rocking chair, which she used when I was a baby, but I actually prefer these chairs from I.KE.A, which we already owned, and which allow you to sort of bounce, with a quicker rythym than a rocker. Just a note of advice. They don't work well for breastfeeding twins, though.

- I actually have a lot of interests other than sports, and I realize I haven't given that impression on this blog. Among other things, I like reading, crafts, cooking (I'm a foodie), and gardening. I am very much a do-it-yourselfer. I want to write more about that in future posts.

- I have mixed feelings about daycare, but since crazy things keep coming up (like WINDOWS IN CARS BREAKING SPONTANEOUSLY) and my pantry being taken over by moths, and so on, I need the kids to stay there for a bit while I patch up our house and our lives. I want to write more about all of that, too. Is that boring to read about?

Today, I hung out with my kids. We had lunch with their dad before he left for Europe. We made a mess of the house, which I haven't cleaned up because I have been writing blog posts. We read books and played with puzzles and refused to take naps, and were cranky and cute and sweet. We had an overall good day, with the usual ups and downs, and no broken car windows or stupid brain lapses resulting in forgetting to put on the parking brake (and therefore no damage to our cars, which is a big improvement over several other days this past week). No vomiting (so far, it's only 9:30, though). So in the scheme of things, compared to most of the last week, today gets a pretty high score in my book.

And the plot thickens ...

2011-11-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was sort of a horrible continuation of the day before. Today is much better, and I'll write a follow-up post lickety-split, but I just have to get yesterday down because it felt like it almost killed me.

So to catch up - Sunday: Tadpole vomited. Monday: Turtle vomited in the car all over himself and we spent the day driving around to visit all my mother's friends while trying to deal with the situation, and while she wasn't particularly nice to me. Sigh.

Tuesday morning.

I let hubby sleep in until about 8:15, then Tadpole, who's been up for a while, goes to wake him up.

Turtle wakes up and I go in and OMG, the smell. The smell of vomit. It's everywhere, particularly in his hair because that's where he likes to rub everything these days. My mind immediately starts racing ... they can't go to daycare, obviously. Which sucks because WE ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF MILK. Which I didn't think would be a problem, since they should have been in daycare, but CRAP! We have no milk! And this room and everything in it, including the baby, reeks.

So I quickly strip the baby and the other baby (who still smells of vomit from HER little party on Sunday) and dump them in the tub, totally impromptu, and then my husband comes running in, saying "crap, I had an important call at 8! I am going to go take it in the guest room". And leaves me alone with two pretty unhappy babies in the bathroom, where I have not prepared myself with towels, clean diapers or anything. And it's pretty cold in the house, too, so the babies are clearly getting cold. Sigh.

They get tired of the bath pretty quick, unsurprisingly, especially since I had to scrub Turtle's head pretty hard to get the vomit out of his hair. Poor little guy. So I RUN to grab diapers from the laundry room (just next door), race back, pull Tadpole out of the tub and quickly rub her dry and diaper her, then pull Turtle out of the tub and dry him and diaper him, too.

Out to the living room, both babies getting really cold and cranky, and I'm looking for clothes to put on them, when my husband appears, all annoyed that they're crying and interrupting his call.

Anyway, let's make a long story short and say it was a VERY stressful morning, and I finally got things calmed down and everyone dressed and warm and relatively quiet, and I stripped Turtle's bed and put on some clean sheets so at least it would be ready for naptime. BUT. I still had to go buy milk.

Quick aside - did I mention that my phone got shut off because an online account got broken into and my bank decided to cancel my card for fraud and my card paid for my phone? And my phone company's website decided not to recognize my password or secret question so I couldn't log in to pay for the phone? Yeah, so I had no phone for a few days.

ANYWAY - we went to Ta.rg.et, since we were short on diapers, too. It was windy. REALLY windy. I have a minivan, the kind that has rear side windows that crack open an inch or so (called "wing windows", apparently), and one of them had been stuck open since we left our car at long-term parking when we went to Italy, and we kept forgetting to close it.

After shopping, I load the kids in the car, and I'm standing at the back, loading the bags, when I hear a big crash. Somehow, I didn't see anything, and I thought maybe it was a tree branch cracking off in the wind. I get in and start driving away. After a couple minutes (I can't believe it took me this long), I realized that it seemed awfully ... loud ... in the car, and sort of windy. I turned and looked over my shoulder and THE FREAKING WINDOW WAS GONE!!!!!! The wind had ripped off the window.

I pulled into a parking lot, got out to look, and sure enough, no window. I raced back to T.ar.get, and some idiot was already parked in my spot, but I could still see the glass all over the ground. I have no idea how I didn't notice it before. I feel so lucky that the wind ripped it outwards and it broke on the ground, instead of into the car.

At that point, I almost had a breakdown, because it had been a really rough week. Actually, last week, I took my husband's car (used to be our mutual car) to the store, and forgot to put on the parking brake, and it was windy again (sheesh, this wind, it's killing me), and a gust of wind blew my car backwards into another car while I was grocery shopping. Basically, both cars had a scratched bumper, but she reported it to insurance and I've had a million calls and I already cried about that, and now this. (Do people really report such minor things to insurance? Wouldn't it have been easier for me to just PAY for her stupid bumper?)

Today was better, thank goodness.

Happy Freaking Halloween

2011-10-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

Today sucked. God, it was awful. I agreed to go to my mom's house for Halloween, partly out of guilt that she didn't see the babies in their costumes last year. This year, Tadpole was Supergirl (I ironed a logo on a plain blue shirt, my sister sewed on a make-shift cape, and she wore a cute red skirt from Ta.rg.et), and Turtle was Charlie Brown (plain yellow shirt with jagged stripe drawn on and brown pants). They were SO CUTE!

BUT!!!! My mom lives 45 minutes away, and about 20 minutes into the drive, Turtle pukes. all. over. himself. In the back of the car. UGH!!! It was on a stretch of highway with nowhere to stop, no exits, etc., and Tadpole had just fallen asleep. So I drove the rest of the way there (poor thing), stripped him, and washed his costume at her house while trying to prevent them from eating too much cat hair.

My mom's friend comes over, and I decide it's time to change everyone's diapers, based on the smell.

Mom's friend: Oh, I remember when we had to carry around diaper bags!

Mom: Oh, Sunflowerchilde always had these big ideas, that she wouldn't have to carry around a diaper bag, that she would breastfeed, that ...

Me: Excuse me! That's very hurtful. I WANTED to breastfeed, and got no support from anyone, INCLUDING YOU!

Mom: Well, I didn't care about breastfeeding. I mean, I didn't care about breastfeeding you, and I didn't care whether or not you breastfed.

I guess she was trying to make a point about how idealistic I was and how reality was sort of kicking me in the teeth, and I get it, point taken, but it still hurt a bit. Although I recognize that she didn't have any idea what it meant to me.

We went to lunch, and drove all over creation visiting her friends to "trick-or-treat", with both kids falling asleep at various inopportune times. Poor things spent hours in the car today, and poor Mama had to get them in and out of their carseats a million times.

Then on our 45-minute drive home, I start feeling not-so-good. When I'm close to home, I call hubby who, like a saint, immediately offers to come home and when he arrives admits that he's not feeling well either. Ugh, poor guy. I puked my guts out and laid in bed while he handled dinner for the kids and putting them to bed. They desperately needed a bath, but no one was up for it. Tonight, he is my hero.

And now I feel like total crap and am going to bed. I'll post pictures of the Halloween costumes in the next day or two, when I'm feeling a bit better.

15.5 months

2011-10-28T12:50:00.001-07:00

I always want to write down how things are going, and I never have the time, and when I do have the time, I don't have the motivation.

Tadpole and Turtle and growing in leaps and bounds! At their 15-month appointment on Monday (they were actually 15.5 months), they weighed 24.5 and 25.5 pounds respectively, and they're around 32 inches tall. Almost as tall as hobbits! Which is an idea I have for them for next Halloween. If they let me pick by next year.

They just learned to give kisses and it is SO sweet! I think my heart might melt every time they do it. Turtle will even stop crying to give me a kiss if I ask. Of course, he starts crying again right after, but hey. It's enough.

Turtle is talking up a storm! He says no, and does a lot of animal sounds, including dog, elephant, chicken, chick (baby chicken), lion, duck, sheep, and frog. He has done a coyote howl a couple times, too, and he says coco (with the accent on the second syllable, like coCO) in order to say a bunch of different things, many of which we haven't figured out yet. Tadpole just says "hi" and "bye-bye", and she'll occasionally do a couple animal sounds, usually dog and sheep.

I bought a couple small kid-sized plastic chairs at the thrift store for them, and they love sitting in them, although they're still slightly too small to sit in them easily. They also love the legos I borrowed from our toy library, and they are both still completely crazy about books. Which is wonderful!

Their second Halloween is almost upon us, and I made their costumes myself! They're very simple and required almost no skill or time, so don't be too proud of me. I'll post pics over the weekend, or Monday evening.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Daycare

2011-10-19T21:10:00.001-07:00

My babies start daycare tomorrow. I'm ... nervous, to say the least. Also a strange mixture of sad, relieved, excited, guilty, terrified. And other stuff. I feel a bit like of a failure. But I feel relief because finally, I get a bit of time for myself. Not just to breathe, but to get stuff DONE around here.

With the babies at home, I barely break even. Right now they are down to one nap most days. I spend that nap cleaning up after lunch and after the morning, washing the dishes, picking up toys, sweeping the floor, making phone calls or sending emails. After they go to bed, at 8pm, I clean up after dinner, unpack and repack the diaper bag, unload the car from errands, fold laundry, sort mail, pay bills, etc. If they've had a bath, I also have to clean up the bathroom, put away toys, and wipe down the tub. I go to bed wiped out, and then I get up pretty early and start all over. I can usually maintain things, but the problem is I started out behind and I'm still behind.

There's paperwork to be filled out and filed and sorted and recycled, and it's everywhere. There are closets to be cleaned out. The garage is a total disaster. It has a lot of stuff we never unpacked after we moved, a lot of old baby stuff, and all the regular "garage" stuff, and it's all in a big pile because the contractors moved it here and there and eventually shoved it all in the middle. And now it's covered in an inch of dust and dirt, too. There is furniture to be moved around, including in the kids' rooms, and it's hard to do that when they're awake and impossible to do when they're sleeping in there. We have a food moth infestation AND a clothes moth infestation, and I haven't been able to do anything about either one. In the last few weeks, we've had our heater go out, and the contractors have cut our electricity, water, and gas on various occasions, requiring me to spend a lot of time on the phone, or showing repair-people around to fix stuff.

On top of that, I never get to the gym. I don't get to work out. I feel like crap because of it, and I think I am actually more tired. I only shower a few times a week (when do you people shower? How?!). Every once in a while I manage to make a nice meal, but most of the time it's total crap, and we have to put the kids in front of the TV at some point just to get a few things done.

Next month, my husband will be going on an 8-day trip to Europe, and then later a 5-day trip to Europe. In between, he'll be doing lots of day trips, which often involve leaving at 7:30am and getting home after I go to bed, which means I handle everything from the moment the babies get up to the moment they go to bed, plus clean-up. I'm just so tired.

I have a dentist appointment next week, and I've had an intermittent toothache I haven't had time to get seen to in the meantime. I somehow got my birth control renewed without going to see the OBGYN, but I have to do that soon. My bras are all destroyed and I haven't been able to get new ones.

So that is why they are going to daycare two days per week. And why I am heartbroken about it, but also relieved to be able to just DO some of this stuff. And hopefully in a few weeks or months I can catch up, and we can reevaluate how things are. Maybe everyone will be happier with daycare. Maybe we'll hate it and we'll stop. In theory, we can choose whatever works for us and all be happy with it.

And sheesh, I make it all sound bad, which it's not! I mean, I don't get stuff done because I'm spending time with my beautiful children, and we generally have a lot of fun, even if we are running errands some of the time. Today we just got ice cream and hung out in the plaza in our town, played in the fountain and ran around and bought art supplies for some fun things I hope to do now that I will actually have TIME to do them. I will be able to prepare them on daycare days, and we'll be able to do them on days they're home, and I'm hoping the time we spend together will be more quality time.

Am I just kidding myself, though? I will miss them like crazy when they're not here. Maybe after I get things under control, I'll keep them home again full time. Maybe not. A blogger I read once said that she thought parents who work (I'll modify this to parents whose kids don't spend the whole day with them) may not love their kids more than parents who stay at home, but they probably appreciate them more, and I suspect that might be true. So we'll give it a shot tomorrow and see how it goes. Wish me luck, please!

15 months (and ten days)

2011-10-16T22:35:00.001-07:00

Last night, as every night, my husband and I went to check on the babies just before we went to bed. We always creep in with a flashlight and make sure everyone is settled, put an extra pacifier or two into Tadpole's crib, and make sure Turtle has his little elephant.

When we went into Tadpole's room last night, she was asleep sideways across the top of her crib, completely wedged up there, on her back with her arms thrown out wide (she often sleeps like that). She had her right foot hitched jauntily up over the crib bumper, with her foot sticking through the bars of her crib. We often wish we could take pictures of Tadpole while she sleeps, but that was definitely the best photo-op-that-couldn't yet.

Lately they've been talking more. They babble almost constantly, and sometimes it seems like they might say something intelligible. They do a bunch of animal sounds, although not always on cue, and most of them they do in Italian (animals talk differently in different languages, did you know that?). Turtle says "no" all the time, and I'm not sure he knows precisely what it means, but he does know that it's something he should say when he's unhappy, or doesn't want something, or DOES want something he can't have. Tadpole says "hi" and "bye-bye" while waving, which is adorable. Sometimes I think Turtle says "what is this?" or "what is that?", but I can never really tell. When they're exposed to two languages, it's even harder to guess what they may or may not be saying.

It is sometimes surreal to me that I got what I wanted and that I will most likely never get it again. That what I craved for so long is already passing me by, in a way. It makes me want to stop and savor every moment, even the bad ones (the tantrums, the horrible diapers, the food on the floor and in the hair and everywhere). I'm trying to live in the present without mourning not only the past but the future-that-will-one-day-be-past, which it turns out is much harder than I expected.

And in other news, I'm finally working on their rooms, now that the construction on our house is slowly creeping towards being finished (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!). So maybe I will actually get that done soon and post some pics, the way many infertiles do after they get pregnant but BEFORE the baby is born. I am only 16 months behind.

Hope y'all had a good weekend. Cheers.

Little stars

2011-10-07T22:20:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to write so long about the little stars of this blog, Turtle and Tadpole, of course. I NEED to start writing more regularly, but as usual it's 10:20pm and I want to get to bed because I will be up in no more than 8 hours. So here are some bullet points.

Tadpole-

- Super independent
- Now waves and says "bye bye" in this sweet, sugary voice (it almost sounds like she's faking being nice), usually at appropriate times
- Today she was lying on her back on the couch in her fleece footie pajamas, reading a book, feet crossed. Cutest thing EVER.

- Usually the sweetest, happiest baby ever. Right now she's cutting 3 molars. She's a bit miserable. So are the rest of us.
- Still hates wearing bows on her head. Hats too. Good thing cold weather is just around the corner.

Turtle-

- REALLY wants to talk. Babbles constantly in his own language. Like making the sounds of animals, and now can respond if you ask him what sound these animals make (either in Italian or in English): consistently does dog and cow. Sometimes does donkey, chicken, sheep. He does funky little clicking sounds for cat, because that's the sound we make when we call our cat.
- Throws a lot of temper tantrums. Drives me crazy. He's very willful, knows what he wants, and if he really has his mind set on something, he's impossible to distract.
- Lately what he wants the most is computers, to the point that we've had to ban them from the common area of the house completely. I'm really happy I got a smart phone now.
- Another thing he wants is to climb on everything. Often to get to a computer or other electronic device. We have no more chairs in our kitchen. Here he is climbing the contractor's ladder:

- Has become super sweet. Will give me butterfly kisses and hugs, it's the sweetest thing ever.

I joined a gym with child care, and haven't been able to bring myself to use it yet. A friend and I traded off watching each others' kids the last two days, so I actually swam 1500 yards this morning. Tonight, I am physically exhausted. My back, my shoulders. Thank goodness hubby is coming home from NYC tonight and tomorrow is Saturday. I need a break from picking up and carrying around heavy babies all day.

Today was also our first "playgroup" at our cooperative nursery school. It's 1.5 hours, once a week. I was super excited about it, but now that I've gone, I'm not that thrilled. My expectations were definitely too high. I will keep it up a while longer and see how it goes.

Well, my back is aching, so it's time for me to get to bed.

Trying again? (Part 1)

2011-10-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

So I've started writing a long, long post about whether or not I'd want to try for another baby, and it's sort of going nowhere. I wanted to write and post at least SOMETHING. Today I was thinking about my very general feelings about it.

I tend to NOT want another baby when things are at one end of the spectrum or the other. When things are really bad, I think that there's no way I could do this again, especially since having another one would just make things more stressful and more crazy and so on. I question my sanity for even thinking about it. When things are really good, I don't want to mess it up. I'm happy with my life, and happy that we'll be introducing our kids to the things we love sooner rather than later, like the great outdoors, skiing, hiking, and yes, other things too, like music, crafts, and reading books. I'm excited to start doing all that, and I know that having another baby would delay at least some of those things. It would be that much longer before we'd have the whole family participating in activities together.

On the other hand, when things are just good, and I am content, and we are hanging out at home and the kids are entertaining themselves or laughing at each other, or we're meeting friends or family, then I want another one. Because those are the times when another one would be even more fun, and a bigger family is even better. Then I wonder how I could even doubt my wishes to have another one.

So, briefly, that is one facet of the discussion for me. Other things of course include infertility treatments, travel, careers, etc. I will get to those another time. In the meantime, I'll write another post about Turtle and Tadpole, just as soon as I find some time!

Quick notes to show I'm still alive

2011-09-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

So! Here we are. It is my bed time and I am a single mom this week so I REALLY should get to bed, but I just have to write. I have so much going on in my head right now, but I've got to bullet-point it.

- Turtle and Tadpole are awesome and funny and fun and tiring and busy and active. They are now into climbing. On EVERYTHING. Their toys, chairs, tables, the couch, you name it and they climb it. I'm having a hard time keeping up with them.

- I am actually looking into child care, trying to figure out what I need. I am a SAHM, and I really do want to raise my own kids, but I'm exhausted, I need some time for myself, and I also need time to run the house, pay the bills, do the shopping, etc.

- Tadpole seems fine with giving up her morning nap, and Turtle doesn't. I'm at a loss about what to do about that. I really need them on a schedule or I don't get anything done.

- I am a bit obsessed with decorating their rooms right now, since they are finally almost ready. They are painted and I think the only thing that's left to do is to finish the closet in Tadpole's room.

- I am thinking of starting baby sign language, even though they're already almost 15 months old. I've been working on the sign for milk. I'm just tired of all the crying and I'm hopeful this will help a bit.

- Both babies are cutting molars. Tadpole has three coming in at once, although it feels like only one is actually cutting through right now.

- I'm so so tired. I should go to bed. After I clean up the kitchen and put away laundry and blah blah blah. Ugh. So tired.

Hope everyone's having a good week.

I'm sorry

2011-09-20T12:09:00.001-07:00

I wrote a post, and blogger ate it, and then wouldn't accept my password and then we had sick kids. And then we traveled from Italy to the US, with one kid still sick. But Italy was on strike and our flight was cancelled, so that took an extra 24 hours, and then there was a storm in Frankfurt, and OMG, it just sucked. Then we got home to a house that was covered in dust and dirt (we're STILL remodeling). The floors were dirty. The furniture was dirty. Any clothes not in a closed-in space were dirty, as were towels and bedding and the kids stuffed animals and the blankets made by their great-grandmother and you get the point. EVERYTHING was dirty, and stuff was piled everywhere, including on and around our bed.

So, I spent the evening we got back and all my free time since cleaning and doing about a million loads of laundry, and the kids are not very understanding of that, and so I have had no time to write blogs, although I've read a few posts here and there when I could.

Right now they are strewing tupperware all over the kitchen, but they are quickly getting bored of that, so I have to go. I really hope to start reading more soon, and especially writing, but until I get some part time child care or preschool or SOMETHING, I have no free time anymore.

Hope all is well in your part of the world.

Busy little bees

2011-08-25T04:52:00.000-07:00

We went to Switzerland this past weekend. Which was fun! But not really a vacation, as traveling with twins is never a vacation, I've found, unless you have tons of family who want nothing more than to entertain your babies, change their diapers, and feed them in the middle of the night. And also make sure they don't get into trouble in places that aren't baby-proofed.

But anyway, we stayed with a colleague of my husband in Lausanne, and it was lovely, although hot (who knew that it ever gets hot in Switzerland, the land of snowy mountains?). We went for a hike, in which I destroyed my heels by not using hiking boots (smart!). The kids swam in a fountain, got carried up a long steep hike in the Swiss Alps, saw cows with giant Swiss cowbells, ate Swiss cheese, and explored Lausanne. On our last evening, a few hours before we were going to start our 5-hour night-time drive back to Italy, we noticed that Turtle was more tired than usual and lethargic, and then we noticed he was really hot. We gave him medicine, packed everyone into the car, and began our long drive back ... fun! Both babies woke every time we slowed for a toll plaza or traffic. I had to sit in the back and soothe them, so I got very little sleep. Turtle's fever rose and fell for a few days, but seems to have broken now, thank goodness. I also feel a molar coming in, so I'm hoping the two were connected.

Turtle and Tadpole are really big for their age, but growing much more slowly now. Turtle has a decent amount of hair. Sadly, Tadpole doesn't, but what she has indicates that she may be curly. They're both pretty blond, which is weird since hubby and I are quite dark, but apparently he was a blondie when he was a baby, too. I STILL can't really tell what color their eyes are.

They're obviously starting to understand some English and Italian, and they babble a lot. Turtle, when asked in Italian what sound the cow makes, will say "booooooooo", and if he sees or hears a dog he says "bow bow". They both wave when they hear someone say "ciao". Tadpole says Mama constantly, but doesn't seem to know what it means.

Tadpole is still quite the athlete. She climbs everything, and runs everywhere. It's hard to keep up with her. Turtle, on the other hand, is slower, studies everything, and is sweet. Lately he has quite the temper and is quick to start screaming when he doesn't get what he wants.

I've found in the last few months that feeding children is really frustrating. Since we're sort of on vacation here in Italy, I've been pretty lax about things, and they've eaten a lot of ice cream (at least once per day), juice, cookies, etc. I don't know if that's making them not want to eat their normal meals, but it's been tough. Also, they seem to change their minds almost daily about what they like and don't like. For a few weeks, they ate tomatoes like they were going out of style - yesterday, tomatoes were disgusting. It's frustrating and hard to deal with, and requires a lot of patience, which is sometimes in short supply.

Sleep and napping has been rough, too. Tadpole is back to getting up 2-3 times per night if not more. They go to bed quite late here, like all the babies we've seen - 10:30 pm. This morning they slept until almost 9, but sometimes they're up at 7 or 7:30, and naptime has been all over the place. I think they're sort of transitioning to one nap, but not at the same rate, and keeping them synchronized, especially out of their home environment, has been impossible.

I have a lot of stuff in mind for when we get home - we're going to start a toddler play-group at the local nursery school, once a week. I also want to do diaper daredevils, which is a tumbling/gymnastics class. In addition, I plan to join a gym that has a pool, a Master's swim team, and two hours of free day care. I'm hoping once I get their naps straightened out that we can go in the mornings so I can swim. It's something I'm REALLY looking forward to.

This weekend, we leave for the east coast of Italy to stay with my brother-in-law, his girlfriend, and their collective 5 kids at a sort of campground (they have cabins). I'm both looking forward to it (fun with cousins, hopefully beautiful views, nice swimming) and dreading it (sleeping in a cabin with two babies, cooking all our own meals, 5-6 hour drive each way). Either way, I'm sure we'll have a good time and we can leave when we can't take any more.

How're y'alls summers going?

No pics (sorry!) but job advice needed

2011-08-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

I was planning to post pics, but my husband just told me that he moved the pictures off the SD card onto his computer and will get me copies ... sometime. Who knows when? I really wanted to post pictures of the kids here, but alas, they are not available to me. Sigh.

Moving on ...

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life when Tadpole and Turtle start school. How does one go through that process when one isn't strongly drawn to any particular field? Or how does one recognize that one is drawn to a particular field when it's not terribly obvious? Help!

When I was younger, I always wanted to teach. Well, I cycled through a bunch of different career ideas, both realistic and not, but teaching was usually always on the list. And then ... I don't know what happened. Actually, I remember a few things that happened, one of which was a summer teaching internship program into which I was accepted and which my mother begged me not to go to because my father was ill. She basically tried to put my life on hold for about 8 years because my father was not well and it might be my last Christmas/birthday/summer with him (etc.), although in reality it was because she didn't want me to leave her. (Now she's claiming that SHE'S not well and doing the same thing - nice!) Anyway, I agreed to stay home and work concessions in a movie theater instead of having a career-building internship, and I often wonder, what if?

In the meantime, I got a law degree, but could not find a decent job and bounced around from one meaningless job to another, which after a couple years paid decently well but found me dying inside from shuffling papers in a cubicle to support over-regulated government programs in which I did not really believe. (BTW, there is no underlying political message here, and I'm quite surprised I wrote that last sentence, but there you have it.)

So anyway, now my kids are two years away from preschool, and I know that if I want to make a major change in my career, the time to start is now. I'm looking into a teaching credential/master's program in the town where I live, and I can apply this fall for the following year, which means I'd start teaching the year the kids go to school. I used to think I wanted to teach high school, but I'm no longer sure. Having young children has really brought out my love for seeing them learn basic things at an early age. I also have to have classroom experience, which I don't have, and I have retake all the exams because I'm sure my scores are too old now.

I don't need to worry too much about income because my husband has things covered, so pay is not a huge issue for me, but job availability in general might be. My town is small and from what I've heard teaching positions can be difficult to find. I might be willing to commute, but not too far, and there aren't a lot of places that are super close. Also, I'm nervous about the idea of having a classroom full of children. I'm not that experience with handling large groups of kids.

I guess the thing is that I've put a lot of time and energy into things that in the past have not worked out for me (like a law degree), and I've decided in the past (when I was studying for the bar exam for the second time) that I didn't want to go forward with a teaching credential that would take another two years of my life and have nothing to show for it in the end because I wouldn't like teaching. I just want a job that I look forward to going to most of the time, and that doesn't feel like it's crushing my soul.

So ... this goes for those of you who love your jobs, or who switched careers, or who teach. Give me your thoughts, please!

If you love your job, why? Is it the people you work with? The work you do? Did you always know that was the job you wanted?

If you switched careers, why? Did you hate your prior career, or just not find it fulfilling? Or did you realize later on that what you really wanted to do was something else?

If you teach, please tell me your thoughts, the pros and cons. Is it something worth doing in your mid-thirties if you have to start from scratch? What do you love and hate about your job?

Hello from jetlag ... er, Italy

2011-08-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I know, it happens every time. Jetlag. I HATE it. It's 3:30 in the morning here. We have a baby sleeping in our room. We started with Turtle, but we woke him up every time we moved, so now we are sleeping with Tadpole, who unfortunately wakes ME up because she's such a fussy sleeper. And once I am awake in the middle of the night in a time zone 9 hours off, well, good luck getting back to sleep!

The trip here went pretty well, in my opinion. Not quite as good as I had hoped, but much better than the worst I was expecting. Apparently after a month of cold rainy weather, we brought the warm weather with us, as we've had two beautiful days of sunshine and warmth.

The first day here, I went crazy eating delicious food and gelato and wine, and I paid with some terrible stomach-aches, and now I am taking it easy. I've been working on getting the kids back on some sort of routine, but it's been a bit tough with the jetlag. Little kids here stay up much later than I am used to in the US, so the usual routine we had at home will probably not work here. I'm still trying to figure out how we're going to handle it.

Our evenings after dinner are spent at a cool little open-air cafe/bar that is built in the original entrance of the 19th century stone fort that surrounds the (much older) town. The cafe has a jukebox, a big dance area, tables and chairs, ice cream of all sorts, food, drinks, and nice porch-swing-type seating here and there. I'll try to take a picture and post it. The kids of the town spend the evenings playing songs on the jukebox and running around or dancing. Tadpole and Turtle are having a great time chasing the other kids and hanging out with my husband's extensive family, and it's a nice break for us to have lots of free entertainment for the kids.

I'm surrounded by lots of people in really great shape (and a few who aren't) as well as plenty of exercise opportunities and lots of babysitters, so I'm hoping to really get some hiking, biking, and running in my schedule for the next month. Today, my husband's aunt dropped off her 9-year-old daughter with me and my husband's cousin and the kids so she could go on a 2-hour run. How awesome to be surrounded by family and able to do something like that spontaneously! Tonight after Tadpole fell asleep on my shoulder at the cafe, we brought the kids home, put them to bed, and asked my MIL to stay with them while we walked the two minutes back to have another drink before going to bed. The kids are spending so much time with grandparents, great-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and even more extended family, it's a beautiful thing.

Plus I'm really hoping that being immersed in Italian at this point in their lives will help offset the fact that I am an English-speaking stay-at-home-mom in an English-speaking country. I don't know a lot about raising bilingual children, and while it helps that I am almost fluent, I still don't speak to them regularly in Italian in the US, and they don't see their father that many hours per day, plus we speak to each other in English. I think we'll have to change a few things in the future (Italian should probably be our family language rather than English).

Anyway, a lot to think about and a lot to write about, and hopefully I'll start taking some pictures and posting them, as it is a really beautiful green summer here. Cheers!

Off to Italia!

2011-07-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

And so, once again, off we go to Italy to stay with the in-laws, this time for 5 1/2 weeks. I'm a bit nervous of the trip there, and dreading the first couple of days as far as sleep goes. I'm really excited about the first couple of days as far as showing off my little munchkins to all the friends and family. I'm really dreading the trip back, since we leave in the morning, so we really can't expect them to sleep.

I'm quite busy packing for myself and the kids. I've actually already packed all of our clothes in one big suitcase, but I think I need to pare it down a bit, as there are still some things that need to go in there and it's getting pretty full. The kids have so many clothes! I admit, it's partly my fault, but there are a lot of people in their lives that like to buy them clothes. Packing with two 12 1/2-month-olds running around is a challenge.

In the meantime, our house is still deep in the throes of construction, and it changes every day. We now have a front door (yay!), but can't get into the garage directly from the house, so I have to carry everything out the front door into our courtyard (which is just dirt at the moment) and around to the front of the garage and go in that way. I also had to block off the new hallway to the new guest room, as that is completely unfinished and there are nails and dust and all kinds of stuff the kids could get into.

On top of that, while we're in Italy the contractors at our house will be demolishing closets in all the existing bedrooms plus our main storage closet in order to construct a hallway to our addition, which consists of a master bedroom, bathroom, hallway window seat, and laundry room. So in addition to just packing our stuff for the trip, I need to get stuff moved out of four closets or at least boxed up so the contractors can move it easily. I think it's an understatement to say I am overwhelmed. My husband has been doing a lot of day trips for work, including some late nights, but luckily no overnight trips.

In any case, the kids SHOULD be napping (they're not, but I know they're tired, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping they drop off soon) and I should be carting stuff out of closets, unpacking the car, washing dishes, unloading the dishwasher, packing my carry-on, and about a hundred other things. So off I go! Wish me luck!

P.S. I started a post about having more children, and it's been tough to write. And it's getting long. I hope to have it up soon after we get to Italy.

Current schedule

2011-07-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

Our current schedule is going really well, but it's about to get shot to hell in two weeks when we leave for Italy. I figured I'd put it here for posterity and so i can lovingly remember what it was like to have a schedule after we've schlepped two one-year-olds halfway across the world.

This schedule is subject to change without notice, unfortunately.

5:-6:30 - one or both babies wake for a bottle, then sometimes go back to sleep for an hour
6-7:30 - both babies wake up for the day, usually around a half hour apart, but not always. If they get up early enough, I might take them for a run, or otherwise we play
8:30 - breakfast! If Papi's here, he helps with this. They split a jar of Earth's Best fruit and grain combination. I don't think it's enough, actually.
8:45-9:30 - play time! Or sometimes TV time, but lately no one is interested in watching TV
9:30 - nap time. Babies drink 6-8 ounces of formula
10:30-11 - (this can vary a lot) - we're up again! More play time.
12 - (this can vary quite a bit, too) lunch! Usually some variation of what I'm having, but can also include plain pasta or other finger foods.
12:30-2 - more play! Or errands, or go to the park, listen to music, read books, drive Mama crazy
2ish (give or take a half hour) - afternoon nap, after 6-8 ounces of formula
3:30ish - awake! Play time, errands, etc. This is when things can sometimes start breaking down, as Papi doesn't get home until 6, and people start getting cranky.
4:30ish - snack! Usually plain yogurt, or applesauce.
6 - Papi gets home (when he's in town)
6:30 - Dinner! Lately, it's been more normal table food, but we're still doing some baby food
7 - Baths and/or TV, which consists of Italian children's music videos and a few English ones, too.
7:20 - change to jammies and brush teeth
7:30 - down for bed with another bottle - Turtle usually eats 8 ounces, Tadpole anywhere from 2 to 8 ounces, usually around 4 ounces.

And that's it! My boring life, but it is sometimes really wonderful.

Today after lunch we went to the library. Turtle is fascinated by computers and books, and found the toddler computers, where he proceeded to keep bugging the kids playing games and throwing screaming fits each time I tried to drag him away. Tadpole also likes computers, but is equally happy to run around, pull toys off shelves, befriend other people, and basically drive me crazy and make me worry while she smiles sweetly. I'm not sure I can really handle them alone at the library anymore, at least until I know they'll behave a bit better.

Now it is naptime, which means chore time for Mama. Time to clean up the kitchen, sweep, wash the outdoor toys that are getting filthy, and catch up on things!

Rambling

2011-07-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

It's 6am. It's been over a month since I posted. Life has been tough. I've lost pretty much all my day help, and I'm managing just fine, but I don't have extra time for blogging, unless my cat has woken me up at 5:30 and insomnia kicks in. Actually, Turtle woke me up much earlier and I haven't slept much since then. So I am tired. But they'll both be up within the hour and I am having trouble sleeping, so I'm officially giving up and waving the white flag.

My kids turned 1. I have two one-year-olds! I wish I'd had time to write. I wanted to write a letter to them, too, and I didn't. They are wonderful, sometimes terrible, adorable little creatures, running around, playing with toys, getting into everything, eating new things (Tadpole) or not (Turtle), throwing temper tantrums, almost sleeping through the night (most nights), starting to say a few hard-to-discern words (Turtle), dancing to the music, climbing in the dishwasher, and putting everything in their mouths. They keep me really busy!

Also, my computer died, and it took me a little while to get a new one. I've just been a little out of touch with the online world for the last few weeks.

We're leaving for Italy for a 5.5-week trip, which I haven't really started preparing for, and we're going in 2 weeks. We'll have two 13-month-olds on a 12-hour flight. I'm actually a little scared.

I have lots of friends having kids, including one friend who had her son, her first child, the day after my kids' first birthday. Another is a friend from work who knew quite a bit about my struggles with infertility (and has gratefully taken a lot of the baby stuff off my hands). I've been buying a lot of shower and baby gifts, and remembering a year ago when it was my turn, and missing it. My husband isn't missing it at all. I have lots of thoughts on having more kid(s), and whether or not I think it's a good idea, which may all be moot anyway since we don't even know if it's a physical possibility. I'd like to write about it. In all honesty, I don't know if I have time.

So, here's to kids (not babies anymore!) turning 1, to summer, to bloggy friends (who i'm still following, even if I have no time for commenting) adopting and getting pregnant, to other bloggy friends whose babies are also growing up, and to friends in real life who are having babies too. Here's to Italy, and rock climbing, and having time to write even if it's time I'd rather be sleeping. Here's to life, and hopefully to more writing in the very near future.

Advice - one-year-old twin activities

2011-06-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

You might want to skip this one if you don't want to read about babies, but I'd still appreciate any ideas I can get.

I've been a single mom these days, and it's exhausting. Both Tadpole and Turtle are walking, and it's hot out, and I thought that would be awesome because we could spend all day outside! Unfortunately I've realized that two walking babies means it's really hard for one adult to keep tabs. The park is really difficult because I can't keep track of which baby is putting what in their mouths, and I can't really let them play on the playground safely because I can't keep them both from falling off. The public pool is definitely out, even with a group of other moms. We're doing swim lessons once a week, and planning to do Diaper Daredevils once a week after the babies turn 1, but until then ...

So my question is - what can I do with walking almost-one-year-old twins, by myself (or with other moms, but no extra adult)?

So far, all I have are:

1. Stay home and play
2. Drive to a playground I've been told about that has a fence and very small play equipment
3. Baby pool in back yard
4. Zoo, but can only do this so often (also it's a 25-minute drive)

The kids are getting bored, and so am I. Help, please!

Advice needed, please!

2011-06-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, I need advice. Badly! Some of it is baby-related and some of it is not. I'll split up the categories in different posts that I'll put up later, because I am lacking in just about every part of my life. Please, please, please, give me what you've got, even if it's not much.

Organization - How do you stay organized?

How do you keep your paperwork, bills, legal documents, etc. organized? My desk is constantly getting cluttered, things get put aside for "later", etc. I TRY to sort out and throw away junk mail before it gets on my desk, and I also try to pay bills really quickly, but there's always more stuff than that. So how to you keep your paperwork organized?

How do you keep your appointments - do you have a day-runner, a desk calendar, a smart phone?

What about chores? I am always forgetting things, like cleaning the pool, finishing the laundry, sweeping, dusting, etc. It seems like there are endless chores and I can never catch up. We're having someone clean every other week, which helps, but there's still a ton to do in the meantime, and I feel like I'm always behind. Do you have some way to make sure everything gets done, and in a reasonable amount of time?

11 months!

2011-06-07T10:53:00.001-07:00

Squeezing in a VERY short post here while the babies stay down for naps (I hope!). They were 11 months old yesterday, but Tadpole got sick and made the day quite busy! Poor little thing, she has terrible digestive problems. I changed her diaper so many times yesterday, and she has bad diaper rash from it, too, and then at dinner she puked up the entire contents of her stomach. Her diapers are leaking, requiring me to do a lot of laundry, and she's not sleeping well, so Mama and Papi are tired, too. I'm looking forward to her getting better, and hoping that Turtle doesn't get sick, too.

In the meantime, we've had weird weather for this time of year, cold and rainy. We haven't been able to get out of the house much, and we're all cranky. Today should be the start of better weather, let's hope it's the start of better health in this house as well!

I WILL write more soon, I hope, as soon as the little guys are feeling better. A brief update - both are walking. Tadpole's walking quite well, Turtle still prefers crawling as a method of getting around quickly. He's a slow, cautious walker. I never really realized that new walkers were so cute, but they are. I am guessing it's a very fleeting stage, though. Tadpole has already improved so much. It's also getting harder to take photos and videos of them, as they instantly focus on the camera and WANT IT RIGHT NOW. Any time I've tried to film them playing or laughing together, it ends up with them both crying because I won't give them the camera. We'll have to work on that.

Hope your week is going well and that you're all in good health!

Life is cuh-razy!

2011-05-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Babies hit 10.5 months recently (two days ago?), and now they're both walking. It's really insane, although I didn't realize that learning to walk would be a months-long process (thank freaking goodness). Luckily right now they are both really slow and end up crawling a lot. I cannot even imagine what life will be like when they are walking reasonably well and/or running.

We had a barbecue on Sunday and invited some of our friends with babies and a few moms from my new mom's group, and it went really well. However, it's the first time we've entertained with them awake since they've become mobile, and it was completely insane. I learned a lot, like why pools NEED to be fenced in when you have young children and how hamburgers are not really an easy barbecue choice because they need buns and condiments and lettuce and tomato and cheese and so on and so forth and while you are slicing and toasting and sticking spoons in and shuttling all that stuff back and forth you can't keep an eye on your kids while they are both heading straight for the pool, and even if you CAN keep an eye on them, it's really hard to grab them both while your husband is manning the grill. I also apparently forgot every lesson I ever learned about run-on sentences.

But Saturday, that was awesome. Really. Since we've decided to start getting babysitters to come after the kids go to bed so we can go out to eat, we've mostly gone to fancy restaurants, because we can't do that sort of thing with the kids. It started getting a little old. We did use to like to go to nice places, but not that often, and interspersed with casual places and sandwich shops. Going to only nice places, over and over again, actually gets a little boring. SO! We decided (and it was ALL MY IDEA) to do what we used to do for fun regularly - we went to the climbing gym, completely wore ourselves out in less than an hour, and then went for dinner at a casual restaurant. And then went home relatively early and went to bed. And it was AWESOME. And that was after an already-fun-filled day of going to the farmer's market with friends and then the public swimming pool.

Maybe I am crazy, but I actually like being sore after working out, and it hasn't happened much lately. So now I've been a little sore for a couple days, and it means that the awesomeness of the date is still with me and it makes me happy. Which is good, since I haven't done anything healthy for myself since then, but I am completely determined that this week, I will go biking and running at least once each. And maybe, just maybe, I'll go climbing again (oh I hope so!).

Here's to a good week for all of us.

Tadpole is walking!!!!! (and some other stuff)

2011-05-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

Tadpole started taking a few steps at a time a couple weeks ago, but has been really wobbly and unbalanced. She could take maybe five steps before crashing or toppling into someone, and she wouldn't let go of the furniture or my legs unless she had a very nearby destination in mind. Yesterday, at IKEA, she just took off, and she's been going ever since. She can't stand up without having something to pull up on, so once she falls, she finishes her journey by crawling. It is SO CUTE to see her walking along, waggling her hands in the air to keep herself balanced. Sometimes she grabs onto Turtle when she starts losing her balance and then they both go down (Turtle doesn't walk, but he pulls up and stands and will let go and balance for a while). The whole domino effect thing is pretty funny.

I'm going to write a post in a day or two about a blog I stumbled across about orphans. I've had a lot of stories pull at my heart lately. I guess I really am a bleeding heart liberal, but I've never understood how stories of orphans and sick children wouldn't make anyone's heart hurt. In any case, there was a post on this blog about a 4-week old Haitian orphan that broke my heart, and I mean that in a stronger way than I've ever meant it before. I've been crying off and on since I read it, and I'm in the process of figuring out how to channel my feelings into something worthwhile. I'll share it all in the next few days, once I've had some time to think about it. In the meantime, I'm trying to stop crying and keep my children in perspective, and remember again how incredibly lucky I am to have them.

Epic failure today

2011-05-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Ate terrible, didn't exercise. I'm just so busy!!!!!

I spent a good part of the day in a town about 30 minutes away, at one of those paint-you-own-ceramics shops, painting decorative tiles to embed in the stucco when we do the exterior of our house. I'll have to remember to post some pics when I pick them up. We also went to IHOP for an American-style breakfast (a one-time treat for my cousin-in-law from Italy), but I did not do a good job of eating well. And then we finished dinner too late to exercise. I really don't like exercising after dinner.

Also, I set up my new bike trainer and tried it out yesterday, and it is louder than expected. We don't have a TV, so I was trying to watch n.etfl.ix on the ip.ad (without additional speakers or headphones) and I couldn't really hear it. So I will have to try again with headphones, I guess.

Between the kids, who take up almost all of my time, cooking, cleaning, watering my vegetable garden, and all the things I have to do to make this house run, I'm just struggling to find exercise time.

Tomorrow should be better. It will keep getting better. And in any case, spending a few hours painting tiles has really made my heart lighter. I'm starting to wonder if I could have a business doing this ...

A few pics to show off my little ones:

New me

2011-05-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

Things around here have been up and down as usual, and I've decided to make some changes, starting tomorrow. Well, I have been setting up for things today, but tomorrow is my official start day. Not because I'm always putting things off (although I do tend to procrastinate), but because I want an official, clean start.

But first ... a few pics of my little ones.

This is Tadpole at the park today, I LOVE this picture. It completely captures Tadpole's happy, outgoing, fearless personality. She was crawling back and forth through this tunnel, and my sister caught this pose in which she looks just happy to be alive:

And this is Turtle, sleeping on our outside swing. This picture is a bit older, partly because my husband came up with some hi-tech scheme for keeping our pictures on a shared drive and then he left for a business trip to Europe (his "European Tour") and now the stupid thing is not working. But anyway, cute sleeping baby picture. This showcases one of Turtle's typical funny behaviors - he often crosses his feet just like that.

So anyway, onto more serious things. I have been really unhealthy lately. Eating terrible, barely exercising. I feel down about myself, and unhappy with how out of shape I am. I've also been unhappy because I actually LIKE running and biking and swimming (and rock climbing) and I never get to do those things anymore.

So I am going to try to make myself accountable, somehow. I have gone running a few times in the last couple weeks, running the loop backwards to switch it up and make it more interesting (which surprisingly helped). It's only 1.8 miles, but I'm hoping to add another mini-loop soon. I go right after the babies go to bed and before we eat dinner. I also just set up an indoor bike trainer on our patio, and will start riding tomorrow night. And I have hand weights and a resistance band. I also have a gym membership that I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever use.

My goal is to do 30 minutes of cardio per day, at least 5 times a week, plus weights at least 3 times a week.

I also want to eat healthier, so I want to journal what I'm eating to keep track. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to see what I can do for the next 5 days. It's not always easy, as I constantly have family from Italy and they want to cook, and I can't exactly dictate exactly what to make (i.e. last night I asked my cousin-in-law to make potatoes, which I was imagining boiled or roasted - she fried them). But I'm going to cut out the coffee drinks, the desserts, the extra sugar, the butter, the fat. I'm going to try really hard, when it is within my power (and recognize that when it's not within my power, it's ok).

And then, when I get this under control, I know I need to do some work mentally and emotionally. I'm sincerely hoping that these steps will help in that direction as well, as I will hopefully feel happier and better about myself.

Wish me luck!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T21:33:00.001-07:00

I was never a fan of Mother's Day, my entire life, way back before I was infertile. I hated it as a child. We always went to some giant Mother's Day extravaganza at a ballroom or country club, sitting on folding chairs at folding tables, getting low-quality food from a buffet, wearing uncomfortable dressed-up clothes, being surrounded by tons of other people doing the same thing. I HATED it.

Then I was older and didn't get along with my mom well. I was expected to make a trip home from college for the entire Mother's Day weekend, while my friends hung out, enjoyed the weather, and sent their mom a card or made a phone call, which their mother's appreciated. Even with the trip I made home for the weekend, it was never enough. If I got a card, my mom expected flowers. If I got flowers, then why didn't I get a card? My mom is like that - she dwells on what I don't do. Anyway.

Then after my Dad died in May (and his birthday was in May, too), we started going to the cemetery for Mother's Day, which is two hours away, then out to lunch and wine-tasting. So even after I became infertile, I didn't really care. Going to the cemetery doesn't feel like Mother's Day. I would buy two bouquets, one for my mom and one for my dad, and that was that.

This year, it didn't feel much different. My husband and I don't really celebrate holidays a lot, but we particularly don't like commercial holidays like Valentine's and Mother's Day. I bought myself a necklace for Mother's Day this year, with my kids' names engraved, but that was it. No other gifts, except a beer glass from my sister (we have a small collection). We went out for "high tea" (which wasn't good at all), and then the best part of the day was taking the kids to the playground. I didn't have high hopes, and it was a pleasant day, and life goes on. I'm happy it was no big deal. (I just wish that for the price, the lunch would have been a bit better).

For those still TTC, I hope that someday soon, you'll be here, too. I hope you'll have your dreams come true, and it will be wonderful. And Mother's Day may be a special day for you, or maybe it will be just like every other day, as it is for me. But either way, I hope every day will be a special day because you'll get to spend it with your little one. For me, Mother's Day is a day to wish that for you and for all the women whose hearts still aren't whole.

Challenges

2011-04-26T09:43:00.001-07:00

I have to say, life with twins is NEVER dull! Boring, sometimes, yes. But dull, definitely not. Separation anxiety has set in with full force, and while it's nice to know your kids need you, it's rough when someone is trying to help so you can just get something done and there is always at least one baby still crying for you. Sometimes it's enough to just sit on the floor while they entertain themselves, but don't even think about walking to the other side of the room to throw something away .... then it's panic!

We are STILL having sleep problems, but we're working on it. As usual, the fact that our house is a complete disaster and the remodel won't be done any time soon is making things much harder. We still don't have a room for Turtle, and he's starting to outgrow sleeping in a pack n play. We currently have another family member staying with us to help while my husband is traveling (he'll be traveling something like 2.5 weeks within the next month), but as soon as she leaves, I think it's time to turn our office/temporary guest room into a second nursery, with the actual crib and his clothes. Hopefully by the time we have any more guests, we'll have another bedroom. Alternatively, if we can get Tadpole to sleep through the night, in theory they could sleep together, the problem is when one of them wakes the other one up, it's all over. We can't let them cry because they keep waking each other up and neither can get back to sleep with the other crying.

Anyway, people constantly talk about how much Tadpole and Turtle do or don't look alike, which is a bit silly, as fraternal twins aren't any different than any other sibling pair (biologically speaking), they just happen to be the same age. There's no reason for them to look more alike than normal siblings. However, sometimes I can't help comparing their different personalities and behaviors and marvel at how different they are. For example:

- Tadpole LOVES her pacifier.
- Turtle also loves Tadpole's pacifier, but can't figure out what he's supposed to do with it once he has stolen it.

* This is sort of a catch-22. I will possibly need to wean Tadpole from the pacifier, but at least it keeps her from putting everything in her mouth like Turtle.

- Tadpole crawls really well, and will probably walk soon because she is fearless.
- Turtle is stronger, sturdier, and more stable than Tadpole, but still doesn't crawl well and is too afraid to try to walk.

- Tadpole eats almost anything, and is at least willing to give anything a try. She's just not too picky.
- Turtle is suspicious of everything, and usually makes an awful face after the first bite, even if he ends up liking it.

- Tadpole is always happy, hyper, and excited. She smiles at everyone, wakes up in a great mood, and has a perpetual twinkle in her eye. She is super busy and into everything.
- Turtle is often cranky, whiny, and difficult. You have to work for a smile, and he often wakes up in a terrible mood. He is studious and generally patient, except with Tadpole.

There's a lot more, but it would take forever to write it all. Suffice to say that we are all doing well, still working on sleeping, but by the way, naptime is going much better! Thank you, white noise machines!

More soon.

9.5 month update

2011-04-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, Tadpole. The smiliest, happiest, most hyper, most fearless baby I've ever seen. I have a feeling she'll someday follow in her parents' footsteps and become a rock climber, but I sometimes worry she may get into something even more extreme. She weighed in a little over 19 pounds at her 9-month appointment this morning.

She is so full of energy and so athletic. While her brother is stronger than she is, and clearly will be physically able to walk soon, I suspect Tadpole will beat him to it because she's not afraid of anything and willing to give everything a try. I LOVE taking her to swimming lessons, she's so enthusiastic and excited. One of her newest things is kneeling, then sitting back on her heels and bouncing up and down, waving her arms with excitement. She's starting to learn to wave hello and good-bye, but I don't think she understands what she's doing yet.

Turtle is a sweet, serious, moody, loving boy. He is very studious - when we show him music videos or clips of "Shaun the Sheep", he just sits and watches and studies everything. He likes to read books. He sits in my lap and listens while I read each page, and when I say "turn the page", he does. He LOVES turning the pages in books, and looks at everything I point out. He has a lot of patience, except with his sister. She annoys the heck out of him. He is obsessed with stealing her pacifier, and if she takes something from him, he gets incredibly frustrated and screams, trying to hit or push her. He weighed in at a little over 20 pounds at the doctor's today.

I taught both Turtle and Tadpole to "gimme five", which is the cutest thing ever. Turtle spontaneously taught himself how to clap a few days ago, and has been doing it randomly ever since. Sometimes we can get him to do it when we want, but otherwise I'm not sure why he decides it's clapping time. He was afraid of swimming for a bit, but is doing much better now.

These babies get into SO MUCH TROUBLE if I don't contain them. We have a gate up to close off our living room from the kitchen, so we can keep them in a safe place, but we often leave it open, especially when we are spending a lot of time in the kitchen and can keep an eye on them. The result is often something like this:

Uh oh, Mama caught us climbing into the dishwasher. What do we do now?

Help put away the dishes of course! Seriously, though, they LOVE the dishwasher, I don't know why. Maybe because it's not always open, so when it is, it's a real treat? This was the first time they ever actually climbed up on it, though. Whenever I see them playing here, I immediately take out the silverware holder, so don't worry, there aren't any sharp knives or forks in there!

Two sayings I hate

2011-04-13T22:00:00.001-07:00

1. "After they're born, sometimes you'll wish they were back inside you."

Nope. Definitely not. For many reasons, but mostly because the last month or two of pregnancy was really quite miserable. I was so swollen and stiff. In the morning when I woke up, I couldn't move my fingers for a good ten or fifteen minutes, and only then by gradually and painfully working my way back to mobility. I couldn't write. I could barely type. My feet were humongous and I had no ankles. I barely fit into my husband's shoes. My back hurt, my hips hurt. I had heartburn. I couldn't sleep.

By the way, two years of infertility does NOT deprive me of my right to complain about the last few months of twin pregnancy. Especially to people like my husband, who got the benefits of having his dreams of having children realized without any of the physical uncomfortableness (unless you count having to sleep in the same bed with me and my giant body pillow).

Also, the first trimester wasn't all that great, what with the nausea and vomiting, and the second trimester was characterized by terrible hip pain, although it probably wasn't as bad as the first or the third. I DO think that pregnancy is totally worth it in the end, and I would do it all over again if I had to. And it wasn't all THAT bad. But being not pregnant is still better.

So yeah. I got SO SICK of people saying that to me. Because NO I DO NOT WISH THEY WERE BACK INSIDE, no matter how hard things get. I was quite happy to be pregnant and now I'm quite happy that it's over.

2. "Enjoy them, it goes by so fast." Or the related but actually different "they grow up so fast".

The time does not actually go by fast. I think that anything when viewed in retrospect seems like it goes by fast, except possibly spending a significant amount of time in solitary confinement. But to me, my whole life seems to have gone by pretty quickly, including the time before the last nine months.

I loved college. It seems like it went by so fast. I hated law school. It also seems like it went by so fast. So I don't really think that there's anything special about parenthood that makes life go faster. And I particularly don't like this statement because it creates a lot of pressure, which for me sort of ruins the moment. I don't want to feel like I HAVE to enjoy this moment all the time, because inevitably I get worried that I'm NOT enjoying it enough, and I'm squandering my childrens' childhood. And I HATE that. I just want to relax (ha) and enjoy it. And people say that stupid statement ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It drives me nuts!!!

The other similar statement is that "they grow up so fast", and this one is actually true. In nine months, they have gone from completely helpless little creatures who could wave their arms and legs around, drink milk, cry, and poop, to little miniature people who smile, laugh, "talk", sit up, roll, crawl, fight, eat "real" food, stand up, play with toys, bite, cry with real tears, splash, and interact with other people and the world around them. That's a LOT of change that happened in nine months, so yes, this is true.

Still, I hate it for exactly the same reason. I don't want the pressure of having to enjoy it, and worrying that maybe, just maybe, I'm not enjoying it enough. So people! (Not you, blog readers, but everyone else). STOP TELLING ME THIS, OK?!

~

Whew, thanks for letting me get that out of my system.

What do people regularly say to you that you hate? Besides "just relax" or "just adopt" or "he/she/they must have used fertility treatments".

Sad

2011-04-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write for so long, about so many things. The kids are growing up so fast, they hit nine months a few days ago. But I've been in a funk, again. I don't know why. I was going to write about it, to try to figure it out, and then ...

I heard from my sister this morning. A friend of hers, someone who I knew who I would call an acquaintance (more of a friend of a friend), has died. He committed suicide. I don't know any of the details, but I had heard over a long time that he was unhappy, although you would never know it if you met him. He was one of the happiest people I knew, at least on the outside. I remember meeting him for the first time at the climbing gym, years ago. And I remember seeing him for the last time at a party last spring/early summer when I was very pregnant, and my feet were swollen up like huge balloons. And I know I saw him at least a few times in between, at various get-togethers with mutual friends.

For some reason, we never exchanged contact information, I never asked for his email or phone number, and I never friended him on Facebook. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to, it was just a matter of not ever thinking of it. I've always felt a bit awkward with friends of friends, not wanting to intrude on their friendship or overstep my bounds.

One of the things I've felt sad about recently is being very lonely. My husband is busier than ever at work, and now traveling all the time, too. He has even less free time, and of course he needs to spend it with the kids when he is around. My friends are slowly moving away, or moving on. I have only a few friends with kids, and most don't live too close. Being on my own with twins, I've had a hard time making friends in my mom's group, and with my husband traveling or busy in the evenings, I've had to miss many social opportunities because there's no one to stay home and watch the kids.

This tragedy is making me think. I would like to just be introspective and cry, and I can't because today is the last day my in-laws are here and we're hosting a big dinner party we've been planning for weeks, and even if none of that were happening, I have two clingy little babies who need me. But still. I'm thinking about life. This isn't the first time this has happened in my life. My best friend's stepbrother, who was actually almost exactly my age (one day older) and who I knew quite well because I spent so much time at their house, committed suicide when we were in high school.

In both these cases, I don't think that I would have made a huge difference in the person's life and in their choice to end their life. But I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. Probably they have much bigger problems, and having an old acquaintance say hi isn't enough to solve them. But I know when I've been really sad and felt totally friendless, having someone unexpected show that they care makes a lot of difference.

I spend a lot of time lamenting that I have few friends, and yet I don't do a lot to BE a friend. In some ways, I've forgotten how. And I'm not really able to, right now. I can't stop in and visit or help someone in need, not with two babies who create chaos and need me constantly. I can't offer an ear to listen, or a quiet sanctuary to just hang out, not with two babies trying to climb me to get the phone or fighting with each other and needing me to separate/console/hug/play. I can't really figure out how to balance things. I don't even have any time for ME, let alone for others. And I'm realizing that not only do I feel that loss, probably my friends and acquaintances do, too.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am so sad by what has happened. And I know it's not about me, not at all. I'm sad I didn't get to know this person better, and now I'll never have the chance. I'm sad for his family and all his friends, those who were actually close to him. I know that I have learned something, though how I can apply it to my life, I don't know. I'm just so sorry that this had to happen in order for me to learn it.

To sleep, perchance to dream

2011-04-05T07:13:00.001-07:00

Yeah. I'm tired. Babies are nine months old tomorrow, and we are having sleep regression issues. I think we have a lot of reasons for it, but it's still frustrating. Here are some points about it:

1. Turtle has been sleeping through the night pretty regularly, but we've been swaddling him pretty much since birth. My hubby thought if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But I could tell he didn't like being swaddled and you can't do it forever. He'll be walking soon. And he was getting his arms out every night, so effectively he wasn't really swaddled anyway. So we've stopped swaddling him.

2. My husband is traveling a lot, so we have a constant rotation of helpers, all of whom do something different. Some don't let either baby cry at all. Some pick them up when they cry (we've never done this, we just try to feed them or comfort them in their cribs). My in-laws are now bringing Tadpole to bed with them. And yes, we DO tell them how to handle the babies, but it always starts evolving differently with different people.

3. The regression started with Tadpole waking up at 5am every morning. My husband started giving her a few ounces to get her back to sleep, then Turtle would get up at 6:30 and I'd get up for the day. Hubby kept insisting he didn't mind getting up for a few minutes at 5. Then Tadpole started getting up one other time during the night, usually any time between 11pm and 3am. Now sometimes it's three times. I try to let her have only a few sucks on the bottle and then give her a pacifier, and it works. So I don't think she's hungry. But she keeps doing it, night after night.

4. Sometimes one of them will wake up and cry for over an hour for no reason. I'll try to calm them, feed them, give them a pacifier, and eventually pick them up and rock them, and they just scream through all of it. It's very frustrating. Eventually I turn on the light, undress them, and look for some physical reason, and I never find anything. Could this be night terrors?

5. The babies napping habits are terrible, partly made worse by our constantly changing living situation (traveling husband, various visitors and guests, loud construction, etc.). When I have a stretch of time alone, I get them on a fairly regular nap schedule at 9:30 and around 2ish, but they traditionally have take short naps - 30-45 minutes, or sometimes an hour or a bit more when I'm lucky. They often nap in the stroller or car instead of in their cribs. Even when I have them sleeping regularly at home, the construction workers wake them up often.

6. We don't have a bedroom for Turtle. He goes to sleep in a pack-n-play in our room, then we move him when we go to bed - to the office when we don't have guests, and to the living room when we do. This can be problematic for many reasons - the cat wakes him up, if Tadpole gets up first, she can't go play in the living room, etc. We won't have a bedroom for him for several months, probably.

Last night went like this:

7:30pm - babies go to bed, obviously tired. (They got up at 5am yesterday morning).

10pm - I go to bed.

10:15 - Turtle wakes up screaming. I try to calm him, and eventually pick him up and feed him (my MIL put him to bed and he only drank half his bottle, so I knew he was probably hungry).

12 - Tadpole is up. I go give her an ounce or so, and then her pacifier, and she goes back to sleep.

3 - Tadpole's up again. I hear one of my in-laws go, so I don't know what they did.

5 - Tadpole's up again. Ditto.

5:15 - Turtle is up. I try to calm him and comfort him by putting my hands on him and patting him, but nothing works. I let him cry, and he goes back to sleep on his own after about 5-10 minutes. (He did this yesterday, and when I tried to rock him, he woke up even more, so I knew that wouldn't work).

6:15 - Tadpole starts talking in her crib. FIL goes and brings her to bed with them. She keeps talking, so I know there's no way she's going back to sleep.

6:30 - Turtle wakes up screaming. The night is over.

It's ok with my in-laws here - handling this many wake-ups with three people is ok. It's not TOO bad when my husband is here, but it's not great, and he's not going to be here much in the next month. I really just want them to sleep, rather than constantly worrying about who's going to help me. I want a plan for when my in-laws leave that doesn't involve rocking and feeding and crying five times per night.

In general, I feel help is a double-edged sword. It's AWESOME to have people around to play with the babies, get up a few times at night, and let me have some free time and some sanity. The problem is, the babies and I all get used to having extra people around who have nothing else to do but play with them. They don't keep their normal schedules and routines. My helpers tend not to respect the rules and limits my husband and I have worked out. They spoil the babies, give them whatever they want, don't put them to nap at the right times, etc. It's a lot of work keeping on top of multiple people and making sure everyone is doing everything right. I let a lot of things slide, and it comes back to bite me in the arse every time.

So here are my questions:

1. What would you do with the slowly regressing night-time habits we're developing?

2. How do you handle help? Do you boss your friends and family around, or give them leeway to do things their way? Do you chastise them when they don't listen to you, or just give thanks that someone is here to help at all?

3. Do you think 7:30 is too late of a bed-time? Too early?

Thanks for any help!

Picky eater

2011-03-23T08:56:00.001-07:00

Turtle started out as a very cautious eater. While Tadpole followed her usual "why the hell not?!" approach to eating, Turtle would make a face as if to say "what IS this crap you're putting in my mouth?"

Then he decided he loved food, and he munched down everything we gave him. There was nothing he didn't like, and it was fun to make food for him and see if he liked it, which he usually did (after his first few suspicious bites).

Then he regressed. He started making much worse faces and gagging (more like "If you continue to feed me this disgusting stuff, I will probably die"). He started arching his back and throwing his head back and whining and crying and being just plain miserable. He started refusing to eat.

We discovered that he wouldn't do that with sweet foods - fruit, fruit-flavored yogurt, and sweet potatoes. So I started making sweet potatoes and gradually mixing other foods back in. When he wouldn't eat, I'd get desperate and open a baby food jar of fruit. He started recognizing the "pop!" of the jar and would get excited.

Last night, he refused to eat the sweet potato, carrot, and leek puree that I made. In a stroke of genius (which may prove to not be so genius in the end), I put it in a baby food jar. He ate it all up!

Which just goes to show you ... something. I'm not sure what. Babies are clever and stubborn creatures, and you have to be even more clever to outsmart them sometimes.

8.5 months

2011-03-22T13:59:00.001-07:00

Turtle and Tadpole just turned 8.5 months old! I am packing up their 6-month clothes, many of which haven't fit Turtle in a long time. He is a big guy.

Things around here are settling down these days, it's nice to have some breathing time. Actually, I have a babysitter all week, which is awesome! I also have a huge to-do list (which, strangely enough, does not include blogging). I should be doing the stuff on the to-do list. But every time I get some really free time, I go wild with the possibilities!

While my own life is settling down, it seems like the lives of everyone around me are getting crazier. Including my husband, who is always out at work dinners, or traveling, or busy with something work-related. That's the part that's been a little tough.

Turtle and Tadpole are getting more and more fun every day. People often tell me that it gets better, and it really does. I think it started getting better around 6 months, when they started sitting up. That was great. Turtle would sit there and play with toys. Tadpole starting crawling first, so she had a lot of fun and started getting into everything. No more laptops sitting on the living room floor, Papi!

Sitting up turned into crawling (or vice versa for Tadpole), and playing with more complicated toys, and eventually pulling themselves up on furniture and learning to walk while holding onto our fingers. They're much more self-sufficient now, at least at times. Ironically (although evolutionarily it's a good thing) around the time they become capable of being more independent, they also started becoming more attached. They became afraid of strangers, and they started getting really excited to see us in the morning, after naps, or when we enter a room. It's the sweetest thing ever, if occasionally a little frustrating because we're trying to get something done.

The last two months have been really a major change in their lives and as a result in ours, and I can't say how thankful I am that it really does get better!

First swim class!

2011-03-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still here! Crazy busy, but the babies are finally getting a bit better about entertaining themselves from time to time, so I'm catching up on my to-do list and trying to write more often.

To answer Kate's question about CPS, nothing has happened. We haven't heard from anyone at CPS or the police department. I took Tadpole for her follow-up with the orthodpedist, who asked me if they ever did the full-body bone scan (or something like that - to check for evidence of other broken bones? I don't know), and I said that no one had ever mentioned anything like that before. He said he thought it was ridiculous and told them so. And that is that. I hope.

On Wednesday, Turtle and Tadpole had their first swim lesson. At our swim school, babies can start at 5 months. I was a little skeptical of that, but I found out another baby in our mom's group goes and his mom said they both love it, so we went in for a trial class. And it was awesome! I couldn't imagine how we'd spend 30 minutes with two babies who not only can't swim but can't really understand what the hell we're doing or why, but for the most part they had a great time.

Parents get into the water with the babies, so my husband and I both have to be there. We played a few games like throwing bath toys into a floating basket (ours were the youngest and didn't really get it). We sang a bunch of songs with lyrics that involved jumping up and down, spinning around in a circle, kicking, splashing, and so on, and they seemed to really enjoy all of that. We floated them on their backs and ducked them under the water - Turtle didn't care for either of those activities too much, and spent the rest of the class with a vise grip on me, while Tadpole had a fantastic time. We also did a few safety things - sat them on the side of the pool and told them to wait, then told them to come in and pulled them in. Tadpole didn't want to wait! Turtle was too busy chewing on a rubber duck to notice. Last, everyone held a big floating foam board and the babies took turns crawling or walking across it into the water and the arms of a waiting parent - that was really fun!

So a great time was had by all, except possibly Turtle (but I think he had fun). So if you are wondering of an activity to do with your little one, I highly recommend swimming if there are lessons near you.

Schedules

2011-03-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to write an 8-month post. I've been so super-busy, and haven't had help with the babies recently, which is a curse and a blessing together. They're so wonderful and funny and sweet and adorable and exhausting and busy and cranky and so on. I thought I'd write a bit about our daily schedule, as much as we have one.

6:30 am - babies get up, give or take 15 minutes. Turtle used to always get up first, but this week Tadpole has been up first. Whoever gets up first has a little extra cuddle time with Mama. When they are both up, they get their diapers changed and they eat anywhere from 3 to 6 ounces.

6:45-8 am - play time. They have tons of toys, and now they like to walk around holding onto our fingers. They also like their leapfrog musical table, although I am still coveting a play table I saw at a friend's house, which was older and less electronic. A recent favorite game was emptying the sock basket one pair at a time. We read board books (they're gradually getting better and being patient with reading), do a simple wood puzzle (well, they UNdo it), and play with their giant basket of toys.

8am - Papi gets up! We all go in and climb on the bed and wake him up. The babies get over-excited and it's not the most relaxing wake up for Papi. We play and chat in bed for 15 minutes, then move back out to the living room while Papi gets dressed.

8:30 - breakfast. We give the kids baby yogurt every morning - more of a habit than anything else.

9-9:15 - go down for a nap. This lasts from 20 minutes to over an hour, depending on how lucky I am. I use white noise machines since our house is under construction and there is often pounding, drilling, sawing, etc. going on. Poor little guys. I usually have to let Turtle cry it out, as no amount of rocking will get him to sleep. Tadpole needs to be rocked to sleep because she won't go to sleep on her own.

10ish - Both babies are usually up. I change their diapers and get them dressed for the day. This is the fluid part of the day. Sometimes we have plans, such as a mom's group or playdate. When it's nice, we might go for a walk. Or we run errands. Or get ready to go out for lunch. Or Grandma arrives to spend the day. Or we go to Papi's office for pizza on Fridays. Getting ready to get out of the house often takes until 11.

The babies usually nap once or twice starting around 1pm, depending on if we're out and about, or stuck at home. Sometimes I have to put them in their carseats and rock them to sleep because they won't fall asleep in their cribs. Nap time is still a major struggle at our house. The afternoon times are completely random, and they don't always nap together. When I'm at home, I try to synchronize things. Then when they're awake, we play, practice walking around the house, go for walks, or run errands.

The routine resumes again around 6pm.

6-6:20pm - Papi arrives from work, and the babies get really excited. It's very sweet. The one major drawback of staying home all day with them is that they never get THAT excited to see me.

6:30pm - baby dinner time. We eat a variety of things, either a homemade vegetable puree, or if I haven't had time to make something, we eat jarred baby food. Sometimes we mix it up with some fruit or fruit yogurt for dessert. Turtle is on a bit of a strike right now and will only eat sweet foods. I'm attempting to mix other veggies with sweet potato just to get him to eat.

6:45pm - watch music videos on you..tube. Yes, seriously. We watch a combination of Italian songs with animated videos, the Lion Sleeps Tonight video with the hippo (know what I'm talking about?), some Sesame Street music videos (our favorites are Feist and Jason Mraz), and the Gummy Bear techno song.

7ish pm - if it's a bath night, we usually start baths at this point. If it's not a bath night, we watch a few more videos

7:20pm - start getting ready for bed. Put on night-time diapers, a butt-load (literally) of diaper cream, pajamas, and sleep sacks. Babies get fluoride drops for their teeth.

7:30 pm - we take the babies to their rooms, feed them, and put them in bed. On good nights, they go right to sleep. On ok nights, they cry for less than 10 minutes and fall asleep. On the occasional bad night, they cry and cry, and we try to feed them, soothe them, whatever. They of course always eventually fall asleep, but those bad nights are rough.

They do sometimes sleep through until 6:30, but Tadpole usually wakes up once between 4 and 5:30, and either of them occasionally wake up once anytime between 10 and 3. I could do a whole post on sleep ... maybe I will. Because it's rough, even when it gets better.

And that is my life right now. It's not very exciting, but I'm happy!

Pictures!

2011-03-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Quick post - babies are sleeping. First day in a long time without a family member from Italy in the house, and I had to let them cry a bit to fall asleep for their naps, since they're so used to always having someone around to rock them to sleep, but I'm really proud of myself for getting them both down (knock on wood!!!! Stay asleep please, babies!).

They're almost eight months old! It's hard to believe. Stay tuned for an eight-month post.

I tried to get them into a pre-school part time, and they are already full for next year, with one person on the waiting list. I'm starting to try to come up with other alternatives, although my in-laws will be here in April, probably, and then we'll be going to Italy this summer (hopefully), so it might be best to come up with options starting in the fall. In any case, they are still little and they are actually pretty manageable, it's just that there are a lot of things that I need to do that I can't get done.

But that's boring! Let's see a few pictures!

Tadpole and Turtle finding new ways to use the stroller:

Turtle watching the construction workers out the window of our almost-finished remodeled kitchen:

Tadpole hanging out in the snow, sporting her new shades, and acting like a mob boss (notice the potato chips AND the pacifier are both upside-down):

Approaching seven months

2011-02-02T21:33:00.001-08:00

We're sick. It sucks. Turtle got it first, along with L's cousin who's here from Italy to help us for a month. Turtle has had a fever as high as 103 (underarm), and his nose is running like crazy. He also has a cough. Yesterday was the most pathetic I've ever seen him, just laying in the arms of whoever wanted to hold him at that moment and being really cuddly. The cuddly thing is sort of nice. Speaking as the mom of two babies who don't normally cuddle.

Tadpole had a high fever today, and her sickness is a bit different. She has the same runny nose, but she's hoarse and is sneezing a lot (so is Mama). While she's more cuddly than usual, she's still pretty active and independent. She's a little fireball.

Overall, we're reaching an exciting time. Tadpole's been crawling (!) for a couple weeks now, although it's not a proper crawl, just a military crawl. Still, she gets around, and fast! It's a little scary, since the house is a bit of a shambles. Turtle started sitting up around the same time that Tadpole started crawling. It's funny to see the difference in their personalities. Turtle will sit up with a bunch of toys and play with them quietly, examining them and turning them over and over, with his head tilted to the side. Sometimes he cries and holds out his arms to be picked up. Occasionally he falls over, and then he cries for someone to come and set him back up or pick him up. He hasn't even tried to crawl.

Tadpole on the other hand was rolling all over the place until she got the hang of crawling so she could give that stupid rolling thing a rest. Crawling is a better way to get around! She rolled under the futon, to the back door, out of her carseat, and into a lot of trouble in general. Then she started crawling and I can't leave her alone for even a second now. She is into EVERYTHING. She rarely cries, even when she bumps her head. She steals Turtle's toys. We had to put a bumper in her crib, stat, so she wouldn't bash her head against the rails. She probably travels over every square inch of her crib five times during the night. I still think it's funny that my MIL thought she should have sheets, blankets, and a pillow!

Turtle has two teeth and more coming in. It's part of why he's so miserable now. Tadpole is finally getting teeth. She's not as miserable as Turtle.

Turtle rolled himself up inside a blanket a little while ago. Tadpole had fun inside a laundry basket. We took them up to the mountains for the first time this last weekend (which is most likely where the sickness came from). We broke out the jogging stroller last week, but now we can't leave the house with these little sickies.

We're also sleep training, with mixed success. This sickness may just set everything back. Which sucks.

I wanted to catch up to where I was, chronologically with the babes. Hope to get back on track soon. And post some photos.

Unbelievable

2011-01-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

I honestly can't believe that so many things can go wrong with breastfeeding, as they did for me, and now something else!!!!

I don't think I ever mentioned that I gave up breastfeeding and pumping back in September. My husband and I reached an agreement that as the primary caretaker of two babies with very little help or support, breastfeeding was just not going to be possible and was already causing more trouble than it was worth. It sounds simple when I say that, but it actually took days of arguing, crying, fighting, pumping, not pumping, trying to breastfeed, babies screaming, etc., before I grudgingly agreed to give it up.

In retrospect, I have no idea why I didn't just scale it WAY back and keep pumping a couple times a day to maintain some supply so I could try to ramp it up again later if/when things got less crazy. Partly because my husband was convinced it was an all-or-nothing issue and I believed him. Partly because he thought my breastmilk was causing the babies' fussiness and I believed him again. I wish I hadn't. I wish I just maintained the possibility of breastfeeding at some point. But it doesn't matter now.

I gradually stopped breastfeeding, and because of my husband's belief that my milk was causing the babies' fussiness, I meticulously bagged and labeled every ounce and stored it in our deep freezer until I was no longer producing. I had something like 300-400 ounces (maybe more), which isn't a lot, but I hoped to give it to my babies at some point in the future.

Later in the fall, we started giving the babies one bottle of breastmilk every night with rice cereal mixed in, and every morning I found several ounces sitting on the kitchen counter from my husband's shift with the babies. He said that the rice cereal would get too thick at the bottom of the bottle and the babies couldn't drink it. I was thawing 8-10 ounces of milk per day and throwing away 2-3 ounces. It was breaking my heart. So we stopped, and I decided to wait until we got back from Italy and then I'd start giving them one bottle per day again.

Three days ago, I discovered that while we were gone, the contractors working on our house rewired the living room and in the process disconnected the sunroom where the freezer lives. Since we'll eventually demolish the sunroom, they didn't bother to hook the electricity back up in there. Everything in the freezer was thawed and had to be thrown away, including all of my milk.

It seems a bit like the final straw. Clearly the universe didn't want me to feed my babies breastmilk. I'm just really sad it all ended this way.

Coming up next - a few happy posts, I hope. Plus notes on long-distance air travel with babies. Maybe a post on how our six-month appointment will go today with the doctor who turned us in to CPS. The possibilities are endless!

Craziness

2011-01-08T05:22:00.000-08:00

Back in November, our lives took a crazy turn that really leaves me wondering in retrospect how I made it through everything, but here I am. Now I can breathe and finally put this down on paper.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly when it started, but I unfortunately can only narrow it down to a span of a few days (but let's say the first day I'm sure of is the Wednesday a week before Thanksgiving). Tadpole, our sweet, smiley, happy, "easy" baby started being cranky. After a while (hours, days, who knows?) we noticed that she wasn't just cranky, she was really hysterical. She would calm down when I'd cradle her, and then fall asleep, but when she was awake she was inconsolable. We couldn't see anything obviously wrong, but after several days of this, we finally called the advice nurse. At this point it was the weekend, and the nurse thought it was worth a trip to the doctor during the week.

When Monday came, off to the doctor we went. He checked her out (although didn't undress her, which I thought was strange). He ruled out an ear infection, and chalked it up to either growing pains or teething. Then he sent us home.

On Wednesday morning, the day before Thanksgiving, we noticed that Tadpole wasn't putting her left foot down when we'd hold her up and let her feet touch the ground. If we tried to lean her in that direction, she'd pull her foot up even higher. When she was in her "rainforest jumperoo", she'd only push with her right foot, and if we tried to put pressure on the bottom of her left foot, she'd pull it away. We thought it was strange, but didn't know what else to think of it.

By Thanksgiving morning, she was still favoring her left leg and we started wondering if there was something wrong, and if it could possibly be related to the inconsolable wailing. Another call to the advice nurse - she told us that it sounded like something could be going on, but it wasn't an emergency and we should wait until Friday to go to urgent care. So we waited, but all day we kept noticing her favoring her left leg. Since there was nothing visibly wrong, we started worrying that there might be some neurological problem, and I started to quietly freak out a bit.

Friday morning, we spent hours at urgent care seeing the doctor on call (not a pediatrician). He mentioned bone cancer and joint infections, and then sent us for hip x-rays - let me tell you, getting hip x-rays of a 4-month-old baby is really sad. The x-rays checked out ok, so he made a follow-up with the on-call pediatrician for Saturday. Friday evening, I remembered that a friend's step-dad was a pediatrician, so we went to their house get another opinion - he also thought Tadpole seemed ok.

Saturday morning, we went back to the hospital for our on-call appointment - the pediatrician also had no idea what could be wrong, but my husband asked if we could x-ray her whole leg. Over an hour later and after many trips back and forth down the hospital corridors with a semi-naked baby (due to major incompetence at the x-ray lab), we had our x-rays, and the pediatrician thought everything was fine and sent us home.

Two hours later, I received a call from the doctor's office - the x-rays had been read by the radiologist, who determined that Tadpole had a fracture in BOTH her tibia and fibula, just above her ankle. We had to come back in for a splint, but she assured us that it was already healing well, and Tadpole would have no trouble crawling or walking. After thoughts of cancer, neurological disorders, and bone infections, we were incredibly relieved to have found what seemed like a minor problem that was already healing. There was nothing wrong with our beautiful baby! Our hearts were light as we let everyone involved know the result, although we still had no idea at all how the fractures could have happened.

Monday morning, my pediatrician called me. It turns out, my friend's step-dad called him and urged him to report us to Child Protective Services! I cried for an hour before I was able to calm down enough to call my husband to tell him. The next day he called back to tell us he had made his decision and felt obligated to report us. I cried again. I cried myself to sleep for several days. I imagined the county coming to take our children away from us. No one could tell us what would happen, except that someone would contact us "very soon". It took a week for them to contact us, and I lived in constant fear and anxiety, wondering when the axe would fall and what would happen.

In the end, a social worker and police officer came to our house on a surprise visit and luckily they picked a good day. The house was relatively clean, the babies were dressed in their cute Christmas outfits, and Tadpole was in a happy smiley mood (although they pointed out the birthmark on her head and asked if it was an injury, sheesh). They talked to me for a while, and asked to see where the kids sleep, and said they didn't see any problems (whew). No one followed up with us before we left for Italy, so I'm still nervous about what will happen when we get back.

At that point in my path to motherhood, I had already been feeling a major lack of self-confidence, and nothing had gone the way I expected, starting from pre-eclampsia, the induction, the entire labor and delivery process, and my failure to continue breastfeeding. I knew I was lucky to have two beautiful babies, but it seemed that everything was spinning out of control, and the constant comments and "advice" from friends, family, and strangers really chipped away at my self-confidence. To have everything culminate in my sweet 4-month-old having a broken leg and us being reported to CPS - well, I'm not sure I've quite recovered from any of it.

After all this, the daily isolation and mental strain of having two little babies, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week without a break is really starting to wear me down. I question myself and doubt everything I do. When I'm not with them, I miss them. When I'm with them, I feel anxious about how I'm going to get through the day. I sorely feel the lack of a support system, and I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of the house with two babies that are more active every day. I love them ... and that's why I've decided to start looking into getting some help and advice from a professional, as soon as we get home from Italy. I don't know if I have postpartum depression, but I have so much anxiety and depression that I think it's better to get things checked out.

So - we are in a much better place right now, but the events of the last few months still remain with me and I wanted to get it down. The next posts should be much better! Happy 2011, everyone!

First tooth!

2011-01-08T01:57:00.000-08:00

Turtle cut his first tooth today! We've seen it lurking under his gum for more than a week now, and today's the first day we can feel it's sharp little edge. He's not a big fan of letting people see it, although everyone's excited about it.

I hope this means he'll start sleeping slightly better, but I doubt it, since its little buddy tooth looks like it's coming in, too.

Crazy story in a post coming up soon ... as soon as I get a chance to write it.

Italy

2010-12-26T18:13:00.001-08:00

It has been months. I'm sorry. I've been busy. And tired, and stressed, and now we're in Italy! Yay!

Actually, things aren't going well here, mostly because of sleep issues. Have you ever dealt with 9 hours of jetlag? When you already have issues with insomnia? Our babies, who are now 5.5 months, adjusted after a few days. Unfortunately, we've been here a week and Mama still hasn't adjusted. I think the problem is that when you can't sleep a few nights straight through on the new schedule, your body just things you're napping. So I wake up to feed a baby, and I don't get back to sleep because hey! According to my body, it's not actually bedtime yet. Even though it's 3:20 am and I've only slept from 11pm to midnight. Ugh.

I want to catch up on the last few months, but I don't want to overwhelm with a long post. Here are some bullet points of the last few months, the current situation, and more interesting differences between Italy and the states:

SIDS doesn't seem to be a blip on anyone's radar here. Babies sleep with little tiny pillows, sheets, blankets, etc. I keep wanting to tell people that they're not miniature adults, they're babies! They don't need miniature pillows.
No one here swaddles, apparently. My in-laws keeps complaining that we're putting Turtle in a straight-jacket, and when they are watching him, they don't do it (and he doesn't sleep well). I know he's a bit old at almost 6 months, but it really does help him sleep.
I'm worried I'm developing PPD. Can you develop it this late in the game? Actually, I think it's been coming on for a month or two now, exacerbated by some really shitty stuff that happened a little while back. I'll have to ask my hubby if he's ok with my posting it on the web, and then you'll see what I mean.
The babies are freaking adorable. I'm so in love with them, even after I've been alone with them for hours and am just dying to hear another adult voice.
Tadpole can roll over! And over and over and over. She's gone from a sweet, smiley little thing to a fireball of energy and attitude. She's still smiley, though.
Turtle is a little charming heartbreaker who actually does smile and even laugh now. He's also starting to grow some hair (ahead of his poor sis). Most of the time he can only roll back to front, but I've seen him occasionally go the other way, too.
The babies wake up a LOT at night still. It's frustrating. Especially for an insomniac.
I am supposed to go back to work in May ... I want to rethink my career before then. I thought I wanted to be a SAHM, but I'm not so sure anymore. I think I'd like a part time job so I can get out of the house and be part of the real world again. But I don't think I can go back to my old job. So I need to figure out what I want to do.
I'm having a very hard time maintaining friendships and making new friends. I feel very isolated, especially now that we're in the rainy season in California and I can't even get out of the house with two babies. I'm very lonely.
I miss exercising. It was a big part of my old identity ... I spent most of my time at work, cooking/baking, gardening, and doing sports. I don't do any of those things anymore. I don't do much of anything at all anymore.

Well, that's all for now, I guess. More later.

Smiles

2010-09-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

Now that both of my kids are smiling, life is so much better. Things are still hard (not that I'm not ALWAYS grateful to have them). My mother's helper/babysittier has become more and more unreliable until this week she was a no-show, but my in-laws are coming from Italy on Sunday! For two weeks!! Yay!

The babies are doing great. At just over 11 weeks, Tadpole is 12 pounds 2 ounces, and Turtle is 12 pounds 14 ounces. Turtle has started "talking" to us (when he's not screaming), and Tadpole still smiles up a storm constantly. It's wonderful. They're also sleeping at night, sometimes for stretches of 3-4 hours. REALLY wonderful. (Knock on wood). Not that they're on the same sleeping schedule. Or napping schedule. Or any kind of schedule, but we just go with it and hope that it'll settle into something schedule-like sometime soon.

The best thing we've done is hire a night nurse to come a couple times a week. It is saving our sanity. Since we're still in the middle of a huge remodel that is WAY behind schedule and dealing with two cranky babies while a lot of other stuff is going on in ours lives, getting regular sleep makes all the difference in the world.

Speaking of which - the night nurse is here and Mama and Papi are off to bed. Cheers!

2 months

2010-09-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

Time really does fly when you have babies. Everyone always told me it goes so fast! Actually, time doesn't seem to go any faster at all. I think what really happens is that the babies grow so quickly, they don't spend very long at each stage.

At two months, Tadpole is 10 pounds 15 ounces (up from 6 pounds 3 ounces at birth), and Turtle is 12 pounds 2 ounces (up from 6 pounds 13 ounces at birth, although that is an estimate since he was screaming and flailing on the scale).

Life is hard with twins. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They keep me busy morning to night, and we still haven't figured very much out. We haven't figured out sleep/nap schedules or routines at all. I tried getting them to sleep early last night since I was a single mom for the evening, and they were up early this morning and didn't sleep well. Of course, there are always other complications, such as the fact that they had their 2-month shots yesterday, so who knows?

They are sweet babies. It's true that babies develop at their own rates, you can see it very well with fraternal twins. Tadpole started smiling three weeks ago and has been smiling up a storm ever since, charming everyone around. Turtle started smiling much more recently and is still very shy about it. He prefers to frown, pout, or scream. Not nearly as charming!

We gave up breastfeeding and pumping. It was very sad for me, and I'd like to write more about it, but I don't have time at the moment. Factors included lack of time, lack of sleep, and digestive issues. Like I said, twins are hard.

Speaking of twins being hard - one thing I want to write more about it how awesome I think it will be for them in a year or so, but how it kind of sucks for them right now. I can't pick them up every time they cry, because I can't handle two babies at once, especially now that they are bigger. The calmer, sweeter twin tends to get a lot less attention. It's hard on everyone, including mama and papi (pronounced Poppy).

I want to write about dealing with parents and in-laws, bilingualism, sleeping, babywearing, trying out cloth diapers (hopefully I'll start that today or tomorrow!), meeting other mothers, dealing with the public when you have twins and tons more.

I've learned a lot about guilt, about judging, about learning. This is such an amazing, difficult journey. But now there's at least one baby crying and it's time to get papi up, so I've got to go. Ciao!

RE REdux

2010-08-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Things are going well here (knock on wood). It took us a while, but we're starting to settle into a bit of a schedule, and the babies are even figuring out that night time is for sleeping (and eating, but at least not for being awake for hours at a time). I have a lot of help (my mom comes one day a week, a mother's helper comes a few times, and now we have someone at night a few times a week for a couple months because we're exhausted). I can't complain. My babies are beautiful.

I was contacted by the RE's office a few weeks ago to find out how everything went in the end, and they invited me to come in and visit with the babies. I called to schedule it and they gave me an 11:45 appointment. I assumed that they gave me what was essentially a lunchtime appointment because there wouldn't be patients there who would get upset.

I was wrong.

Man I felt like shit. I pushed my double stroller in, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, and checked in at the front desk. In the meantime, a woman got up and went outside, leaving her purse behind on the chair, and stood with her back to the door. I wasn't sure at first, but it soon became obvious she was wiping her eyes and trying to pull herself together.

I felt bad for her. I felt bad for ME, too. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and now someone was outside crying, solely because of my presence. Man, what an awful feeling - a feeling I felt BECAUSE I am infertile and I know what it's like. A fertile person wouldn't have had a clue. I kept on not making eye contact with anyone and feeling terribly uncomfortable. A nurse went out to get her and she came back, grabbed her purse (also without making eye contact), and went through the door to the exam rooms, the nurse grabbing a box of tissues on the way. Sigh.

It was just weird. I know, everyone writes about feeling like they don't fit in anywhere (fertile world or infertile world), about wanting to be able to celebrate their pregnancies and children without feeling guilty, and so on. I felt all of that. I know I'm so, so, so lucky, even when I don't feel like it when I have one or two screaming babies in the middle of the night. I understand how that woman felt. And I understand how fertile women feel, when they offer to give their kids away, because although infertility sucks and isn't easy, quite honestly motherhood isn't easy either (but it doesn't suck like infertility does).

But I did choose motherhood for myself, and I would never hurt someone purposely. And so for yesterday, for those who are still going to the RE and who would have been horrified to see me show up with my double stroller and apparently nonchalant attitude, I'm very, very sorry.

Are you breastfeeding? Well, sort of ...

2010-07-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am so tired taking care of two babies, there has been no time to post! This is a rare event where they're both sleeping and I just would rather write than catch up on stuff around the house (but who knows how long that will last?).

One of the first things I want to say is that pretty much since Day 1 (or rather Day -2 when the induction started?) I have become a MUCH less judgmental person. I didn't even realize how judgmental I was. I was going to have the perfect birth, I wasn't going to have an epidural or a c-section or possibly not even painkillers at all. And then I was going to breastfeed for at least a year, and use cloth diapers. Because I apparently am perfect. Hahahahaha.

Pretty much ALL of that has gone completely out the window. I'm exhausted. I never really knew what sleep deprivation was, and now I understand why it's such a great torture device. So forget all that and let's start from scratch.

If there is one thing I am starting to hate about parenthood, it's constantly being asked by everyone and their brother whether I am breastfeeding. And I don't actually even have a straight yes-or-no answer to that. No, I am not technically breastfeeding. However, I'm not really formula feeding either. (huh? what the hell are you talking about? <--- what most people probably think). I am pumping and managing to get 75-100% of the babies' calories that way (depending on the day), and supplementing with formula when necessary. And I'm getting really sick of explaining that to people. I am about to start saying "yes, I am breastfeeding!" although it might be a bit confusing when I then pull out a bottle.

Let's try to keep this short and sweet (ok, that's not happening). Breastfeeding in the hospital didn't go that well. To revert to using nicknames (Tadpole is the girl, Turtle is the boy), Turtle was great at latching on (as far as I could tell without much help from the nurses, who were more about fixing things later than getting them started right), but he didn't seem to get enough to satisfy him and would feed for hours and hours and still be hungry and losing weight, while I didn't get any sleep. Tadpole couldn't seem to latch on at all. Her hands were always in the way, and then she couldn't do it right and I'd have to get her off and start over and she'd get more and more frustrated and in the process she was destroying my nipples. I was in pain, and then I'd get tense, which isn't good for the letdown reflex, and a vicious cycle would start. Pretty soon, it made it tough to breastfeed even Turtle, who had a good latch most of the time. Things weren't going well.

At a certain point, one of the babies (I'm assuming Tadpole, but I'm not sure) had lost more than 10% of their birth weight, and the nurses were concerned. I'm not going to go into every single thing we tried, or how some of them were such militant lactation consultants that they would not even consider formula or a breast pump. Let's just say that my poor husband woke up to all three of us crying one night. And we HAD to start supplementing, because the babies couldn't lose any more weight.

So anyway, when we got home we rented a pump (the hospital never even let me try to pump), and I really liked giving my nipples a chance to heal and not having the pain anymore. Yes, I missed the closeness of nursing my babies, but I couldn't relax, and they couldn't get enough milk. Pumping is working great - I have more time to spend with the babies, I have more time to take care of our house and our lives, my babies get most of the benefits of being breastfed, I get most of the benefits of breastfeeding, my husband gets to bond with the babies by bottle-feeding them, and we can have someone watch them at night once in a while, while we sleep (yes, I have to get up to pump, but it's 15 minutes and then back to sleep).

So. It works for us. It probably won't work forever, because the logistics will be difficult once we need to spend a very long day away from home, or travel to Italy. But it will work for at least a few months, and maybe a few more after that and then we'll see. I am trying to stop beating myself up about it, and I'm in the process of deciding that it's no one else's damn business. I have never felt so judged in my life, and I'm putting my foot down.

And by the way - all of the women who are judging me have never tried to breastfeed twins! I know it's possible, and it's probably wonderful, but it's also really freaking hard. Spending hours breastfeeding only to have your baby cry in hunger right afterward and immediately take a bottle of forumla, or have him or her refuse the breast in the first place - well, it's tough. As our pediatrician says, we need to worry about the babies, but also about ourselves and our own sanity, or else we can't take care of them. And it's true.

So. That is probably all that I will say about breastfeeding, I doubt I'll bring it up again. I went through a really tough time and cried quite a bit and felt like shit and let people make me feel like shit and I feel like I've come out of it with a plan and some success and I am happy. And that's what matters.

Birth story

2010-07-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to start, but I definitely want to get this down before I start forgetting details.

I went to the birthing center for a non-stress test on Saturday, July 3, and the OB on call finally noticed my climbing blood pressure. Everything else looked good, but she ran a urine test and saw protein in my urine, so asked me to take home a jug and do a 24-hour urine test. If it was positive, there was a good chance we wouldn't be going home before the babies were born, so we frantically (and finally) finished packing our hospital bags and putting carseats in the car. I don't think we really believed that anything would happen, though.

We returned on July 4 at 11 and waited an hour with the babies on monitors. The OB came in and said my protein level was 5 times higher than normal, that I would be admitted, and that she recommended induction. We agreed (I had been starting to be pretty horrified by my blood pressure, because it's always been low). Some of the nurses were finally horrified by my swollen feet and legs, too, and they were doing relatively well that day!

They set us up in a labor and delivery room and started the pitocin, and by mid-afternoon I was finally feeling contractions. Nothing too bad, though, and I was disappointed to not really be dilating. I was hooked up to the baby monitor with a strap for each baby and a contraction monitor, and was having continuous blood pressure monitoring as well - a cuff that was set to automatically inflate every 10 minutes. We watched a few fireworks from our hospital room window, and we opted to try a foley bulb for the night to help with dilation.

Unfortunately, it only helped a bit, and the next day, Monday July 5, I was still not even 4 cm dilated. They started upping the pitocin, but it seemed that my body was getting used to it, because it took them half the day and large doses to get contractions going again. Finally, the doctor proposed breaking the amniotic sac, since I was dilated just enough. At that point, the contractions became strong and painful, but I could handle them pretty well while sitting up. Again unfortunately, when I sat up, my blood pressure would spike, and I was forced to stay lying in bed, where the contractions were unbearable. And still not dilating very quickly at all. After hours of this, and knowing there would still be hours left to go (despite nurses expecting July 5 babies), I finally opted for an epidural. I still feel that I could have tolerated the pain if I could use the pain techniques I had learned in class, but alas, I was stuck in bed flat on my back.

The epidural came at 7pm and was awesome, a huge breath of relief. Ironically, just sitting up to have the anesthesiologist put it in lessened the pain so much that I almost changed my mind, but I knew I'd have to lie back down again. I didn't feel any more contractions after that, it was strange to see them going on the monitor while my husband and I watched the Lord of the Rings. But still no progress in dilation until they really upped the pitocin. At least I was able to get some sleep.

My OB was on call that night and kept us company throughout the night. Finally, finally, at 4am on July 6, she pronounced that I was ready to start pushing. At some point they had switched Baby A to internal monitoring (they found it impossible to keep her heart rate on the monitors otherwise), and internal contraction monitoring, plus they put in a foley catheter, plus I now had the epidural tubes and pitocin IV, and the blood pressure cuff - I was attached to everything in sight, it was a mess. But I was so ready to see my babies!

The OB explained that I would start pushing and see how things went, and she expected that in 15-20 minutes we'd start moving to the OR, as is the standard procedure for delivering twins at my hospital. After an hour of pushing, and I mean REALLY pushing (which let me tell you is rather difficult when you can't feel the lower half of your body), I was started to get suspicious of why we were still in the labor and delivery room. The OB admitted that I wasn't making any progress, even though I was doing a great job. I was determined to get these babies out, after all those hours of labor and getting to that point. I pushed harder.

Another hour went by, and I asked again - any progress? Still ... nothing. Everyone could see Baby A's head appear when I pushed, but it would disappear again when I'd stop. And the contractions were still few and far between, which didn't help the pushing, either. After 2.5 hours, the doctor was concerned, and said it was time to make a decision. She recommended doing a C-section, but would let me keep pushing while the staff was called and the OR prepared, in case a miracle happened. I was still hoping for the miracle, and pushed some more. My husband told me he could see the veins standing out in my face. At 7am, I admitted defeat, which was in a way a bit of a relief. I had been through just about every intervention possible since being admitted to the hospital, I knew I had no control over this labor, and I was starting to believe there weren't really any babies in there and everyone had been lying to me the whole time. I just wanted to see my babies.

I was moved into the OR, the sweetest anesthesiologist in the world found some music I liked to play during the delivery, and everything was prepared. Finally, my husband was brought in and everything got crazy and busy!

Jose.p.hine was born at 8:20 am, weighing 6 pounds 3 ounces:

Her brother, Vin.ce.nzo, was born at 8:21 am, weighing 6 pounds 13 ounces:
It was so incredibly emotional. I cried. I couldn't believe that those two beautiful babies were really ours. Even though the last week has been incredibly hard, I am still so grateful for how blessed we have been.

Quick note to catch up ... big news!

2010-07-12T22:26:00.001-07:00

Babies are here!!!! Actually, tomorrow they will be one week old. Birth story and photos to come as soon as I can catch my breath. Sorry for the silence - life is hectic! Now off to bed to try to get some sleep so tomorrow I can catch up.

News!

2010-07-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about my OB appointment on Thursday, and how frustrating it was. The doctor is not the one I regularly see - he's the only man in the practice, and while I like certain things about him (he LOVES doing breech extractions for Baby B rather than C-sections, when it's necessary), he's also been very laid back. He wanted to just keep waiting to 39 or even 40 weeks and see what happens. He also wanted to measure the babies and do a cervical check, but figured we might as well wait until next week. I was a little demoralized at the thought of having to go three more weeks, unable to turn in bed, unable to fit into shoes, barely able to get up off a chair or get out of the car.

But then ... today I went into the birthing center for my morning NST, which went well. I had a high school friend's wedding this afternoon, about a 45-minute drive away. After the NST, the doctor came in, which has never happened before (usually I only see nurses), and started talking to us about my blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, which I was already suspecting a week or two ago, but no one seemed to notice before. She noticed my BP had gradually been getting higher, and she wanted to check it again while I was sitting up instead of relaxing in the bed. Bad news - it got much higher.

So they did a urine and blood test and had the machine automatically check my BP every 5 minutes for about an hour, and it just kept getting worse, and the urine came back with protein. They sent me home with jugs for a 24-hour urine collection test and an appointment to go back tomorrow for a follow-up NST and to check my urine. If it's not good, I'll be admitted and induced. If it's ok, I will get probably a 2-3 day reprieve, but I'll likely be induced by the end of the week.

So! Finally something is happening. I obviously don't want pre-eclampsia, and given the choice, I wish my body would just go into labor instead of having to be induced, but I have to say I'm relieved. Waiting indefinitely while things have gotten so much harder, and in fact starting to feel like I wasn't going to make it, that was getting tough.

So now I have less than 24 hours to get my hospital bag finished off and try to relax and take it easy on modified bed rest. Tomorrow just might be the big day! And if it's not, I still only have a few days to go. I'm about to work on the memory books a bit more, read a novel, and watch my kitty sleep in peace, while my husband installs the carseats and works a bit.

Good thing, too, since it really feels like the babies are trying to break out my either popping a few ribs or breaking through my skin. I can't wait! Will update either way whenever I can.

Cheers!

37 long weeks

2010-06-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here I am, 37 weeks. Technically full term, but you wouldn't know it by hanging out with me. Babies are still active, and doing great at their NSTs, but no signs whatsoever of impending labor. Yet my feet are still giant marshmallows, and now my ankles and calves are included. I dread seeing the scale at the OB tomorrow.

Life in general is good, though. While it has been TWO MONTHS and the damn contractors STILL haven't finished the bathroom, at least they've made enough progress so that I can tell that it's looking good. They still have to put on the cabinet doors and hardware, finish tiling around the edges (the "baseboard"), grout, install the shower and sink faucets and the toilet, put up the glass shower doors, install the mirror, install the light fixtures, and I guess install towel bars, which no one has talked to me about, so I don't know what's going on with that. That's a lot of stuff, considering that first they were supposed to be done last Wednesday, then by the end of this week (and all along they've assured us it would be done by the end of June). I am starting to wonder if we'll have a kitchen in time for Christmas, and I've completely given up on the idea of having Thanksgiving here.

My mother's helper has been coming almost full-time (which is actually part-time, since we hired her for 20 hours per week). It was great for helping with unpacking and cleaning and getting our old apartment straightened out and such, but I've started running out of things for her to do. These days I'm having her mow the lawn and plant ground-cover, and might have her clean the garage. I feel bad, but I know she needs the work and the money, and until the babies come I am just a stay-at-home wife who doesn't have that much to do. I'm also not all that comfortable having someone around just to help me, although I admit it has been a blessing for anything involving hard labor or heavy lifting.

And now here I am, waiting and twiddling my thumbs and swimming and not sleeping and trying to fit into some of my regular clothes because I'm SO SICK of my maternity clothes and I'm not going to buy anything new at 37 weeks. The nurse today told me that hospital protocol is much better for 38-weekers than for 37-weekers, so my current goal is to get to July 7 (or 9, since the 8th is my mom's birthday) and at least that way I have a date to aim for. And then I want my body back. Got it, babies? They are incredibly stubborn, just like their father. And still strong, too - their kicks and movements are unbelievable and sometimes painful. Well, only a week to go! Please!

Belated 36 weeks!

2010-06-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

No theme this week - all the usual ones continue, especially the insomnia and the swelling.

We moved into our house last Sunday! And I didn't really sleep for the first two nights, and there are contractors here all day drilling and sawing so it's impossible to nap. So then I started taking Ben.adryl, and I don't know if it was the reason, but I've been sleeping all night and only getting up once or twice to pee. It's glorious. Except for waking up at 5:30 this morning, my first chance to sleep in for about two weeks.

I'm so swollen. I had two NSTs this week and an OB visit with u/s. The first NST was a pain - baby B would not sit still, and they kept coming in every 10-15 minutes to adjust the monitor and start over again. I ended up taking a 45-minute nap (heavenly!) when they finally got him to stay put. Then yesterday the doctor decided to order a urine test for protein at the OB appointment, and they had trouble with both babies at the NST. My blood pressure was also high during the NST, so I am going back tomorrow for another NST and blood pressure check. I'm wondering if they're suspecting preeclampsia.

In the meantime, I'm swimming laps. It seems to help a tiny bit for my swollen feet, as long a I swim over 500 yards (any less doesn't do much). I've worked my way back up to 800 yards and hoping to keep going. Especially since I'm really hoping the babies are born around 37 weeks, which is only a few more days away. Since we'll start talking induction as we near 38 weeks, I'd much prefer to get labor started on its own this coming week. Also, my mother will be out of town, and that's one less stressor around for me when the babies are born. She can come back and see them when things have settled down and the babies are a few days old.

The house is coming along. The contractors are behind schedule in finishing our bathroom, and I'm doubting they'll even meet their new and improved deadline for this week. Also, they haven't done things the way we agreed, and I don't know if it's worth asking them to make changes since it will create even more delays. Remodeling is the most frustrating thing.

I'm feeling a bit stressed and unsettled, and have a bit of the blues. My entire life has been turned upside down in the last few weeks, and waiting for the babies makes me realize that whatever normalcy is still here will shortly be gone. In the space of a few weeks, I've left the job that I've been at for three years (and therefore all the friends that I saw on a day-to-day basis), left the apartment where my husband and I first moved in together and have lived for over five years, and am now dealing with contractors who are much older and more experienced than me and yet seem to need constant supervision and correction, which I am a little uncomfortable with.

Our mother's helper also started working for me, and that is going well, but it's weird to have someone around all the time when sometimes I just want some alone time. I'm constantly having to find things for her to do (not that there's any lack of things that need doing, but at this point, I need to be involved very closely since she just started) and it's exhausting. I've just spent a week unpacking and organizing and cleaning and I'm tired. I even found time to squeeze in a few "fun" projects, like pulling out some major overgrown bushes and planting flowers and herbs instead. But even still I have that unsettled feeling of being in a new place and being all alone (or rather surrounded by strangers) and I'm looking forward to life feeling more normal again. Ha! At least I have two days to spend with my husband and no contractors or mother's helpers around.

The best thing right now is knowing that soon, I will get to see and hold my babies. I'm so curious to know what they will look like, these little creatures that have been beating me up from inside for so long now. And along with that, I'll get my ankles and feet back, and I'll be able to start exercising again (eventually) and I just know that things will get better and I'll have a beautiful family that I've been wanting for so long. And in another ten years when the contractors finish, I might have a house worth living in, too. I have so much to look forward to, I just have to shake this malaise that's settling for the moment.

I think I'll start with going back to bed.

Getting closer

2010-06-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's appointment at the dr. went well. First to the hospital for a non-stress test (NST). That was pretty cool - they strapped three monitors around me - one for each baby and one for contractions, and then left for 30 minutes while I read a book and hung out. The babies did well, and there was a lot of movement, which showed up as sharp peaks on the screen that sort of interrupted the more regular heart-beat charting. That was pretty cool. The nurse came back and took a look and said "Two happy babies!"

Then I had to wait forever for the doctor because she was on call. I read a couple entire magazines before finding a really interesting article on childbirth, when of course she came in. She did an ultrasound to check the fluid, although she didn't do any measurements so I have no idea of how big the babies are. She also did a Group B Strep test, which was more painful than I expected, and asked if I wanted a cervical check (yes!) which was less painful than I expected. My cervix is down to about 1 cm, and she felt that it was thinning out and ripening as well. While she wouldn't guarantee it, she said she wouldn't be surprised if I went into labor in the next week or two.

OMG! I could have babies in the next week or two! That would put me at right around 36-37 weeks, which is perfect.

In other news, our new house is coming along, but s...l...o...w...l...y. Nonetheless, we are moving in tomorrow. We need to be ready for babies. The bathroom that they have been remodeling is at least starting to look like a bathroom, but I can't see how they will even come close to meeting their estimated "almost finish date" of 3.5 weeks (we hit 3 weeks yesterday). So far, they have textured and painted the walls, and tiled the floor of the shower. They still have to tile everything else, install the cabinet, sinks, faucets, lighting, etc. In a few days! Based on past performance, I'd guess it will be at least another week, and probably two. We haven't even picked out sink faucets or lighting yet.

I know we are still missing a few things for the babies and the nursery, but at this point, it's getting to be a bit much. We have all the basic necessary stuff, I think, and we'll figure out the rest as we go.

So I am about to start a crazy busy weekend of packing, unpacking, directing friends to different parts of my under-construction house, and cleaning my old apartment. Luckily, I've been pretty on top of things and have almost everything done (except cleaning, ugh), so yay me! At this point, the rest is getting thrown into boxes and hastily labeled, and I will sort it out when it gets there (or after the babies come).

Wow, we're going to have babies soon!!!!

35 weeks, celebrating and still not sleeping

2010-06-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

I missed my 35-week post by a few hours. I'm also up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Which REALLY sucks because we are at a conference for my husband's work and we have to check out of the hotel tomorrow, so I won't be able to take a nap.

The celebration is because Wednesday was our 3-year wedding anniversary! Yay! It was not the most exciting anniversary ever, but it was still a great day because I was spending it with the love of my life. I watched him give an excellent presentation, spent some time reading and relaxing, took a nap in the afternoon, and we went out for a nice dinner. The last 3 years have been the best of my life, along with the 3 years before that (when we were dating), and I would not exchange them for anything. I'm so excited to see the children we've made together.

Then tonight I couldn't sleep, and I got super-hot and the babies have been kicking the crap out of me for the last few days, but hey, things could be worse. I don't know if I'm noticing their kicks more because I'm sort of "on vacation" at this conference and don't have much to do, but it seems like they have been very active and beating me up in the last few days. And they are really trying to stretch out when they move, I can't believe how far they push out my skin. They're strong little buggers.

My feet are still permanently swollen, and my wrists and fingers still ache and are stiff. Typing is getting hard, and writing is almost impossible. It's not so much fun, but I know it won't last forever. 35 weeks is a big milestone, and I'm ready for the babies to come almost any time, hopefully in about 2-3 weeks. So far no real signs of labor, aside from what I think are Braxton-Hicks contractions (no pain, my belly just gets really hard for a little while).

So yeah - sleep is still eluding me, and while I now treasure nights when I sleep a good 6-8 hours, I dread nights like these, when I've slept only 2-3 hours and it appears that I may be up for the long haul, or will only get a few more hours at most (since the alarm is going off in two hours, and I don't feel sleepy yet). I know this will be my life in a few weeks, but goodness, can't I enjoy a few last weeks of decent sleep before it is banished for a couple years?

Tomorrow (Friday) is my first non-stress test - will update about that and how the rest of life is going soon.

34 weeks and emotional

2010-06-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure what this week's theme would be until today. I've been gradually getting more and more emotional over the last week, and things are just not going well. I know this can be normal, and I'm not upset about it in and of itself - I'm more worried about post-partum depression.

All in all, things are good. I had my 34-week appointment today, and the babies look great. Now Tadpole is slightly bigger than Turtle, but since they are so close, it doesn't really matter. Tadpole is 4 pounds 12 ounces (up from 4 pounds 1 ounce), and Turtle is around 4 pounds 8 ounces (up from 4 pounds 4 ounces, which means he only gained 4 ounces in the last two weeks, while Tadpole gained 11 - hmmmmmm). The doctor was fine with it.

I start non-stress tests next Friday. I'm happy to be going in more often to make sure all is well. I'll be going twice a week after that. Next Wednesday is also my third wedding anniversary, and I'm really excited for that, as well. My wedding ranks as one of the best days of my life, right up there with meeting my husband, finding out I was pregnant, and then finding out I was having twins. Yep, those are probable the 4 best days of my life, and I'm looking forward to adding #5 - holding my babies for the first time.

My own health is decent - BP is good, weight is slightly high in my own mind but no one has mentioned it. My biggest problems are very swollen feet and hands, and insomnia. Last night I was awake for at least 4 hours. I'm exhausted, and I'm starting to dread what it's going to be like with two babies up all night. At least then I'll be holding the rewards in my arms (instead of having them kick the hell out of my ribs).

I'm trying to find some strength (which is hard, due to my insomnia). Incidentally, one of the biggest problems I'm dealing with is my mother. I think she has Borderline Personality Disorder, as she is a master manipulator, always has to be the center of attention, and has made me feel guilty my entire life. I've never been able to sustain any kind of defense against her, and I've always thought I needed help to learn to do that. Now that I'm about to have kids, I really want to learn to handle her. I don't want the kids using me as an example - I'm insecure, a people-pleaser, and not good at standing up for myself. I want them to be stronger than that, more like their father. I also don't want my mother affecting the kids directly, through even more guilt and manipulation. I have no idea what to do though - do I find a therapist? How? Can anyone offer any advice on how to learn to deal with destructive, manipulative people?

33 weeks and swollen

2010-06-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

I guess each week will have a theme. This week is definitely "swollen". My feet are big puffy pillows. I can only fit into one pair of sandals, the ones that adjust with velcro. I can't even wear flip flops, b/c my feet won't go into them. My hands don't really LOOK swollen, but my wedding ring was stuck on for several days and I only managed to squeeze it off last night. I wake up every morning with my fingers totally stiff and painful. I don't know if this is just a phase or if it will last up until delivery.

I have another check-up in one week, and then I start twice weekly monitoring at 35 weeks. I can't believe we're already almost there. 35 weeks is only 3 weeks away from being comfortably full term. 35 weeks is also my 3-year wedding anniversary with the best husband in the world. We hoped their birthday might coincide with our anniversary, but that is really too early to be born.

Our house is coming along, but very slowly. I could write a whole list of complaints about our contractor, but I won't. I now understand why everyone hates contractors. Things are just taking forever. The good news is that I've done a lot of work on the nursery. Besides painting it a nice peachy-orange color, I've moved in all the babies' stuff, and the husband and sister moved in our armoire, which is still in the middle of the room since the contractor hasn't put in baseboards yet (sigh). I got two crib mattresses, and cribs are on the way. We brought over our wonderful Peruvian wall hanging, which is perfect for a children's room, and also goes with the wall color. I'll put up some pictures as soon as we have baseboards and cribs.

In the meantime, I'm really enjoying having time off of work. I really hated working. I'm not used to spending my day alone, and having it so unstructured, but it's been so wonderful for catching up on naps and getting things done. I haven't exactly been bored!

More updates soon, and hopefully pics, too.

32 weeks and tired

2010-05-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm hitting a wall. I finally have to really admit to myself that I don't have the energy I used to. I'm exhausted. My ticker says I have 56 days to go, and quite honestly, I'm hoping it's a bit sooner than that. I'm just so tired.

I had my 32-week visit today, and got to see the little ones on ultrasound. They are BOTH HEAD DOWN!!!!!! Hooray for small miracles. They looked great, and are weighing appropriately - I think Tadpole (girl, Baby A) was about 4 pounds 1 once, and Turtle was about 4 pounds 4 ounces. I go back in two weeks for another ultrasound, then I start going once or twice a week for monitoring at L&D. I have gained 40 pounds, a little more than I hoped, but still within the normal range and the doctor was happy. My blood pressure was great, too. No signs of preterm labor.

I've been having fun in the meantime. The last baby shower (I'll have to write a separate post about it) was great, and we got almost everything we needed, including the arm's reach cosleeper and twin nursing pillow. I painted the nursery a peachy-orange color on Monday (took me all day and completely wore me out, pics to come soon!), and moved a bunch of baby clothes and boxes in there yesterday. Still waiting for the baseboards to be installed.

I don't know if my planned furniture set-up will work - I set up a small bookshelf near the doorway for, well, books and whatever else, there will be a large armoire for holding extraneous clothing, diapers, supplies, etc., my cedar chest for blankets, linens, stuffed animals and so on, and some wire shelving in the closet for the daily clothing needs including hats, socks, shoes, onesies, and pajamas. I also have a few of the nicer outfits hanging in the closet. I'm planning to get one crib tomorrow, and possibly two, but I guess we'll need to order those and have them delivered. There isn't going to really be space for a rocking chair or swing or anything, so I guess that will go in the office or the (rather crowded) kitchen/living room. It will be nice when the house is done and we have more space.

I think the only things we still really need at this point are a second carseat, a crib (or two), and diapers. I put together the snap'n'go stroller, which was a bit misleading for the chicco carseats we picked - they just sit in the frame rather than snapping in, and you use a safety strap to sort of hold them in place. It seems stable enough, as long as you don't hit a huge bump or a curb or something. Hopefully it'll be better than it seems.

Just a funny side note - I think it's always funny when people offer me advice about having two diaper-changing stations, one for each floor of the house. I guess there must be parts of the country where there aren't any one-story houses? Here in sunny, spacious California, we have a lot of one-story houses, including mine! But don't let that stop you from giving me advice! I need all the advice I can get! I just think learning about the differences in different parts of the country (or world) is really interesting.

Oh, and the insomnia is ... still sucking on occasion, but now that I'm on maternity leave, I've been napping away. It's great. Still, I'd rather have my energy than have time to nap. I miss my energy. In the meantime, the chores keep piling up - got to get this stuff done before the babies arrive in about 3-6 weeks!!!!

Last day at work!

2010-05-21T10:20:00.001-07:00

I should be working. I should be frantically getting stuff done. But OMG, I'm so ready to leave. I have senioritis big time (remember that from high school?). I'll be coming back to finish cleaning off my desk, and to visit, but man, am I so done with working.

The house is coming along ... slowly. I'm a little disappointed by how little they've done (I almost cried yesterday), but at least starting Monday I'll be around to nag them and keep them accountable. It's been a week, and they still haven't finished laying our wood floors. It's three (relatively small) bedrooms and a hallway. I totally thought they'd be done by now. I think they'll be done today, but since they're gluing it down, we can't walk on it for a day or two.

I was originally planning to paint the babies' room (now that we actually have one), and do a cool faux finish, since the white walls are so dingy, but then I was talked out of it, since we'll eventually do a renovation and have to redo it again anyway. But now I've decided screw it. I don't have to do the fancy wall treatment I had in mind. There's not much paintable wall space - I can get a single can of cute paint and get it done in a morning and at least it will be presentable and cheerful instead of kinda depressing. I'm thinking a peachy-tangerine color. I have a few friends who will help. So yay! I'm SO excited to have something to do which will make such a big difference.

Then, the rest of the week I'll move some basic furniture in, set up the clothes, get the washing machine delivered and start doing laundry, and finally have a little nursery going. Since I'm only a few weeks from the beginning of the "birth window". It's about time!

Our double snap'n'go stroller, which my coworkers so thoughtfully got us, arrived yesterday, and I'm going to put that together as well. My last baby shower, with girlfriends and family, is tomorrow - it was supposed to be outdoors on the lawn at my mom's house, but it's going to be cooler with a chance of rain, so we might have to move indoors. I think it's going to be fun, and I'm so excited to see high school, college, and other friends, some of whom I haven't seen in months or years. And then I can get the rest of the stuff we need, which isn't actually too much at this point - another carseat, primarily, a crib or two, diapers ...

So things are moving along, despite the contractor. I'm in a great mood today, hope it will last for a while!

31 weeks and 2nd baby shower

2010-05-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

And ... almost done with work! Thank GOODNESS. I can't stand this place anymore. Actually, I realized from my baby shower yesterday, I can't stand management, but I'm actually quite sad to be leaving so many people who I like and care about a lot, including some good friends I've made over the last few years.

I'm not actually sure how many people came to the shower yesterday - 30? 35? Something like that. I got a ton of gifts, including lots and lots of baby clothes, some books, the snap n go double stroller frame, a diaper bag, and an ergo baby carrier. We also had a delicious salad potluck and played a few games. I was so grateful and humbled by how many people came and brought gifts, and now I'm getting emotional thinking about how I'm going to miss them.

Here's a snapshot I took of all the gifts (and I've gotten some more today, too):

And today marks 31 weeks. I've read in various places that 50% of twins are born by week 36 or 37 - so on average, we have only 5-6 weeks to go (and in reality, the window is probably 4-7 weeks to go).

I am losing track of what we have and what we need - I REALLY need to set up the nursery, and see what I get at my third and final baby shower this weekend. Then I can take stock and go shopping for last-minute stuff. Our house is finally coming along - in the last two days they've laid about 1/2 of the hardwood floors (or maybe 2/3?), and I really hope they're finishing today, so I hope to be able to walk on them by Sunday. Monday, I want to go to Home Depot to learn about plastering/painting/faux finishes, and try to get the nursery painted within the following day or two, and then I can get organized! And order a crib!

Sometimes I'm just freaking out by how much has to be done. But then I'm really happy to be so busy - I hate being bored!

First baby shower

2010-05-16T04:47:00.001-07:00

My husband's company gave us our first baby shower on Friday (right before my midwife appointment). I feel so blessed to have so many people care about us. It was kind of funny, though, since most of his company is young single guys, many from Italy (it's a tech start-up).

I was kind of wondering what they would get us, since at that point, almost nothing was bought off the registry. Turns out that they pooled their money and asked my sister what they could get us that was BIG. I didn't register for anything over about $150-$200 (car seats and the cosleeper), and I guess they had a lot more than that. So she told them that we really wanted a jogging stroller that converts to a bike trailer, and they bought us the nicest, most expensive one they could find. It was a wonderful surprise, and I can't wait to use it, although it will be at least 7 months until we get our first opportunity.

In the last few days, quite a few things have been purchased for us, including most of our expensive stuff. My husband's business partner and his wife bought us a car seat, and I'm thinking we should make sure it fits in the car this weekend before someone buys us the other one. I'm really looking forward to the next two baby showers now, except that I don't really like being the center of attention. Ah well, it's the price to pay for being pregnant. With twins.

The other price to pay is continued insomnia. It's been days since I've slept through the night, but for the most part I can eventually get back to sleep and on the weekends sleep in until I get 8 hours. I've been trying various alternative remedies, but nothing seems to work. The husband is pushing for me to try meditation, which I've never been particularly good at.

Working is getting much, much tougher, because it's rather hard to do on 4-6 hours of sleep per night. Also, I was told (after a year of being promised otherwise) that I will not be considered for promotion "until I return from my maternity leave" (while everyone else at my level, and with less education and time at the job, has been promoted). I'm sure there's something illegal in that, but I don't know if I care anymore. I only have 5 workdays left, including my baby shower. I definitely plan to not go back to that particular job.

And our house! It's finally coming along! We got our wood floors delivered, and they will start installing them on Monday!!! I'm so excited about that. Especially because I can finally start moving stuff in and setting up a nursery. Actually, the room I was thinking of for the babies' room is uglier than I realized/remembered. The wood floor will make a huge difference, and I think trimming back the plants in front of the windows will, too. The walls are stark white - I'm thinking of painting them sage green, and wish I had thought of it earlier, but now I'll have to paint after the floors are in, maybe next weekend. And one wall is covered in that 70's style grass-cloth, with relatively ugly sconces, but I might leave all that for now (especially since our remodeling plan will eventually call for putting a closet opening in that wall). It will look much better with colored walls than white ones.

They've also demolished the bathroom completely and have just gotten started on rebuilding it. I'm hoping that it will be done a couple weeks after the floors, but perhaps I'm being too optimistic. We don't really want to go live there until that bathroom is done, although we theoretically could. Either way, we're going to start moving boxes, books, extra furniture, baby stuff, etc. I can't wait! Taking care of the yard and pool will be so much more manageable when we're living there.

Well, it is 5am, and I've been up since 3:30. Seems like a good point to try to go back to sleep. Hope all's well and that everyone's having a good weekend!

30 weeks!

2010-05-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't exactly say that time is flying (at least, not when I'm at work!), but I do feel like the end of this pregnancy is finally in sight. I think I've had a relatively easy pregnancy (at least for twins), and it's still been pretty rough, at least lately. Next Friday is my last day of work, in theory (if anyone ever bothers to take care of my paperwork), and then I really want to start trying to swim to get a minimum amount of exercise. For someone who has done triathlons, ski mountaineering, rock climbing, and lots of hiking in the last few years, I've done an awful lot of nothing these past 9 months since my knee surgery. I think probably the one thing I miss the most, and am looking forward to the most after having these babies, is getting back to my exercise routine.

Coming up in the next two weeks we have:

First baby shower for my husband's office on Friday
Midwife appointment on Friday after the shower
Second baby shower for my office next Tuesday
Third baby shower for family and friends next Saturday

It's going to be a busy few weeks, and I have to say - almost none of the things on my registry have been purchased. It makes me wonder if people are waiting til the last minute or just buying whatever they want.

On the house front - it's coming along. The bathroom has been gutted, and I'm excited to see what happens as they start rebuilding it. Our hardwood floors should arrive next week, and I'm hoping they will pause from the bathroom to install them so I can start moving stuff over there. All else is good - the weather has kept me from taking care of the yard (lots of rain in California, yes, it really does rain here!), and the pool has another layer of algae on the bottom. This will be another weekend of pool vacuuming and lawn-mowing, in addition to packing.

Packing! OMG, this is the longest I have lived in one place since elementary school, and the first time I've cohabited with someone else (besides a roommate). Packing is going to be a nightmare. Just ... wish me luck, that's all I can say. I know we'll come out of this more organized in the end, but I'm really struggling right now.

In the meantime, I'm grateful that my pregnancy problems are limited to acid reflux, insomnia, backache, and swollen feet. It could be much worse. Here's to the next 5-8 weeks, and finally getting to see my beautiful babies.

Chugging along

2010-05-10T11:43:00.001-07:00

I REALLY can't believe how crazy life gets when one is pregnant with twins, remodeling, packing/moving, AND working full time. I wish I was on maternity leave already.

Mother's Day was ... well, I'm just going to say it sucked, mostly as per usual (although much more in many ways). Here is a sample of how my day went with my mother:

Scene: My mom and sister are dropping me off at the train station at the end of the day, so I can make it back home in time for my childbirth class.

Me: Happy Mother's Day!
Mom: Did you realize that's the first time you've said that all day?
Me: Um, yes, I guess so.
Mom: So you DO realize that?
Me: Well, yes.
Mom: Did you do that on purpose?

Well, fuck me. What a bitch. I am sorry my kids are going to have to deal with this, and watch me deal with it, too. I am seriously thinking I need some therapy to learn how to handle this better before it affects my kids.

BIG DEEP BREATH. OK. Whew.

Last childbirth class last night - it was very, very helpful and useful. I learned all about C-sections and anything that makes a labor and delivery non-natural (sorry if I'm misusing that term). Pain meds, narcotics, inducements, epidurals and spinals, vacuum assist, baby monitoring, and so on. It was so informative.

They gave us a pretty handy fill-in-the-blank birth plan to use, but I'm not sure what applies to twin births or not, so I'm going to fill it out now and take it with me to my midwife appointment on Friday to have her review it.

Baby stuff is starting to trickle in. I'm having a lot of people offer me stuff that I didn't particularly want nor register for (b/c it's huge, not really necessary, etc.), but it's hard to turn down free stuff that might turn out to be useful. It will be nice to finally have a nursery to put some of this stuff in - soon! As soon as we can pick our wood floors and get them ordered. We might have a room to start working on in a week or two, I can only hope.

It's pretty crazy to think that in 5-8 weeks, we will probably be parents.

29 weeks

2010-05-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

29 weeks and things are good, though I am rapidly getting more tired and achy and grumpy. I am now taking prenatals, folic acid (when I remember), iron supplements, Tums for the reflux, and hydroxyzine to try to help me sleep (despite my husband's attempts to ruin my sleep life with his watch alarm, cell phone, etc., and despite my whiny cat). I have a series of baby showers coming up (husband's office, my office, and then friends and family) which I'm really excited about. I'm surprised I am excited, because I normally hate baby showers. Childbirth classes are going well, too, only one left.

What I really want to write about is that I've had some rather strange, twilight-zone-like infertility experiences lately.

First, when I went to sign the papers for my new homeowner's insurance, the agent I met with was a pretty young woman who was enthusiastic about my pregnancy. She confessed she just had a little boy in November and was so happy about it. A bit later, she mentioned (for reasons I can't remember, I think we were talking about car insurance and fitting carseats in cars) that she had fostered children, and it turned out to be good practice for having her own child. I took note, but still didn't think much of it. Then, when she found out I was having twins, she said that she was pregnant with twins once, but that was before she knew she couldn't get pregnant on her own. I could only conclude at that point that she had suffered a pregnancy loss, fostered children perhaps in the hope of adoption, and then got pregnant either miraculously on her own or through infertility treatment. But I didn't know how or if I should mention infertility, or if perhaps any of my assumptions were wrong. I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing.

Then at work a few days ago, I was talking with a couple coworkers. Most of my coworkers, although not all, assume my twin pregnancy is natural, because I am a twin, my MIL is a twin, and I have several other sets of twins in my family - but no one has come right out and said it, they just say something like "oh, you were destined to have twins!" This coworker started talking about how lucky I was to have twins naturally, and there are so many twins around these days, but you never know who has them naturally because of fertility treatments. I was SO uncomfortable. I again had no idea what to do or say. She's not even someone I know that well, so it's not like I would normally be talking to her about my doctor's appointments or anything. So again ... sigh.

And THEN. Yesterday at the personnel appointment to help me fill out my maternity leave paperwork, the guy started talking about octomom and how she didn't expect all the embryos to implant and how stupid she was because everyone only puts back one embryo because of course it will implant, and how she decided to transfer all of them beacuse she couldn't afford the storage fees. It would have taken an hour to straighten this guy out, at the very least, and he was clearly quite prejudiced (although I think that even if he understood infertility and IVF, he still would have criticized this woman's particular decisions, and I can't say I blame him). I did correct him a few times, pointing out that most people actually transfer 2-3 embryos (hence the likelihood of twins), and that she had other options like embryo donation. But mostly I kept my mouth shut again.

I'm realizing that even after the babies are born - maybe especially after the babies are born - these issues will keep coming up, and I'm going to have to decide how to handle it. Most people really don't know anything about fertility diagnoses, or the differences between IUI and IVF, or the nuanced choices a couple has to make every step of the way. They won't understand our failed IVF attempt, our salvaged IUI, our THREE previous IUIs that failed as well. They probably won't understand that unexplained infertility is still infertility, and that there isn't exactly a straight answer to the question "did you do IVF?" (Well, no, but we tried, and it didn't work out, and yet we still had to go through most of the crappiness of it, and we ended up with twins anyway, and ... ugh, never mind).

There are so many times I want to stand up for myself and the infertile community and explain things, and tell people to walk a mile in my shoes before they make judgments or say what they would do. I'd tell them my own thoughts and feelings changed dramatically over the course of two years of ttc. That I always thought adoption was cool, too, but that faced with adoption as a matter of necessity rather than choice was not as cool as I thought, and that learning the realities of adoption made it a much more complicated decision - well, again, don't judge until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes.

But then I remember having these types of arguments on other issues. Without getting too political, I have strong stances on several current political issuse including the environment, health care, and immigration (PLEASE no comments on any of these things, unless it's to declare that health care should cover infertility treatments =), and I have always found myself leaving these conversations angry, frustrated, and hurt. I am not a great orator (I'm a much better writer, actually), and I feel I do a disservice to the infertile community with my sad, easily-defeated attempts to illuminate those who do not wish, under any circumstances, to learn the other side. It's not so much a matter of embarassment about my situation as a wish to avoid hurting myself and making the situation worse. While I would love to seek out and destroy ignorance and enlighten others and have them gratefully admit that now they understand my point of view, I am fully aware that what would actually happen is I would piss people off, put myself on the defensive, and retreat, sputtering with indignance but unable to voice what exactly my problem is.

So! There you have it. Despite the fact that so far I have been successful in beating my infertility, it follows me like a shadow wherever I go, and I need to start deciding on my coping mechanisms. Seeing that my current ones are a bit wanting.

What would you do?

28-week appointment

2010-04-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well! I finally had a great OBGYN appointment with a doctor who took a lot of time and answered most of our questions. It was great!

First, despite my paranoia, the babies are great and now I think I understand why I feel kicking mostly on one side (on the right, just under my ribs). Baby A, Tadpole (the girl), is head-down on my right side with her feet up under my ribs. Which is awesome, if she stays that way, because I'll get to attempt a v.agin.al birth! Yay!

Baby B, Turtle (the boy), is breech on the left, with his head also up under my ribs (sort of between Tadpole's feet), and his feet down near my cervix/left hip. Which might explain why my hip hurts (probably not), but probably does explain why sometimes I feel like there's a baby stomping on my cervix.

They're both 2.5 pounds, which is ahead according to some websites I visit, but the doctor didn't tell us their lengths. They should be around 14-15 inches, which sounds pretty big to me.

As for me, I have gained about 33 pounds, which is a little ahead of where I'd like to be, but not too bad at all. Everyone tells me that I look small for carrying twins, that I am only gaining in my belly, and that from the back you can't even tell that I am pregnant. I'm guessing none of that would be true if they saw me in a swimsuit, but still, it's nice for people to think that. If I gain about 1.5 pounds per week (as predicted for twins) and this pregnancy lasts only about 8 more weeks, then I'll be right on target.

I want to start my maternity leave on June 1, which is actually a bit later than I hoped. The doctor said a reasonable time to expect the babies would be around June 27-July 4, and that they would probably consider induction around 38 weeks, if not sooner (July 7). So I can look forward to only about two more months of pregnancy, not bad!

I have two baby showers planned so far, the one my sister is throwing for friends and family on May 22, and the one my office is throwing for me a few days earlier. My husband's office is considering doing a baby shower too, I've heard, since a few of them can't make it to my other showers, so I might have three! But that's only 1.5 per baby =)

We do have their names picked out, and I might share them, pending my husband's ok.

Work is the only really negative thing in my life, and I'm so happy to be leaving. I am actually considering filing a grievance with the union, but since I'm leaving, I'm not sure if there would be a point. Suffice to say that my boss, and all those above her, and being bitches and adding so much to my stress level that I am now thinking I will move up my end date by at least a week. She's now making her approval of my time off for doctor's appointments (or just schedule changes for doctor's appointments without any actual time off) contingent upon doing certain things for which she has given me almost no instructions. Is that even legal? So maybe I'll be out of here early. Which means I have at most four more weeks left! Yay!

Sorry, no belly pic today - we really have to do that, though. Hope all's well in the blogosphere!

Twenty-eight

2010-04-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

Pretty soon, I'll be the same number of weeks pregnant as my age. Huh. That's an interesting thought.

I'm so amazingly happy to have reached 28 weeks. I feel like it's the last really big milestone, and while it probably won't be smooth sailing from here, I hope to be less worried (ha!). I have a doctor's appointment today, so of course I feel great. I always feel so fantastic the week of doctor's appointments, I'm looking forward to scheduling them more often now!

Seriously - I've barely had heartburn, I've slept well for several nights, my hip stopped aching for a couple days, even my severe rib pain seems to have eased up. Lying in bed when my alarm went off this morning, I almost felt like I wasn't pregnant. Until I rolled over. But hey - I rolled over! I haven't been able to do that in weeks, if not months, because of my hip.

News on the new house - apparently, some of the pool equipment doesn't work, which no one (including the pool inspector) told us about. We arrived last week to find the pool completely green (the sellers had apparently also stopped putting in chlorine). I have spent days going to the pool store, learning to check the chemicals, adding chlorine, brushing the surface, cleaning out leaves, adding more chlorine, only to discover that the filter never turns on automatically, and when I turn it on manually, it does not appear to work. After five days of chemicals and cleaning, it might be one lighter shade of green.

The yard was also completely overgrown by the time we got the keys. Amazing how you let the sellers do a rent-back for two weeks, and they let the place fall apart. We got my mom's old lawn mower running after about 15 years of neglect, and cut the grass and mowed down a bunch of weeds. And went to about 6 different stores and bought tools and supplies and other crap. My back was aching at the end of the weekend.

We are struggling with our moving options. Want to weigh in? I'm not actually sure we'll have a choice, but here's the situation:

1. We already have the keys to our new house, but we wanted to remodel the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and entry, plus replace the bedroom flooring before moving in. That will take probably 12-14 weeks, and it would be faster and easier if we did it before moving in. If we could just get started already, we'd be done sometime in August. But the contractor is not getting back to us.

2. Our current lease is up June 30. We have been great tenants - we fix most problems ourselves, have been there long term (over five years!), kept the place in great shape, and we actually took over the previous renter's lease, preventing our landlord from having to force them to pay when they moved out early. Now he doesn't want to give us an additional month or two on our lease because he doesn't want to rent to students, and it will be the typical student turnover time in our college town. So we may not have a place to live in two months - he's still deciding.

3. The babies are due July 21, but since twins can come early (let's say 36-38 weeks, if not earlier), that puts their adjusted due date smack in the middle of the time when we will have to move out and construction will be going on at the new place. OMG!!!! Can you imagine having to move on June 30 and going to the hospital June 29 to deliver twins?! The thought is making me hyperventilate a bit. What will we do?! And if the damn contractor doesn't get back to us, we will be weeks behind on getting someone else to get started, and it will definitely be too late.

So there you have it. We're just sort of screwed. Even one extra month at our old place will make all the difference, so even though both my husband and I are really pissed at the old arsehole, I hope he'll give us that one month. In the meantime, I installed a lock on the garage at the new place and I'm starting to try to move a few boxes per day over there after work to get us started. It keeps me from panicking.

I KNOW that in 6 months things will be great - we'll have a beautiful remodeled house, two beautiful babies, and we will have hopefully mostly unpacked and moved in. But thinking about the next three months is a little overwhelming.

I'll post an update tonight or tomorrow after my appointment and maybe a belly pic, too.

The big 27

2010-04-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

27 weeks. My in-laws have been visiting, so I've been really busy. Hopefully they fly out today. I don't mean hopefully b/c I want them to leave, but rather because they really need to get back and flights to Europe haven't exactly been easy the last week. I don't want them to get stuck at a random airport somewhere, unable to get home.

I got some sleeping medication to help deal with the insomnia. It was nice, but awful. It made me sleepy ALL THE TIME. I didn't see the point in sleeping 8 hours per night if I was going to be sleepy all day anyway. Plus, perhaps it was my own paranoia, but it seemed like I felt the babies moving a lot less in the few days when I was taking the meds. So I stopped. Sleep has been a bit hit or miss since then.

I feel humongous these days. I think I've probably gained around 28 pounds, give or take. Maybe more like 30. I don't have a scale at home, so I rely on doctor's visits, which are somewhat few and far between.

My in-laws brought some cool stuff with them from Italy. In addition to the cheese (OMG, the cheese!), they brought hand-crocheted baby blankets, crib sheets with the babies' names cross-stitched on them, adorable little outfits with matching shoes, and more. It's nice to finally have some baby stuff around. I'm also having two showers next month - one with friends and family, and one at work.

I think I might be starting to have Braxton-Hicks contractions, although I'm not really sure. I sometimes feel like my stomach muscles are involuntarily contracting, and my stomach is a little less squishy, but that's about it.

We got our housekeys last week, and even though we STILL haven't settled on our remodeling plans, I'm realizing there's going to be a lot of work involved. The pool is already dirty (reminder to self to find someone to clean it), the lawn will need to be mowed pretty soon, and we need to pick up the mail regularly. I also haven't done any of the more recent paperwork for it. I wish we could move in now and get things set up before the babies come. I'm worried about what's going to happen in the meantime. I'm at least grateful that it's been raining, so I don't have to worry about the watering system!

In short, all is well, I'm excited to be 27 weeks, and even MORE excited to get to 28 weeks next week. And MOST excited to be able to stop working soon!

Big numbers and childbirth class

2010-04-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

A lot of big numbers around here this week.

Tomorrow is 26 weeks!
Yesterday, my ticker showed only 100 days until the babies arrive, and today it dropped into the double digits at 99 days! (Of course, it's likely the babies will be early)
And, I'm almost to 200 posts! (Maybe I should wait to celebrate that when I get there)

I also wanted to write about my childbirth class. It's ... interesting. I actually found the first class quite informative, even if it did duplicate most of the reading I've done. It was a meet-and-greet, an overview of the birth process, and a tour of the birthing center, which is supposed to be the best one in Northern California. Every room is private and has either a shower or a tub, plus a window that looks out onto a private garden and is tinted so no one can see in. The postpartum rooms are all private as well (although they are SMALL! How are they going to fit two babies plus two parents in there?), and have TVs, mini-fridges, and other amenities.

The second class was a bit long and repetitive, and it started with a visit from the person who manages the birth center (she's a nurse, maybe?), who told us and the other twin-parents-to-be that mothers of twins may labor in the L&D rooms, but must deliver in the OR. Um ... news to me! Someone couldn't tell us that BEFORE our tour? I know I may not get what I want, but I had been imagining giving birth in one of those beautiful spacious rooms with a window on a private garden. Not in a sterile windowless operating room!

It brought up a lot of questions I haven't had answered yet - will my husband have to change into scrubs to go into the OR? When will he do that? (They said we don't have to move into there until right before the actual delivery). They said they'd bring me over there in a normal bed - will I have to deliver in bed? How is this going to limit my other options?

I know none of this will matter in the least if I end up having to schedule a C-section, or if I have an emergency C-section. I am completely committed to doing what is best for the babies, and keeping them safe, and I'm not too upset about this policy. I think mostly I just wish I had known to not have such high expectations in the first place, and I wish someone would have told me earlier.

In the meantime, things are progressing well. I'm getting huge, my hip still aches, I have insomnia every night, and I have occasional heartburn/reflux. Honestly, compared to what I could be dealing with, I have it pretty easy, and I'm grateful.

My in-laws arrive in a few days from Italy! I'm excited to see them and wish they were staying longer.

Here's a question for all you twin moms and moms-to-be out there (and singletons too, really) - what do I need to register for? I'm at a complete loss. So far I've got some clothes, a few toys/rattles/etc., baby books, a cosleeper and sheets, two carseats, bibs, socks, hats, waterproof changing pads, a twin breast-feeding pillow, bottles, diapers, stroller frames for the car seats, one or two other odds and ends, and a Moby wrap baby carrier. I feel like I must be missing something. I also already have or will be given a baby bathtub, bouncy chair, in-bed cosleeper, boppy, cribs (from my mom) and bath towels. ANd I picked up some receiving blankets and crib sheets at a sale.

What else do I need?

OMG, I'm so excited, I can't wait for the shower! It's the first time in my life I've ever been excited about a shower (even pre-IF, I always hated baby showers).

Mid-weekend

2010-04-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

It really is mid-weekend right now - 4:40am on Sunday morning. Insomnia strikes again! My husband, who has nagged me incessantly (and rightly so) to make a doctor's appointment, finally won, and on Tuesday I go see a family doctor to ask why this keeps happening to me (and who hopefully will listen when I say this was a pre-pregnancy phenomenon and therefore not caused by the pregnancy, even if that's exacerbating things).

I am finally accumulating a few baby things. I may have already mentioned the baby books I bought, which I'm hoping my husband will help fill out (I think it would be nice if the pages about his family and history are in Italian, for one thing). I had a few things from the RE that they gave us in our congratulatory bag - two cute onesies, a horrible plastic rattle (I'm not a fan of mixing babies and plastic), and an extremely strong-smelling baby lotion (not sure if I should keep this or not - it's SO strong, I can't imagine babies liking it).

Now I have a few things from friends or coworkers - a baby bathtub, a little cosleeper thing (which would also work on a couch to keep one baby from rolling off), and a bouncy chair with lights, music, and vibration.

And today, I dragged my poor husband out of bed early (for a Saturday) to go to a Mothers of Multiples Club sale about 30-45 minutes away. Unfortunately, apparently you need to get there before it even starts to have a chance at the good stuff (like double-strollers), so all I got was two crib sheets and some receiving blankets. Still, now I feel like I'm finally starting to prepare.

Tomorrow is birthing class #2 (or I guess it's actually later today). I'm excited! And, I'm going to try to go to our hazardous waste drop-off and finally get rid of all my used (and unused) needles, before my in-laws arrive from Italy on Thursday.

Which brings up an interesting point - I still have a few things infertility related. I was going to give them to a friend who was about to start IVF, and then she got pregnant on her own, and now I don't know what to do with the stuff. It includes a vial of Follistim, several vials of PIO, a Follistim pen, and a bunch of supplies like needles, alcohol wipes, etc. Mostly, I don't know what to do with the meds - and I don't know if/how to ship the Follistim if I give it away, since it needs to stay refrigerated (and I guess I need to check the expiration too). Any advice?

25 weeks

2010-04-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

I keep writing posts and then not posting them. I don't know why.

I'm struggling these past few days with worse-than-usual insomnia. It sucks. I wake up at 2 or 3 or 4, and I may or may not get back to sleep, after an hour or two. This morning it was 4, so I decided to just get up and go to work around 5:45. Now I'm not sure I'm going to be able to function today, and I'm supposed to be training my coworkers this afternoon. Yikes.

I'm still paranoid. I feel a lot more kicking on the right side than on the left, which I know doesn't really mean anything, but there you have it. It worries me. I need something to worry about no matter what, I guess.

I want to post about my first childbirth class on Sunday, before I get to my NEXT childbirth class next weekend. Also, my in-laws are coming from Italy next week, a sort of last-minute surprise visit that I'm excited about (and desperately hoping the insomnia eases up by then).

But for now, I'm thrilled I made it to 25 weeks, and even though I'm sometimes ready to evict these babies at the earliest reasonable date (like yesterday when my hip pain was unbearable and I was shuffling around like an old lady), I'm so excited to carry them for as long as reasonably possible and meet them in about three months.

Wish me luck with staying awake today. Cheers!

Feeling sick but TGIF!

2010-03-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling sick lately, although thank goodness today was much better. Probably because I made a Dr. appointment today to see what was up. That always makes me feel better, of course. I had a terrible headache Monday and Tuesday, and on Tuesday also started having a stomach ache that came and went. It didn't really feel like cramps, so I didn't worry, but after it didn't go away by Thursday morning, I made an appointment with the OB for today. All week I've felt nauseous in the morning as well.

And of course, today I feel fine. Not only has my stomach felt fine, my hip even feels fine. It's ... weird. The appointment went really great. Turtle and Tadpole were super active, and I got a quick glimpse of them on the ultrasound. My cervix was long and closed, and there were no signs of contractions or preterm labor. The doctor suspected that if anything was wrong, it could be a bladder or kidney infection, or possibly something viral. I suspect some sort of digestive distress.

Unfortunately, she was appalled that I am still biking, so I guess I am done with that =( Time to put the bike away for the rest of the spring, now that the weather is getting beautiful. Sigh. Also, swimming is great, but not the serious laps I was considering doing. So I guess I will go to open swim and try to swim some slow, relaxing laps instead of attending a workout. And I guess I will start looking into prenatal yoga and other things specifically for "disabled" women like me.

A few other bits and pieces - I can plan to stop working by the end of May, and possibly sooner (yay for sooner!). My hip pain is normal and I can expect it to get worse (boo). And I haven't gained as much weight as I feared - I am up about 24 pounds from my normal pre-pregnancy weight (about 28 from my actual pre-pregnancy, post-surgery weight). I thought it might be much more than that with the way I've been eating. Time to eat healthier and continue with the appropriate weight gain. Only 17 weeks to go until term (and probably more like 13-14 - yikes!).

2010-03-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time knowing what to write about. My emotions are all over the place these days, and I'm not always happy and sunny and thrilled about everything. I wrote a long post about that, but I think I'll spare you.

Let's just say that between the knee surgery and the twin pregnancy, my usual activities have been pretty much cut back to nothing and while I was consciously aware of what I was getting myself into, the emotional drag it has turned out to be is much harder than I expected. I am so, so, so happy to be pregnant with twins and would not give it up for anything. Sometimes I wish I could just take a break for a day or a week, though.

My job is sucking. I am already mentally on maternity leave, I've given up on my stupid promotion, and I'm tentatively planning on not coming back. Which means my days feel like long stretches of empty meaninglessness. Considering how much time I spend at work, it's not a very uplifting way to be preparing for the arrival of my little beans.

I was sailing through the pregnancy feeling pretty comfortable and safe, and then things got weird. I stupidly ate a few things I wasn't really supposed to eat, and drank a bit of wine, and then freaked out. I was sure I wasn't feeling the babies move anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night having a mild panic attack. I figured that even though I was still feeling some kicks, I had killed one of the babies. I read stories of people losing their twins to preterm labor, or losing one baby to SIDS. I was sure it would be me. I realized the awesome weight of my responsibilities in carrying these children, and I really wished someone could share it with me. That if something went wrong, it wouldn't have to be all my fault. I feel like I have learned a lesson and will no longer be taking stupid risks with the children I have waited so long and given up so much to have.

I think I'm over it now. I'm about 9 days from viability, even if I am still around 4 months from the end. I'm trying to help my sister plan my baby shower, and I even ordered baby memory books so I can start filling them out before I have no more time.

In the meantime, I'll try to write more, and comment more. 23 weeks on Wednesday. Deep breaths.

20-week ultrasound pics

2010-03-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

Today is 21 weeks, and I am celebrating by posting pics from last week's level 2 ultrasound. Life is crazy right now while I deal with pregnancy, poison oak, our new mortgage paperwork, the title company, the contractor for our remodel, our house inspections, finding homeowner's insurance, our taxes, my full-time job, and extra work for my husband's company. Life is nuts right now!

I'm sorry to say this, but the 3D images sort of make me think of Vo.ldem.ort from the Harry Po.t.ter movie. Still, it was really cool to see. Here are my favorites from our pics - enjoy:

Tadpole's beautiful face

Tadpole's legs - knees at the top, feet at the bottom:
Turtle's face - not sure what he's doing. Holding his nose?

Turtle doing yoga - that's his leg up in front of his face. Not sure why he couldn't just take a normal picture. I'm seeing a lot of interesting family photos in our future.
Turtle's arm. I love how clearly you can see his elbow and fingers.

Busy bee

2010-03-08T08:08:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe how fast last week went by. Time is speeding up, and I am getting so far behind in just about everything.

First point - the results of last week's bike ride

I think my last post was ... last Monday? We had a busy weekend, signing the counteroffer from the sellers of our (hopefully) future house, and going on a 20-mile bike ride. Yeah, that bike ride, it was LOVELY! I don't think I really mentioned it (it actually was very beautiful), or how badly I had to pee pretty much the whole time. Or how I got off my bike after 15 miles and ran behind some bushes to pee. Or how on Tuesday I started breaking out with ... POISON OAK.

OMG, my friends, I don't know if you've ever had poison oak. I have. I have had it many times, and I always have it really badly, sometimes requiring steroids to get it under control and help my body fight back. After one particularly serious bout, I wasn't sure that the skin on my legs was going to grow back normally, and I thought I'd be left with hideous scars. And I'm talking about the skin on about 3/4 of my legs, not dainty little patches. I always end up having to wash everything I touch, including sometimes my hiking boots, the steering wheel in my car, and anything else I can think of.

This time I'm a bit luckier - I have several huge spots of oozing, weeping mess (the biggest one about 6 inches in diameter, I guess?) - on both hips, my left quad, two on the side of my right thigh, my right shin, and my right ankle. I'm miserable. I spend my days rubbing on various anti-itch remedies, and bandaging up my legs so I don't make a mess of my clothing (with little success - hello, laundry!). Luckily, after a few nights, I am able to sleep again. I'm hoping this clears up by the end of the week. And I will never again assume that I won't get poison oak from road biking. I'm clearly talented enough to pick it up anywhere.

Second point - my level 2 ultrasound!

Perhaps this should have been the first point, but poison oak has taken over my life and overshadowed just about everything else.

The ultrasound went really well - the babies looked fantastic, except for one thing. I don't know if I should worry. They both had cysts on their brains. Should I worry? The doctor came and spoke with us and said it was relatively common, and that they would expect them to disappear by around 24 weeks, or else sometime during the third trimester, and we should follow up to check on them. And that was it. I'm trying not to worry too much, but any advice or experience would be much appreciated in the comments.

Otherwise, it was great. They are beautiful. First, they confirmed for us that Baby A (Tadpole) is a girl and Baby B (Turtle) is a boy. They had also switched sides, I guess, but Tadpole was still the "lower" twin and Turtle was the "upper twin". We think we have names picked out, but I'm not sure if we've finalized them yet. The ultrasound tech also completely surprised us by switching to 3D in the middle and showing us their faces! We got some great pics, which I'll have to post later this week.

Third point - life in general

Everything else right now is gravy. The house we're buying is looking great, the inspections went well, but it needs a new roof. Which is actually a good thing, because the current roof is hideous and we were going to replace it anyway, and now the sellers have to pay for it (it is a not-quite-flat tar and gravel roof). My architect sister is busy drawing up floor plans and making virtual 3D models for us to make our renovation decisions, and we'll meet with a contractor hopefully quite soon. I'm not sure we'll be able to pull this off before the babies are born, but I am hoping that maybe we can manage somehow.

My husband is also sick, again. He never gets sick, so I was shocked to come home from my book club meeting yesterday and discover him on the couch with a fever, for the second time this season. I am a little worried about him, and also hope that I don't get it too - I really don't need a fever while pregnant (and while having poison oak).

I'm keeping in shape by biking and using the rowing machine at the gym - I'm hoping to keep it up as long as possible.

So that's my life - there's so much more going on, but I don't want to write a novel.

PLEASE - if you have anything to add about brain cysts seen in ultrasounds, I would love to hear about it! Thanks!!!

Hope all's well for all of you.

We bought a house!!!!!!

2010-03-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it! Our first house! It's on a beautiful lot in a great location, it just needs a lot of work to bring it up to date since the last updates seem to have been made in 1970 (and the original stuff is from the fifties).

And now I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed with how much work there is going to be. We only have 15 days left for inspections, and we want to start drawing up our remodeling plans to see what we should try to do before we move in and what can wait until later. In the meantime, I need to start packing some stuff, just to get it ready to go. I know that I'll want to clean stuff out as I go, so better to get started sooner rather than later.

It's also a big week for pregnancy. I have an OB appointment on Wednesday, and our 20-week ultrasound on Friday. Halfway there! We'll hopefully get a verification of Baby A's sex, too.

Life is changing in other ways, too. According to my friend's scale, I've gained 18 pounds, which is right on track, but I've gained the last 8 or so really quickly, so I think I need to cut back a little and also start eating healthier. No problem - I'm a little tired of the junk food anyway.

My back and hips are hurting more, although I DID manage to do a 20-mile bike ride yesterday. After that I did two loads of laundry (including carrying them up and down the stairs) and I made two lasagnes, one for dinner sometime this week, and one to freeze for when I'm not feeling up to cooking. After that, my back was killing me.

I am feeling the babies all the time now. It doesn't feel anything like what I expected. It's much more gentle, I guess. It's awesome. It's like my daily reminder of why I'm going through all the difficulties of being pregnant with twins - it totally makes up for all that.

I am so grateful and happy for this pregnancy and these babies - I hope we have a house that's not completely under construction for them when they're born!

19 weeks

2010-02-24T06:33:00.000-08:00

All right, here is my 18-week belly pic; I think we actually took this around 18w3d. And sorry, these pictures really aren't very good (you can blame my husband).

And here is 16 weeks; again, I don't think it was exactly 16 weeks, but I don't remember which day we took it:

And before that, we didn't take any pics, but I didn't really start showing until somewhere between 13 and 15 weeks, so there wasn't much to see.

I'm very anxious for my scan next week - I always get more nervous as I'm approaching an ultrasound. I've been feeling the babies move a little bit lately, though. I guess I've been feeling them a bit for a week or two, but it was so sporadic and rare (like every few days) that I didn't think much of it. Now I usually feel those weird little flutters at least once a day, sometimes more, and I'm no longer questioning if 1. I even felt it at all and 2. whether it was the babies or not.

Since we don't have a scale at home and I haven't really been going to the gym (gulp), I don't know how much weight I've gained. Despite my mother's insistence that I'm going to be HUGE EVERYWHERE (usually said with a not-so-nice smile and cackle), I don't seem to be getting bigger anywhere else. My mother gained a LOT of weight after having her kids, so sometimes I wonder if she hopes it will happen to me, too, and she'll feel vindicated. Nice.

Anyway, something else I thought I'd mention is the uncomfortableness of not having everyone know that we did fertility treatments. Many of my friends know, and of course my immediate family, but that's it. It's not common knowledge at work or among extended family or friends. And I get a LOT of comments about the twins, especially because some people know that I myself am a twin.

And on top of that, twins actually do run in my family - besides me and my sister (and we're identical), I have identical twin nephews and fraternal twin cousins. AND my husband's mother (my mother-in-law) is a fraternal twin. So twins are all over the place in our family. People ask me about twins running in our families, and most people don't know that idential twinning is random. It's been so easy to just tell people that twins DO run in our families and never bring up ART at all, and we're not even lying. But I FEEL like I'm lying, and I feel a little uncomfortable. I don't know what to do about it. If anything.

So - belly pics, a bit of movement, and lots of twin questions. Yup, that's life right now.

Oh, and house-hunting (or offer-making). I guess our realtor would have to actually call us back before we can make an offer. Are we crazy to be trying to buy a fixer-upper 4 months before our babies are due (meaning we can only start fixing-up/moving in 2.5 months before they're due)? I'm starting to freak out about that a little, even though I know it will be worth it in the long run. Yikes.

Nicknames!

2010-02-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

I just came up with nicknames for the babies!

For Baby A, the girl (we think), I still like Tadpole.

For Baby B, the boy, I like Turtle. Any objections?

I want to write a 19-week post tomorrow, but I had a few things I just wanted to get out there.

First, a friend of mine who was dealing with MFI just announced that she is pregnant without intervention while they were waiting for their insurance to change to pay for IVF! I'm so incredibly happy for them. She is about two months behind me, due in September, and they went through a bunch of IUIs and started the IVF classes. This will save them a lot of time, money, and heartache, and it's such great news.

Second, due to popular demand, I will probably post a belly pic. Maybe tomorrow. I have a 16-week pic and an 18-week pic, although nothing before that. I do have some pics from last year before pregnancy that might be a good comparison, but since I am an active person and I'm finding my activity severely limited these days, looking at those pics makes me a little grumpy right now. So I'll see what I can do.

Third, we're closing in on buying a house! We've found a fixer-upper on a large lot near the center of our town. It's really expensive b/c of the location and size of the lot, and it's going to need a lot of work to get it into shape. Still, if we decide to bid and we buy the house, it will be a hopefully fun ongoing project that we'll take some pride in eventually completing. And it will be nice to make a house that really reflects our tastes. Even if it takes a few years. Our realtor is supposed to let us know today if there is anything else on the market worth seeing - otherwise, wish us luck!

Back tomorrow with my 19-week update and how things are going in pregnancy.

Almost 18 weeks

2010-02-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

Despite what my ticker might say, I am 18 weeks today (why is it so often one day behind?!). Aside from occasional bouts of anxiety and depression, I have never been happier.

I'm keeping very busy with work and home, and I'm trying to stay really active as well. This past weekend I went snowshoeing up near Lake Tahoe (really beautiful, I'll try to post a pic for Show and Tell!), and did a one-hour bike ride. I'm also trying to do my leg weights and some really easy jogging. And I'm still rock climbing, but I have a feeling that won't last much longer - my harness won't fit pretty soon.

I'm getting HUGE really quickly, I'm pretty amazed by it. Just a few weeks ago, it wasn't at all obvious that I was pregnant except to me and my husband. Now, I can only hide it under a bulky sweater or jacket. I look at least 5 (or more!) months pregnant with a singleton. I'm having a harder time getting used to it than I thought I would, but I'm definitely adjusting. I AM starting to worry about how much bigger I'm going to get, though!

I'm also holding out hope that we find somewhere to live sooner rather than later. Rentals in our town are dismal - anything for a reasonable price is a student rental in awful shape, anything nice costs more than a mortgage payment. And because of the awful real estate market, no one is selling (because there are always students to rent to). I am willing to move into a fixer-upper at this point - I'm just hoping I have time to actually do the fixing up after we move and before the babies come.

I still haven't done any baby shopping (although I bough some desperately needed maternity clothes). I can't believe how complicated everything is. I think I've narrowed down our carseat choices to a few, and we have to check and see if they'll fit in our Toyota Matrix (anyone have experience with this?), and I think we'll also get a Snap N Go stroller (maybe both a double and a single, so we can push one baby and carry one if we want). I want at least one babywearing option, but probably two (front slings and those backpack-type things) so I could carry both or we could each carry one. I'm also trying to decide on early sleeping arrangements - I'd like a co-sleeper, but I might also consider a pack n play or bassinet. I don't think we'll buy much in the way of swings or jumpers or whatever that stuff is until we need it - there's too much to buy up front as it is.

And I'm hoping to try cloth diapers, but that's dependent entirely on our living situation - running downstairs to our building's single shared washing machine and putting four quarters in for every single load of laundry will mean I won't want any extra laundry to do. And don't even get me started on the drier that, for the bargain price of $1, doesn't actually dry anything.

So that's the situation. We're hashing out names, looking forward to the midwife appointment and high-resolution ultrasound in 2 weeks, and getting through daily life a lot better than during the horrible first trimester. I'm THRILLED to finally be enjoying pregnancy instead of feeling miserable all the time.

And I'm REALLY REALLY excited that several of the bloggers I've been reading for some time are cautiously optimistic that their current cycles may have worked! That, for me, is the best news of all.

17 weeks!!!! (plus genders ...)

2010-02-10T20:47:00.000-08:00

I had my 17 week OB appointment today, and it was fun! Actually, they didn't do much except an ultrasound and take a few growth measurements. Both babies are measuring perfectly for their gestational ages.

Oh yeah. And they told us the genders. I had Baby A and Baby B mixed up apparently. Baby B is on the right, and was the relatively laid-back and relaxed one ... and is definitely a BOY! I need a nickname - the husband wants "Elephant", but we'll see. His motives aren't exactly pure.

And Baby A is the one that was darting all over the place last time, on the left side, and is most likely (but not 100%) a GIRL! This is the one I was calling Tadpole (and my husband wants to call "Potato" for his own vulgar Italian reasons - yeah, not happening).

I'm so thrilled - I would have been perfectly fine with two boys or two girls (and still will be thrilled with two boys in case they have Baby A wrong), but this is the best of both worlds.

I'm not even going to bother putting up ultrasound pics because quite honestly, you can't see almost anything. I was amazed the doctor could read them, and so I'm really looking forward to my next Level II high resolution ultrasound, which will probably be my last clear look at the babies until they arrive.

I also think I might be feeling the first signs of movement, but it's really hard to tell. I just feel a gentle tapping near my belly button. Pretty cool. I can't wait to start feeling real movement.

Oh, and I've definitely been gaining weight - I'm up at least 10 pounds, although I don't know if my reading at the doctor was accurate, especially since I was wearing doc martins, which are rather heavy shoes. According to their scale, I'm up at least 11 pounds. Either way, I'm more or less on track. Whew!

Hope all is well in blogland.

16 weeks (almost)

2010-02-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

I should be happy, but I am feeling a little down today.

Tomorrow, I am 16 weeks pregnant. As usual, it doesn’t seem like it could possibly be real, but it is. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen the beans (Tadpole and …?...), and I am anxious to see them again. My next appointment is next Wednesday, when I will be 17 weeks.

I haven’t really gotten good answers about the NT scan, and it’s frustrating me. No one told me I should get my blood test done first, so I didn’t have any of that ready when I went for the scan, and the genetic counselor said I would get my results from the OB’s office. I called and spoke with a nurse who said that some tests were negative (for being a carrier of a genetic defect) and others looked good. She didn’t seem to really understand what the tests meant, and that’s all I got. Shouldn’t I get something a little more concrete than that? I don’t know what to do about it. I have felt that my entire pregnancy, from the RE to the OB to the NT scan people, has been handled in a very laissez-faire way, and it’s starting to annoy me a bit.

My work conference went well, but I am exhausted. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping, and I’m not sure if it’s related to the pregnancy. I have always had a penchant for insomnia (lucky me) and it seems to be kicking in again. Right at a time when I really need my sleep.

Last, we put in a bid on the house we were really interested in, and we were outbid the same day. We even upped our bid quite a bit, and the other buyer’s bid was still higher. There are almost no houses available in our town (let me put it this way – in a $400,000 price range, there are about 10-15 houses total on the market). Anything good that comes on the market gets sold quickly, and if we try to bid, someone else always outbids us the same day (this isn’t the first time it’s happened). We really can’t stay in our apartment, at least not comfortably. We have nowhere to keep stuff like a stroller, a bike trailer for the babies, new furniture, toys, etc. Even if I do a major clean and cull, it won’t buy us that much more space. And it’s really old and dirty – the carpet needs to be replaced, among other things, and there’s no way the landlord will do that while we’re still living there (if at all). The chances of another decent home coming on the market in the next few months aren’t great, and I’m starting to feel a bit panicked.

I know I shouldn’t complain. I’m 16 weeks pregnant with twins, I have a roof over my head, a good job, a wonderful husband, enough to eat, and everything I really need in my life. I know I need to focus more on what I have in my life instead of what’s missing. Still, I think a nice, clean place to live is a reasonable request.

Only one more week until I see the little ones, and maybe find out the sexes, too! I’m so excited!

15 weeks

2010-01-27T16:56:00.001-08:00

Like every week, I can’t believe where I am. I cannot believe I am three and a half months pregnant. Life is changing on an almost daily basis for me, and I am really excited even while I am missing some of my favorite things (like sushi!) in the meantime.

I have a definite belly bump now, although someone could still easily think I am just a bit overweight and carrying the extra in my belly. I think I have gained about 5 pounds. I still have some queasiness, but no more vomiting so far. My second cold of the season has faded to almost nothing and I’m crossing my fingers that I stay healthy now. A beautiful day of sunshine after two weeks of rain is doing a lot to improve my mood, too.

On the life front, things are mostly good. We’re looking at houses, and may have found one to make an offer on. It is next door to a park, but an inspection of go.ogl.e maps shows that part of the park, the part that shares a fence with the house, is parceled into a nice neat rectangle, and we’re wondering why. It would suck to buy a house on a park only to have an electric station or some other ugly thing go in next door. Otherwise, though, the house is beautiful and perfect for kids – 4 bedrooms and a huge loft, beautiful kitchen and living areas, plus a really nice yard. It’s ridiculously expensive, but we’re lucky that we can manage it. We could manage in our 2-bedroom apartment for a while, but it’s not very realistic – especially with no space to keep a stroller or anything else baby-related.

We’re looking at other purchases, although we won’t be actually buying anything for at least several months still. We’re guessing we’ll need a second car (in bike-friendly Davis, we’ve managed just fine sharing a car up until now), but I still want to get a jogging stroller that converts to a bike trailer for some of our jaunts downtown. Once we figure out where we’ll be living, we’ll have to start thinking about baby furniture, too. I haven’t thought much father than that, though – I don’t want to even think of buying any baby stuff until 20 weeks, and preferably not until after 24.

In two more weeks, we have an ultrasound at the OB. They don’t have a great machine, but I’m really hoping we can find out the genders. Then we can finally start having some real discussions about names and other plans. I’m very, very excited.

And tomorrow I leave for a four-day work conference, and I'll hopefully find out why I haven't been promoted yet, and if I ever will be. And if not - well, February just might be my last month at work.

14 weeks and NT scan pics

2010-01-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm 14 weeks today! According to our ip.od pregnancy application, the babies will double in length from about 3 inches to 6 inches in the next few weeks - I'm going to be getting huge pretty soon.

A few quick pics of my NT scan last week. I still don't have results because I didn't know I was supposed to get my blood drawn earlier, and I couldn't have anyway since I had just returned from Italy. However, they did say that the ultrasound portion of the test looked very good.

Here's a pic of the two little beans together. It was amazing, on the screen we could see them kicking each other, their little legs flailing wildly. I guess it was a preview of what is to come.
This is a pic of Baby A (I think - how do you keep track of which is which?), sort of sucking his or her thumb. I couldn't believe how well-formed the fingers were. Baby A was very mellow, just hanging out and letting the tech get lots of pics. We have some great profile pics. To get all the measurements, the tech had to jiggle the transducer pretty hard against my stomach to get the baby to turn. And here is a pic of Baby B, our little acrobat. This one would not sit still for a moment, the tech was waving the transducer all over the place trying to catch up with this little tadpole. We got some decent pictures of the arms and legs, but nothing great of the whole baby since Tadpole wouldn't stop zooming around. I love this pic, though. Everyone who has seen this pic is convinced that this one is a girl.
And that is my post on the NT scan. The scan itself took about 30 wonderful, magical minutes, and then we met with a genetic counselor who took our family history and advised us on which blood tests we may want to do. I just wished we already had the blood test results so we could have found out our risk levels that day.

So far, though, everything is looking good! I am starting to let out my breath a bit and believe that things might go well up to the end. It's a really nice feeling.

Mish mash

2010-01-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have so much to write about, and at the same time I don't know what to write about. A lot of little blurbs and bits, and I know I have my NT pictures to post - I'll try to do that tomorrow.

I'm feeling very, very sad about Haiti. I don't know what to think about it. I hate that I am a "rich American" and feel like I am helping by throwing money at the problem - but on the other hand, I have no idea what else I could do. I read a book a while back about Dr. Paul Farmer, who has worked for years to alleviate suffering in many poor places in the world, but whose special focus was Haiti. The book is Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder. The organization Dr. Farmer co-founded is Partners in Health, and they are accepting donations for Haiti - so if you want to make a donation but don't know which aid organizations are reputable, I would vouch for this one. And because they have been in Haiti for years, they already have the basic infrastructure to provide aid, so you know your donation will be well-used.

On the home front, I am doing well. The nausea has subsided for at least a few days, and I am trying to eat a lot. I even made it to the gym today, which I NEED to do to complete my knee surgery rehab. It's also a nice place to weigh myself, since I don't have a scale at home.

And that's how I know that at 14 weeks (minus one day) I STILL haven't really gained any weight - I'm up about 2-3 pounds, but my weight generally fluctuates and I'm not over the upper limit I usually set for my non-pregnant self.

Are there any women out there who are pregnant with twins or who have given birth to twins who can tell me if this is normal? Dr. Luke doesn't think so at all. I eat two breakfasts, lunch, and dinner, and at least one small afternoon snack. I never let myself get hungry (and if I do happen to get hungry, I eat right away). I haven't been working out, although I'm starting a low-level exercise routine for my knee and my cardiovascular health.

Other than that, the pregnancy seems to be going well. I'm getting lots of weird pains and cramps and stretching and pulling, but nothing that I'd consider a big deal. I have back-aches and pain that feels like sciatica, but thankfully it comes and goes quickly. I'm getting a bit more of a belly, especially after a big meal, but no one at work has noticed at all.

The other big exciting news in my life is that we're looking for a house. Which we've BEEN doing for about 3 years, but now at least we have a reason to need a house and a goal and even a sort of deadline, so we're feeling more motivated. Unfortunately, I live in one of the worst places for house-hunting and there's not much on the market at all, let alone something nice for a reasonable price. Considering my due date of July, the likelihood of babies arriving by the end of June, the need to move at least a month or two before that (April-May), and the need to put in an offer at least a month before that (March), we don't have a lot of time. I hope some stuff comes on the market in February!

So to recap - please consider helping the Haitians, pregnancy is going well except for weight gain, and we are hoping to find a house in a really unlikely market. Busy times!

Back to life, back to reality

2010-01-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on Monday, but for some reason didn't post it. Will catch up to date this weekend. Just a note - NT scan went well.

I’m back in the US, and things are rough. I had terrible morning sickness the last 3-4 days in Italy, and it snowed pretty much non-stop the whole time. After several days of vomiting, we had a 24-hour trip to get home. Here is a brief overview of the trip:

5am – get up and vomit
5:15 – start driving to airport in the snow
8:30 – arrive at airport and discover that our flights are not cancelled (yay!)
9am – vomit again at airport
11am – board plane and fly to London
12:30 – land in London, go through security, eat a little, hang out
2pm – go through extra security since we’re flying to the US
3:30 – plane finally leaves an hour late

Next ten hours – UGH – airplane food, turbulence, seat-kicker behind me, nausea – luckily no vomiting

6:30pm – (now on Pacific time) – arrive in US, go through immigration, get bags, go through customs, get shuttle, get car
8pm – finally arrive home and turn on heat (note – this is 5am Italian time – exactly 24 hours)
8:15pm – vomit and nosebleed
8:18pm – wonder why the heat hasn’t turned on – hey – the heater’s broken! Luckily it’s not THAT cold in the apartment, must have just broken recently
9pm – eat a can of tuna with mayo (thanks darling husband) and go to bed
4am – wake up squashed between husband and cat – very cute, but I’m very tired

Now I am at work preparing a presentation that I have to give TOMORROW

So here I am, almost 13 weeks, and the morning sickness is getting much worse. Is this normal?

Tomorrow is my NT scan, so I will write a brief update on how it went. I’m starting to get nervous that something could be wrong.

Rambling 12-week post

2010-01-06T03:05:00.001-08:00

It's another beautiful day in the Alps. I'm 12 weeks today, which I find almost impossible to believe. How in he world did we get here? It's been three weeks since I've seen the babies, and as the time passes, I get a little more nervous. I will be so relieved to see them at the ultrasound next Tuesday.

Italy has been nice. I eat a lot. The custom here is to eat a small breakfast, a pretty big lunch, and a decent dinner (unless we go out or to a friend's, which is usually the case, and dinner can be many, many courses), with no snacking in between, but I find I am hungry all the time. I keep some cheese in the fridge and a loaf of bread from the panetteria on the counter so I can snack whenever I feel like it, but when I'm starving 30 minutes before a delicious home-made meal, I have a hard time knowing what to do. I know, I know, the world has much bigger problems than my deciding what and when I should eat.

One of the funny things about Italy is that everyone has their own ideas about what a pregnant woman should and should not do, and it's very different than what I expected. For example, they are all completely shocked that I am not drinking (and in fact I really miss my nebbiolo). Some even tell me that beer and wine will help me make milk. Yet, they're horrified when I pet a cat because of toxiplasmosis, and they can't believe I am cross-country skiing, which I am nervous about only because of my knee surgery. It's interesting to see the way different cultures react to pregnancy.

In the meantime, I'm starting to grow a little belly. The average person on the street would not guess that I am pregnant, but my husband and I are beginning to see the changes. Actually, I just sort of look a bit rounder than usual. Since I tend to exercise and stay in decent shape, it is probably more obvious to me because my stomach isn't as flat anymore, even if it doesn't look like a real bump yet. I can tell my attitude towards my body is going to need some adjusting, which is something I will probably have to work at. Luckily, my husband is the most supportive guy in the world and always makes me feel beautiful, so I know I will have some back-up.

I apparently have not gained any weight, according to my in-laws' scale, which gave me an amount in kilos that I converted into pounds. I am nervous about gaining too much weight, but now I'm worried that I'm not gaining enough - shouldn't I have gained at least a few pounds in the first trimester, with twins? Oy. I'm hoping I can find a delicate balance between gaining enough for the babies (obviously priority #1) and not gaining so much that it will be hard to recover after the birth.

I've also started looking into things we'll eventually need to buy, and I am overwhelmed. I like to think I buy less stuff than average, and my husband is pretty anti-consumerism, but it is awfully hard for people without a clue to figure out what we really need and what is just extra fluff. The obvious stuff is at least obvious - crib, carseats, basic clothing, and diapers - but then there is a TON of other stuff, and then there are tons of variations on all that stuff. I'm hoping maybe the childbirth class I take will help? How do people figure this out?

Only a few more days here in Italy, then I'll be home before I know it. Back to work, unfortunately, but also ready for my week 13 NT scan. Woohoo! Can't wait to see the babies!

Time flies when you're having fun

2009-12-31T05:34:00.000-08:00

I guess it has been a while. Sorry about that. Things got rather busy here, what with Christmas and all.

My mom and sister had a bit of a tough time getting here, because the weather right before Christmas was terrible. The visit went ok - my mother was a pain in the ass, but I expected that. It didn't really feel like Christmas, seeing as it was the first time that I've ever celebrated it with someone else's family, and things are more low-key here among my in-laws. My mother also chose the moment when my husband was trying to get them out of the house and to the train station on time to start lecturing me on home births and how nothing about this pregnancy is about me, it is all about the babies and therefore she should tell me exactly how to do everything because I apparently can't manage on my own. I wasn't very nice to her in return, and I don't feel in the least bit bad about it. Probably one of the hardest parts of becoming a parent is going to be reducing any bad effects my mother has on my children.

Right after Christmas, we left for Provence with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend, and my husband's uncle, aunt, and 7-year-old cousin. We had a great time investigating small villages, eating some huge meals, and checking out the sites in Arles, including the old Roman theatre and amphitheatre. Luckily, my nausea was mostly in remission during the trip - not sure why. The lower altitude? The weather? Better sleep? Certainly not the food - dinners were huge, saucy, and heavy. And oh! the soupe de poissons with toasted baguette slices, rouille, and gruyere - I don't think I've eaten this since my honeymoon, besides when I've tried to make it myself, and let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It is hard to believe I am already 11 weeks pregnant. Almost done with the first trimester, and it's going pretty quickly. My symptoms have not been fun at all - plenty of nausea, some occasional vomiting, constipation and other random forms of indigestion, and this weird feeling in my gut that I can't really describe. I'm finding that some physical activity seems to help, so I'm trying to get motivated to get outside and do stuff, but trust me ... I don't feel like it. And the kinda crappy weather doesn't help.

So that's where we're at. We have yet ANOTHER big dinner tonight in the fort here in town (there are better websites, but they are all in Italian), and probably a big lunch tomorrow with the family, and then a lunch the next day with more family, and omg I really hope that is the end of the huge meals even though I'm sure it won't be.

I will be back in the good ol' U.S. of A. in approximately 10 days, and shortly thereafter I have my NT scan at 13 weeks. Here is an interesting question - after being in Italy for three weeks, my husband will undoubtedly have tons of work to catch up on, and leaving the office in the first couple weeks is something he'd rather avoid. The NT scan is at an office that is a good 30-minute drive from work for him, plus extra time to pick me up from work and drop me off again, PLUS I guess the scan itself normally takes a while (lets say an hour to an hour and a half for two babies? I don't really know). I also have an OB appointment that week, very close to his office, but I'm guessing it will be routine, no ultrasounds or anything. So the options are:

1. Go to the NT scan, which would be 2-3 hours out of the office for him (not cool), but he'd not only get to see the babies but be there in case something is wrong.

2. Go to the OB appointment, which I'm guessing would be a waste of time for him? Anyone know?

3. Not go to either - I just don't want him to miss out on anything important, either good or bad.

What do you think?

P.S. Thanks for the comment(s) so far, but let me clarify - DH owns and manages his own company and usually works 9-12 hours a day (or more) plus 1-2 days per weekend. He can come and go as he pleases, but things suffer when he is not there, so after three weeks of telecommuting, any extra time away from the office during normal business hours is tough. Therefore, I usually only ask him to leave work when I think it's really worthwhile. So that's the real question - is it worthwhile?

Italia

2009-12-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

I'm in Italy. It's 5:30 am local time, and I'm awake. I also have no idea if I took my progesterone last night, although signs point to no. This seems like a good time to drop my dosage down to every other day, since I pretty much skipped a day on the flight here, too.

I'm quite sick here. I remember reading that major changes in altitude and temperature can aggravate morning sickness, and I can attest that it is true. It's FREEZING here, well below freezing actually, all the locals keep commenting on it. And we are definitely above my usual almost-sea-level altitude in California, up in the mountains here.

It is always strange to come here, where my husband has a whole other life that I'm only slowly becoming a part of. Every visit becomes easier, but sometimes it is still so surreal. Even more surreal is the fact that my mother is coming here for Christmas - something I could have never imagined would ever happen. I'm really worried about how she'll handle the snow, the freezing temperatures, the language barrier, the unfamiliar food, and probably some homesickness. I'm trying to have faith that it will all work out.

The flight over here was really not fun, as usual, but I expected that. What I didn't expect was snow in London! The airport was a bit of a disaster, with almost every flight delayed including ours. After arriving two hours late in Nice, it snowed for most of our drive up into the Alps and across the border, leaving a nice white coat on the roads that we had to navigate very slowly.

So now I just have to get over this stupid jetlag. Time to go back to bed and try to sleep.

9 weeks, packing, and weird pain

2009-12-16T18:59:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to think I'm a hypochondriac, but after two years of infertility, I am so nervous about every little thing. I'm 9 weeks today. Which, yay! But ...

I am having this weird pain in my lower abdomen on the left side. It's very low, and not very far left, i.e. nowhere near my hip. It is like a pulse of pain, that goes away in less than a second, and recurs at completely random intervals. The only thing I can think of is that it could be related to the big cyst on my left ovary. I've had for over 24 hours now. Any ideas what it could be?

I called the doctor's office and the nurse called me back, and said the doctor would call, but that was hours ago. The pain is not very strong, I don't need a painkiller or anything, and I wouldn't be terribly worried except that I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow night and I will be traveling for 20 hours and it would be nice to know that everything's ok.

In the meantime, I am having sleep problems, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not feeling well, and it's my poor husband's birthday. I haven't done anything special for him - but hey, I'm gestating his children. I think that's a pretty good gift.

I'm almost done packing, and hopefully we'll have dinner soon and maybe I can get to bed early. I'm hoping that whatever this pain is, it stops soon.

8w5d and H1N1

2009-12-14T13:33:00.000-08:00

I had my first OB appointment this morning. It went really well!

We met with a nurse practitioner who was a little over-the-top, but very darling. She did my annual exam, since it’s been a year and a half since I had one, and then gave us tons of information. It’s a little overwhelming. Luckily, my hospital has one of the best birthing centers in Northern California, with water births, midwives and doulas, and very relaxed rules about everything. I’m looking forward to taking childbirth classes and touring the birthing center! Not sure my husband is looking forward to all of it, though – it’s going to take up a lot of time.

We did get to see the babies on ultrasound! They looked so cute, quite a bit bigger than a week ago, and we could see their heads, their heartbeats, and even their tiny little arms and legs. I’m so excited for the ultrasounds when we get back from Italy!

We’re going to have a lot of prenatal testing, but I still don’t understand whether I’m supposed to call and make those appointments myself, or if someone will make them for me. Why don’t they tell you this stuff?

Our appointment was at 9:45, and since we’re traveling to Italy in a few days, I called last week and tried to schedule my H1N1 vaccination this morning, too. The Women’s Health center didn’t have any preservative-free vaccine, so they told me to make an appointment with my regular doctor. I don’t really have a regular doctor, but I called the last doctor I’ve seen, who has now moved to the next town, and told them I wanted an H1N1 shot. They asked my age, and because I had a feeling they were trying to tell if I was in one of the priority categories, I said “I’m 31 and I’m pregnant.” They said, “OK, you can come in at 8am on Monday morning”.

So this morning I had to get up early, miss work, and drive 10 miles to the next town for my vaccine, only to be told when I got there that they didn’t have any preservative-free vaccines and they couldn’t give me a shot. I was SO pissed.

At my OB appointment, I told them what had happened, and they said that since I was traveling, I was at risk for H1N1, and that while the preservative was controversial, there was no scientific evidence that it caused any harm, and the risks of actually getting the flu were much worse. So I got the shot with the preservative. Oh well – I guess you win some and you lose some.

We’ve also been telling people about the pregnancy. It’s still early, and I’m a little nervous, but it’s hard to pass up big events like holiday parties where we can tell a lot of people at once and everyone is in a celebratory mood. And we’ve now seen the heartbeats 4 times, so I feel more comfortable about it.

So far, so good. And I think today is technically 2 months. Almost 9 weeks! And then – Italy!

Pregnancy (8w1d)

2009-12-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm going to sound like a jerk in this post, and so I apologize in advance. Seriously - I'm sorry. Because I'm about to complain. If you will be annoyed by complaining, just click away now.

I've read a lot of things about women who loved being pregnant and wish they could always be pregnant. I hoped that would be me. In fact, I STILL hope that will be me. Maybe second trimester?

Because the truth is, up until now, I hate being pregnant. I feel so sick, almost all the time. The week of repreive I had was wonderful, but the morning sickness is back. And on top of it, I'm completely exhausted. I sleep 9-10 hours a night and could easily stay in bed for a few more hours if I didn't have to get up to go to work.

I don't have a life anymore - I spend all day at work feeling queasy and trying to get something done while wishing the clock would move faster. I get home and try to get a few things done around the house before dinner, and then I try to relax a bit before crawling into bed and passing out. Doing even basic, easy chores has become a monumental task that I can barely do, and my apartment looks terrible. Luckily we're leaving for Italy for Christmas soon, so I don't really need to do any grocery shopping.

I miss my energy and wish it would come back. I haven't done any of my physical therapy for my knee in weeks. I barely remember what my bike looks like. I've been given permission to start jogging again, but ha! I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

Of course, none of this matters. All that matters is that my babies stay healthy and inside for another 30 weeks at least. I know this is true. But sometimes I wish I could have it a little easier along the way.

Where do I start? (7w5d)

2009-12-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy roller coaster of a week, and I'm exhausted and worn out after everything.

On Friday, the day after my first ultrasound, I started having brown discharge. Kinda worrisome, but everything I looked at said brown discharge was ok, plus I had just had the ultrasound the day before and thought it could have irritated something.

We told my husband's family in Italy about the babies on Thursday night, my sister on Friday evening, and my mom and brother during the day on Saturday. I was so nervous that I might have jinxed everything.

Saturday night we decided to go out to a nice dinner, and right before we left I went to the bathroom - and saw some red spotting. Not very much, but enough to scare me. We called our local OBGYN office at the hospital and left a message for the doctor on call, after being assured she'd call back in 20 minutes. 20 minutes later, we called again, and they tried to page her again. 20 minutes after that, we said "screw it" and went to the emergency room. They admitted me, put in an IV, got a urine sample, did a pelvic exam, and finally did an ultrasound after the ultrasound tech had been called in (I felt a little bad about that - I'm sure she had better things to do on a Saturday night).

But look what we got to see!

What an awesome picture. She showed us each baby, did thorough scans of their sizes, and let us listen to the heartbeats. The ER's ultrasound machine was amazing, and seeing the babies on it was awesome. They found nothing to indicate that anything was wrong, diagnosed me with "threatened miscarriage", and let us go around 12:30am, when we finally had dinner at In N Out, the only place open. I was STARVING, since it had been about 12 hours since lunch.

Yesterday I took it easy all day, but after dinner, at 10pm, I went to the bathroom to discover a small bit of blood on my underwear, a few drops in the toilet, and a bit on the TP. CRAP! The ER nurse had called to make me promise I'd see the OBGYN today, so I waited until this morning and made an appointment for this afternoon.

After an hour wait I got to see the babies and hear the heartbeats AGAIN! They looked great, and she said there was nothing to worry about. They suspect a possible minor UTI, or something similar, but otherwise said to just take it easy and not worry about it.

I feel spoiled by all the ultrasounds, but they also told me that I won't be getting one at my intake appointment next week, and then I leave for Italy, so the next chance for an ultrasound won't be until mid-January at the earliest, when I am 12-13 weeks. So I am really happy that I got these two snuck in there.

And I'm especially happy and grateful that the babies seem to be fine. Hang in there please!!!!!

In the meantime, I'm trying to think of nicknames for the little guys - the husband suggested Ann and Bob, but I wanted something a bit more gender-neutral. I'm thinking Bean for Baby B (not very inventive, I know), but I have no idea for Baby A. Ideas?